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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a national "Deadbeat Dad" register?

200 replies

bogeyface · 16/08/2012 23:44

Inspired by another thread and my response to it.

So many of us get royally screwed by these twats. So if you end up getting your maintenance being taken from your wages because you refused to co-operate then you go on the DBDR.

Yes yes, I know it wouldnt really work, but AIBU to wish it could be done to save other women from getting involved with these twats?

OP posts:
KenLeeeeeee · 17/08/2012 10:52

I'll happily nominate my shithead of an ex for such a register. Every time the CSA catch up with him over unpaid maintenance, he quits his job to avoid paying. God knows how his wife puts up with this. I couldn't marry a man like that, I would have no respect for him whatsoever! He doesn't see DS more than a couple of times a year, and that's only when either his wife or his dad drive him down here or collect DS for him (we live about 2 hours drive away). He can't even manage to keep up a weekly phone call to DS. Wanker.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 10:52

Contact wasn't what the OP was referring to though was it? In fact it wasn't mentioned at all, it was a suggestion that those who refuse to pay should go on a register (daft idea really, they should be held more accountable by the law IMO)

EasilyBored · 17/08/2012 10:53

I'm not saying the NRP shouldn't take responsibility and pay, but wouldn't it be better if women took a bit more care (where possible) to not end up in these situations to begin with?

And in the case of the 17 year old, he should have used a condom. It's not fair for her to do an about turn, but he should have known it was a possibility, and that he had a child out there. To be honest, if I would never have a baby with a man who knew he had a child out there somewhere, but was happy to have nothing to do with it.

AllThoseDirtyWords · 17/08/2012 10:53

Golden - yes it is fair. He should have used a condom if he didn't want a baby.

Fact is he is a father and should have been paying and seeing his child for the past 12 years as that IS fair - to the child.

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 10:56

Shirley yes, I totally agree he should have just continued with condom use, but everyone makes mistakes, especially during their late teens I'd imagine. This woman is only going after him for money because she is jealous and bitter, her partner has left her recently, she has heard her ex is now happily married and his wife is due a baby. Having been through pregnancy herself you'd think she'd know the stress of something like that could be detrimental, but she's steamed ahead regardless, out of pure venomous spite.
I have no respect for someone like that, purposely getting pregnant, with no stability in the relationship, assuring the person that you do not need or want their involvment, then trying to cause havoc in later years?

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 10:59

"I'm not saying the NRP shouldn't take responsibility and pay, but wouldn't it be better if women took a bit more care (where possible) to not end up in these situations to begin with? "

Around half of all LP families had their children within marriage. Only about 6% are registered alone (so no father present at the time of birth) and only around 10% are registered with parents who live apart.

Look, the truth is that most people, the VAST majority of lone parents are living with/married to their partner when they give birth. I doubt that many of those people thought that their partners would turn out to be non paying parents.

I'm baffled at the blaming of those who are actually there paying for the children as opposed to those who aren't.

Cognitive Dissonance at it's best.

lastnerve · 17/08/2012 11:00

I agree Worra to an extent,

many men will sing from the 'I want kids really I do ,' hymn sheet, until the hard work kicks in and they either realize its not all about them anymore and they don't like it.

AllThoseDirtyWords · 17/08/2012 11:00

Golden - she might not have wanted or need his involvement, but HIS child did.

Do you actually know her or are you just believing everything he is telling about the her and the situation?

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:01

Golden

"..but everyone makes mistakes, especially during their late teens I'd imagine"

I note that only extends to the father in this scenario. The mother isn't afforded the same sympathy.

As for the rest, I'm just not interested. He hasn't paid a penny in 12 years - time to start paying. I don't care if it's out of spite or jealousy or any of the other accusations flying around. He should pay. The End.

AllThoseDirtyWords · 17/08/2012 11:02

Oh and it may have been a mistake, but everyone has to take responsibility to their own mistakes.

EasilyBored · 17/08/2012 11:02

Just because you are married to someone, or live with them, doesn't mean that you have been with them for a decent chunk of time. People just leap into things, skipping steps, and wonder why it then goes to shit. Everyone's in such a bloody rush.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:04

I suppose that the children of those who have been "feckless" (because that's what we're talking about here isn't it?) deserve to live in poverty.

Sins of the mothers fathers and all that.

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 11:06

Allthosedirtywords I know both of them, through various mutual friends.

She has never wanted him to have contact with the child, he had a step father, who played the father role, he's now left, so she's feeling spiteful. She doesn't want contact now either.

She has always had the 'I'm an independent woman and provide everything for my child' mindset, and seemed proud of this, so she doesnt feel she needs the money, she just wants to try and disrupt his life however she can.

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 11:08

Shirley the child doesn't and never has lived in property, she has a decent job, had a partner for a long period of time who palyed a fatherly role. If they had truly struggled and needed the money, she'd probably have contacted CSA years before now.

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 11:08

property? I meant poverty Blush

SophySinclair · 17/08/2012 11:10

"..but everyone makes mistakes, especially during their late teens I'd imagine"

yes, the mistake would have been to think at 17 it would be simple to raise and finance a child without support from father and to let him think he can shag where he likes with no consequences.

He conceived a child, he needs to support said child.

SophySinclair · 17/08/2012 11:12

it doesn't matter whether she has a decent job - it takes two to make and support a baby. This isn't your son is it?

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:15

Golden - but none of that matters. Maintenance isn't just about lifting children out of poverty, it's about responsibility.

Maybe she isn't feeling "spiteful" but is feeling desperate and needs some financial help as her marriage has broken down and the stepfather has no financial responsibilty for a child who is not his, maybe she is a nasty article, maybe, maybe, maybe.

None of it matters. The child is flesh of his flesh and he should be FORCED to pay. If it were down to me he'd be paying back maintenance as well. He might have been content to let another man raise and pay for his child (ick to that) but now that party is over and he'll have to put his hand in his pocket.

EasilyBored · 17/08/2012 11:15

Shirley, no one is saying that the children deserve to live in poverty. OF course both parents should pay for and support the child. But maybe some women need to take ownership of some of their less than brilliant choice too.

bisjolympics · 17/08/2012 11:17

Worra somewhat amazingly men can change when you have children, even if you have known them years (over 10 in my case). You can never predict how another person will be. In ds's father's case he quit his job, set up his own business and hides his income. He went from being supportive when I was pregnant to referring to ds as 'the non-aborted foetus'. No one he knows could understand how he changed and how dreadful his behaviour has been. Fortunately I'm one of the lucky ones, I earn a good salary and can provide ds with everything he needs except a supportive father.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:17

Most women are taking ownership of their "choice" though. Who do you think is paying for food, clothes, roofs over heads, heating, etc etc of those 3 out of 5 children? It's the RP isn't it?

GoldenHandshake · 17/08/2012 11:18

No not my son, as I said, I know both parties through mutual friends.

I find it very hard to understand why women who deliberately fall pregannt (knowing very well the man probably doesnt want a baby) and I dont mean those who genuinely fall pregnant accidentally, do not seem to be vilified in the same way as the man in this situation is? Why should there be no come backs for them? But the man is expected to just pay up and shut up no matter what he wanted?

AllThoseDirtyWords · 17/08/2012 11:20

Golden, you are missing my point. His responsibilty is not to her, it is to the child.

Fact is he should have being paying and pushed for contact as that is the fair thing to do not ignore the fact he is a father for 12 years and act the martry when it comes back to bite him on the arse!

My partner was about to break up with some many years ago, she fell pregnant in similar circumstance to your friend. Difference is he faced up to it and has been involved and paid for his child from day one and would not change that for the world. Your friend has missed out on so much.

ShirleyKnot · 17/08/2012 11:21

Well, they're being villified on this thread golden.

Plus I think that it's a very rare phenomonen. Furthermore, the sort of person who doesn't see their child or pay towards them is likely to be the sort of person who lies about the circumstances surrounding a pregnancy. IMO.

EasilyBored · 17/08/2012 11:23

I didn;t mean ownership in the sense of paying for their own child, because I imagine they would still be doing that even if they were still in the relationship (to some extent). I meant, rather than saying 'well, he turned into a feckless arsehole who treated me badly after we had the baby' (and yes, it does happen, but not as commonly as people would like to think), actually admit, that he had arsehole tendencies to begine with, you didn't know him that well, and you just figured that everything would work itself out once the baby got here. Of course there are stories where you were married 10 years and your relationship was perfect and then he fucked off with no warning. But really, how often is that the case? How many people just try and paper over the cracks in a shit relationship with a baby?

How many women on MN complain that they are exhausted because they're pregnant and looking after a toddler and their DP does nothing to help? Forgive me for not having much sympathy for you for choosing to have another baby with a man who didn't help you with the first. FGS.