Offering cash to those in crisis then welching…how ok is this?

[Paralyticgold]

For years, my mum?s best friend has been offering to ?help? me as she understands what it?s like to be single with dependants and she?s very well off. She?s been offering without the slightest nudge on my behalf. I?ve never taken her up on it.

So I lose my job, no redundancy, the kitchen floods and needs entirely replacing (inc all the white goods, which died in the flood). Then I am pickpocketed twice. As a finale, my laptop was nicked.

Now penniless, I timidly emailed her explaining the above and asking her to the cinema. The answer ?well DONE for coping on your own.? She says she?s facing a big DIY bill herself at some stage and ?what about the benefits system???

I?ve replied by putting her in touch with a mate who can help her save money on her DIY. But I?m horrified at this ? I really feel I?ve been kicked when I?m down. AIBU?

Did you ask for help or did you just tell her what was going on? Maybe she just thought any offer would be refused again.

ok

so this kind lady offers you money that you decline

she now needs HER money..... you also need some £.... so you ask her for some of hers and she says sorry she needs it?

If i have interpretted that correctly then yes YABU

I can see you're having a tough time lately but why are you horrified? Is the house insured against the flood you've had? Is the laptop insured under your contents insurance? Did you specifically ask for her help in the email or did you just tell her of your problems?

do you have any home insurance to cover the flood damage?

I'd say that either she didn't pick up on your hint or her circumstances have changed and she no longer has money to lend you

So, yes, YABU

Thing is, I found asking for help quite humiliating. I am in trouble, I don't need to be made to feel worse.

I'm also taken aback that a blanket refusal came back practically at autoresponse speed. She can certainly afford to help regardless of her DIY bills, which is also weird.

I wonder if the offer of help was a tenner here and there, not money for cooker, fridge, laptop...

Are YABU to think she should help you out when she needs the money herself? Well quite honestly, yes you are.

YABVU
When she offered (and could afford to give it to you) you said No.

Ever though maybe things are very tight for her right now? Her large DIY bill might be the tip of the iceburg for all you know. She might be up to her ears in debt.

She needs her own money right now.
I think you are cheeky to even ask her for her money. She did not flood your kitchen or steal your laptop or pickpocket you, so why do you feel this lady owes you anything?

She has rightly pointed you towards the benefit system that may be able to help you, with a crisis loan or JSA or the like (depending on what you can claim).

I didn't include the words 'please send me a cheque' as felt it was a little bald - do you think I should have done?

Well, she didn't, did she? She didn't offer you cash during this crisis and then change her mind.

She has offered to help you in the past. You have turned her down.

You have gone to her now (assuming you actually asked for help and didn't just tell her your problems, hoping she would offer) and she can't help at this time because she has something else she has to deal with in her own life.

you are down and that is why you feel as though you've been kicked. You're desperate and you thought that she would be able to help you, because she's offered in the past. But she hasn't actually done anything wrong by not being able to help you at this point.

And you can apply for a crisis loan, so she's right there you don't have to be on benefits to apply

*ever thought

How do you know she can certainly afford to help regardless of her DIY bills?

No. you should not have done. That would have been disgustingly rude.

A polite "I feel terrible for asking, but I remembered how kindly you have offered your help in the past and I wondered if perhaps you were in a position to help me" etc etc

No presumption that you are entitled to her help.

I think asking at all is rude, no matter how you word it.
She has said she has bills to pay. Unless you have access to her accounts you have no idea how much money she has.

Actually, I can pawn a couple of bits of jewellery, so hopefully I won't need a crisis loan.

Perhaps I should complete my humiliation and tell her this?

how did you word your request?

DID YOU HAVE INSURANCE?

INSURANCE? DID YOU HAVE IT?

NO - I cancelled it when I lost my job.... to save money.

No. don't. That would appear very manipulative.

You're not helping me, look what I have to do.

Even if that is not your intention, it's how it would come across.

Perhaps I should complete my humiliation and tell her this?

Why don't you go a step further and go begging in the streets?

This lady owes you nothing

She very kindly offered help in the past....that's not some sort of open ended future security.

Look, there is nothing wrong with having asked. She has in the past offered help, you are in a situation where you need help - it's ok to ask.

But she said no and that must be the end of it.

and you have to accept that it's her right to say no and not hold it against her. It's not her fault you are in this crappy situation. She can't or doesn't want to help, you have to look for a different solution.