Offering cash to those in crisis then welching…how ok is this?

[Paralyticgold]

For years, my mum?s best friend has been offering to ?help? me as she understands what it?s like to be single with dependants and she?s very well off. She?s been offering without the slightest nudge on my behalf. I?ve never taken her up on it.

So I lose my job, no redundancy, the kitchen floods and needs entirely replacing (inc all the white goods, which died in the flood). Then I am pickpocketed twice. As a finale, my laptop was nicked.

Now penniless, I timidly emailed her explaining the above and asking her to the cinema. The answer ?well DONE for coping on your own.? She says she?s facing a big DIY bill herself at some stage and ?what about the benefits system???

I?ve replied by putting her in touch with a mate who can help her save money on her DIY. But I?m horrified at this ? I really feel I?ve been kicked when I?m down. AIBU?

I am not asking for money here. The thought had never occurred to me. And I am not a troll. Tho I do feel at the moment that I don't really exist, sometimes.

I don't know what it is Paralytic - you're being made to take responsibility for other posters on other threads offering other posters money it seems Try not to stress too much (easier said than done I know.) We are beyond skint and waiting for house sales to go through ... it's horrific and I cried this morning because my solicitors spend all day at lunch I think! xx

OP I know how you feel. I find it difficult to ask anyone for anything and when I get rejected it really hurts. Have you clearly explained to your friend what you need? None of this is your fault BTW, it is difficult to scrape by these days.

IME some people like to make offers of help - something financial sometime other things but if you ever try and take them up they are loads of reasons why they can't do what they offered.

Sometimes it is because their circumstance have changed, or they realize the implications of their offer, or the offer was never really real.

When we were really visibly struggling a lot of people I didn't know that well offered help - I assumed they were being polite and didn't take them up. I also didn't want to find out the offers weren't real and there would be not be back up if I reached breaking point - the offers themselves were helping me to cope.

Turns out several of these people were very worried about us, considered us friends and were tiny bit upset that we didn't take them up but struggled on.

You really don't know till you ask.

It's clear the offer if it was ever real isn't there now - so you'll have to look at what options you do have. There may be some kind of emergency social fund around that you can access - not likely - or you'll have to look second hand - free cycle and try and replace bit by bit. It is pretty shit though.

Nice of you to help her out still.

"Turns out several of these people were very worried about us, considered us friends and were tiny bit upset that we didn't take them up but struggled on."

Isn't this the problem with 'not real' offers. it fails to highlight the true saints? That's why it pisses me off.

I wouldn't disagree ethelb .

You can keep the offers in your head as the last resort from drowning - so it they weren't real its impact can be devastating. IME it also makes you very wary and bit cynical about future offers from different people.

I think it's best to forget about the offer of help - tbh I doubt very much when she said she'd help out it meant a kitchen and a laptop. And start thinking about where you can get help to get out of this mess.

I'd get some help from the CAB. I think (but not sure) there may be govt help for essential household repairs.

An earlier poster is right in saying kitchens comes under buildings insurance. If you have a landlord (i.e. are renting) he would have buildings insurance on the property I think.

Hope things get better for you.

OP, are u OK?

the kitchen units would come under buildings cover but the white goods are contents, soprobably wouldnt be covered. contents are normally defined as anything you can take with you, so carpets etc are also contents iirc!

Thanks porcasmiseria. No, I'm not ok. After the unprovoked, savage abuse I was subject to yesterday, I'm seeing the doctor.

I really feel assaulted - maybe I shouldn't take this as seriously as a physical beating, but it still hurts. And when I was down and asked for help, I was attacked, again and again. Then attacked for showing my distress.

Mumsnet now is more of a Roman amphitheatre in the days of human sacrifice than a valid online forum.

Thank you again - I'm off.

Paralytic - you don't deserve the abuse. Talk about kicking someone when they are down...I think some posters just feed off the adrenaline of posting nasty stuff. I have no advice, just wanted to support you and wish you luck.

some posters on here are just nasty fucking bitches who get a genuine thrill from spotting what might be a troll, then hounduling that person. dont give them.a second thought op

saintmerry - some I don't think even need the scent of a troll, they are just plain nasty!

Hope your ok op. Its a horrible feeling when your last hope fails you when your desperate. You have my sympathies xx

I am horrified at some of the posts on this thread.

The OP made a mistake when she cancelled the insurance but she has paid for this mistake dearly.

Is there really a need to go onto a thread where the OP is visibly upset and cause more hurt? Do you feel good about yourselves having done that?

Poster like you lot give MN a bad name.

There have been some excellent and supportive posts on this thread. I hope that the op can concentrate on them rather than the abusive posts.

Good luck.

Some posts on this thread disgust me. And none of them are by the OP. Would it actually kill some people to just not type, if all they can think of is so nasty? Seriously?

OP I am sorry things are so hard. Hang on in there - it does, always, get better.

ethelb, I know which thread you are talking about (with the offers of various furniture etc) and I know the Mn'er in question. ASFAIK everybody did their utmost to help her. Out of the goodness of their own hearts.

It does feel a bit like playing judge and jury on here at times. I don't think that the OP has warranted half the shite that she's had on this thread.

Although fwiw, the original OP was a bit tactless.

Just read this & whilst I don't think the OP's friend is in the wrong I don't think the OP deserved the abuse she got.

I'm just wondering what people think constitutes an empty offer. If anyone I know is in trouble I always say 'if there's anything I can do please ask' but if they asked me for £1000 I wouldn't be able to help. Does this totally negate my offer of help?

Sometimes people just think a post is a joke/troll and leap in without giving the benefit of the doubt. Internet is pretty anonymous, so people say things they'd never say in real life.

There should be a little 'think' message that flashes 'imagine you are the OP in genuine need/distress...' Before you post. Usually trollery is obvious, bus sometimes posts don't come over well, or messages are done in haste or when someone is upset or angry.

I suspect the 'if you ever need help...' was a gesture, not a genuine offer. Just one of those things people say (like 'if you need anything...') but the OP is desperate enough to grasp at the straw.

I find it ironic when someone thinks they can sit in moral judgement on someone, when behaving so disgustingly badly themselves. Directness is one thing; spite is quite another. Really horrible to witness.

I was getting more and more upset reading this thread. The vitriol that was directed at the OP was appalling, and I didn't even get to see the threads that were deleted so don't want to think how bad THEY were. It is VERY easy to let insurance lapse when things are tough financially, the OP is certainly not the only one who has done this.

OP, I know it feels as though you are at the end of your tether, but help can be at hand. You have received some good advice here.

I don't know much about your skill base, OP, is there any way you can earn a bit of extra money at the moment? Babysitting, some bar work maybe. Although with dependents that might be a bit hard. Perhaps your/a friend would be willing to look after your DC while you do a couple of one off jobs?

This thread is so upsetting. Some of you lot must really be perfect, eh?

I hope you're ok OP.

OP, ignore the posters accusing you of being "entitled" etc.

I don't know your mum's best friend, but I agree she could be "contrary" (reminds me of my mum . Something would be offerred, then it became vague, or impossible to pin down or just taken back. Found it very frustrating as a broke single parent. Now, whenever I am offerred anything I take it then-and-there, for a rainy-day sotospeak. Sorry you are feeling like this with all this stuff going on. I hope seeing your doctor relieves some of your anguish.

OP - hope you get yourself back on track. Everything I say is meant kindly, even if it may not sound like it is on the surface. This si what I would say to a friend.

Forget all about this lady - whether she meant the offers in the past and now cannot afford it OR was full of kind words with no substance, she is not your salvation so forget about her.

Being self-pitying on the internet won't help either, I'm afraid that is like a red rag to a bull to many people and is kind of asking to be be cyber-bullied.

There has been some fab advice on this thread though.

1. Freecycle/Freegle - I give away all my stuff through Freegle (I can't bear wasting working stuff, and I would use it ina heartbeat if I was skint, it's brilliant and you can ask for the stuff you need rather than waiting to see if anyone offers it. You will need transport to pick things up in most cases though, just to make you aware.

1. Citizens Advice and social services should be able to help with advice and possibly crisis loans respectively.

1. You don't sound very well from some of your posts and some kind of reactive depression would not be unusual in someone who has had as much bad luck as you have. Definitely go for that visit to your GP you mentioned.

Best of British

I know we kicked ourselves when we cancelled insurance on a loan as we couldn't afford it, but then dh got sick, these things happen.
Are you a LA house? If so they should cover buildings insurance, so might worth a call.
Yes you were wrong to assume this woman would help you, but there has been no need for some of the posts here.