Offering cash to those in crisis then welching…how ok is this?

[Paralyticgold]

For years, my mum?s best friend has been offering to ?help? me as she understands what it?s like to be single with dependants and she?s very well off. She?s been offering without the slightest nudge on my behalf. I?ve never taken her up on it.

So I lose my job, no redundancy, the kitchen floods and needs entirely replacing (inc all the white goods, which died in the flood). Then I am pickpocketed twice. As a finale, my laptop was nicked.

Now penniless, I timidly emailed her explaining the above and asking her to the cinema. The answer ?well DONE for coping on your own.? She says she?s facing a big DIY bill herself at some stage and ?what about the benefits system???

I?ve replied by putting her in touch with a mate who can help her save money on her DIY. But I?m horrified at this ? I really feel I?ve been kicked when I?m down. AIBU?

OP, I understand that things must be shit for you right now, but you're being manipulative by implying with comments about using your life insurance that you intend to harm yourself.

If your mum's friend has clearly and definitely offered financial help in the past then it must be upsetting to realise that the offers may have been empty. :( Regardless, you need to forget about it - you've asked, she's made it clear she can't or won't give/lend you money.

Sometimes your local council can provide 'starter packs' which they usually give to people leaving temporary accomodation or residential care for their new home, but which they may also provide for those in need for other reasons, like yours. Also Emmaus www.emmaus.org.uk are a great charity who refurbish and re-sell second-hand kitchen appliances. If you're currently on benefits or have a low income you'll be able to get good discounts on what they sell.

It's rotten when you think you've found a solution to a problem and it turns out not to exist but it still isn't this woman's fault that she's not in a position to give you money at the moment. Pawning jewellery is a good idea, the rates are generally less awful than most short-term loans and if you have gold, the value of it is very good at the moment.

OP you've been drip feeding information and were very aggressive to some posters.

Sorry you're in this situation but you're being a bit melodramatic.

Oh. You didn't mean cash it in, you meant kill yourself.

That is not going to help, particularly when you have children. If you are feeling like things are actually that much on top of you - go to your GP.

It's only stuff. Stuff can be replaced. You can't.

You have had a run of shitty luck. It happens. You will get through this and come out the other side.

There are furniture projects and all sorts of help out there. Freecycle. Crisis loan. Selling other things.

There is stuff you can do, you just need to see a way to the solutions through the emotions that you are feeling.

i say "just", like it's an easy thing. It's not. But trust me when I tell you that you can hit rock bottom, have nothing and come back from that. So you can do this!

I think possibly the OP is upset, overwrought and maybe unwell, rather than being deliberately melodramatic. Its certainly not the other woman's fault though.

great advice hecate

Grow up, and take responsibility for your own choices.

It is your irresponsibility which means you had no insurance to pay for the damage. You didn't prioritise your bills correctly. Why didn't it occur to you sooner to pawn jewellery / laptops / ask for monetary support? Why did you decide it was a good idea to cancel insurance "to save money"?

You could have sorted this properly in the first place and now you're making ridiculous statements about suicide and bullying.

For the whitegoods, post on freecycle
Good luck with the jobhunt

wankpants are you trying to be helpful? because its really not coming across that way

Unfortunately people often say things they don't really mean and then back down when called on it. It's a way of looking open hearted and generous without actually being those things.
A generous person would have just left you something in an envelope if they really meant.
What does your Mum say? Is she still around?

mercibucket is correct about freecycle - or Freegle as it seems to be round here. Many decent sounding items on offer on a daily basis.
You sound tired, stressed and at the end of your tether, but please don't make subtle threats about harming yourself - it's not fair for people panicking behind their computer screens unable to help.

wankpants

you are all heart! come on, sweet jesus. you know nothing about OP, so why not err on the side of kindness. she has made it clear she has taken some comments to heart. why twist the knife?

why risk upsetting a complete stranger who is clearly upset?

or is writing a shitty comment so important?

sheesh

I'm just too tired to tell you that the statements are not ridiculous. I only wish they were.

"Unfortunately people often say things they don't really mean and then back down when called on it. It's a way of looking open hearted and generous without actually being those things."

I agree with this. I don't think the woman ever owed OP anything, but actually I could go around telling people I will give them money if they ever need it, take all the glory from being thought of as a 'generous' person and then not ever give anything out. Mine and DP's parents are like this. They don't owe us anything, but I do think they never intended to give us the things they promised in the first place so why say anything?

What is wrong with the MN search function lately?

There was a thread the other night where an OP was saying they were very skint and although they didn't actually ask for money, they immediately accepted lots of offers of financial help.

I'm not saying the OP is that person by the way

But both times I've tried to use the search function on their names and absolutely zero has come up.

Not even the thread they were on?

Op pleas get some decent help from somewhere. Cab?

I timidly emailed her explaining the above and asking her to the cinema.

Sweetheart, this is not asking for a leg-up. It's having a whinge and inviting a friend out.

Please try again, using Hecate's wording: "I feel terrible for asking, but I remembered how kindly you have offered your help in the past and I wondered if perhaps you were in a position to help me".

And you know posts in AIBU always attracts a few who like to kick the vulnerable when they're down. It makes them feel better about themselves or something

I really dont want to self harm. Let me reassure you. But I really really do need to see a doctor i think. This thread has made me realise that it is a priority.

OP - you need to be proactive about getting your life sorted. Step one - join your local Freegle. It's a yahoo group and you have to be approved but you will get about 20 emails/day offering various items.

Worra the search doesn't pick them up straight away. It takes a while for new posts and threads to filter through to the mothership. (technical)

I think that is a very good idea. You are clearly not coping and you need some help. Give them a call. They are there to help you.

Thanks ethelb I learnt it the hard way too.