Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offering cash to those in crisis then welching…how ok is this?

135 replies

Paralyticgold · 15/08/2012 13:57

For years, my mum?s best friend has been offering to ?help? me as she understands what it?s like to be single with dependants and she?s very well off. She?s been offering without the slightest nudge on my behalf. I?ve never taken her up on it.

So I lose my job, no redundancy, the kitchen floods and needs entirely replacing (inc all the white goods, which died in the flood). Then I am pickpocketed twice. As a finale, my laptop was nicked.

Now penniless, I timidly emailed her explaining the above and asking her to the cinema. The answer ?well DONE for coping on your own.? She says she?s facing a big DIY bill herself at some stage and ?what about the benefits system???

I?ve replied by putting her in touch with a mate who can help her save money on her DIY. But I?m horrified at this ? I really feel I?ve been kicked when I?m down. AIBU?

OP posts:
twofingerstoGideon · 15/08/2012 15:02

I echo what Porcamiseria posted and Hecate has offered some good suggestions.

I cannot believe some of the other postings on this thread. Totally unnecessary.

OP - I hope you are okay.

garlicnuts · 15/08/2012 15:02

Good that you're going to see the doctor, OP :)

How about checking out some of things Hecate suggested?

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2012 15:02

Really Stealth?

Thanks I didn't realise that. Come to think of it, those were the only 2 I searched Blush

crikeybill · 15/08/2012 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

crikeybill · 15/08/2012 15:03

Oh and OP Porcamiseria and Hecate have posted some lovely words of advice. Good luck.

StealthPolarBear · 15/08/2012 15:04

I think so. I have a little knowledge of this and its not an instant thing. There is something crawling through the site, picking up new links and sending all the info back. What a job :)

Original poster
Paralyticgold · 15/08/2012 15:06

Yes I will do the things you have suggested.

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 15/08/2012 15:07

YANBU OP. You sound like you're having a horrific time of it. I've been there, I've had the humiliation of a knock back from someone I really thought would have (and easily could have) helped me. I wanted to die from the humiliation.

It will be ok. You will get through it. Ramsdens are really good if you need a loan against your jewellery, I found them really nice to deal with. Where are you in the uk? There might even be mumsnetters who could help with kitchen equipment etc that they are looking to rehome.

FreeBirdsFlying · 15/08/2012 15:07

It comes up on a search for me Worra,only this thread though.

FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 15:08

I think Ramsdens also buy phones

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2012 15:10

I thought Ramsdens only sold fish and chips Blush

OP, in all seriousness you'll find your way out of this and hopefully come out the other side as a stronger person.

Hard times are upon everyone it would seem but we all struggle on and pick ourselves up.

You will too, I'm sure.

ethelb · 15/08/2012 15:12

the fact that this thread hasn't turned into a money/stuff pledging thread does suggest that posters have thought twice before claiming they have given something. Also makes me wonder about how much of the generosity on other threads was real Hmm

solidgoldbrass · 15/08/2012 15:13

It's not a good idea to give or offer money to strangers on the internet.

StealthPolarBear · 15/08/2012 15:14

I don't follow Ethel

DontmindifIdo · 15/08/2012 15:14

If it helps, I've been in the position of offering financial help to someone I'm close to in the past and them turning it down. At the time, it was genuninely meant and I had the money spare, a friend who was stuck in a Middle Eastern country having split up with her boyfriend and lost her job, I offered to pay for her flight and to ship her stuff - it would have been about £10k in all. Fast forward a couple of years and that money has been spent on our house - I now would struggle to offer the same friend more than £1k.

It looks like the sums you need to borrow are at least £2k - most people don't have that spare. When she said she could help out, it might have been more in the tune of £1-200, not £1-2,000. Perhaps the sheer scale of what you need means she can't help.

I would also suggest you asking her to the cinema would sound like you are able to find some spare money and so not make it clear just how skint you are (not saying you shouldn't go, just that the impression it gives is that you aren't in as bad a situation as you are).

Take a deep breath, the work through the good advice on here. One thing worth checking, the flood, who's fault was that? If it was the responsibility of a landlord or another flat, their insurance might pay for at least some of it.

ethelb · 15/08/2012 15:15

no its a dreadful idea. hasn't stopped many posters claiming they have on other threads. i think a modicum of honest has come out of this thread that there hasn't been on other threads of a similar nature. it is good. i like it.

crikeybill · 15/08/2012 15:15

I saw a thread the other day where by page 2 I could have paid my rent with the amount of donations given !

WelshMaenad · 15/08/2012 15:15

I never would. Besides, I'm skint! However if the op was local to me, I would help. I don't have anything to regime but I have a massive estate car and could help her by picking up something that was offered on freecycle, for example.

BalloonSlayer · 15/08/2012 15:15

"Unfortunately people often say things they don't really mean and then back down when called on it. It's a way of looking open hearted and generous without actually being those things."

yy to that.

My BIL died suddenly - he shared childcare with my DSis, they both worked half the week. The manager of the nursery said to my distraught DSis "If there's anything I can do, ANYTHING, please ask..."

My sister said, "Well actually, could DS come to nursery 2 more days a week, as otherwise I can't go to work"

The nursery manager looked at her aghast and said "Oh Nooo, sorry, no can't do that."

Made my poor devastated sister feel well shit for daring to ask for a bit more PAID childcare for her son, it's not like she wanted it for free or anything.

FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 15:19

ethelb I disagree. Firstly, there is a wonderful thread (or I hope it's still there) somewhere on MN with many people giving away items they no longer need. I really fail to see why someone would make a fake offer of kindness on an anonymous internet forum - what possible reason could there be?

And in all frankness I think they way the tone of this thread plummeted will have stopped many people offering donations or even commenting full stop.

squeakytoy · 15/08/2012 15:21

I am the only one wondering where the OP is finding the money from for the cinema... hardly a fecking priority is it!

ethelb · 15/08/2012 15:21

there is a big difference between offering something you don't need, really that's recycling, and offering cash though. i don't freeccle to look lieka good person, I freecycle as I don't have a car and can't get to the tip.

FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 15:26

Well personally I've never seen a thread on here where people have offered to donate cash, though I'm sure it does happen. I also think that's taking things onto really dodgy ground and wouldn't do it myself.
Anything I think anyone might have use of that I don't want to throw away, such as books or furniture, I tend to freecycle because i hope karma will see me and send a free fishtank my way

crikeybill · 15/08/2012 16:14

fermez there have been loads lately. One that springs to mind is one last week where a poster asked how she could raise fifty quid to send her dd to camp.
She was offered it from loads of posters via PayPal.

usualsuspect · 15/08/2012 16:20

It is odd how some posters get offered help and some don't. I know exactly what you mean crikeybill. That poster got offered loads of money.