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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have this opinion of SIL.

274 replies

Justme23 · 10/08/2012 11:41

Probably a terrible whiny thread actually but I need a vent.

The back story is that since I have known SIL2 she has wanted to get pregnant.

Her ex left her because she stopped her contraception without telling him (which in my opinion is abhorrent). He was always very vocal that he wasn't ready for a baby and neither was she, because of their age and situation. (SIL being 19 and VERY immature and him being 21 and studying furiously for a law degree, both living at respective maternal homes). He was broken up when he found out she was lying and took it very hard, poor kid.

Anyway she finally conceived after a string of one night stands and an on off thing with her ex. She told another guy that the baby was his for the last six months of her pg but when baby was born it was clear that her ex is the father.

She told him (via text) and he rang her to ask what she wanted from him. She said nothing at all (very dramatic scene, telling him he can't go anywhere near the baby, she is a "strong" woman, blah blah.

And typically after 14 months she's realising it's not as easy as she thought it was, mainly down to her doting mummy refusing to sponsor her anymore after she threw a tantrum and smashed up her room. (over a broken phone no less)

She is the epitome of a Jeremy Kyle brat. Out every weekend, no job, sees less of her child than I do mine and I have a full time 12 hours a day job!

So she rings her ex, who is doing brilliantly at his degree and job, has got a lovely girlfriend and money etc, and demands money from him.

He said no... That if she will allow him some time to meet the baby and get to know her then he will provide for THE CHILD.

And I agree with him..? So does DP.

Is it that unreasonable?

OP posts:
onetiredmummy · 10/08/2012 11:43

How was it 'clear' the ex was the father?

Chattymummyhere · 10/08/2012 11:47

Law wise he does not have to see the baby to have to pay for it... I would not pay a penny till DNA was done anyway and as his in Law, take her to court for access once paternity has been proven.

FelicitywasSarca · 10/08/2012 11:47

If all that you have said is true then Yanbu in your opinion of her.

However, I think the 'father' needs to insist on DNA testing and then putting a plan of proper support (not just financial) for the child.

While I 100% understand his frustration and anger in this situation, and he didn't choose this. There is now a childs life at stake, and it sounds like the child's father is the best hope the kid has for a secure life.

piprabbit · 10/08/2012 11:49

DNA test first.

pjmama · 10/08/2012 11:49

Presumably she's the spitting image of her father. Mine are - DS came out with minature versions of DH's weird ears Grin.

She sounds like a complete spoiled brat and I think the Ex is being totally fair - he's happy to contribute but he wants to get to know his daughter too. She's entitled to support, but father and daughter are also entitled to a relationship with each other.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 10/08/2012 11:53

YANBU but the law doesn't work that way and her ex has to take responsibility for his own actions. If he knew that your SIL wasn't to be trusted over contraception then why didn't he sort it out himself?

puds11 · 10/08/2012 11:54

Have you posted about this girl before op?

DuelingFanjo · 10/08/2012 11:56

What a shame he won't provide for his child. What a shame she won't let him see the baby.

Poor child.

Hopefully that baby will have some better role-models in the extended family.

Trills · 10/08/2012 11:59

DNA test first.

Then if the baby is his he should take responsibility.

And if the baby is his she should allow for the baby to have a relationship with its father.

NurseBernard · 10/08/2012 12:00

Poor child.

TheDreadedFoosa · 10/08/2012 12:02

She sounds horrendous, poor child.
But the one thing that really stands out for me here is that he had unprotected sex with someone he knew actively wanted to get pregnant. He should pay.

cheaperthantherapy · 10/08/2012 12:03

I think the important one in this situation is the child. Regardless of the back story here if he is the Father he must financially contribute. If he wants to be a father to his child he can gain access through the courts.

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 12:48

No I haven't posted about this girl before. I don't doubt there are many like her.

Ex is definitely dad. Acknowledged all round.

The only night that I'm aware ex did not use a condom, the morning afterwards he took her to get the MAP with her agreement, she has since admitted she didn't swallow it.

Exes main issue with paying her is that he knows her well enough that the money will NOT go to the child. She has her home paid for and an allowance from JSA and her mother. He has said once he gets to know the child he will supply anything she needs but refuses to hand over any money directly to SIL.

Which I completely agree with.

OP posts:
littlemoominmamma · 10/08/2012 12:53

is it just me or is anyone else thinking if he didnt want a baby he should have put something on the end of it! they are now equally responsible for the child. He may have a law degree and a new girlfriend but he may also have a daughter and needs to step up. (JK style ;0)

jollyrancher · 10/08/2012 12:57

If its his baby then he needs to pay regardless of whether he sees the baby or not. I don't see how her being awful means he doesn't need to take responsibility.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 12:57

DNA test and then start paying maintenance

If he's unhappy with that, a condom would have been the best idea.

She sounds quite unhappy and disturbed

Have you tried supporting her OP?

ethelb · 10/08/2012 12:58

She has no obligation to take the MAP. I have never taken it and don't think I ever will.

I'm shocked youthink he is not equally responsible for the pregnancy.

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 13:02

See this is where I disagree littlemoominmama.

Short of spiking her drink with the MAP there isn't much else. He took her to the chemist, bought the pill, gave it her and watched her put it in her mouth. Damage control ends there.

But I know for a fact that if she had called him as soon as she found out he would have stepped up.

I was there when the first phone all took place and clearly heard him ask what she wanted from him and the reaction he got was totally unfair and after being abused for fifteen minutes I think he is well within his rights to say sod off.

Why should any man pay for a child he cannot see. If she had wanted out of the pregnancy she could have terminated it, what choice has he to remove himself?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 13:05

But she didn't want out of the pregnancy did she?

And he should pay his way because he's created a life with her...whether he sees the baby or not.

ethelb · 10/08/2012 13:05

yes he could have used a condom

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 13:08

And actually buying her the MAP and standing there watching her put it in her mouth, sounds very much like he was trying to force her into taking it.

Thankfully she had the good sense not to swallow it.

littlemoominmamma · 10/08/2012 13:09

OMG! She should have "terminated her child" because he said so!

He was "within his rights to tell her to sod off" what bloody planet do you live on!

My 16yr old son knows contraception is his responsibility and his ALONE if he does not want a child.

This is pure venom on your part.

TheDreadedFoosa · 10/08/2012 13:09

Well thats the crux of it, he has no 'choice to remove himself. Other than simply being yet another bloke who gets a girl pregnant and refuses to deal with the consequences.
A man has no right to dictate how a pregnancy is dealt with, its that simple and therefore his 'choices' come at the stage where he chooses to have unprotected sex.
Nothing this girl has done actually has any bearing on his responsibilities.
I feel sorry that he is going to be linked to such a vile sounding person for the foreseeeable future, but my sympathy is limited (very). Was his need to empty his balls so very important?

jollyrancher · 10/08/2012 13:10

"Why should any man pay for a child he cannot see"

Because children aren't pay per view. They don't eat less or require less clothing or use less utilities just because they are out of sight. It is his child and someone has to pay and that someone is him.

What is he doing about getting access?

diddl · 10/08/2012 13:12

"I think he is well within his rights to say sod off."

But he is effectively saying that to his child.

Surely he can see the child if he goes through the proper channels?

She probably won´t make it easy-but he has to try.

Stopping taking contraception without telling him is horrible-but it sounds as if the indications were there that she might not be trusted.

Why should he only have to support his child if he sees her?

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