To have this opinion of SIL.

[Justme23]

Probably a terrible whiny thread actually but I need a vent.

The back story is that since I have known SIL2 she has wanted to get pregnant.

Her ex left her because she stopped her contraception without telling him (which in my opinion is abhorrent). He was always very vocal that he wasn't ready for a baby and neither was she, because of their age and situation. (SIL being 19 and VERY immature and him being 21 and studying furiously for a law degree, both living at respective maternal homes). He was broken up when he found out she was lying and took it very hard, poor kid.

Anyway she finally conceived after a string of one night stands and an on off thing with her ex. She told another guy that the baby was his for the last six months of her pg but when baby was born it was clear that her ex is the father.

She told him (via text) and he rang her to ask what she wanted from him. She said nothing at all (very dramatic scene, telling him he can't go anywhere near the baby, she is a "strong" woman, blah blah.

And typically after 14 months she's realising it's not as easy as she thought it was, mainly down to her doting mummy refusing to sponsor her anymore after she threw a tantrum and smashed up her room. (over a broken phone no less)

She is the epitome of a Jeremy Kyle brat. Out every weekend, no job, sees less of her child than I do mine and I have a full time 12 hours a day job!

So she rings her ex, who is doing brilliantly at his degree and job, has got a lovely girlfriend and money etc, and demands money from him.

He said no... That if she will allow him some time to meet the baby and get to know her then he will provide for THE CHILD.

And I agree with him..? So does DP.

Is it that unreasonable?

If he wants to see his child he should see a solicitor. He should also contact the CSA. Her being selfish, spending money on bingo, being bailed out by family etc does not remove his obligation to support his child. If he's genuinely worried about the child's welfare he can contact SS.

surely she isn't claiming JSA? it would be IS as a single parent to a young child ...

I'm also baffled by the emphasis being the money rather than the welfare of the child.

Her baby is PAID FOR BY EVERYONE ELSE

THEIR BABY.

He has to take responsibility for impregnanting a woman whi isn't stable.

The family, including your DP needs to report any neglect and shouldn't have supported her in not prioriising her child.

She obviously had and has problems and they should have directed the right support toher rather than throwing money at her.

Why are you in such detailed conversations with the father?

It is a pity that some time back someone did not focus on her.

The father should be breaking down her door to see his child and make sure that this child's need are met.

Buying stuff will only release money for her to drink, anyway, he needs to actually be a father.

You and your DP are wrong, but you have scapegoated her. They are both wrong, as any feckless parents are.

Her dad has been refilling her bank account since she was 16. He would do it if Nathan was giving her a grand a week.

By the way she only wants £100 pw cash, delivered to her door on a Friday. Baby is at nannies thurs/fri/sat/sun. Because otherwise it will be at one of her mates instead.

She is the epitome of a Jeremy Kyle brat

JK's 'brats' are generally created by their upbringing and then enabled by the extended family, btw.

But why is what her dad gives her of any relevance to what the father's child maintenance payments should be?

Tbh, she sounds like a twat. I wouldnwant to give her money either but I would, because its the right thing to do, BUT I would keep every last penny on record, fight to see the child and keep every last meeting and court hearing records, so that when the selfish bitch tries to drag his name through the mud later, he has proof that he's done right.

He should have used a condom, but tbh, its pissing me off that while you all flame him for that, excuses are made for this woman behaving like a twat. They've both got themselves into this situation equally.

She sounds horrendous.

He chose to have sex knowing the potential consequences despite knowing she is horrendous and nothing besides not having sex at all is 100% effective including MAP.

He is now a father.

Having a child with an unstable person isn't some youthful mistake you actually get to walk away from and put behind you.

He is a father.

Why is he allowing his child to be brought up so much by other people?

Baby is at nannies thurs/fri/sat/sun. Because otherwise it will be at one of her mates instead.

Her dad has been refilling her bank account since she was 16

Well there you have who the blame lays with, peraps your DP is in denial,but he needs to look closer to home.

OP, everything you have posted about her reflects not only on her, but on him as well.

What kind of man, especially one with a profession, allows his daughter to be raised in conditions you make out are so appalling, by a mother you consider to be so irresponsible, without making any effort to change things?

He is behaving like a spoilt child, who won't do what he is told (what the law requires him to do) until he gets what he wants. Not only is that immature, if he continues to refuse, then he jeopardises his career and sacrifices his daughter to the life she is currently leading.

His actions are worse that just "not paying" - you and he are deliberately using his DD's suffering at the hands of her mother as evidence of why he shouldn't pay, rather than stepping up and doing something about it.

What a man

He should be working towards having the baby Thurs/fri/sat.

Give it up. you are just not going to get people to agree that it is ok for a man to sleep with a woman without a condom, knowing what he knows about her and then refuse to provide money for the child that is created, on the grounds that she is a terrible person and other people are giving her money.

She may well be the worst person on the planet, but this bloke (I won't repeat the name you've just given in your post!) had a choice. Made his choice and now he has to pay for that choice.

It is his responsibility. Not her father's. Not the state's. His. And hers, don't get me wrong, it's hers too. But no amount of posts about how horrible she is and all the people who are subbing her and how much she drinks and what she's demanding are going to make it ok for a bloke to refuse to contribute to the day to day expenses of raising his child.

Oh do stop drip feeding before we need to call out the RNLI

Everyone else pays for her baby because the father doesn't contribute a penny!

I'm quite surprised she let you in her house though, despite how much you clearly despise her.

Are you one of these people who are lovely to her face, yet slags her off behind her back?

Oh so her behaviour is MY fault.. Well there you go then. How I have influenced a 22 year old I've only known for 5 years I'll never know...

I'm acting as mediator for the ex because she will not speak to him until he has cash.

He is actually desperate to meet his child. I know he has legal proceedings waiting on her so hopefully that will come through.

Why are you so keen to get him off the hook? He is no relation to you, she and the child are. What is your relationship with him?

Yes, she sounds a bit 'hmmmmm' by your descriptions (which i suspect are somewhat biased) but that doesn't change the fact that he was man enough to make the baby but not man enough to take care of it.

Why aren't you answering questions about how much effort he has made to see the child? Because he hasn't really made any effort at all? Because the poor child doesn't fit in with his life plan?

She may sound bad. To me he sounds a whole lot worse.

He needs to pay. Cash. The law agrees.

Do you genuinely think that the child is neglected?

"He is actually desperate to meet his child"

no he's not.

Worra she thinks I love her, despite having her forcibly removed from my house after assaulting her niece.

She thinks EVERYONE loves her.

No jollyrancher I don't, because the extended family are the ones that care for her.
We make sure of it.

I know he has legal proceedings waiting on her so hopefully that will come through.

and if he has a decent family lawyer (which undoubtedly he does, because his employers won't want to see him hauled over the coals by another firm in court) then they will have advised him to fulfil all his legal obligations, maintain civil and respectful contact, keep a paper trail etc.

If he ignores the advice of his solicitor, particularly one who has been appointed by his employers, then his life will continue to fall apart as he will likely lose his job, prospects and gain a reputation that law firms won't want anything to do with.

Why do you think so much of this man? He may have been taken in by his ex, but his behaviour towards his DD is unforgivable!

Goodygumdrops I assumed CSA goes through bank accounts, not cash cash.

If she knew that then she would ring them ASAP.

www.itv.com/jeremykyle/be-a-guest/

I also think that in these sorts of situations, a court should be able to allow support to be given in the form of father buying set items/set £worth of shopping for baby.

I don't see what the problem is there.

When I had my daughter, her father wanted to give me money for her. I declined because I am shit with money. I had enough to support me and my daughter if hed given me mone too I knew damned well at that age (I was 19) it would have been wasted on crap we didn't need.

I said to him If he wanted to do something financially for us, put the money he would have given me aside for emergencies such as say my boiler broke - lily would benefit from being able to fix it quickly. He would offer to do my shopping via internet too.

Why hasn't he approached the CSA himself to arrange payment?