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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have this opinion of SIL.

274 replies

Justme23 · 10/08/2012 11:41

Probably a terrible whiny thread actually but I need a vent.

The back story is that since I have known SIL2 she has wanted to get pregnant.

Her ex left her because she stopped her contraception without telling him (which in my opinion is abhorrent). He was always very vocal that he wasn't ready for a baby and neither was she, because of their age and situation. (SIL being 19 and VERY immature and him being 21 and studying furiously for a law degree, both living at respective maternal homes). He was broken up when he found out she was lying and took it very hard, poor kid.

Anyway she finally conceived after a string of one night stands and an on off thing with her ex. She told another guy that the baby was his for the last six months of her pg but when baby was born it was clear that her ex is the father.

She told him (via text) and he rang her to ask what she wanted from him. She said nothing at all (very dramatic scene, telling him he can't go anywhere near the baby, she is a "strong" woman, blah blah.

And typically after 14 months she's realising it's not as easy as she thought it was, mainly down to her doting mummy refusing to sponsor her anymore after she threw a tantrum and smashed up her room. (over a broken phone no less)

She is the epitome of a Jeremy Kyle brat. Out every weekend, no job, sees less of her child than I do mine and I have a full time 12 hours a day job!

So she rings her ex, who is doing brilliantly at his degree and job, has got a lovely girlfriend and money etc, and demands money from him.

He said no... That if she will allow him some time to meet the baby and get to know her then he will provide for THE CHILD.

And I agree with him..? So does DP.

Is it that unreasonable?

OP posts:
FermezLaBouche · 10/08/2012 15:43

But life would be much simpler if I were her
Just out of interest, by that do you mean that you could be with the chap? Not a snipey question, just genuinely interested as you do (as others have said) seem very into this man.

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 10/08/2012 15:43

You are very emtionally involved, though, aren't you? Do you think that's wise?

pumpkinsweetie · 10/08/2012 15:51

You sound far too involved in the situation imo. There may be more to this than you think.
Also if a man is adament he does not want kids and has suspisions his gf is not taking her contraceptives, then its his responsibility to put a johnny on the end of his bellend.
I think a DNA test would be the first thing to do the rule out other fathers and then she should go from there. A man should pay for his child and if this is his child he should face up to his responsibilities.

jollyrancher · 10/08/2012 15:53

Has he done the CSA calculation to see what he should be paying?

Has he actually done anything apart from giving you a locket and card to pass on?

Has is solicitor advised him to pay or not?

Why hasn't he had a DNA test done? The child is 14 months old. Is she refusing to have it done.

He sounds astoundingly passive. I would be shitting myself if it was my child.

AMigratingCoconutsPersonalBest · 10/08/2012 15:53

Hectate has spoken a great deal of sense on this thread.

Worra...you do seem to me to be quite snipey and aggresive. Not sure why! Is this hitting some sort of nerve for you??

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 15:55

Oh dear lord. This has had me in stitches.

I do have a distanced professional history with this man from a long time ago. I know a lot about him.

I am also 15 years his senior. And no, I am not in anyway interested in him as anything other than a friend.

I meant my life would be easier because having a break from full time job, animals children, partner, mortgages, responsibilities in general would be quite nice.

OP posts:
LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 10/08/2012 15:57

But you have talked with him in graphic detail about at least one of his sexual encounters?

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 15:57

Yes she has refused DNA. I thought I had mentioned that, sorry.

He is the only non white man she has slept with so apparently that is enough clarification for her. Baby is also very strikingly similar to him.

OP posts:
CaseyShraeger · 10/08/2012 15:57

So they'd already broken up because she was lying to him about being on contraception when she was actually deliberately trying to get pregnant with him as the father?

And THEN he has sex with her again, without contraception, because she tells him she will take the MAP afterwards. Ignoring that her lying about that was the whole reason they split up in the first place . Ignoring that the MAP (even had she actually taken it) isn't even close to 100% effective anyway.

I am struggling to see how anyone could behave QUITE so stupidly.

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 15:58

It's hardly graphic... And that conversation was from her to my DP actually.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 15:59

Worra...you do seem to me to be quite snipey and aggresive. Not sure why! Is this hitting some sort of nerve for you??

No, is it hitting it for you?

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 10/08/2012 15:59

There are plenty of women on MN who have had relationships (emtional or physical) with men a lot younger than they are. Just sayin'. Be careful. This guy sounds less than reliable, on the facts front.

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 10/08/2012 16:02

I don't think it's snipey for Worra to point out that the OP seems to be extremely protective of this guy.

Snipey would be, ooh, maybe saying that the OP seems bizarrely protective of this guy's right to be a total knobber.

AMigratingCoconutsPersonalBest · 10/08/2012 16:03
Confused
KatieisScarlettinSpandex · 10/08/2012 16:04

Firstly, she should be on IS not JSA as she has a child under 5 and is not required to be looking for work.

Secondly, she should go to the CSA as any maint. she gets will be disregarded for benefit purposes. Putting money into an account will not swing with the CSA.

If her family wish to subsidise her tat's none of your beeswax. Your mate is a muppet for not using a condom, bearing in mind he knew exactly what she was like.

AMigratingCoconutsPersonalBest · 10/08/2012 16:05

I'm commenting on what i have seen throughout this thread.

The difference between hectate's posting and Worra's is not huge in stance, for instance but I simply have found hectate's more constructive.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 16:05

It's not even that she's so weirdly over protective and insisting he's right not to pay any money for his child...it's that she seems so vile towards her SIL at the same time.

She doesn't have to like her, but what is the point in getting involved in this when A) She clearly can't stand her SIL and B) She can't see past the rose tinted glasses she wears when it comes to the guy.

No good will come of this nose poking if she can't at least remain neutral.

After all there's a baby in the middle of all this who needs to be taken care of.

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 10/08/2012 16:06

Hecate's posts have been very constructive but the OP does not appear to have really taken any of them on board.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 16:07

That's good Coconuts, we all enjoy different posting styles I'm sure.

larrygrylls · 10/08/2012 16:08

It is amazing the way people here jump on a man. In a relationship, I don't think it is unreasonable to assume a trusted long term partner is not lying about contraception. She tricked him in an evil way and became pregnant, possibly with his child. He is interested in access and even co-parenting, assuming the child is actually his but the mother, who used him as a sperm bank, has no interest in him having a father/child relationship, and now just wants to use him as a free bank. Yes, sure, he was very stupid to trust her later on, but foolishness is not the worst crime.

Yes, of course it is about the child now, but I doubt his financial contribution would be a life changer for the child, or even a changer at all. If the OP is to be believed, it will not be used for a "bus fare to the HV" (sweet thought) but on a night out and cocktails while an arbitrary stranger looks after the baby. Yes, poor baby, but in no sense down to the biological father.

Legally he will have to contribute to a child that he has no access to, although he may obtain access through the courts. It will then be very hard to enforce if she moves away etc. Morally, on the other hand, I totally get the quid pro quo of access for money. It is totally immoral to use a man as a sperm bank and then a source of free funds.

AMigratingCoconutsPersonalBest · 10/08/2012 16:10

Line, that is most likely true.

But op stated clearly in her opening post that she was here for a vent. So i wouldn't expect her to take much advise on board.

Just as, I suppose, I would expect some posters to be here simply for a bit of a bun fight.. I sippose it is AIBU and not relationships after all!!

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 10/08/2012 16:11

He didn't have to have sex with her. He didn't have to have unprotected sex with her.

To say he was 'tricked' by an 'evil' woman is to infantilise the man and turn a narrative into a fairy story.

hackmum · 10/08/2012 16:11

Well, he may be a law student but he lacks a bit of common sense:-)

Also, if he's a law student, he really ought to be able to find out his legal situation pretty quickly, surely?

I agree the SiL sounds ghastly. But in a way, that's not really the issue. It's his child and he ought to pay his share. He also ought to have access. I'm sure the courts would agree, on both counts.

larrygrylls · 10/08/2012 16:14

Line,

He was tricked. I don't think that is deniable, unless you are questioning the honesty of the OP. I guess "evil" is a matter of opinion, maybe a little strong, but certainly immoral in most people's sense of the word.

Two exs have sex and they agree to use contraception. One of them then deceives the other one and does not use it. There is nothing infantile about someone trusting their ex, even if the sex is a one off. And as for "turning a narrative into a fairy story", that is one of those sentences that has a nice ring but is ultimately meaningless.

FermezLaBouche · 10/08/2012 16:17

He was "tricked?" I find this comment fairly outrageous, to be honest. How much simpler could it be? If you fuck a woman without a condom, she might get pregnant.