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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have this opinion of SIL.

274 replies

Justme23 · 10/08/2012 11:41

Probably a terrible whiny thread actually but I need a vent.

The back story is that since I have known SIL2 she has wanted to get pregnant.

Her ex left her because she stopped her contraception without telling him (which in my opinion is abhorrent). He was always very vocal that he wasn't ready for a baby and neither was she, because of their age and situation. (SIL being 19 and VERY immature and him being 21 and studying furiously for a law degree, both living at respective maternal homes). He was broken up when he found out she was lying and took it very hard, poor kid.

Anyway she finally conceived after a string of one night stands and an on off thing with her ex. She told another guy that the baby was his for the last six months of her pg but when baby was born it was clear that her ex is the father.

She told him (via text) and he rang her to ask what she wanted from him. She said nothing at all (very dramatic scene, telling him he can't go anywhere near the baby, she is a "strong" woman, blah blah.

And typically after 14 months she's realising it's not as easy as she thought it was, mainly down to her doting mummy refusing to sponsor her anymore after she threw a tantrum and smashed up her room. (over a broken phone no less)

She is the epitome of a Jeremy Kyle brat. Out every weekend, no job, sees less of her child than I do mine and I have a full time 12 hours a day job!

So she rings her ex, who is doing brilliantly at his degree and job, has got a lovely girlfriend and money etc, and demands money from him.

He said no... That if she will allow him some time to meet the baby and get to know her then he will provide for THE CHILD.

And I agree with him..? So does DP.

Is it that unreasonable?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 10/08/2012 13:12

Sooo, he knew she wanted to get pregnant and wasn't using contraception, yet still had unprotected sex with her. She get's pregnant, he realised it was his DC, but has made no effort to establish this or offer any financial support? And now we're to feel sorry for him?

Financial support and access are two different things. It's never 'pay per view' for children.

The idea that he should just buy 'things' and not give money sounds rather controlling, are you sure there's not more to this story than meets the eye?

Tell your SIL to go to the CSA - her being a bit of a brat is no excuse for him to avoid his responsibilties to his child, if it's established via a DNA test that it is his child. Why shouldnt he pay for the financial support of his child? And

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 13:15

Really.

So you think a man should have to hand over a substantial amount of his income to someone just because that person decided they wanted to be a single parent and then realised its not all peaches and cream.

They had discussed the MAP before sex btw. That was the agreement because of the condom situation.

Just to add, this guy isn't being a bastard here. He does want a relationship with the child but to reiterate once more, he REFUSES to hand over MONEY to SIL. He will buy clothes/formula/toys galore.

Knowing her the way I do, I would be loath to hand over anything also.

OP posts:
bogeyface · 10/08/2012 13:17

I think that yes he should support the child but I can see why he doesnt want to just hand over cash to a feckless woman who wouldnt use it to provide the best for the child.

I am sure that on reflection he will see that his initial reaction of "only if I see the child" was wrong, if only because he is in law and knows it doesnt work like that. Having said that, he should have been more careful with regards to condoms, and he cant complain now. The MAP has quite a high failure rate (my eldest is an MAP baby!)

tbh they sound a right pair of charmers!

TheDreadedFoosa · 10/08/2012 13:18

They discussed MAP before sex? Really?? So it wasnt a heat of the moment thing then Hmm

They both sound utterly feckless.

I have sympathy only for the child.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 13:19

So you think a man should have to hand over a substantial amount of his income to someone just because that person decided they wanted to be a single parent and then realised its not all peaches and cream

Yes

As soon as he fucked her without wearing a condom and realised he'd helped to create a baby.

It takes much more than "clothes/formula/toys galore" to raise a child by the way.

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 13:21

And to clarify, SIL refuses to go to CSA.

SIL refuses to accept clothes/toys/food.

SIL wants cash.

Ex has said he wants to see child as much as he can.

SIL refuses. But yet leaves child with whoever is available at whatever time she wants to go out.

Yes there possibly is venom on my part. SIL is vile, as is the other one.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/08/2012 13:21

"So you think a man should have to hand over a substantial amount of his income to someone just because that person decided they wanted to be a single parent and then realised its not all peaches and cream. "

It´s not about her, it´s about the child.

Contraception can fail-if he wanted to be really sure-he should have used a condom.

bogeyface · 10/08/2012 13:22

Why wont she go to the CSA if she wants cash? Is it because she is worried that he isnt the father and will need to be tested?

If she wants a fat wodge of cash the CSA is the best way to go. This smells funny to me......

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 13:23

Yes worraliberty I am aware of that, seeing as DP has temp custody of the other SILs 8 yo and this baby spends more time at its grandmothers and ours than it does with it's own mother.

She does not bring this child up. Everyone else does.

She does not pay for this child, everyone else does.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 13:25

You sound as wonderful as she does OP

Christmas dinner must be a blast!

DNA

CSA

Court for access

That's about it really

jollyrancher · 10/08/2012 13:25

The thing is though, if you choose to have sex with an unreliable brat, your life is going to end up being somewhat derailed. Thats what happens. This is not something which has just befallen him. They split up because she stopped contraception without telling him but a) he did have sex with her and whatever contraception you use, pregnancy is always a possibility and b) he continued to have an on/off 'thing' with her despite knowing that she is a liar who wanted to get pregnant. Sometimes the choices you make lead to consequences that you don't like and he needs to accept that having unprotected sex with a woman who he doesn't like and has already lied to him about contraception was not a good choice but non the less, he is responsible of the consequences.

AMigratingCoconutsPersonalBest · 10/08/2012 13:25

I can see your point of view, op...I really can. She sounds awful!

But, the moment he had sex with her he took the risk of there being a pregnancy and he is has to take responsibility.

I think he should go see a solicitor in an attempt to formalise the situation as much as he can. He needs to pay, he cannot control exactly how she spends this money and he needs to find out what his rights to access are

oldraver · 10/08/2012 13:29

He can refuse all he likes, but if CSA get involved he WILL have to hand over 15% of his income and he DOES NOT get a say in how its spent HE doesn't get to control where the money goes or pick and choose what he deigns to pay for for.

He sounds very controlling and the sooner he faces up to the fact he cant control her through money the better

starfishmummy · 10/08/2012 13:31

As she is claiming benefits I am surprised that the csare not involved - unless of course she has told them that she doesn't know who the father is.

sue52 · 10/08/2012 13:31

A man is quite capable of using conraception too. A visit to the csa now is in order.

oldraver · 10/08/2012 13:32

Yes the SIL does sound twat but so does the father

PropertyNightmare · 10/08/2012 13:47

The man is at fault for getting the foolish woman pregnant. He should accept his stupidity is as great as hers and pay up as soon as a DNA test has confirmed paternity.

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 10/08/2012 13:56

They had discussed the MAP before sex btw. That was the agreement because of the condom situation.

He sounds awful.

And even more awful for sharing every last detail of this tawdry story with you.

lastnerve · 10/08/2012 14:00

Unless you have been raised in a cave or in an insular cult with no access to basic health education, everyone knows that no form of contraception is 100% , so therefore every single sexual encounter you have has a risk of pregnancy.

If you are not capable of dealing with pregnancy in a rational way you are not mature enough to be having sex.

littlemoominmamma · 10/08/2012 14:03

You all sound delightful!

On a more serious note this girl is very young and her inability to bond with her baby and the outbursts sound worryingly like PND.

Why dont you have a talk to her about going to see her GP (if you can do it in a non-judgemental way).

redexpat · 10/08/2012 14:07

So I read another thread today where the guy told the OP that he was wearing a condom and wasnt, and everyone went for him all guns blazing. So here the OPs SIL does something very similar, and the guy still is the bad guy?

It's a very unfortunate situation, that's for sure. I think the best thing for everyone involved is to go to court and let a neutral 3rd party decide everything. Poor child stuck in the middle of this mess.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 14:10

redexpat I don't think the two are comparable really because this guy slept with the OP's SIL after finding out she'd been lying about using contraception.

Yet he still didn't wear a condom...knowing full well she'd tried to 'trick him' into getting her pregnant before.

NarkedRaspberry · 10/08/2012 14:14

He knew she wanted a child and had lied about using contraception in the past.

He still chose to have unprotected sex with her.

He chose to ejaculate in her vagina.

He's financially responsible for the consequences of that action.

jollyrancher · 10/08/2012 14:15

I don't think anyone is condoning the SIL lying about contraception.

They are both the 'bad guy' but for different reasons.

Her for lying about contraception and paternity , refusing access and general twatishness.

Him for linking access and payment, refusing to pay and for being controlling and thinking not wanting to be responsible is the same as not being responsible.

I'm sure if a woman posted saying that her 14 month old baby's father refused to pay anything but said he would buy formula/toys/nappies instead although non of these things were forthcoming then lots of people would say he was an arse. They would have a good point I think, regardless of how the child was conceived.

Paiviaso · 10/08/2012 14:19

I think YANBU, but you are going a bit too easy on the ex boyfriend I think. He chose to have unprotected sex with a girl who he knew very well was a bit nuts and wanted to conceive. He then became a father, yet did not seek to be part of his child's life (not saying that it would have been an easy task, but it does show a lack of character).

SIL sounds like a nightmare, and it's really unfortunate that the ex boyfriend succeeded in making her a mother. What an awful situation for the child.