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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have this opinion of SIL.

274 replies

Justme23 · 10/08/2012 11:41

Probably a terrible whiny thread actually but I need a vent.

The back story is that since I have known SIL2 she has wanted to get pregnant.

Her ex left her because she stopped her contraception without telling him (which in my opinion is abhorrent). He was always very vocal that he wasn't ready for a baby and neither was she, because of their age and situation. (SIL being 19 and VERY immature and him being 21 and studying furiously for a law degree, both living at respective maternal homes). He was broken up when he found out she was lying and took it very hard, poor kid.

Anyway she finally conceived after a string of one night stands and an on off thing with her ex. She told another guy that the baby was his for the last six months of her pg but when baby was born it was clear that her ex is the father.

She told him (via text) and he rang her to ask what she wanted from him. She said nothing at all (very dramatic scene, telling him he can't go anywhere near the baby, she is a "strong" woman, blah blah.

And typically after 14 months she's realising it's not as easy as she thought it was, mainly down to her doting mummy refusing to sponsor her anymore after she threw a tantrum and smashed up her room. (over a broken phone no less)

She is the epitome of a Jeremy Kyle brat. Out every weekend, no job, sees less of her child than I do mine and I have a full time 12 hours a day job!

So she rings her ex, who is doing brilliantly at his degree and job, has got a lovely girlfriend and money etc, and demands money from him.

He said no... That if she will allow him some time to meet the baby and get to know her then he will provide for THE CHILD.

And I agree with him..? So does DP.

Is it that unreasonable?

OP posts:
Devora · 10/08/2012 15:22

I agree with everyone else. She sounds hideous. But that doesn't remove his legal and moral responsibility to contribute toward his child's upkeep. Buying her 'things' is no substitute: most of the costs of raising children are not nappies or clothes, but rent, heat, light, childcare, lost earnings...

Her father may be supporting her for now, but in the longer term who will be paying for this child? Because it's sounding to me like it might be us, the taxpayers. And that is one good moral reason why he needs to step up.

Of course it's unfair that she trapped him into parenthood. It's unfair that women get dumped and abandoned by men who have made them pregnant. (Funnily, people always seem to get more outraged by the former - I guess women being sacrificed for parenthood just seems too normal). But now it is about the child.

ShirleyKnot · 10/08/2012 15:23

If he is the father of the child he has to pay. I'm not that bothered about the ins and the outs of it really, the reality is that there is a child and he needs to pay towards the life of that child.

The End.

CommaChameleon · 10/08/2012 15:24

The MAP should not be relied upon as the or main form of contraception and the only form of contraception a man can know is being used is a condom or a vasectomy. Anything else and he has to take his partners word for it, which in most cases is good enough but clearly not here when she has already deceived him on this matter.

If this man has chosen to have unprotected sex with the ex who had already tried to trick him into parenthood and has taken her word for it that she would use the MAP, then he is not only stupid but irresponsible as well. The risk of pregnancy was not the only risk either of them took, especially if she is having unprotected sex with other men or he is with other women. The pair of them, and any other partners either of them have been having sex with without using condoms, need to get themselves checked out for STI's as well.

Hecate is completely right, your SIL was very wrong to do what she has done but he must share the responsibility now as he left the onus for contraception on a woman he knew he could not trust and completely disregarded the possibility of STI's when he took part in the discussion about using the MAP as sole contraception.

ShirleyKnot · 10/08/2012 15:25

Oh and the stuff about the CSA - it's not as if child maintenance is deducted from benefits so I'm not sure why she's not going down that route. If it were her posting on here rather than you, I would definitely be advising her to give the CSA a try. [still waiting for a payment 1 year on face]

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 15:25

Worra she thinks I love her, despite having her forcibly removed from my house after assaulting her niece

Then show her this thread and put her straight if you can't bring yourself to tell her to her face.

Either way, I think you'll be doing her, her baby and her baby's father a great service if you butt out of their lives and find something else to concentrate on.

Your own life maybe?

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 10/08/2012 15:27

The girl is 22 so the same age as me. I fail to see how her behaviour is anyone elses fault. Other people are supporting the baby because she can't be arsed. The dad should be paying yes, but she could easil go to the csa. I think her motives are quite clear.

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 15:27

I've known this man for a long time, I admire him in so many ways. He has come from what can only be described as horrific circumstances as a child, he fought hard for what he has, he is fantastic at his job (he is not a lawyer btw) which I will not put on here for obvious reasons.

He has overcome so much in his short years and this is something totally unfair from a girl who has always had everything handed to her on a plate.

If any of you actually saw what this has done in a short few months you would choke on your words. He isn't controlling in the slightest, his biggest mistake was trusting a girl who he did everything for.

If he was a woman most of the posts on here would be very different.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 15:29

Oh do stop simpering about him

He's fucked the woman without a condom...knowing she's tried to get pregnant by him before without his knowledge.

I'd get my violin out but it's so tiny, I can't actually find it.

jollyrancher · 10/08/2012 15:30

" his biggest mistake was trusting a girl who he did everything for. "

But it is his mistake. He made it. He can't undo it, he needs to deal with it. Some mistakes have bigger consequences than others. Its just too bad. Its awful, but there it is.

ShirleyKnot · 10/08/2012 15:31

"If he was a woman most of the posts on here would be very different."

eh? How would that work then?

FermezLaBouche · 10/08/2012 15:31

Thing is, Justme, you're blinded to the cold hard facts. She might be absolutely vile and he might be a saint but when a man has sex with a woman without a condom/vasectomy, there is a possibility of pregnancy.
It's a big mistake on his part and yes, he probably is a lovely chap, but it's an action that has life-long consequences.
You create a child - you pay for it. Regardless of circumstances.

NotaDisneyMum · 10/08/2012 15:33

If any of you actually saw what this has done in a short few months you would choke on your words.

What has he done?

You say he found out he had a child when his DD was 6 months old - yet 6 months later, he asked you to act as a go-between to pass on a token gift for her. Yes, I am choking - with disbelief that you expect anyone to acknowledge that as the best he could do.

If you want to support him - find out what his legal rights & responsibilities are, and encourage him to fulfil them, not play the victim and let his DD down so badly Sad

phlebas · 10/08/2012 15:33

he's an absolute idiot for having sex with a woman who he knew was trying to trick Hmm him into fathering a child. More than that he didn't use a condom Shock what a prat. He had no right to attempt to coerce her into either taking the MAP or terminate the resulting pregnancy. He failed to prevent himself fathering the child & he has an absolute moral duty to contribute towards the child's upbringing.

Tough shit basically - he has brought this mess upon himself.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 15:34

Are you sure you're the SIL and not this bloke's girlfriend?

It might explain why you're so very adamant that he's in the right here

HecateHarshPants · 10/08/2012 15:34

God knows, shirley. It would be a medical miracle though Wink

Look. For the gazillionth time - this woman sounds dreadful and what she did was shocking and inexcusable but he had a responsibility to not be a bloody fool and, at the end of the day, there is a child here, now, who needs a roof over their head and food in their mouth. Who is responsible for that?

a) mother
b) mother and father
c) mother and grandfather
d) mother and state
e) state

answers on a postcard please or via our website thisshouldbefuckingobvious.com

phlebas · 10/08/2012 15:35

He's fucked the woman without a condom...knowing she's tried to get pregnant by him before without his knowledge.

I'd get my violin out but it's so tiny, I can't actually find it.

^^ or this!

Honestly what an absolute fuckwit. I don't have an ounce of sympathy for him - this is a situation of his own making.

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 15:35

Worraliberty no answer will escape your sniping will it.

How on earth is posting on a website for opinions not concentrating on my life. I have literally NOTHING better to do right now. I have been sat in an unfamiliar office for 8 hours now, waiting for a meeting to start :@. Its this, revising case notes that I happen to have with me and Internet shopping.

Everything else in my life is relatively ho hum and non disastrous. But I'm sure if I did post something else you would be be right there sniping along. If it bothers you that much concentrate on YOUR life...

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 10/08/2012 15:36

I bloody love you Hec.

CommaChameleon · 10/08/2012 15:36

He cannot claim to have been tricked into parenthood when he took no responsibility for preventing a pregnancy.

If she has lied to him then that was wrong, but it's too late to shout "not fair" when he could have taken his share of responsibility for using contraception and not taken the risk.

One thing I will agree with you on OP, this whole story does sound like it came straight from Jeremy Kyle.

ShirleyKnot · 10/08/2012 15:37

x posted.

Oh, this shit is about to get interesting.

FermezLaBouche · 10/08/2012 15:38

Are you sure you're the SIL and not this bloke's girlfriend?
I'd considered this as well.

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 15:38

I know he was a fool, I've told him he is a fool for it, but none of us knew until the other father debacle.

He's paying for it now.
There is a lot more I would like to say, but can't.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 15:39

Well it would make a lot more sense Fermez

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 10/08/2012 15:40

I don't think you should be acting as a 'mediator'. You are fair too involved and emotionally partisan. You cannot even see that this should be about what's best for the child.

Your level of detailed knowledge about a sexual encounter between two other people suggests you have discussed this with the Man You Admire to a degree that could be perceived as quite obsessive. But that's just my view.

Original poster
Justme23 · 10/08/2012 15:41

Oh god no.

But life would be much simpler if I were her. I would also be a size 6. :)

OP posts: