I hate my mother in law

[bubalou]

Hate is a strong word. This is a vent - apologies for length.

If I never saw my mother in law again would I care - not at all.

My DH is golden boy - at 36 he is still the apple of her eye and his 39 year old sister is oh so aware of this (poor her).

I don't want to ramble too much but she is just a horrible person. His dad is nice but I don't know how she managed to raise such a nice, well rounded man like my DH - that however is the only compliment she will get from me.

She has never liked me. I don't know why - I think I'm nice. I'm a good wife - we have been married over 5 years now & our DS just turned 4 & he is her only grandchild. I have never cheated, never broken up with him even, never done anything wrong. I think I'm a great mum - I didn't work for 2 years so I could dedicate my time to DS, Now he is older I work 36 hours a week, look after him, my husband and run the family home. Lots of love to all my fellow working mums - my god it's hard!!!!

Bottom line. She is horrible. Any excuse to have a dig at me. I work Mondays - Thursdays. My DS goes to nursery Mon, Wed, Thurs. She has him at my house on a Tuesday. Don't get me wrong I appreciate it - but it is a nightmare! I have to see her every week!

She does sooooo many things to annoy me on purpose. I found out about 9 months ago when they had taken DS out for a meal they let him have a whole glass of coke. 'But it was diet' they said. I went mental and told them under no circumstances was he to have coke. The next week they took him out and he came back and told me he had lemonade!!!! I asked her if he was joking - she looked at me, smiled & said 'well you said no coke'. This is just 1% of the shit I have to put up with.

This isn't me being size-ist - she is fat. Not 'I'm trying to lose weight fat' but - I eat what I wan't don't care and hate everybody that is smaller than me fat. His sister is fat and DH was too as a child due to what she fed him - he resents her for this as he now lives a very healthy lifestyle.

She is always trying to feed my son crap!!! They don't bring him round 1 chocolate bar a week - they will bring 3 big bags of smarties, jelly babies etc, a cake from gregs and feed him what he wants. I have to lay out all his food and give her times to give it to him or she just feeds him crisps. She has even put the healthy snacks in the bin before and I found them. I came home one day to find his lunch still in the fridge - when I asked her why she said 'he just wanted crisps'!!!! WTF!!!!!

I have heard her say horrible things about me - in my own house, she is rude to my family and has openly slagged off my mum (not being biased but she is wonderful) My husbands nan (his dads mum) died a few months back, another person who hated my MIL. My FIL got a little drunk at the wake - as some people do when dealing with grief and when I drove him home he said to me 'I don't care what horrible things 'MIL' says about your mum and dad, I think they're lovely'!!!

I can't talk to DH about this because after all the years as soon as I mention his mum he knows it will be bad. Thank god my DS starts school in 1 month and I won't have to see her every week but she will still be having him over half terms etc.

I have tried dealing with her but don't know how to handle things without hurting DH feelings.

Sorry for the REALLY long message - honestly I could moan about this woman for hours on the things she does!

OMG mrsjay - is it the woman taking the son away thing?

yes it is this was a very long time ago and she died 10 years ago and we did make up and became friends but it was a struggle and a lot of arguments

Thank you booksinbed

I have learnt my lesson about posting on AIBU boards on my 2nd day.

I didn't realise forums could be such a minefield. Thicker skin needed.

One of the tactics i saw up thread was to fight the big stuff and let little go - i found that did work for me for a while - in fact think how annoying it wd be for her to see you not repsond to her digs - no fun for her !!!just makes her look bad .

Op, i feel for you having a difficult relationship with your mil. I have a difficult relationship with mine. From what you have posted i dont think hate is suitable. She hasnt done anything to warrant you hating her.
She has different ways, views and opinions but she hasnt done anything (apart from badmouthing your parents) that to me is not within a grand parents remit.
If you said she was nasty to your ds or had tried to split up you and your dh these are things that move a feelng from dislike to hatred imo.
She's difficult, you need to manage her. Thats how i deal with my own mil.

i dont have thick skin im a big softy - you dont have to change -if it helps i got upset about something i posted when i needed support when i was new and i struggled.this was under a different name as i felt had to change it afterwards .after a while i felt better and have had wonderful support from mumsnnet bout stuff.Infact-- unless posters have changed name- then you get support from people and start to recognise the name .eg trebles has been a wonderful support to me !!take what you want from replies -what works for you,sometimes things resonate xxxx love books ps eg up post someone has said you dont deserve some of these responses.

My mum once said to me about my MIL "Its not you she hates, its your husbands wife" and I know what she means. She would have hated whoever he married. It helps knowing that whatever I did I couldnt have got it right, I just couldnt have. We have no contact at all with his family now for other reasons, but knowing that there was nothing I could do change the situation did help take the pressure of the situation. That said, my H supported me over her and his sisters when they were bitching at me. It sounds like your DH needs to grow and pair and tell his mother a few home truths!

ooh, weird cut and pastey thing from my phone, sorry about that!

From what you've said it does sound as if she is struggling to cope with a lively four year old, and is covering it up by spoiling him rotten. Maybe it's best all round if he goes to holiday clubs etc instead. You could use the tooth-brushing example to your DH - if she can't even get a 4 year old to brush his teeth and wash his face, how will she cope physically with the bigger stuff? He's only going to get stronger and more energetic, and his (and her!) safety is paramount.

I agree about not sweating the small stuff too. I like my MIL very much, she's a wonderful woman who is loved by everyone. But even she does things that I'm about with my DD. I just let it all slide, except for my no.1 no-no (juice in sippy-cups, undiluted or not) which I'm very firm about. I know PIL's think I'm over-reacting about that, but it's really my only rule so I hope they can respect it. They would never give a young child carbonated drinks though, I trust them implicitly.

Bonsoir your post is really helpful. Emotionally at arms length as you'll never please your mil - that's exactly the position im in. Thank you, good advice

Good luck.

It sounds like you are middle class whilst your MIL is not. Tbh, it's always going to be a clash as MIL won't be able to appreciate why you have certain standards etc. It's a tough one and there is not really much you can do other than limit the contact that your child has with her in so far as you possibly can.

I want to hug my mil now!

Op maybe your son is really demanding and your mil doesn't have the heart or energy to argue?

Property I don't think it is only middle class people who think crisps for lunch is a bit .
In fact wasting perfectly edible food like the MIL has done (by throwing away healthy treats) is distinctly non-working class! My working class family would be amazed if someone threw food out and spent money on the crappy alternative.
Agree with you MIL is never going to see eye to eye with OP though.

That's right, the problem all comes down to the fact you're middle class

Despite being quite laid back with the sweets part for one day a week I would go ballistic if anyone gave coke/anything fizzy to my 4 yr old. In any event I think you are going to have to play bad cop in order to protect your child. She is either just bloody lazy or is trying to win your sons affection by feeding him. I would sit down with her and your DH and praise up the fact that she is happy to have him and enjoys spending time with him - that is a lovely thing. But you would like her to respect the food 'standards' you AND DH have and whilst you are happy for him to have the odd treat when he is with her - NO fizzy drinks and a decent (define decent) lunch. Both my DM and MIL do the same thing - however, my kids are old enough to say 'no thanks' and ask for something different. It's a 'war time' thing .

OP, you have my sympathy. I say that as a doting mother of 4, including 3 sons. Your mil sounds utterly lazy and disrespectful and some posters sre being deliberately obtuse. If I said to someone "I don't want him to have Coke", I would not expect to have to add "nor lemonade, fanta, Irn Bru, cooking sherry or bleach". I'd expect a modicum of common sense or I wouldn't leave my child there.

In my case, one son is already married, and another one is about to be, and I intend to be the best mother-in-law I can be. Primarily, this is for my sons' sakes - why would I want to make their lives difficult? But also, I trust their judgement; they've chosen their partners and it's up to me - as the older and (ahem) wiser woman - to make things easy.

So far, it's working. My determined efforts to get to know my daughter-in-law, to learn what she's like, and what she needs from me, have paid off. We now have a relationship which is not based purely on her being my son's wife - I like her, and I respect her. (Actually, I love her - I've just realised that.)

I look after their little boy regularly, and I've never challenged their way of doing things - ok, for the most part we agree on things like feeding and so on, but when I see them do things I wouldn't do, I just think "he's their baby, and everything they do, they do out of love" and adapt to suit.

You're in an awkward situation if your husband won't take your side, but as other posters have said, perhaps now is the time to start reducing her contact. You don't want a situation where your son is having to keep schtum about what happens at his granny's.

I don't get this whole "grannies like to spoil their grandchildren" thing, when usually it means sweets and fizzy drinks. Why can't they "spoil" them with little outings, extra stories, games, and cuddles? It's the undivided attention which means most to children, surely? Not a stomach full of sugar?

My mil is like this, she never gets my children unsupervised. If you can't follow the rules, you can't be trusted. ( some very serious safety stuff with her)

You can't complain if you allow her to do it. You just say no.

Its all about control, she is challenging you and if you don't like it show her who is boss! Who cares if she likes you. Your sons life will be so busy now and he will be so tired you only have to suffer her for a couple of hours a week at most.

I don't get this whole "grannies like to spoil their grandchildren" thing, when usually it means sweets and fizzy drinks. Why can't they "spoil" them with little outings, extra stories, games, and cuddles? It's the undivided attention which means most to children, surely? Not a stomach full of sugar?

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

While I agree with so much of your post, babyboomers, I am not so sure about If I said to someone "I don't want him to have Coke", I would not expect to have to add "nor lemonade, fanta, Irn Bru, cooking sherry or bleach". I'd expect a modicum of common sense or I wouldn't leave my child there.

It's common sense to you; common sense to me, but I have no doubt there are some people who would intrepret it as Coke being too chemical whereas lemonade is fruity and natural.

I absolutely agree with bubalou. I look after my dgc two afternoons a week and I feel mum's rules have to be my rules. My did and I discuss what is OK. The boys are 3&5 now and the only fizzy drink they have is apple juice made with half sparkling water. Coke is just wrong-lemonade maybe slightly less so . For treats we bake biscuits or little buns.
What can you do? Write a list of what is and is not acceptable, and give it to your mil-spell it out in writing.

"She is just so full of hate"

She's not the only one, though, is she?

I know exactly what you mean OP. My ex MIL was extremely controlling and took absolute delight in going against everything I felt strongly about for DD and I am not a fussy mum at all. I could go on all evening sharing bizarre examples of things she did but just one example was when DD was 3 she went to her Nana's for the day and returned with all her long hair cut short. DD hadn't asked her Nana to do it she had just decided it would look nice, without even talking to me about it! This went on and on and only escalated when I split up with my then DP. Fortunately, a year or so later my new DP helped me to put a stop to it by being very firm and putting down clear boundaries. That was 5 years ago and things have improved greatly. I know it is more difficult for you because she is your MIL but I would say put your foot down. You do have to stand up to people like this otherwise they just continue to walk all over you. Easier said than done though, I know!

OP, i understand your frustration, my ex mother in law and sister in law were ike this, they refused to believe that sweets and fizzy juices were bad for my son, they sent him wild, 20 years ago the effects on kids through additives werent as wildly known and they would take great pleasure in feeding him everything that i had said not to, he would come back to me hyped up and just totally wild, i am sad to say that one day, when my husband was going up to his mums i slipped him a bag of opal fruits and told him to eat them at grannys, when i wandered up 4 hours later she was frazzled and complained about how he had been uncontrollable, i pointed out thats how she usually sent him back to me to deal with, not my finest hour but i'd had enough. I stopped my kids from being around her when i wasnt there, i just couldnt trust her. She put rice in my 2 month old daughters bottle to help settle her, i should mention that my daughter was a month premature and only about 10lbs at this point....i should have just divorced my husband at that point!!! So YANBU, keep it to supervised visits only!!!

OP YANBU

She should respect your parenting the way she probably expected others to respect hers 36 years ago.

She sounds horrible, beginning to think my MIL isn't all that bad for ignoring her granddaughter!

Hi I seriously dislike my mother in law, she introduced me to my husband the first time and now she hates me, she wanted me to convert a month after meeting my husband I grew up a Hindu all my life I couldn't just change everything I knew over night. Two months after dating she convinced us to get engage now he was my first boyfriend I felt everything was happening so fast. He lived abroad but travelled back and forth in this time she called me a devil for being a Hindu and disrespected my parents my fiance at the time was fed up of her ruining his relationship so he came back to my country she said she was sorry. Then she put wedding date three different times but never came through. So my parents said look it's a year since we get engaged let's put a date so she asked for him to return to his country to help prepare the place for when we got married so he went back. A month till wedding she said there will be no wedding if I don't convert my mother cursed her out she was tired see this strange woman come in to my life and take it over. My fiance convinced his mother to come even though I didn't convert. She didn't contribute to the wedding but she told us expect 70 people on her side ...boldface. the day for the wedding she never came nor did the 70 ppl come she lied she didn't invite anyone. My husband married me without her being there, after which she saw me and threw oil on me saying let the devil out while she was drunk.
Now we live abroad on our own she tries to make him feel sorry for her saying she always wanted me as daughter in law I know she is up to something I'm so fed up I'm ready to leave and go back home, it's only three months into our marriage