I hate my mother in law

[bubalou]

Hate is a strong word. This is a vent - apologies for length.

If I never saw my mother in law again would I care - not at all.

My DH is golden boy - at 36 he is still the apple of her eye and his 39 year old sister is oh so aware of this (poor her).

I don't want to ramble too much but she is just a horrible person. His dad is nice but I don't know how she managed to raise such a nice, well rounded man like my DH - that however is the only compliment she will get from me.

She has never liked me. I don't know why - I think I'm nice. I'm a good wife - we have been married over 5 years now & our DS just turned 4 & he is her only grandchild. I have never cheated, never broken up with him even, never done anything wrong. I think I'm a great mum - I didn't work for 2 years so I could dedicate my time to DS, Now he is older I work 36 hours a week, look after him, my husband and run the family home. Lots of love to all my fellow working mums - my god it's hard!!!!

Bottom line. She is horrible. Any excuse to have a dig at me. I work Mondays - Thursdays. My DS goes to nursery Mon, Wed, Thurs. She has him at my house on a Tuesday. Don't get me wrong I appreciate it - but it is a nightmare! I have to see her every week!

She does sooooo many things to annoy me on purpose. I found out about 9 months ago when they had taken DS out for a meal they let him have a whole glass of coke. 'But it was diet' they said. I went mental and told them under no circumstances was he to have coke. The next week they took him out and he came back and told me he had lemonade!!!! I asked her if he was joking - she looked at me, smiled & said 'well you said no coke'. This is just 1% of the shit I have to put up with.

This isn't me being size-ist - she is fat. Not 'I'm trying to lose weight fat' but - I eat what I wan't don't care and hate everybody that is smaller than me fat. His sister is fat and DH was too as a child due to what she fed him - he resents her for this as he now lives a very healthy lifestyle.

She is always trying to feed my son crap!!! They don't bring him round 1 chocolate bar a week - they will bring 3 big bags of smarties, jelly babies etc, a cake from gregs and feed him what he wants. I have to lay out all his food and give her times to give it to him or she just feeds him crisps. She has even put the healthy snacks in the bin before and I found them. I came home one day to find his lunch still in the fridge - when I asked her why she said 'he just wanted crisps'!!!! WTF!!!!!

I have heard her say horrible things about me - in my own house, she is rude to my family and has openly slagged off my mum (not being biased but she is wonderful) My husbands nan (his dads mum) died a few months back, another person who hated my MIL. My FIL got a little drunk at the wake - as some people do when dealing with grief and when I drove him home he said to me 'I don't care what horrible things 'MIL' says about your mum and dad, I think they're lovely'!!!

I can't talk to DH about this because after all the years as soon as I mention his mum he knows it will be bad. Thank god my DS starts school in 1 month and I won't have to see her every week but she will still be having him over half terms etc.

I have tried dealing with her but don't know how to handle things without hurting DH feelings.

Sorry for the REALLY long message - honestly I could moan about this woman for hours on the things she does!

lol @ WorraLiberty I can't tell who is joking. x

Your MIL comes across as a rather weak, petulant woman who has never educated herself about how to eat well. This is a real shame for your DH and his sister and I can see why you don't want patterns to be repeated with your DS.

You however are coming over as being a bit oversensitive and hyper-critical of your MIL.

I pity your DH caught in the middle. It sounds like he is in exactly the same position as his father has been for years - trapped between a mother and a wife who are fighting it out between themselves. No wonder he doesn't have the skills to resolve the problem.

MrsJay will sneak kids a treat now and then - the MIL is feeding him nothing but, all day long, and leaving his pre-prepared lunch uneaten in favour of 'treats'. That is not the same as an occasional indulgence.

Thank you Beamae and JennerOSity

She only has him 5 more times until he starts school now so I was hoping to hold out but worried about the ongoing school holiday issue with her then asking to see him.

I agree this is a good place to draw the line, us the reason of school clubs etc.

Thank you all for your help. x

Sounds like my ex-fiancee's mother (one of the reasons he's an EX). Horrible old cow that she was.

No advice on how to deal with it other than grow a thick skin, and if possible make sure she no longer looks after your DS.

You forbid her to give him coke, so she followed your instruction and gave him lemonade instead.
She deliberately didn't read your mind to find out that you meant lemonade as well as coke.
That's terrible - not using her powers of telepathy. A woman like that shouldn't be allowed access to children. You should definitely leave the bitch.

@ piprabbit I know it sounds that way.

I am fully aware of how I sound and I hate it. I don't tell my husband 3/4 of the issues I have with her as I don't want him to feel in the middle.

I think that's why I need to vent. Because I bottle up as much as I can to try and keep everything calm.

Everybody has focused on this fizzy thing which isn't the big issue - but a MIL that purposefully either ignores or just doesn't bother to listen to what I ask her to do - which is all for his benefit. Another example -

If she arrives when he is still eating breakfast I have to tell DS to go and clean his teeth as soon as he has finished bcoz on more than 1 occasion I have come home in the afternoon from work & I can tell he has breakfast round his mouth! when I ask if he has had a wash and brushed his teeth he says no. I asked 'why'. She says - he didn't want to.

I have had to tell her that this is not good enough but it kept happening so I now get up extra early to make sure he has eaten, washed and done his teeth b4 she arrives as she cant follow simple instructions!

Sallyingforth I can't understand the difference between coke & lemonade?

If she had given him Tango - and I said I don't want him drinking Tango and the next week she gave him Fanta would that be my fault too???

This is your husband's problem though. You need to be a united front and it is up to him to defend you, stand up for you and negotiate rules about childcare. I suspect you wouldn't have issues with her spoiling your child if she wasn't so mean to you.

I am not going to focus on the fizzy drink, She isnt going to change she may mellow but I think her watching him is giving her some power over you if she really doesnt like you, as you say he is going to school soon so i wouldnt have her watch him and put him in childcare the days you work, FWIW i would sometimes pick dd1 up from MIL and she wouldnt be dressed at 2 pm in the afternoon they had watched videos all day try and let some of it go

She's fat and obviously not into healthy eating, but is that enough reason to hate someone? This will obviously get easier when your DS is at school.

Baemae - it's not the spoiling. The spoiling I don't mind.

I don't mind if they take him out and he has McDonalds for lunch, ice cream, sweets - whatever. It's a treat. He doesn't eat that way every day and they know I don't care about that.

It's when she ignores me. I have told my mum and dad not to give him fizzy and they don't. Simple.

I don't hate her bcoz she is fat!!!

Oh my god. I'm no size 6! It's like she wants everyone else around her to be that way.

Her husband tries to diet and does really well - she refuses to cook dinner and orders pizza so he turns up after a hard days work and there is pizza for dinner. They have 3 dogs - all fat. They don't give them 1-2 treats a day. They give them 15!

See what I mean?

If he's due to start school find him a childminder/ after school club and say he is going 4 nights a week. And you don't need her to look after him.

When a relative looks after a child particularly a GP there is often an element of spoiling. It is part of the relationship.

When Grandparents are used as childcare this becomes more of an issue. As it's not just an occasional thing.

My DM and DMIL looked after DS1 when I went back to work and I set ground rules but learnt to live with minor deviations! The are not a nursery or a childminder who have to do what you say. Sometimes the stuff they did bugged me but I like them and they like me. So I don't have underlying issues , which makes the going against me easier to accept.

I love that my PIL's spoil my kids they love it! In fact my MIL is coming down shortly to take them out and take them to buy a book.

But if she if genuinely being a bitch then YANBU to dislike her. But if she bugs you that much shouldn't use her for childcare. (I know you don't want to - so end the arrangement) but your DC deserves a relationship with her so he'll have to see her some other time.

P.s mine don't have fizzy drinks

Sorry I took so long to type I x-posted.

The fact that I am slim and my MIL was obese certainly did not endear me to her. I also used to go bananas when the DCs were fed two chocolate éclairs and coke at tea time by the PILs. All you can do in the end is withdraw emotionally and withdraw access to the DCs.

i would use the opportunity of him starting school to break her looking after him.

your dh can take him to see her on weekends but i wouldn't let her look after him during the week.

during half terms, use holiday clubs or childminder.

fizzy drinks - i agree with you. i don't let my 6 yo have them, let alone the 3 or 1 yo. personal choice. carbonated drink is not good for you.

your dh can't say no to his mum so you will have to be the bad guy. you are already so no change there. you can't win her approval no matter what you do. stop trying to get it and you'll find life a whole lot easier.

good luck.

op - ok i too hate my mil - she undermind me for yeas - set me up and game played - when i had enought she got told off by me - i admit it after years i lost my temper at bit.she threatned to kill her self my dh was in peices with fear - shes still her it was sheer control freak stuff - i dont see her - i dont play games .there is a history of personility issues.feel for you - i know how you feel big time !!!!

!rant all you like to me !!!!!im here -!!!

my mil interupted our wedding ffs!!!!attention seeking or what !!!!!!!!!and she wispered to me you have really got him now havnt you!!!

If someone gave my 2 year old a coke/lemonade/fanta/any other inappriopate beverage i would go absolutely bonkers
I you told her to not feed him coke then its pretty bloody obvious a lemonade wont be acceptable either, doesnt take a genius?

She sounds hideous! You nees to start sticking up for yourself. She doesnt like you anyway so whats there to lose? Shes the only one with something to lose - time with her grandson.
If shes purposely feeding him unhealthy food when healthy food is provided then shes obviously an idiot!
Speak up for yourself! Your Dh needs to back you up to.

My son has serious allergies and my mother will sneak him things. I explained time and time again how dangerous this is but, eventually had to stop going there as my childs safety was at risk.
I know my situation is slightly different but, if your wishes can not be respected then she does not deserve the honour of caring for your son!

I agree, draw a line with school - book him into before/after school care. If you can use a childminder, that would help as they should be able to cover the school holidays - I would be looking for school holiday cover now, get it sorted so you can say "Oh, I've already had to pay X a retainer and she wouldn't have him for just 3 days a week so I've got to pay for the 4 anyway."

You need to stop relying on her, so that you can enforce your rules. If your parent/your PIL don't want to look after your DC the way you want, you can't make htem, but you can withdraw your DC from them, then they have to decide what's more important, 'winning' over you or seeing their DGC. If they pick 'winning' then they aren't a positive influence in your DC's life so I'd have no problem limiting DCs time with them.

Oh god - booksinbed - maybe they should be friends!

Mine too made a scene at my wedding - not an interruption though! Christ!

You poor thing. People think I'm just being picky about a fizzy drink, I can assure you that's not the case.

She wasn't very nice when we 1st got together, when we got engaged she was about the same, horrible leading up to the wedding, I was pregnant 5 months later & she was nice (ish). DS was born and I got a bit of a break for about 6-9 months. Now as DS is getting older she is getting worse again!

Like I have fulfilled my purpose and she is done with me.

Time to press the reset button on your relationship with your MIL.
Don't sweat the small stuff, like comments on hair etc. Just let it float in one ear and out of the other. BUT: do be firm on the big stuff. Polite, but very clear on whatever it is important she does or doesn't do with your DS (only the important things, though). That does mean you have to be prepared to call her on it, in front of DH and FIL if necessary, and stick to your guns calmly whatever mockery and snidery (is that a word?) you get back.
I would just stop the childcare if it is simply a source of conflict and a means to undermine you.

Thing is, if she does tend to 'feed up' others then this could become an issue when she has DS. A treat or two is one thing, but if every visit turns into a junk binge, that's a problem, even once a week.

stop trying to get it and you'll find life a whole lot easier.

this is sound advice, you know you love your husband you know you are doing a good job and are a good person you dont need her approval, when i let it go with my Mil it became so much easier,

oh my Mil once called my mum a bad mother as she allowed her daughter to have sex unmarried and i was a slag

OMG mrsjay - is it the woman taking the son away thing?

Everybody jokes about him being golden balls and In can't make any jokes about him or she snaps at me, even if he's laughing.

Weird!

dont you worry i do understand!!!!- a so called" little" thing such as re a drink isnt the real issue is it??? - it not just a drink its the control or the point scoring and the game she may be playingin my experience !!!

also dont worry if you feel some folk dont understand- we all bring or experiences and our views to mumsnet- some will agree ,some disagree or have the lovely situation of not understanding what it may feel like to be undermined like she is may be trying to do with you!!!.

eg i read one post saying that would you be as mad with another relative if they gave yr child a fizzy drink?? - well - if ive got this right - you MAY not be -but this may be due to the fact that that would be a simple mistake on that OTHER persons part as opposed which you could let go rather than an act of controll or malice which is a differnt thing indeed.in this way i understand that a drink is not just a drink its what is behind it so to speak !!!!RANT ALL YOU LIKE BEEN THERE AND GOT THE BLOOD PRESSURE XXXXX