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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my mother in law

155 replies

bubalou · 09/08/2012 10:08

Hate is a strong word. This is a vent - apologies for length.

If I never saw my mother in law again would I care - not at all.

My DH is golden boy - at 36 he is still the apple of her eye and his 39 year old sister is oh so aware of this (poor her).

I don't want to ramble too much but she is just a horrible person. His dad is nice but I don't know how she managed to raise such a nice, well rounded man like my DH - that however is the only compliment she will get from me.

She has never liked me. I don't know why - I think I'm nice. Sad I'm a good wife - we have been married over 5 years now & our DS just turned 4 & he is her only grandchild. I have never cheated, never broken up with him even, never done anything wrong. I think I'm a great mum - I didn't work for 2 years so I could dedicate my time to DS, Now he is older I work 36 hours a week, look after him, my husband and run the family home. Lots of love to all my fellow working mums - my god it's hard!!!!

Bottom line. She is horrible. Any excuse to have a dig at me. I work Mondays - Thursdays. My DS goes to nursery Mon, Wed, Thurs. She has him at my house on a Tuesday. Don't get me wrong I appreciate it - but it is a nightmare! I have to see her every week!

She does sooooo many things to annoy me on purpose. I found out about 9 months ago when they had taken DS out for a meal they let him have a whole glass of coke. 'But it was diet' they said. I went mental and told them under no circumstances was he to have coke. The next week they took him out and he came back and told me he had lemonade!!!! I asked her if he was joking - she looked at me, smiled & said 'well you said no coke'. This is just 1% of the shit I have to put up with.

This isn't me being size-ist - she is fat. Not 'I'm trying to lose weight fat' but - I eat what I wan't don't care and hate everybody that is smaller than me fat. His sister is fat and DH was too as a child due to what she fed him - he resents her for this as he now lives a very healthy lifestyle.

She is always trying to feed my son crap!!! They don't bring him round 1 chocolate bar a week - they will bring 3 big bags of smarties, jelly babies etc, a cake from gregs and feed him what he wants. I have to lay out all his food and give her times to give it to him or she just feeds him crisps. She has even put the healthy snacks in the bin before and I found them. I came home one day to find his lunch still in the fridge - when I asked her why she said 'he just wanted crisps'!!!! WTF!!!!!

I have heard her say horrible things about me - in my own house, she is rude to my family and has openly slagged off my mum (not being biased but she is wonderful) My husbands nan (his dads mum) died a few months back, another person who hated my MIL. My FIL got a little drunk at the wake - as some people do when dealing with grief and when I drove him home he said to me 'I don't care what horrible things 'MIL' says about your mum and dad, I think they're lovely'!!!

I can't talk to DH about this because after all the years as soon as I mention his mum he knows it will be bad. Thank god my DS starts school in 1 month and I won't have to see her every week but she will still be having him over half terms etc.

I have tried dealing with her but don't know how to handle things without hurting DH feelings.

Sorry for the REALLY long message - honestly I could moan about this woman for hours on the things she does!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/08/2012 11:00

Puds, she told her not to give him coke. Lemonade is not coke is it?

puds11 · 09/08/2012 11:05

No, but that is an incredibly childish manner in which to behave.

puds11 · 09/08/2012 11:05

I think any normal person would draw the conclusion that if coke is a no no, then surely lemonade is too.

Original poster
bubalou · 09/08/2012 11:06

squeakytoy are you joking?

If you want to give your young children fizzy drinks - that is up to you. YOU are their mum. I couldn't care less to be honest. I care about my child.

The fact that fizzy is OK to give to a 3 year old is your opinion. NOT MINE!

I do not want my son drinking it. That is the case. If you are a vegetarian and so was your DC I wouldn't feed them meat! If I was looking after a child and their mother said no sweets - I wouldn't give them sweets!

Thank you Bonsoir I suspect this might be the case.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/08/2012 11:07

No not at all. If she had said "do not give him fizzy drinks" then that would be easy to understand. I know plenty of kids who are not allowed coke but are allowed most other sodas.

squeakytoy · 09/08/2012 11:08

"If you want to give your young children fizzy drinks - that is up to you. YOU are their mum. I couldn't care less to be honest. I care about my child"

get a bloody grip... it is lemonade, not paraquat topped with arsenic... it will not harm your child to have a fizzy drink..

puds11 · 09/08/2012 11:08

Really? Whats the difference from one fizzy pop to the other?
Are you saying if some asked you not to give their child coke, you would still think it was ok to give them lemonade?

cocolepew · 09/08/2012 11:08

The lemonade thing was done to wind the op up. Either you challenge her, probably leading to rows, or don't bite when she is trying to wind you up.

Original poster
bubalou · 09/08/2012 11:10

I give up.

Trust me I made it very clear to her after.

He is not allowed any fizzy drinks, coffee, tea, Vodka or any other alcohol, Red Bull, Lucozade or energy drinks.

Clear enough?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/08/2012 11:10

So.
Tell her it's not working, that your son prefers nursery, whatever.

Put him in nursery 4 days a week and have him see gps when you want him to.

Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:13

hi i am sorry to hear about your MIL- i dont think many woman like their MIL- although mine doesnt seem to be as outwardly snipy as yours, if I never saw my mother in law again would I care? - not at all.

Original poster
bubalou · 09/08/2012 11:14

Oh for god sake.

I am not a hippy dippy mum who only feeds her child organic home grown vegan meals!

I have tried not to make it so that 'fizzy drinks' are this big thing that he wants all the time.

He never used to have an issue. If I was drinking an orange juice and lemonade I would let him have a sip - not making a big deal out of it. He would always just say thank you and go back to his drink - never interested in fizzy.

Now if he sees anybody with fizzy all he does is ask for it!

My DS even told me himself that he 'had coke at nanny's house, but it was a secret' - AFTER we had the discussion about him not drinking any fizzy drinks.

This has become all about fizzy and how I am a bad person for not wanting my little boy to drink it!?!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/08/2012 11:16

A glass of lemonade once a week?

Call the fizz and have her arrested Grin

Original poster
bubalou · 09/08/2012 11:17

Thank you - puds11 and cocolopew it wasn't even what she did it's how she does it.

Kizza2 - thank god, i thought it was just me. x

OP posts:
puds11 · 09/08/2012 11:17

OP dont get wound up. People always pick up on the unimportant example and make it the focus of the thread.

autumnmum · 09/08/2012 11:17

I'm going to play devil's advocate here...

Have you considered that your MIL might be regretting offering to look after your child? I don't mean because your child is a nightmare, but because she is finding it too much like hard work. As you say she is over weight, has bad knees etc so is going to find keeping up with a 4 y.o exhausting. I have met other grand parents at toddler groups/school gate who have admitted that it is way harder than they remember but don't feel like they can now turn round and say they don't want to do it anymore. Your MIL might be feeding your child because she is too knackered to do anything else with him.

I'd use starting school as a reason to change the status quo. Find someone else to look after your child for the first half term and then over the Xmas hols (play schemes or a friend who understands your situation). That gives you a clear 3 months and your MIL might get used to the idea. Your MIL won't lose face and you'll get what you want without appearing to be a DIL from hell. Good Luck!

AThingInYourLife · 09/08/2012 11:18

I would not like my DDs to drink coke because of the caffeine, but I don't mind them having lemonade.

Actually, I prefer DD2 not have fizzy drinks as she's only 2, but she hates them. As did DD1 at that age.

Original poster
bubalou · 09/08/2012 11:18

Thanks WorraLiberty - clearly not the point.

I didn't know so many mums on here don't care if the people looking after their children completely ignore everything they tell them.

I was just giving a few examples of the things she does. The fizzy issue was 1 of them.

OP posts:
puds11 · 09/08/2012 11:19

Dont bite op

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2012 11:20

Ahh lighten up

I'm just trying to inject a touch of much needed humour here Grin

Call the 'fizz' = fuzz (as in police?...geddit?)

Original poster
bubalou · 09/08/2012 11:20

puds11 - thanks, just my 2nd day on here. I'm probably just being too sensitive.

Smile
OP posts:
Mrsjay · 09/08/2012 11:20

\OK she doesnt hate you she hates her son doesnt fawn about after her you said he is her blue eyed boy she is jealous of you she doesnt hate you that is her problem not yours, if you hate her so much dont let her look after your son just dont pay for childcare for him , my Mil was like yours she wasnt nasty just didnt know how to cope with other women loving her precious sons, she was worse with my sil, you either challenge her behaviour or you ignore it , and lemonade for a 4 yr old isnt poison , always feel grandparents can get a raw deal over babysitting grandchildren, You have to realise that sometimes granparents will sneak kids a treat now and then

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2012 11:21

So.
Tell her it's not working, that your son prefers nursery, whatever.

Put him in nursery 4 days a week and have him see gps when you want him to.

Beamae · 09/08/2012 11:21

Oh good grief. This isn't about the coke and the lemonade. That one situation is indicative of the bigger problem. The OP has used that one example to show how she is constantly undermined and disrespected.

JennerOSity · 09/08/2012 11:21

She does sound bad to me. I would be just as furious if my reasonable wishes were deliberately ignored time and time again. Who leaves a perfectly edible lunch in the fridge and just uses crisps! Hmm

The only solution is for her not to have care of him - as someone said the sooner he goes to school and visits without you around are only rare occurrences, the better.

I think you are getting some un-called for flak on your thread - what Puds11 said.