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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose ME for nine months over my children?

283 replies

Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:18

I have three children varying in age from two to seven. I have been a SAHM for the last four years. Before that I had quite a good career and although I really enjoyed my time with the children, I really started to miss working. I then got offered a really good and interesting contract for nine months.

I decided to take it and I am really enjoying the work. However, the children are really finding it difficult to adjust with me working full time and it is really starting to show in their behaviour. It is breaking my heart to see them suffering but I really, really enjoy being back at work.

Am I be unreasonable to let them suffer and choose ME for nine months and just enjoy the work and ignore the price my children are paying for this? It is only temporary after all?

OP posts:
Velmadaphne · 08/08/2012 22:36

I honestly don't think I could be happy in a job if it was making my kids miserable.

MorrisZapp · 08/08/2012 22:36

TPL - genius :)

ChitchatAtHome · 08/08/2012 22:36

Squeaky -what a fab idea, let me just look up the local boarding schools! Hmm

Seriously, why the hell should everyone have to give up EVERYTHING for their DC???!!!

Honestly, the martyrs on this board......

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:36

yes exactly chandellina. I wrote a post which vanished, if my DC had exactly what they want, DH would be at the train track and lego while I'd be dressed as Batman/Buzz Lightyear/Minnie Mouse with my norks out. All day every day. But usually we weigh up their exact demands with what's reasonable.

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 22:36

This wasn't meant to turn in to a sahm vs wohm thread but I guess it was inevitable. It was meant to be about feeling guilty about returning to work and my children struggling and me questioning my choices and motives.

OP posts:
LJ29 · 08/08/2012 22:37

And don't be ashamed that its about your personal happiness. You have every right to a life and your children have a right to a loving caring mother but they don't have the right to dictate your every move just because they don't like change.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 22:38

mrsj yep me too, ranting and raving like a loon. It's bloody depressing.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:38

oh and I'd be baking too. With an endless supply of eggs needing cracking and bowls needing licking out.

StuntGirl · 08/08/2012 22:39

worra your question to me was about a million pages back but I've only just got back to the thread, apologies.

Yes, even though she feels her children are suffering. The key words are feels and suffering. She 'feels' they are suffering because she feels guilty at doing something for herself and honestly, I suspect an emotive word like 'suffering' was the wrong word in this context. I think it's more likely her children are simply adjusting to a new situation. She hasn't abandoned them, she's not neglecting them or leaving them in unsafe situations. They will be ok.

cardibach · 08/08/2012 22:39

DAncer I specifically asked about a career someone enjoyed and had trained for. WHy would they want to retrain?
Again, I agree with Stealth. Neither SAHM or WOHM are 'better', and the issues of working are not just women's issues. I do think most of the criticism I have seen of SAHM has come on threads where they have first suggested that WOHM are less of a mother/selfish/neglectful, though. WOHM are still mums and if you criticise their mothering you have to expect a whole load of shit to fall on you from a great height!

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 22:41

I think you drip fed massively but that won't stop the uppity bunch getting all defensive and dragging up posts that were made on the Opening Post alone.

Mumsnet, you've gotta love it Grin

Stay tuned for "My DH loves playing golf everyday, the children are actually suffering but he says he loves it so much he's going to do it for 9 months anyway".

All together now.....

"Leave the bastard!" Grin

Disclaimer

This joke post is based purely on what was said during the opening post only.....

ChaoticismyLife · 08/08/2012 22:41

Misogyny and sexism is alive and well Hmm

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 22:43

StuntGirl I see what you mean.

I took the OP at her word with the 'suffering' bit because I assumed she meant it.

Velmadaphne · 08/08/2012 22:47

OP I think you have to look very carefully at your family and make your own decision. All children are different, and only you can know what effect this is having on them at the moment. My DS2 moans a bit but is basically fine. DS1 is not, and I truly believe he is being damaged by my absence. It's breaking my heart.

StuntGirl · 08/08/2012 22:48

Fair enough worra.

LJ29 · 08/08/2012 22:52

I do think its important that children understand the reasons why you work and I don't mean justifying yourself, just reassuring them that you aren't abandoning them and explaining the benefits of work not just to you but to society in general.

FWIW my mum was a SAHM and even when she returned to work when i was 16 I was still taken aback on the 1st day I can home from school to find that she wasn't there! But you get used to it and i understood why she was doing it and didn't take it personally (although I might have to admit to being a bit mardy about it!)

Mrsjay · 08/08/2012 22:55

i went to college when my dds were younger they were furious with me DD1 especially if i had course work to do It was really sad that my 8 yr old at the time thought it was all about her

Mrsjay · 08/08/2012 22:56

The Op did reply to me about the word suffering she did say it was maybe the wrong word to use,

MrsPenrysJones · 08/08/2012 22:59

FFS you are entitled to a life you know.
Just because you have children does not mean you have have to stay at home watching milkshake.
I envy you so go and do it and remember that men never worry about stuff like this so why should you?

chandellina · 08/08/2012 23:00

I think children mainly get upset about it if there is a change to what they're used to. If you never know differently there isn't much reason to question your parents working.

Aboutlastnight · 08/08/2012 23:01

Getting away from the tedious bun fight...

Op I returned to work after being at home with my three and they are the same age as yours. I did it cos we needed the money (mummy martyr points there, eh)

I found the adjustment took months. I think you will see SN improvement once they are in a familiar routine, I think it will all be fine, actually but you have to understand from their point of view this is a massive change.

Also children are very much ' in the moment' they won't want you to go to work, but will be fine once you are gone.

Glad you enjoy your job.

MrsPenrysJones · 08/08/2012 23:01

Lj29, did you take it personally when you got home and your dad was not there too?

Aboutlastnight · 08/08/2012 23:11

And a nice thing about working is that the children look on dad as a carer too as he has had to take on a greater role in childcare. It's good to model this to my girls- that men can care for children just as well as women-I quite like the way things work now.

When I was a SAHM I often felt left to get on with everything and it was pretty tough going. Now DP is so much more involved.

mellen · 08/08/2012 23:12

"Am I be unreasonable to let them suffer and choose ME for nine months and just enjoy the work and ignore the price my children are paying for this? It is only temporary after all?"

If you think that is what you are doing then YABU. There are other ways of looking at it though.

stealthsquiggle · 08/08/2012 23:29

I agree with the other Stealth.

If I had taken 5 (or even 2) years off then I would be completely unemployable. Why should I have to retrain and start from the beginning in another career when I had spent 12 pre-DC years getting to a decent level in the one I chose?

I find the attitudes of some posters on here deeply shocking, but maybe that is because I live largely in the world of people who do actually have careers rather than 'jobs'

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