To choose ME for nine months over my children?

[Inconceivable]

I have three children varying in age from two to seven. I have been a SAHM for the last four years. Before that I had quite a good career and although I really enjoyed my time with the children, I really started to miss working. I then got offered a really good and interesting contract for nine months.

I decided to take it and I am really enjoying the work. However, the children are really finding it difficult to adjust with me working full time and it is really starting to show in their behaviour. It is breaking my heart to see them suffering but I really, really enjoy being back at work.

Am I be unreasonable to let them suffer and choose ME for nine months and just enjoy the work and ignore the price my children are paying for this? It is only temporary after all?

To look at it from OP's side - I think that as it's the summer holidays; then the children's routine isn't going to be 'normal' now anyway - so they have more time to miss having their mother around.
If you don't actually need the money but enjoy the job; then spend money on activities & clubs that the children can attend, that they will enjoy & that will keep them busy during the summer holiday while you are at work.
Once they are back at school / pre-school then it won't be so hard for them.

Personally - If i had children; & had a choice to work or not; - then i would probably choose to work on a very part-time basis eg. 2 days a week - i do like working & would miss it; & they would only be left for a short period each week.

If i had no choice but to work full time then i would have to do it but i'd feel unhappy about it - to be honest i would hate to leave young children to work full time; especially toddlers - 2 really is very young still. I know several women in that situation & they aren't that happy basically.

I think that OP should think again about her contract; maybe try to get part time work if it's available while her youngest child is still so tiny. But it is a personal choice; no-one should judge & only she can decide what's best.

I do see the point of view of women with careers.
Part of the reason i chose nursing was because i knew that it could fit around having a family (the nursing worked out but not the 'having a family' part just yet - for various reasons.)

As a Registered Staff Nurse - i can work part time (a variety of shifts are available), still earn 'ok' money & stay at my current level (I've never wanted a promotion).
But if i stopped work altogether for a certain length of time then i'd be at risk of losing my Registration. I'd then have to pay for an expensive & long 'Return to Nursing' University course, & complete it before i could earn any money.
That would not benefit me or any children i'd have - but working part time would maintain my Registration & self-esteem, allow me to mix with fellow adults to stay sane for a couple of shifts a week; & still spend the majority of the time with the children.

Maybe better word to use here is - struggling, instead of suffering?

OP, please don't listen to the misguided idiots who believe that a mother should SAH if she can, even if it makes her unhappy and unfulfilled. They might feel very virtuous in their martyrdom right now, but their kids sure as hell won't benefit. I wish my mum had gone out to work, as she was bored, isolated and unfulfilled at home and I grew up constantly feeling the burden of the sacrifices that she had made, the regrets that she carried and the depression that ensued. She believed she was doing the right thing for us, but we'd all have been happier if she'd been happier herself. She realised this much later, and always encouraged DSis and I to maintain our own careers. And as mother of a bright and talented daughter, I feel that it is incumbent on me to model ways in which a woman can combine family life happily and effectively with a career, how we can prioritise our own wants and needs without neglecting those of the people we love.

It's tough that your kids are finding it difficult to adjust, but I think you need to change your mindset. Learning to deal with change effectively is one of the most important lessons that your kids will ever have to learn. Here is a real life opportunity to give them strategies for coping with change, adapting to it and even embracing it. This can be a positive experience for all of you, if you choose to make it so.

Just to clarify, my comments do not apply to those who SAH because they want to. I do think there are benefits to having one parent SAH, especially in the pre-school years. However, if that parent is unhappy at home, I believe that the benefits are cancelled out and the kids would actually be better off if both parents worked.

Yanbu. I have four kids, eldest is seven. I have always struggled with being at home full time, I love my kids to pieces but when I got my job last year, part time, I finally felt like my life was more balanced, I was contributing to the household funds, loved the responsibility of work and achievement I felt AND got time with the kids that wasnt overshadowed by feeling frustrated and depressed.

I am about to start college in august and whilst the main reason is so I can have a career not just a job and hopefully end up earning enough income to give the kids more opportunities as they grow up, it's also because I need it. Being a full time mum doesn't work for me.

Haha, in August. I keep forgetting it is August! Curse of nearly six weeks of summer holidays.

stealth I agree with every single one of your posts in here, and tantrums too.

You have both made some very valid points esp about fathers' roles here. Why are they never questioned about choosing their career over staying at home? Why so many people assume it's a given that the mother will stay at home?

YANBU, OP.
Work if you enjoy it.

There are some really helpful posts here, so thank you.

Just to clarify, part time working isn't an option with this role - I did ask! A while back I briefly did work part time but it didn't work for me. I my line of work, the juicy jobs aren't really available part time and I actually really couldn't justify to myelf not being with my children for a job I didn't enjoy.

Jinsei - I can relate to that. My mum was a SAHM because she believed it was the 'right' thing to do (and in fairness this was 60/70s when me and my brother were small, so much less in the way of proper childcare around then.) Even when we were older she only took on a very part time job which fitted around school, which basically meant she was very under-employed as she was a bright, capable woman who ended up in a very mundane job. She was one of the early cohort to do an OU degree which was great, but I do think she exaggerated in her mind this 'need' to be at home so much. I wish she'd had more of a career. It would also have meant our dad would have had to step up and be more hands on, rather than the very traditional figure- earning the money but leaving everything to do with house and kids to mum.

Context is important though- fewer mums worked anyway then, and there were no day nurseries or regulated care like now, so I can understand now many mums would have going themselves at home by default and then struggled to ever get into a decent job. Thank goodness we've progresses since then and it's the expectation that women have As many career options as men, and that there are extended maternity rights etc

Oops excuse the typos !

Good post Jinsei, the same was true of my mother.

I work and always have done. My teens are proud of me and can't understand why their friends' mothers don't work.

The wringing of hands over children not being inconvenienced in any way amazes me. My teens when they were little were expected to get on with it.

There is nothing wrong with short term suffering for long term gain. You are not going to succeed in life unless you can cope with serious hard work and some suffering.

OP keep going unless there are major problems with your DCs. Children make a fuss but you need to be firm and stick to your guns. They are being selfish because that is what children are naturally. It is your job to think ahead and do what is right for the long term.

Some of the opinions on here piss me right off. I returned to work when ds was 6 months. As dh worked evenings he had dh until I got home then he went to work. At 9 months (dh needed to more hours) he went to nursery 3 days a week.
So, shock horror, dh still had ds 2 days a week.
Dh is just as capable as me, if not more so. Its wrong to say women are better at being a sahm, or should have the monopoly on it.
I went back up work because I LOVED MY JOB. Not more than my kids, but I loved it. I loved it before, just like I was blonde before, wore make up before ds was born.
some people think their choices make them superior. I hate when wohm mums talk down to sahms and hate it when sahms think they are superior.
Its so sad that women can't just be supportive of other mothers. And also so sad that some seem convinced that a father is second best.

Op, I say go for it. You can work and resolve these issues and enjoy it.
Don't let anyone tell you, that you can't. Is it hard work, yes. So as hard as being a sahm, imo (having done both) but having kids doesn't mean that you must ignore yourself until they are 18.
To the poster who said working is similar to going to a spa, grow up.

I showed this thread to my DH and he was horrified at some of the attitudes on here, and the idea that mums are somehow 'better' at caring for children. He said its insulting, and that hes very glad our own children don't have some weird misguided view that he's the only adult in the family able to have a career and pay the bill, while I'm the only adult capable of changing nappies, doing the laundry or slapping on a sticking plaster!

Says it all really.

janey my dh feels exactly the same. He is horrified some people think like this.
We split for 6 months a few years ago. So many women thought it was disgusting of me to let dh have dd 50% of the time.

As an aside, ds (17 months) isn't well today and is asking for is 'da da'.
I now work from home, ds still wants his daddy, even though I know he adores me. How shamefull of our family that ds loves and wants his dad as much as his mum.

Some people on this thread seem to ne saying it is ok to be a WOHM as long as you don't enjoy your job! (in ok then, I hate mine!). If you actually like your job, then you are being selfish and should stay at home with your kids

Jinsei How true is your post? I could have written that about my mother. She was of the era where women didn't work after that first baby. She used to be a teacher, 25 years at home and she was so out of the loop she was only fit for the supermarket checkout, which she loved because it put her back out there with people again.

Very very intelligent woman; fair enough there was no financial necessity for her to work, but she was bored out of her box at home. Looking back I can see she did suffer great swathes of depression from time to time.

I'll be slated for this but I don't see how anyone can be content to potter round a house all day. Career break is one thing, but do it for a life time? I think I would have died a slow and agonising death on the cooking sherry!

I have to say that before I came on MN I had never heard anyone questioning anyone else's decision to be either a SAHM or a WOHM.

I was very much under the impression that work is just one of those things that the vast majority of the world's population do, and that you just sort out good childcare and get on with it.

I do agree with Stealth about career breaks. There are many professions where there is no way that you could get away with several years out of the market. I have only had 2 batches of maternity leave with some part-time work in between and I have already accepted that I am no longer on track for where I wanted to get to in my career. I've just had an interview for a job that is very much about bringing money in, not advancing my career in any way. I might be able to get back on track after both kids are in school - or I might not. It's just one of those things that you accept when you have children, but I think people have to be realistic about it.

Oh I haven't joined in one of these threads for ages but as I inch to within a couple of weeks of returning to work after 3 years off to have 2 DC I am becoming increasingly drawn to them.

OP of course you should return to work if that is what you want to do - your kids will be fine and adding to their understanding of the roles women can play in society can only help them.

FWIW I adore my long waited for children but would hate to be a SAHM. I'm rubbish at it - too lazy. At least at nursery my kids will have a variety of good food every day and lots of activities to keep them amused. On the other hand I don't want to return to work because I've got used to getting up at 9am every day and watching re-runs of Buffy every afternoon. I have to return to work as I am the main bread-winner. Even if we were loaded and I didn't have to go back to work (and perhaps DP stopped working too) then I'd want to put the kids into nursery at least 3 days a week - so I could drink cocktails and read books.

I love mumsnet me. On a similar thread op is getting a pasting for wanting her partner to work and her to stay at home for being a sexist! You just can't win.

But women who can say they are truly equals with their dh or dp in terms of work, child care and day to day running of the home are in a tiny minority. You only have to look around to see that; how many men do you see doing the school run? Attending sports days, assemblies? Discussing what to make for dinner? Posting on here questions about their dc's friendships? It sure as hell isn't 50%, more like 10%.

I see it with friends who work, even those with professional jobs working 4 or more days are still doing the lions share of running the home.

Equality? I don't think so.