To choose ME for nine months over my children?

[Inconceivable]

I have three children varying in age from two to seven. I have been a SAHM for the last four years. Before that I had quite a good career and although I really enjoyed my time with the children, I really started to miss working. I then got offered a really good and interesting contract for nine months.

I decided to take it and I am really enjoying the work. However, the children are really finding it difficult to adjust with me working full time and it is really starting to show in their behaviour. It is breaking my heart to see them suffering but I really, really enjoy being back at work.

Am I be unreasonable to let them suffer and choose ME for nine months and just enjoy the work and ignore the price my children are paying for this? It is only temporary after all?

icecold interesting observation. As long as you work because you have to, it's fine and the kids will be fine. But how dare you, a mother, enjoy something besides spending time with your DC?

Well in my circle of friends its the norm.
taking mn into consideration, how many people would post 'aibu dh does half of house work, childcare etc'?

Also how is it possible to have equal parenting with people saying 'dads aren't good enough'.
The point is that some mums are better the dads, but also some dads are better than the mum as well.
Everyone is different. The sweeping statement of men aren't as good as women at parenting is ridiculous.

Your DH works away from home yet you are the one feeling guilty?

And people doubt sexism still exists...

I see tons of dads on the school run, actually. Most of them dropping their kids on the way to work, just like I do. But our school may be the exception rather than the norm, as general level of education is very high and there are lots of professional jobs in the local area so few people have long commutes etc, and a high proportion of women have careers rather than jobs.

Same at dds school I would say more men than women do the school run.

Somebody posted that they went back to work post DC for their mental health, and someone else posed the question whether that poster had worked pre-DC for their mental health.

Just from my own experience, it wasn't until I gave up my career to be a SAHM that I actually came to realise how much of my identity, self esteem, and yes, positive state of mental health were tied up in my career. Pre-DC, I just worked away, climbed the ladder, watched my earning potential rise without any thought about how this impacted me mentally and socially (status, confidence, ability to participate and contribute).

I've been a SAHM for 4 years, and my mental health and general confidence has deteriorated massively. Unfortunately, I've screwed my career in the process too. If I had the opportunity the OP has, I would grab hold of it for dear life. For my own mental health, I would do it; because I still count as a human being.

Since when did women working become subject to the same conditions as getting an abortion? - that is, only if it seriously affects your mental health, or physical health, or if your children are going to be begging on the street?

I tell you- we will only see an end to sexism when a woman can make a decision that isn't utter martyrdom without being called SELFISH.

We owe it to our children to demonstrate by our own behaviour that personal fulfillment is an acceptable aspiration. It's something they themselves should be aiming for as they get older. Not at the expense of others suffering of course, but then it looks like your DC are not suffering but adjusting.

YANBU.

By the way, OP, try not to let your DC see your guilt/angst as the older one especially can get alot of mileage out of it. Be matter-of-fact, this-is-how-it-is about it all. I've been SAHM, FT WOHM and several things in between but even as a SAHM I put my DD in activities during the holidays so she could try new things and be sociable. She's so busy she doesn't have time to miss me when I do other things.

The last 3 posts are fantastic.

YY to MardyArsedMidlander.

I was thinking about this in the car (on the way to work, having dropped my DC off at holiday club ) - when was the last time you heard a man preface any comments about his choice of career with "I love my DC but...." ?

I don't have to work - I choose to.

If you disagree with that - go boil your head.

Just because I am a mum doesn't mean that I am no longer me. I don't go out all the time or spend days away from my son - he is my no1 priority.

I HATE the fact that I am damned if I do damned if I don't. I gave up work for the 1st 2 years of his life. When he was 2 - I decided that I 'wanted' to go back to work and that yes -being a mum wasn't enough for me personally.

I enjoy working. I like my job and I won't feel guilty about that. I don't judge mums who want to stay at home with their children - that's their decision and I respect that 100%.

I think that my son gets a much happier mum which is better for him.

Inconceivable It is your decision. x

Glad to see some bloody sense return to this thread!

Agree with danteV about the 3 posts.

Goes to show we are not alone in our thinking

Loving the above posts!!

You have done a wonderful job so far, you can think what about me?

Why does there have to be extreme martyrdom expected from some quarters? I have just gone back to work my lo is 8mo, i dont feel guilty because he has a wonderful cm 3 days a week, in terms of the socialisation and level of activity he gets while with her are way above what i would have given him. He is my no1 priority 7 days a week and i will drop work and go to him if he needs me at any point but I am confident that by me working and the arrangements we have put in place will be the best for all of us.

You have got your children to school (maybe not the last one) being a SAHM mum and they will adjust.

enjoy your contract!!

MRSPENRYJONES, no I didn't take it personally because it was a time when you just expected Dad to be at work and I was far too young to fully appreciate the issue of gender equality. Plus Dad going to work was something I was very used to, the point is that mum going to work was something that I wasn't used to and therefore it was the change that was difficult and not having a working mum per se.

I haven't read all the posts but those who accuse the OP of being selfish or similar for working full time - what decade are you in? I don't imagine too many men are leveled with the same accusation when they work FT.

OP - Its a month in. They are adjusting. It's only a 9 month contract. Go for it and enjoy yourself. You are working full time, not sending your children to work the mines or leaving them to fend for themselves on the M25.

Apologies for not being back to this thread earlier but I was at work! The last page of posts have made me feel a lot better and I agree that it is not a bad example to set that you are allowed some personal fulfillment as well. I have two daughters and I want them to grow up knowing that it is normal for women to work too.

OP its absolutely fine not be a martyr. My mum was and I spotted it very young.
Good luck and enjoy your job and being a mummy, its very possible. I have done it.
I would not change a single thing about my 8 year old at all and I worked from her being 17 months. If some one told me she would be different if I were a sahm, I would say 'no thanks'. She is amazing, well rounded etc. I can't see how me working as hurt her at all.

YY, OP, I wonder how many of us want our daughters growing up thinking that their own needs don't matter and that seeking personal fulfilment is selfish if you're female. I'll bet not many of us want our daughters to live a life of martyrdom. We have to lead by example.

They will adjust. Kids like to make their mums feel guilty.

Even setting aside the sexism and "the children will suffer if a parent isn't caring for them" stuff, the argument that a woman doesn't "need" to work because their partner earns "enough" is weak.

Illness, redundancy, reduction in the number of "mid-level" jobs and welfare, relationship breakdown, increased likelihood of having to relocate or move house for the working partner's job, mental/physical health of both partners.

OP, I think what hasn't helped is that you've used the phrase 'suffer' in your post. It's dramatic and emotive. Most of us on here would, I expect, rather chew our own arms off than see our children suffer.

If they are truly suffering, I think most people would say quit the job. But if they're just having a period of adjustment that will pass, then everyone would say stick at it.

There's a big difference.