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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose ME for nine months over my children?

283 replies

Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:18

I have three children varying in age from two to seven. I have been a SAHM for the last four years. Before that I had quite a good career and although I really enjoyed my time with the children, I really started to miss working. I then got offered a really good and interesting contract for nine months.

I decided to take it and I am really enjoying the work. However, the children are really finding it difficult to adjust with me working full time and it is really starting to show in their behaviour. It is breaking my heart to see them suffering but I really, really enjoy being back at work.

Am I be unreasonable to let them suffer and choose ME for nine months and just enjoy the work and ignore the price my children are paying for this? It is only temporary after all?

OP posts:
Gatorade · 08/08/2012 20:36

Squeaky most working mums I know in RL (which will include me if I decide to go back to work) haven't chosen to be at home with their children even though they could financially afford to. I don't think that you are a better mum just because you chose not to work.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 20:37

I really really like going to work as well.

Doesn't make me a bad parent, it just means I like to go to work and do my job every day.

I recognize that I would be a terrible SAHM. I don't mind admitting it.

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:37

Thanks mrsjay and gatorade. It is nice to hear that maybe it is ok to give my happiness and fulfillment some priority too.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 20:39

"For the last four years it has all been about the children"

Err yes, they are not exactly old enough to sort themselves out, are they? Hmm.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 20:39

Swap the word work for 'health spa' for a minute.

AIBU to go to a health spa every single day because I really really enjoy it, although my children are suffering and it's starting to show in their behaviour.

Still I just enjoy the place so much....

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:40

mrsjay they argue, cry a lot and are clingy. They didn't used be like that when I was at home. Suffering is perhaps a bit strong, English is not my first language so might have used the wrong word there.

OP posts:
Yama · 08/08/2012 20:40

I don't have to work. Neither does my husband.

Will you go back to being a SAHM at the end of this contract or might it lead to more work?

Zipitydooda · 08/08/2012 20:41

It can't be purely because you are working. Is the childcare you have in place the right thing for them? Are their lives chaotic as a result of you working? There's no reason why you working should have such a suffering effect on your children as long as their needs for care, structure, attention etc are being met. Many, many, many parents work full time successfully but you need to ensure good childcare and security (emotional) for your children.

Your children CAN still be your priority whilst working as long as you think of their needs too. I think squeaky toy is very unfair.

NatashaBee · 08/08/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobyan · 08/08/2012 20:41

I'm not aware that health spas have financial benefits to visiting or get harder to enter the longer you stay away?

coppertop · 08/08/2012 20:41

My children argue, cry and can be clingy.

And I'm a SAHM.

On what planet does going out to work equate to going to a health spa?

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:42

Well, I enjoy work but it is also to keep my career a bit up-to-date and keep some earning potential for the future. I don't like the thought of being completely financially dependant on my husband.

OP posts:
wimblehorse · 08/08/2012 20:43

I think it depends what you mean by "suffering". If it's a reaction to the change and you can adresss their behaviour and compensate with time at weekends, big holiday after the 9 months etc then no YANBU.
If you've tried to help them adjust or they are really struggling/going off rails while you ignore it in a happy working glow then YABU.
I think a contract role is a good way of testing water, if at the end it's clear working FT isn't good for your family, you can look for PT opportunities with the benefit of recent workplace experience.
9 months isn't forever, unless things are VERY bad at home, I'd do what I could to minimize the dc's difficulties with it and carry on...

Flosshilde · 08/08/2012 20:44

I love my job and my child. I could be a SAHM but I don't want to be. Nothing wrong with that.

I remember my mum going back to work full time when I was about 7. It took a couple of months to adjust, but we did and I certainly didn't suffer in any way.

skateboarder · 08/08/2012 20:46

Do they have a set routine or are they here, there and everywhere with childcare?
If you are in the UK, the school holidays will perhaps have unsettled them.

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:46

yama it might lead to more work, I am not sure. Am not necessarily going to take them up on it if they offer. I think I can afford to take some time off again after this contract and perhaps take another contract a bit further down the line.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 20:46

Well, I enjoy work but it is also to keep my career a bit up-to-date and keep some earning potential for the future. I don't like the thought of being completely financially dependant on my husband.

Ahhh the drip feed!

Had you said that in your OP instead of "AIBU to choose work because I enjoy it so much even though my kids are suffering"...inferring there is no other reason than your personal enjoyment, some replies might have been different.

NiniLegsInTheAir · 08/08/2012 20:47

Got to ask OP, where is your husband in all this? Can't he take a bit of the slack to compensate?

And for the record - I work FT as we need the money, but even if I didn't HAVE to work, I still would. I'm a better parent for not being around my DD all the time, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:48

skateboarder yes I think summer holidays have not helped. I am in the UK. When they are back in school things might be a bit more structured.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 20:48

On what planet does going out to work equate to going to a health spa?

On a planet where you don't have to work but your own enjoyment comes before the suffering of your children.

Which to be fair, is what the OP was saying before the rather large drip feed....

squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 20:49

I dont think I am being unfair.

Perhaps if the OP had worded her title differently I may feel more sympathetic, but to put your own desires over your very young children, because you WANT to, not because you NEED to, is selfish.

coppertop · 08/08/2012 20:50

I would be wary of attributing too much of the behaviour to you being at work.

The month when you've been at work has included the dreaded end-of-term-itis and the summer holidays.

The age of the children is also significant. My 6yr-old and nearly 2yr-old have been very close since the younger one was born. They're now both at the age where dd2 is old enough to tell dd1 to go away and get into arguments, and dd1 would prefer to get on with things without a 2yr-old getting into all her stuff. She's also not used to being with a toddler all day every day.

The last few weeks have been one argument after another.

And as I said earlier, I'm an SAHM.

twinkletwinkleoldbat · 08/08/2012 20:50

Why on earth should women feel 'selfish' about working? I sometimes feel bad telling my kids to stop bothering me when I'm working in the evenings, but it's not as if a big pile of money's going to just land on the doorstep when they're 18 and want to go to university/drama school or whatever, is it? I doubt the OP is spending all her earnings snorting crack and hiring gigolos (although if she is, who am I to judge?)

BlueCanary · 08/08/2012 20:50

Suffering? Really? I presume they still have food, warmth and a roof over their head. Plus presumably they still have two parents, even if they don't see them both 24/7.

I don't HAVE to work, in that if I didn't work we could just about afford the mortgage on our very small house, with no luxuries/holidays etc. However, I hardly equate it with a health spa ( which I also go to now and again Hmm - is that not allowed?). I wasn't aware that we all had to martyr ourselves Hmm Hmm!

My DD doesn't want to go to playscheme tomorrow. She wants to go over her friends house. I am sure she will survive somehow, and manage to wait til next week to see her friends. I am not sending her down the mine or up the chimney FFS. Get a grip people.

LJ29 · 08/08/2012 20:50

Not every woman is born with a Mary Poppins alter ego. For some women working means that the time that they get to spend with their children is quality time and they don't end up resenting being compelled to stay at home. All children will argue and bicker, i have 3 of similar ages to you OP and its a daily battle to prevent WW3!

You are not being selfish for wanting to use your brain and have intellectual stimulation. Its not like you are leaving them at home chained to their beds is it! They will cope and actually it will benefit them to realise that mum has a life too. Being independent and self suffiicient makes you a good role model.

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