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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose ME for nine months over my children?

283 replies

Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:18

I have three children varying in age from two to seven. I have been a SAHM for the last four years. Before that I had quite a good career and although I really enjoyed my time with the children, I really started to miss working. I then got offered a really good and interesting contract for nine months.

I decided to take it and I am really enjoying the work. However, the children are really finding it difficult to adjust with me working full time and it is really starting to show in their behaviour. It is breaking my heart to see them suffering but I really, really enjoy being back at work.

Am I be unreasonable to let them suffer and choose ME for nine months and just enjoy the work and ignore the price my children are paying for this? It is only temporary after all?

OP posts:
TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 22:22

I would never dream of saying to any SAHP "but why did you decide to stay at home? Why are you not working? Why why why"

But it seems to be ok to ask a WOHM to justify their reasons for working and then pick holes in it.

There's no winning is there? I mean, it's such a personal decision, the way we all choose to raise our children.

I hate threads like this because I start off all self righteous and end up a few pages in thinking, we are all parents. We are all doing our best. We don't all agree with everyones choices but how can we flipping well argue about it?

FWIW I think I'm the best mum I can be. That's good enough for me right now.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:22

Dancer, no I agree with pretty much that whole post. but your prvious post seems to make it clear that it's only women who should worry about this stuff - why is that?

Dancergirl · 08/08/2012 22:22

Yes of course it's not just a few years janey, I was oversimplifying things. I meant its a relatively short time that dc are very small.

TheProvincialLady · 08/08/2012 22:23

I wrote to Tony Blair on this very subject, when he was Prime Minister. Tony, I said, WHY are you selfishly running this country when you could perfectly well afford to live on Cherie's income and stay home with the kids? You'll never get this time back, et frigging cetera. Luckily Gordon agreed with me so Tony resigned. It was the right choice for his famiy.

Velmadaphne · 08/08/2012 22:24

I think it's probably because this is a change over which you have total control and the power to end it. All the other things presumably were out of your hands to a great extent.

Dancergirl · 08/08/2012 22:25

cardibach not necessarily the same career. I know women who have retrained in something new when their children were older and really enjoying it.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:26

lol TPL :o

All still about the women - why??

janey68 · 08/08/2012 22:26

It's interesting how it always seems to be SAHM who are critical of WOHM. The only poster I've seen do it the other way round is Xenia (haven't seen her lately btw)

The vast majority of WOHM aren't threatened by SAHM, they don't criticise them... I couldn't give a toss whether mums stay at home (though i think it's wise for them to think through the implications of stepping out of the world of work from a practical viewpoint). I just wish SAHM could enjoy their choice a bit more without trying to make us feel we're missing out on something or that our children are. We're not missing out; nor are our kids Smile

LJBrownie · 08/08/2012 22:28

Can't remember who mentioned it but I think children do tend to pick up on guilt and know what buttons to press sometimes (not necessarily consciously of course!)... I'm sure there must be circumstances where children are genuinely unhappy due to parents working but I've also observed kids who are clearly pressing buttons because they can and, as someone said earlier, you can't always have everything you want and that doesn't necessarily damage you in fact, it might actually be good for you! I can only talk from my own experience, my children don't mention it or express any sadness about either me or my husband working (so far) and I wonder if that is because it is just viewed in our family as what we do so they don't see it as a matter of debate or comment; it's just a part of life? I guess it may be just luck but I really want my kids to feel that working is a normal and necessary part of life and so it's a good idea to work hard at school etc to try to have broad choices of what you might want to do etc etc because they too will work one day.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:28

As I've said we're in the lucky position where we could manage (just) on either income. We both work full time. Which one of us is selfish? Which of us should be taking this opportunity while our DC are small?

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:30

oh janey you've missed some interesting threads! There are plenty that make it clear that SAHMs are:

a) lazy;
b) workshy;
c) living off a man;
d) not "in the real world";
e) over involved in their children's lives;
f) domestic martyrs or
g) all of the above

PenisVanLesbian · 08/08/2012 22:30

If my children were really that upset about me going to work, I'd be more bothered about why they are insecure and upset by it, rather than quitting my job, or slagging other people for working. Most children adapt perfectly well.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 22:30

stillorsparkling

My 'health spa' comparison was posted before the OP's drip feed

Just sayin' Wink

The Opening post was/is all about her personal enjoyment/amusement at the expense of her children's suffering and behaviour change.

Not a mention of anything she posted subsequently that pointed to things other than her own personal happiness.

So in my opinion, that was no different to enjoying a health spa or anything else at the expense of her children's suffering.

squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 22:30

Tell you what OP, shove them into boarding school and you can be completely shot of them for a few years while you go back to being the career woman. Grin.

McHappyPants2012 · 08/08/2012 22:31

My mum gave up countless jobs because one of her children was playing up.

Right now my sister has turned 16 and my mum is lonley, and not skills and her cv looks awful as no job has lasted 2 months.

FutTheShuckUp · 08/08/2012 22:31

Nice squeakytoy [hmm[

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 22:32

It annoys me that women are seen as somehow 'inferior' if they choose to SAH. This is evidenced above when people say they are almost embarrassed to admit at parties etc they are SAHM. Just because you arent working, it doesn't mean you aren't a person in your own right and not using your brain.

The thing is, the majority of WOHM don't think SAHM are inferior.
It is the people who stay at home that assume everyone thinks this and have to come up with inventive ways to prove that they are doing a much more difficult rewarding job.

I couldn't give a toss if you stay at home or go to work. I don't care if you work in pound land or if you are a QC.
If you are embarrassed to say you are a SAHM, that's your issue.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:32

but squeaky, should the OP's DH shove em in bording school while he plays at being the career man? Why is this about women?
Worra, not often I diagree with you...oooh interesting :o

janey68 · 08/08/2012 22:32

Stealth- I've only ever seen that as defence when WOHM are atttacked. Not that they should need to defend themselves with any of that. It's absolutely fine to just say 'I work, I like working and me and my children are fine'.

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 22:33

I don't think I was drip feeding. It is about my personal happiness.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 08/08/2012 22:34

I hate threads like this because I start off all self righteous and end up a few pages in thinking, we are all parents. We are all doing our best. We don't all agree with everyones choices but how can we flipping well argue about it?

I agree with you totally It depresses me , I start ranting and raving at people

trixymalixy · 08/08/2012 22:34

I'm quite jealous of women who can make being a SAHM work for them and their children. The idea didn't live up to the reality for me.

Mrsjay · 08/08/2012 22:35

I don't think I was drip feeding. It is about my personal happiness.

you didnt drip feed you elaborated and you are entitled to be happy you manage to sort this and your children will be fine ,

chandellina · 08/08/2012 22:35

Well said janey on the process of raising kids and the normalcy of working. I'm sure most children would also love their dad at home every day.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:35

hmm not convinced
I think both are as bad as each other (on MN anyway - in RL no one actually seems to give a stuff what choices other parents make).
I am of course the voice of reason in the middle

Anyway, I ahve an hour's worth of work to do tonight while my precious babies are sleeping. I will be back in 5 minutes while I wait for my work computer to actually do something :o