To choose ME for nine months over my children?

[Inconceivable]

I have three children varying in age from two to seven. I have been a SAHM for the last four years. Before that I had quite a good career and although I really enjoyed my time with the children, I really started to miss working. I then got offered a really good and interesting contract for nine months.

I decided to take it and I am really enjoying the work. However, the children are really finding it difficult to adjust with me working full time and it is really starting to show in their behaviour. It is breaking my heart to see them suffering but I really, really enjoy being back at work.

Am I be unreasonable to let them suffer and choose ME for nine months and just enjoy the work and ignore the price my children are paying for this? It is only temporary after all?

ghostship so it is ok for a child to suffer if money is involved that is ok it is a sacrafice THAT child has to make and be unhappy,

Hang on a minute, all of you.

It's not being a Stepford wife to stay at home with your children. It's not being reactionary to suggest someone puts their children's happiness over their own.

I worked when mine were young - I worked 3 days a week (teaching) and had to as I couldn't afford to live otherwise.

If my children were suffering, though, I would have stopped work, sold the house and done whatever it took.

Don't have children if you're not prepared to put them first.

Completely disagree there Dancer. DS only turns to 'mummy' because I'm the one he spends the most time with. My DH is an equally good parent to me, perhaps more so as DS grows up a bit and becomes more 'boy' and less 'baby'. It is doing everyone a disservice to assume that mothers are by definition better parents than fathers.

OP - swap 'adjusting' for 'suffering' in your OP.
Review your care arrangements - is everything really working as well as it could be?
Take into account it is the holidays, and a weird time of year for us all.
At the end of the 9 months, re-assess. Maybe your FT working is too much for your family dynamics, in which case do something else once your contract comes to an end. Or maybe by that time your kids will have settled. Or maybe you'll see an opportunity to work p/t. None of this is permanent - but the loss of your career might be.

my needs and wants still matter even now I ahve children. I am still a person in my own right. My reasons for working in the sort of role I do have varied through the years but they are fundamentally the same as when I started, and they matter to me. Not everyone would be a SAHM given the chance.

Its fine to choose work over being a SAHM. Even if you don't have to. Even if your children would prefer otherwise.
And even if some stupid fuck randoms on the internet think such a thing is shocking and terrible.

I see the mummy martyrs are out in force tonight.

YANBU, OP. In a few years time when you are happy and fulfilled, and able to afford the things your DCs want, they might be a lot happier than if you had stayed home, lost your career and made yourself unfulfilled and unhappy.

Hang on op, what do you mean by "suffering"

I think some people may be getting a bit carried away.

Who do the children want if they hurt themselves or need comforting?

Well, in our house that would be mum or dad, which I think is great. Shows they have as close a bond with him as with me- probably because we consider ourselves equal parents and don't have some weird idea that only mums can offer comfort and nurturing. And it doesn't bother Me in the slightest, because I don't need to feel im the only person of importance in my childrens life in order to validate my existence

On the straw poll of whether DCs want their mums or dads, this is likely to be affected by the sexist assumptions and traditional roles that clearly prevail in many people's lives! DH and I have very equal roles in our kids' lives and so while obviously they have individual and therefore different relationships with us, there is no preferred parent if they are upset etc. I feel sorry for all the men who are apparently not getting this closeness with their DCs if you and all your friends' DCs want their mums and not their dads!

I guess I might have made a mistake in using the word 'suffering', as I said before English is not my first language and therefore might have used a more emotive word than I should have donw. But they are definitely struggling to adjust to the change and their behaviour has definitely deteriorated.

I want my DD to grow up and have a career and a family (as I do for DS). Difference is DS will no doubt have a career that he can develop in any way he sees fit. DD's may be used as a stick to beat her with and I do not want that.

PenisVanLesbian, so people who disagree with you are "stupid fuck randoms" eh?

Nice.

Inconceivable, as I said, it's not a case of let them suffer vs give up work (though i can see why, if you've been a SAHM that would seem the logical choice). It's also not all your problem - what does your DH think?

I don't think your being selfish op.

Why should you feel bad just because your not

A) desperate for the money
B) enjoy your work and find it fulfilling?

I've never heard that people didn't ought to work unless they badly need the cash!

I agree see how it goes, maybe at the end if 9 months you will be ready for another stint at home, the children will have settled better or you may choose shorter hours.

My DH by the way is very involved andsupportive of me working. But the children have just gone from having me there every day before and after school to summer holidays and me not being there. And I guess It is to be expected that they would struggle with this change. My 2-year old seems to adjust the easiest out of the three. I do have firm and structured childcare arrangements in place but however is looking after them, it is not me. And that seems to be the issue, they are quite vocal about the fact that they miss me.

1. What do you mean by 'suffering'? How does this show itself, and which child has taken it badly and in which ways? A toddler of 2 going through a very clingy stage has a different set of needs than a 7 year old home for the school holidays. You haven't said, in any of your replies, what the nature of this suffering is and so I don't see how we can evaluate it against your desire to restart your career.

1. What do you mean by 'choosing me'? Will no-one else in the family benefit from you choosing to return to work, for example, because of increased career prospects, restarting career/pension in recession, longer-term goals, financially, modelling effort/achievement outside the household sphere and so on. I don't think that you necessarily get all these things when you work, but these things are rarely as simple as 'work=bad for children'.

1. What are the realistic options now you've taken the contract? Abandon it and take the hit in terms of reputation? Just not take another one? Change childcare arrangements? Get your partner to do childcare/take some responsibility for the 'suffering' of your children?

Until you give some details about this, it all sounds a bit vague with the effect of winding people up by fulfiling some stereotype of a selfish working career mother

Not all of them, no. Just the stupid fuck ones.

HTH

Agree with all of StealthPolarBear's posts. Well said.

I think whatever you want to do to preserve your sanity is fine.

I have three children, and I work. Through choice. I like working, I also like my children. I just find it exasperating being with them 24/7 and not having any adult interaction other than with other parents.

And (sorry I haven't read all the way to the end) but squeakytoy your comments on the first page are horrible. So basically, I am less of a mother because I choose to work and am not forced to due to circumstances?

Ok, just see you have posted some details!

If your two-year old has adjusted the best, that's good news. The older ones are vocalising their missing you perhaps because you are reacting to it (as well as them actually missing you). I wouldn't personally sacrifice my career for a seven year old moaning about me not being at home in the school holidays. I would consider scuppering my career an unwise move in the current economic climate for that very minor amount of 'suffering'.

ooh thank you Yama :o No one ever says that about me. You do realise there will be rumours now that we are the same person

Agree with Stealth and Mumsy (and I SAH'd for 5 years, and work v part time now). Possibly the word suffering was a bit exaggerated...

Just what I was thinking, CaveJohnson, having to have the correct motivation/attitude to justify an action. Bizarre.

And is being a SAHM an act of complete self-abnegation? Of course, not, a sense of personal gratification/pleasure is very likely there too.

Cave, but it doesn't even have to be that way. I never craved adult company while on maternity leave. I revelled in the poo talk and the breastfeeding chat. I have craved this week off to spend time with my children (although I realise that is very different to being a SAHM and being with the little darlings full time). But I love my job. It is something I have chosen to do and I like to think I do it well and make a difference. It fulfils needs I have which doing other jobs (including SAHM) would not.
(I realise that you are all gagging to know what this ultra interesting, fantasitc, top secret job is now I ahve bigged it up in such a way. There is no way I can tell you it would shatter the illusion)

StealthPolarBear, I completely agree with you. I like working because I want my daughters, who I am educating to a high standard, to have the choice to fulfil their potential in their careers if they choose that path, as well as be mothers.

If every mother falls on their sword in sacrifice, as squeakytoy would have us all do, all that will happen is that my daughters who I sacrificed everything for by giving up work, will make the same sacrifice for their daughters and so on and so on. When is the generation that gets to put themselves on an equal footing with men in their families and fulfil that aspect of their potential?