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AIBU?

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Original poster

To choose ME for nine months over my children?

283 replies

Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:18

I have three children varying in age from two to seven. I have been a SAHM for the last four years. Before that I had quite a good career and although I really enjoyed my time with the children, I really started to miss working. I then got offered a really good and interesting contract for nine months.

I decided to take it and I am really enjoying the work. However, the children are really finding it difficult to adjust with me working full time and it is really starting to show in their behaviour. It is breaking my heart to see them suffering but I really, really enjoy being back at work.

Am I be unreasonable to let them suffer and choose ME for nine months and just enjoy the work and ignore the price my children are paying for this? It is only temporary after all?

OP posts:
Pollykitten · 08/08/2012 21:54

Children can be exocet missiles for homing in on guilt - if you feel guilty you will be sending subtle messages to this effect. Commit either way, make the decision rationally and if take them all with you. Kids adjust - adults often don't like change either, but it doesn't automatically follow that the change is bad or unhealthy. Working is normal and good for everyone, but try to be at peace with it.

ChitchatAtHome · 08/08/2012 21:54

To hell with feeling guilty just because you enjoy work! Most DHs/Dads that work enjoy working, and aren't made to feel guilty. Your DC just need time to make the adjustment, and with love and attention when you are at home they will make that adjustment.

SophieLeGiraffe · 08/08/2012 21:54

The OP already said - English is not her first language and "suffering" may not have been the right word. Probably more like adjusting, or not quite themselves from what she has said since. Some of which is due to school holidays. I'm sure it is odd for them now the school age ones are always at home and you are not. Perhaps the timing only is the real problem here.

I think actually in reference to the 7 yr old particularly saying they miss you - sure I'm sure they do but it's also a control thing and 7 yr olds, none of us, really, always get what we want, even when we ask really nicely.

stillorsparkling · 08/08/2012 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viperidae · 08/08/2012 21:56

Sorry but I agree with Squeaky, I think if you don't need to work it is selfish to put your wants ahead of your childrens'.

I was very lucky in being able to SAH or work part-time and have just taken a "proper" job now they are grown-up. You can work any time, you can never get this time with them back.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 21:56

I agree with everything stealth posted as well.

And the only people who feel the need to attack working parents generally are the ones that need people to pat them on the head and say "of course being a SAHM is the hardest, most fulfilling job in the world and you made the right choice"

The rest of us just get up and get on with it

I work full time. I have also been to every assembly, parents evening, prize giving, football matches, swimming events and sports day bar one.

But clearly I am less of a mother because I choose to work.

I think my DCs might disagree.

trixymalixy · 08/08/2012 21:56

I hated being a SAHM, I adore my children, but I feel I am a better mother to them having a break from them. I found working full time hard, but it was necessary at the time to get back into the workplace. Now I work part time and it's a better balance.

OP, they will adjust.

chandellina · 08/08/2012 21:56

Whoa squeakytoy, does your martyrdom mandate apply to fathers too, or are they allowed to work for money and pleasure? I think I'm actually paying to work if you look only at my pay vs. nanny's, but I wouldn't seriously consider being at home.

Stop the guilt and let mums do what is right or necessary for both themselves and their families.

thekidsrule · 08/08/2012 21:56

agree with squeaky

very different if its financial neccessity

lots of chips on shoulders Wink

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 21:56

I do sympathise with the OP though. i recently went from a job where i was working locally to one where I do 2 days in another city, staying overnight, and 3 days at home. So the children miss me, and they are vocal about that. I feel bad. However, what they don't realise is that my old job was incredibly stressful and still brings me out in a cold sweat when I think about it. This one is stressful in all the right ways - busy, but no underlying dread. They also don't appreciate the flexibility we get from working from home the other days - how I can every now and then start late and so go into school for this that and the other, how I can pick him up from school every now and again. How when he's sent home ill at 2pm he can lie on the sofa while I check emails and catch up if I need to while he's in bed - it doesn't require a major plan change. Mainly, how I don't spend the weekends either working or stressed, snappy and panicky. They are too young to realise the benefits they get from it - they just see that they don't see me on a Tuesday :(

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 21:57

BINGO

wont someone think of the children

you will never get this time back

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 21:59

Mumsy, yuo've put what I'm trying to say slightly better. If we sacrifice everything for our children, who then sacrifice everything for their children etc...who gets to actually live the life they choose? The child free? Or is it the case you do this before you have children, and after they're 20?

TandB · 08/08/2012 22:00

Clearly I am doing something wrong.

DS1 has to be pretty much dragged kicking and screaming away from nursery at the end of the day and whenever he hurts himself the cry of "myyyy daaaaaaddy" echoes round the house.

Really glad I put in all those hours of carrying the ungrateful little bugger around in a sling and jumping whenever he so much as whimpered.

DS2 is showing signs of going the same way. He is making very definite "dadadad" noises.

I had a job interview today. If I get it then I'll be back off to work 3 days a week in September.

See how you like them apples, DS1 and 2!

PenisVanLesbian · 08/08/2012 22:00

I don't want this time back, thanks all the same. Hmm

Women choose to work instead of stay a home. Shocker. Get the fuck over it, martyrs.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:01

and I think SAHM is a hard job, and I'm sure it's very fulfilling for the people who choose to do it. I hate SAHM bashing, and I have fought against it on other threads. But I would like every SAHP to be that by choice - not at one extreme because they cannot afford to work, or by the other extreme, because they can afford to be a SAHP and therefore should. I bet SAHP is a very fulfilling role for people who choose it. For people who do it with resentment, I bet it's a grind. A bit like any other job really.

NapaCab · 08/08/2012 22:01

Enjoy your 9 months of satisfying work and to hell with the guilt. Your children will be fine - 9 months is hardly going to turn them into hardened criminals bound for juvenile detention and a life of crime!

There is far too much guilt put on women who want to be fulfilled in ways other than being a mother. It's perfectly acceptable for a man to say that it's not enough for him to be a father full-time but somehow for a woman, it's awful to admit that.

I'm not working outside the home at the moment by the way, as I don't have a visa to work where we live and DS is only 10 months. I really think the SAHM thing is overhyped. It can be nice but it doesn't suit everyone as a life plan. I know it doesn't really suit me, for example, and if I had to do this for life, 1950s style, then I'd be clinically depressed at the thought. There's nothing wrong with balancing the needs of your children and your own needs. It's part of life - so go on and keep enjoying your work! (envious you've found something you enjoy that much actually Grin )

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 22:01

I don't want it back either Grin

trixymalixy · 08/08/2012 22:02

I didn't need to work out of financial necessity, i needed to work for my mental health. I think that's just as important as keeping a roof over our heads.

MorrisZapp · 08/08/2012 22:02

Christ, not this pish again.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:03

"Add message | Report | Message poster TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons Wed 08-Aug-12 21:57:06
BINGO

wont someone think of the children

you will never get this time back "

For the other side, I'm going to trot out happy mummy = happy baby
:o

chandellina · 08/08/2012 22:03

Does anyone actually want to "get back" the drudgery of looking after small children every day? If I took several years off work my career would effectively be over. I will never get back the years of maternity leave and four day weeks that have stalled my professional ambitions. And I think I'm a great mum too, btw.

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2012 22:03

oh and don't forget scottishmummy's favourite precious moments

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 22:04

Grin @ stealth.

your baby, your rules

janey68 · 08/08/2012 22:05

Tantrums sums it up well. There is a certain type of SAHM who doesnt seem content unless they are banging on about how hard it is being at home, and how it's the 'most valuable job in the world' . I'm sure these mothers have a massive shock later on when they realise that staying home doesn't ensure their children are top of the class or oozing self confidence. I'm sure what they'd really like is for children of WOHM to be miserable under achievers, because then it would 'validate' their choice.

Dancergirl · 08/08/2012 22:05

I don't get this whole martyrdom attitude. That supposes going out to work is easier than being a SAHM. In my experience that hasn't been the case.