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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose ME for nine months over my children?

283 replies

Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:18

I have three children varying in age from two to seven. I have been a SAHM for the last four years. Before that I had quite a good career and although I really enjoyed my time with the children, I really started to miss working. I then got offered a really good and interesting contract for nine months.

I decided to take it and I am really enjoying the work. However, the children are really finding it difficult to adjust with me working full time and it is really starting to show in their behaviour. It is breaking my heart to see them suffering but I really, really enjoy being back at work.

Am I be unreasonable to let them suffer and choose ME for nine months and just enjoy the work and ignore the price my children are paying for this? It is only temporary after all?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:51

Sorry worraliberty didn't mean to drip feed but main reason is because I want to work, not because I need to. But you have to be realistic and in the back of my head I do feel that it can't hurt to keep my hand in my career.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 08/08/2012 20:54

Dear OP
You should give up your career, your ambitions, your earning potential and possibly your mental health. You have no right to a career because your husband happens to earn enough to support you. You enjoy the work? Too bad. It's also too bad if your husband enjoys what he does and doesn't feel like working part time or giving it up to look after the children...because he is a man. Whereas you are a mother. So fuck you.
Love,
TPL

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 20:54

If you need to keep your hand in your career and you don't want to be financially dependent on your DH, then your children's suffering is probably worth it in the long run.

If it's just so you can enjoy yourself then it's selfish to sit and watch them suffer.

That's my point about your OP.

SilverSixpence · 08/08/2012 20:57

There are plenty of people who don't need to work to survive but do it because they get to use their skills outside the home, interact with other adults and benefit society. And the extra money helps too. Don't think anyone should judge that as being selfish. I sometimes feel SAHMs on here feel they have to make working mums feel guilty to feel better about themselves. They are both valid choices.

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 20:58

theprovinciallady Grin

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 08/08/2012 20:58

Why do you think you are financially dependent on your dh? If anything happened to you, he would be facing a nanny bill of £35k+. You are dependent on each OTHER, that's what marriage is.

OP, I think you have answered your own question by posting on here! If you felt ok about it, you would just get on with it without asking for advice. Yes, many children of working mums turn out fine but it's not the ideal scenario is it?

A lot of working mums feel guilty, sometimes you have to listen to your instincts. Children are small for only a very short time but there is always another job or opening around the corner. Ideally, if it's financially practical, I think it's best to have a parent around for most of the time if you can.

StuntGirl · 08/08/2012 20:59

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Even putting aside the career and financial side of things, even if your sole reason for returning to work was for your enjoyment I still wouldn't think YWBU.

Yama · 08/08/2012 20:59

Inconceivable - good. Think of it that way then. I feel more secure knowing that I can earn money. I could support my family if dh left us, became unemployed, ill or died.

Flosshilde · 08/08/2012 21:00

Isn't the OP's DH being selfish then? Why doesn't he give up work and allow the OP to work?

Oh, hang on, he's a man. They aren't expected to give up their own enjoyment for their children.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2012 21:00

StuntGirl even though she feels her children are actually suffering?

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 21:02

I suppose I feel a bit guilty because I am enjoying the work so much. The financial independence and keeping a hand in are extra reasons to justify it, but they are not the main reasons for going back to work. I am financially quite secure. I am back a work because I want to. And I enjoy it. A lot. And I suppose that is why I feel bad seeing my children struggling to cope with the change.

OP posts:
LJ29 · 08/08/2012 21:04

Don't beat yourself up! It has only been a month and the holidays are different because they are spending more time together than usual anyway. Its not necessarily because of your work. What you describe sounds like very normal behaviour for 3 children of their age!

Original poster
Inconceivable · 08/08/2012 21:05

flosshilde I used to say that my children were in childcare because my husband refused to give up his job!

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 08/08/2012 21:06

flosshilde I hate that attitude. It's that sort of attitude that makes it seem that being a SAHM is somehow less important than going out to work.

Until men start getting pregnant/giving birth/breastfeed, men and women will never be complete equals and people who believe they are are deluding themselves.

CaseyShraeger · 08/08/2012 21:09

Squeakytoy, when I had DD2 DS and DD1 had to deal with a lot less attention, and their behaviour went downhill for several months (which seems to be what the OP means by 'suffering'). Was it selfish of me to have another child (after all, I didn't NEED to), or was it OK for them to 'suffer' for a few months in that case?

fishandlilacs · 08/08/2012 21:10

Children don't often react positively to change regardless of what that change is, i expect if you or your husband lost a job, the family had to move, you decided to have another baby, someone became ill, they would be clingy and tearful. That's life change is a part of life and so is you choosing to work regardless of it being for a bit or a bit longer and regardless if you enjoy it or not.

I chose to have kids but i never ever intended to give up work totally because of it. It has been forced on me by circumstance. I cannot understand why you are being judged so harshly.

Oh yeah sorry of course i can, this is mumsnet, afterall.

Enjoy your work OP and enjoy your extra pocket money, however you choose to spend it-on the kids or yourself. Have permission to leave the guilt behind.

ImperialBlether · 08/08/2012 21:10

Given your last post, Inconceivable, I wouldn't be in work. I couldn't make children unhappy when there was a choice involved in going back to work.

In your position I'd give up work and take up something like a Masters at night and go back later, when they can cope.

Shenanagins · 08/08/2012 21:10

Go off to work and don't feel guilty about it (well any more than the usual parental guilt that you have from the day they are born). Children are adaptable and over time will get used to the new routine. Routine is the key here, make sure you have one that you stick to and they will soon get used to it.

Going out to work and enjoying it is not a crime and your children are not suffering, they will be fine once they get used to it.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 08/08/2012 21:11

Yes my job is exactly like a Heath spa.

It's fucking wonderful. I love it.

My 3 DCs have been in childcare since the age of 4-6 months.

I could probably afford not to work at the moment.

However I love the health spa-ness so much I choose to carry on.
You see, I do get to choose.
Contrary to some opinions, I did not lose the right to make decisions for myself when I became a mother.

I do not enjoy being at home day after day after day, cooking, cleaning, washing, watching day time tv. I do not need my children hanging off my hip 24/7 in order to be a good parent.

Dancergirl · 08/08/2012 21:13

Oh come on Bluecanary, I think most of us aspire to give our children a little more than basic human rights.

The level of 'suffering' may not be life threatening but seeing a parent MUCH less than they used to is difficult for them.

Flosshilde · 08/08/2012 21:13

Dancer - I don't think you can extrapolate that at all. Being a SAHM is just as important (and imo, harder, from my experience on maternity leave) as going out to work. But it is my view that if a woman does it, it has to be what the woman actually wants to do and not what she is pushed into by the expectations of society. There is no reason that once birth / breastfeeding is over that a man couldn't take over the SAH role. They don't because of societal reasons.

No one ever asks my DH where our DS is when he is at work. I am constantly asked. No one asks my DH who is looking after our DS when he is out at his hobbies. I am asked. It is because the woman is expected to carry out the childcare and a man is expected to carry on as normal with his DW/P taking up the slack.

LJBrownie · 08/08/2012 21:13

The children are not 'suffering' - it is clearly not necessary to be a SAHM to have happy, well-adjusted children so you don't need to feel guilty! Working is just a part of life like going to school is for your school-age kids or cooking and cleaning is for those who do stay at home. It's just the way you happen to spend some of the hours in the day. And, when your children grow up, they'll work too (at home or at work). It doesn't change the fact your kids have a loving, involved mother and a comfortable life. There is some real rubbish being talked on this thread.

LingDiLong · 08/08/2012 21:13

OP, as a SAHM of 3 children aged 2 to 7 I feel I must point out that for the last month they have been arguing more, whining/tantruming more and more badly behaved. I am assuming because they were tired at end of term, and then the change of routine in the first weeks of the summer holiday. I wouldn't make a big decision a mere 1 month in. Give it a bit more time and see how you go. Maybe there are smaller changes you could make - what is your childcare like? How do you spend the time you have with the kids?

CaseyShraeger · 08/08/2012 21:14

Clearly your issue, OP, is that you enjoy it. There are a whole bunch of sensible practical reasons for you to take on a short-term contract and if only you had the decency to hate every minute of it that would presumably be fine. But having the temerity to enjoy it - well, tsk.

squeakytoy · 08/08/2012 21:15

"Contrary to some opinions, I did not lose the right to make decisions for myself when I became a mother"

You did choose to become responsible for making the decisions for your children though when you chose to be a parent. And their needs should come above the desires of the mother while they are still young.