About brothers "girlfriend" coming to my daughter's christening

[Birdiegirl]

I have only one brother and I asked him to be Godfather to our DD, she is our only child (not sure that matters but just to give you the full picture)

Anyway DB has decided to emigrate to Australia and should be gone by September. The christening is next Subday so no problems there.

The issue is my DB is shagging a 19 year old, he is 34. He has told me that he's only going out with this girl to fill in time until he leaves and once he goes to Aus it will be over.

He asked to bring her to the christening and DH and said we'd prefer if he didn't because (a) she's far too young for him in our opinion, (b) it's only a temporary thing and (c) we've never met her and the christening is a family occasion with only a couple of very close friends.

Now my brother is saying if he can't bring this girl then he won't go either. And my reply has been well if you don't come to your only niece's christening you'll never see her or me again.

So am I being unreasonable, should I back down and let him bring her?

Please be gentle, thanks.

Oh, is this like when people say ""She" is the cat's mother" in a snooty tone?

I think you're REALLY looking for a reason to get offended here.

I'd LOVE to see the AIBU thread about someone's brother shagging a 19 year old tortoise and wanting to bring it to a christening though.

no, not offended, simply taking issue with the way this OP talks about a teenage girl

if that is acceptable in your world, Cly, I am sure you are in good company (unfortunately)

it doesn't mean that those of us who aren't ok with it should shut up though

you'll be calling us "professionally offended" next

I did know somebody once who used to shag the exhaust pipe of their car

troo story

I just don't think referring to someone as "a 19 year old" is perjorative at all. I really can't see it. It's used in newspapers, e.g. "The 19 year old, who cannot be named for legal reasons, went on to...." and it's perfectly grammatically sound.

I would disregard what he's told you about this girl just being a shag till he goes away. Actions speak louder than words and from his reaction, it looks like he does actually care for her more than he's made out. No reason to assume that just cos he's told you one thing, it's the absolute truth. Like someone said earlier, he could just have been playing it cool. Whether there's any future in the relationship or not (and none of us know that with any certainty in this life), she is his girlfriend now and she is old enough to go out with him without you getting this overtly judgey about it. I don't honestly see why you wouldn't let her come and keep the peace. She really is not going to ruin the event, but you could ruin the longer-term relationship with your DB if you don't chill out about it. And I speak as someone with a DB who does lots of things I disapprove of, but bite my lip as it's really none of my business.

it's alllllll in the context, IMO

OP judges her brother for seeing this young girl as disposable shagging material, when she refers to her in exactly the same way

it seems we shall have to agree to disagree though

I wouldn't do it, you would

I would raise my eyebrow at you in polite company though, as would most of my social circle

You know someone who shags exhaust pipes and yet you and your friends would look down on me in polite company for using something entirely factual, grammatically correct and utterly common practice in print (if slightly tabloidy)? What an interesting set of values you must have :)

"knowing" someone is not the same as sharing their values

I "knew" him because he lived on my street. Lots of people "knew" Harold Shipman. I am not sure your point is valid.

Well, we can agree to diagree on that too then :)

I'm very agreeable me.

I was quite sympathetic until I read your comment about him never seeing you or your DD again if he didn't come. THAT really was totally unreasonable in my opinion!!!! And I imagine you'd regret that, big time.

Personally, I'd just invite her and not worry about it. As someone else said, you might like her.

As for your opinions on their relationship, it's legal and really it isn't any of your business at all.

I've read to page 3

OP I would phone your brother up and talk to him. Outright say to him there is only going to be x amount of us (I assume 7 adults from what you said and x amount of kids) I don't think she will enjoy it and I was looking forward to having some time with you and hoping for you to enjoy your niece before you go off and I wont see you for a long time.

Don't text do this in voice (skype would be great so you can see each other) Be honest with him that you're feeling reluctant because he said it was a short term thing if you do feel this way (I would too) but perhaps also question if that really is how he sees it if he does want her along. I suspect he wants her along for a bit of " light relief" in the night time. If that's the case is there a spa or similar he can pay for her to go to during the christening?

Don't get into a "you said I said" thing just say " this is what I was hoping for" this is why I feel reluctant to invite her " (small gathering and you said it was a short term thing - and I want to spend time with you before you emigrate)

See what he says.

Don't let it ruin your relationship but that doesn't automatically = he gets his way either.
Personally for dd3's christening we had only close friends and had my single gf had a new guy I would not have wished to invite him.

YANBU - At our wedding, we had a limited number of guests - we invited guests + spouses (in a couple of cases, fiance(e)s).

How high and tight are your judgypants, OP?

IMO the only legitimate grievance here is that you haven't met this woman before, and therefore at a small intimate gathering her presence might be a little inappropriate FOR THAT REASON ONLY.

Rather than giving your brother the dramatic ultimatum you did, you could have just pointed out that it was a small gathering for close family only, and quite possibly have avoided the difficulty.

YABU.

Ya know I'm so pleased my sister didn't take this attitude. I am godmother to my dn. I met my now dh 2 weeks before the christening. We were both only 19. She could have easily been a dick about it and left him out and made assumptions about our relationship.

Ten years on he's a great role model and uncle and a massive part of dn's live since her dad walked out.

Don't be so quick to judge, assume or write people off. You don't know what they will become!

It's hardly an assumption if thats what her brother had told her though!

"He has told me that he's only going out with this girl to fill in time until he leaves and once he goes to Aus it will be over."

Presumably your DH didn't say anything like that to his sister?

It's hardly her business to judge who her brother goes out with and what his intentions are.

Sorry, wrong way round. Unless you told your sister he was just a quick no strings attached fling, then it's a bit different isn't it?

Thankfully neither my now dh or I felt the
need to or were indeed expected to quantify our relationship to anyone at that point.

What people say and mean are different things and feelings change and grow, sometimes taking everyone by surprise!

Well it looks to me as if he has been understating it and now cares a bit more, as why would you want to take a short term fling to a christening?

Op just call him and say your confused about it.

Either way threatening him not to see your dd again is a bit much so whatever you decide that bit you need to sort.

If her brother wanted her to take the relationship seriously he shouldn't have said that this girl was just to pass the time. No wonder the OP thinks it's pointless. Why would you want a random person at the christening and in the christening pics who you are never going to see again.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your brother needs to decide if she is important enough to come to the christening and if so then why is he using her like he is, and if she isn't that important then he needs to come on his own and stop acting like a 19 year old.

I think it's a bit unchivalrous of him to talk about her like that and if she's so unimportant to him, why does he want her to come anyway? For a free outing?

I do think it's a bit unreasonable to say you'll cut off contact though.

I think we all realised from the start that the Brother is no Sir Tristan but doesn't mean he shouldn't have a guest with him does it. Otherwise he'd look as much of a goosebury as Prince Henry does these days.

The brother was asked to be Godfather before the OP knew of his plans to emigrate, so it wasn't despite his plans.

But once those plans are known, he is no longer suitable to be a godfather. He won't be around to fulfill the promises he will make in church. It just makes a mockery of the service, so who is/is not invited to attend becomes rather pointless. It's supposed to be a significant event in the life of the child, not a social occasion for faces that fit.

Sally, that wasn't my point.

When I wrote the bit you have quoted I was replying to this:

"This is your brother; he's emigrating. You've chosen him as a godparent despite his plans so he's not exactly going to be 'surrounding' your daughter in the faith, is he?"

And my point was that saying the OP had asked him to be Godfather despite his plans was wrong. She hadn't. She had asked him before she knew of his plans to emigrate, not despite them.