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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About brothers "girlfriend" coming to my daughter's christening

154 replies

Birdiegirl · 07/08/2012 19:58

I have only one brother and I asked him to be Godfather to our DD, she is our only child (not sure that matters but just to give you the full picture)

Anyway DB has decided to emigrate to Australia and should be gone by September. The christening is next Subday so no problems there.

The issue is my DB is shagging a 19 year old, he is 34. He has told me that he's only going out with this girl to fill in time until he leaves and once he goes to Aus it will be over.

He asked to bring her to the christening and DH and said we'd prefer if he didn't because (a) she's far too young for him in our opinion, (b) it's only a temporary thing and (c) we've never met her and the christening is a family occasion with only a couple of very close friends.

Now my brother is saying if he can't bring this girl then he won't go either. And my reply has been well if you don't come to your only niece's christening you'll never see her or me again.

So am I being unreasonable, should I back down and let him bring her?

Please be gentle, thanks.

OP posts:

boohoohooshouldhavewongold · 07/08/2012 21:01

I guess at the end of the day you need to ask yourself do you want to leave your relationship with him like this? Would you not bitterly regret him not coming over some girl?

If it were my brother, I wouldn't want him to emigrate with bad feelings between us. The best thing would be to let him bring this girl, be polite and smile (costs nothing ) and part with your brother on good and happy memories.

usualsuspect · 07/08/2012 21:02

It's ridiculous to cause a family feud over such a trivial thing.

spamm · 07/08/2012 21:03

In life you have to chose your battles carefully, as they can affect you forever. Do you really feel that this is the one to chose?

My family is sometimes dramatic and intense and big, but we never threaten to "never see anybody again" because behind all that, we really love each other and we know the damage such earth shattering threats could do.

In my Dh's family, they take offense really easily, make big threats, hold grudges and then expect everybody to roll over and accept them. I know which one I prefer.

When Dh's family made emotional threats at our wedding, I gracefully gave in, because they were not worth the bother, because I wanted Dh and his Dad to enjoy the wedding, despite the Stepmom's attitude and DH's Mother's behaviour. I ignored them all on the day and had a great time. I would do the same again - although I am older and wiser and I would now manipulate things so that they could not make successful threats.

Be the clever one and make this work for you. If you really want him to be GF to your DD, then be gracious and grateful and take the higher ground. You will likely have a nicer day and make it far more welcoming for others. Otherwise everybody will remember your DD's Christening for the wrong things - THAT family crisis

larks35 · 07/08/2012 21:03

If my bro was emigrating and I felt close enough to him to want him to be Godfather (actually if I was going to have my DCs Christened then my bro would be first choice for me), I wouldn't give two hoots who he decided he wanted to bring along for the celebration.
I think YABU and you will potentially cause a permanent rift with a close family member, over what? Is it worth that? Really?

RustyBear · 07/08/2012 21:08

The age gap really is none of your business - my dad was 36 and my mum 20 when they met; they were happily married for 52 years.

GaryTankCommander · 07/08/2012 21:12

Honestly... I'd probably feel the same as you. If it is a small intimate family gathering then I wouldn't want my DB to bring a f**k buddy with him, a girlfriend (however young or new) is fine, but he has implied to you that is not what she is.

But ultimately I would not, not ever fall out with my DB over something that in the grand scheme of things doesn't matter. He's going away, you're not going to see him regularly anymore, don't fall out over this.

Kladdkaka · 07/08/2012 21:16

Wanting to exclude someone from a christening, being prepared to sever you relationship with your brother forever, judging others, doesn't seem very Christian to me. Where's the love for all, including your brother's partner? Where is the welcoming a stranger into the house of god to share an important Christian milestone? I think you might not have been paying attention in Sunday school.

wigglesrock · 07/08/2012 21:17

Oh God, its escalated into a bit of a nightmare hasn't it? I think YABU and your brother is as stubborn as you Look you don't like who he's sleeping with, you need to put it behind you and try and fix it. He's your bloody brother, he's only got 6 weeks or so left before he goes, don't let this fleeting arrangement ruin your relationship. And I speak as someone who unwittingly instigated a family row on my husbands side re our choice of godparents last year , which although we all try, no-one has really gotten over it.

captainmummy · 07/08/2012 21:18

OP - did he really say that he would not come without her? Why? She is either more important to him than just a fuckbuddy, or he is doing it to wind you up.

FermezLaBouche · 07/08/2012 21:21

Love Kladdkaka's post as she's made the most striking point of all.
I just don't get the issue. My 25 year old brother is known for his "short term relationships" but as a family we have embraced any woman he's brought along to events in a friendly and welcoming way. Why wouldn't we? Apart from the short term-ness of their relationship, do you really have any proper objections towards the woman? Is she likely to embarrass anyone or spoil the day?
If not, is this really a battle worth picking?

JumpingThroughHoops · 07/08/2012 21:25

control freakery = And my reply has been well if you don't come to your only niece's christening you'll never see her or me again.

You cant lay down the law an who or what he decides to bonk. I doubt a 19yo would want to permanently hook up with a geriatric old fogey 34yo. On the other hand ..... she might end up as your SIL .... fate has a funny way of panning out.

I'm assuming the invitation was a 'plus one'? Serious error of judgement to assume she is some how not suitable for a wider audience. If she were, I doubt he'd be bringing her.

So it depends on how you value your relationship with your brother - you've got some back peddling to do because you've really wrecked it from what you've posted.

bogeyface · 07/08/2012 21:30

And if you re-read the OPs subsequent post, he has refused to come without his shagpiece and said that he wont be seeing them unless they visit him in Oz, which the OP said that they wouldnt be doing. I wouldnt be able to visit my sis if she moved there, so it wasnt the OP who is doing the cutting off but the brother.

And either way, it isnt control freakery, but manipulation. As I said, the DB is the guilty one for that not the OP.

ll31 · 07/08/2012 21:32

think you and your brother sound equally childish tbh. yabu-would be normal to invite gp partner to christening

squeakytoy · 07/08/2012 21:34

"Would anyone want their 19 year old DD going out with a 34 year old man really?"

It really isnt that massive an age difference. So on that point YABU.

eurochick · 07/08/2012 21:41

Do you love drama or something? Between the two of you, you have managed to create one...

15 years is not that big an age difference. Surely the important thing about a christening is the god/godparent part? Or are you having one just to show off your baby and be the centre of attention....? As others have pointed out, anyone can attend the service (and randoms often seem to, unlike wedding services).

NovackNGood · 07/08/2012 21:43

When you say he will never see you or his niece again you are being exceptionally childish. So I it is easy to say YOU ARE THE UNREASONABLE ONE.

DoItOnce · 07/08/2012 21:47

I think I would let her come and be nice about it. It's really not the end of the world and she might be lovely.

I think it's a bit creepy of him to date a 19 year old but who knows, and it doesn't really matter to you. I find the strangest part of all of this is that she would want to come!

He sounds a bit of a pratt but he is moving away so you won't have to worry about him for long.

I hope you, your family and your DD all have a stress free and enjoyable christening

DoItOnce · 07/08/2012 21:49

Ps, I have a very mature 19 year old and I would be horrified if they went out with a 34 year old. It is a huge age range at that age.

solidgoldbrass · 07/08/2012 21:52

Have you and your brother spent your whole lives trying to push each other around and stamping your feet if you don't get your own way?

nailak · 07/08/2012 21:52

depends on the maturity of those involved surely!

I too am married to a man 14 years older then me. Got married when i was in my early twenties and him mid thirties.

Whats so horrifying about it?

WithoutCaution · 07/08/2012 21:54

Life's too short OP let her go to the Christening

dottyspotty2 · 07/08/2012 21:57

Doitonce why is it horrifying bit of an archaic attitude

MushroomSoup · 07/08/2012 21:58

I think YABU. It's your brother, you love him. He has a GF you don't approve of but that's not your business - she is presumably a nice girl who you might like.
My DB brought his fuckbuddy short term GF to a family party 10 years ago. They lasted 2 weeks but she has been my friend ever since!
Live and let live, OP.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2012 22:00

You don't sound like a great Christian to be honest OP

I hope your DD is raised to be less judgemental

tittytittyhanghang · 07/08/2012 22:00

First you said that it was a small gathering, only 2 friends and their husbands, but if its in a church surely anyone could in theory show up. Then you said your putting on a buffet, I can't see how one extra person is gonna blow the budget out the water. The only remotely justified reason you have is that you don't know her, but imo thats not a good enough reason not to invite her if your db considers her a partner enough to attend events with him. Theoretically they could get married tomorrow, would you be happy if db gf banned you from attending on the basis she doesn't know you/hasn't met you yet?

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