About brothers "girlfriend" coming to my daughter's christening

[Birdiegirl]

I have only one brother and I asked him to be Godfather to our DD, she is our only child (not sure that matters but just to give you the full picture)

Anyway DB has decided to emigrate to Australia and should be gone by September. The christening is next Subday so no problems there.

The issue is my DB is shagging a 19 year old, he is 34. He has told me that he's only going out with this girl to fill in time until he leaves and once he goes to Aus it will be over.

He asked to bring her to the christening and DH and said we'd prefer if he didn't because (a) she's far too young for him in our opinion, (b) it's only a temporary thing and (c) we've never met her and the christening is a family occasion with only a couple of very close friends.

Now my brother is saying if he can't bring this girl then he won't go either. And my reply has been well if you don't come to your only niece's christening you'll never see her or me again.

So am I being unreasonable, should I back down and let him bring her?

Please be gentle, thanks.

I agree - another Godfather is called for.

And FWIW i think the 19YO is probably doing exactly the same to him - passing the time until he buggers off to AUs. She is not going to want to be tied down at 19 to anyone, i reckon

I wondered if you were RC, OP. In my opinion, of the ones I know, they are the most judgemental of all.

This is your brother; he's emigrating. You've chosen him as a godparent despite his plans so he's not exactly going to be 'surrounding' your daughter in the faith, is he?

Think about whether you really want to pursue your statement to its conclusion; you can, of course - and live with the consequences of it. I don't think your brother will be put out other than thinking less of you for your judgemental stance on his girlfriend. He's seeing her whilst he's still here but you refer to 'shagging' quite a lot, not very savoury language. Urgh.

Hmmm cant say you sound particularly Christian to me, thought god was inclusive to everyone, even to fuck buddies. (what a horrible term to call this young girl).

Me neither I'm RC non practising but really thinking of going back but some of the holier than thou attitudes stink and RC get baptised not christened.

"thought god was inclusive to everyone, even to fuck buddies"

Really? He's not that struck on sex before marriage, so doubt he'd be that inclusive of "friends with benefits" really. Disapproving of sex outside marriage is pretty spot on doctrine for RC so you can't accuse OP of not following her faith/

You need a different godfather for your DD, could you have 'additional' one as well (if you explain the situation to the priest, I'm sure they'll understand)- or put the whole thing back back 4-5 months until he's gone.

I would feel uncomfortable with this too - not that he's shagging someone so much younger, but that by inviting her to a small family gathering, that sends a very clear message to her and the rest of the family (and her family if she tells them) that he sees her as part of his family. When you know he doesn't really care about her, that's a horrible mixed message he's sending. He would be using your DD's christening to be mean to someone in order to boost his ego/make the day all about him (you know everyone will be whispering about her). She will spend the day getting to know his family, being part of the group, probably not knowing she's about to be dumped and this is the last time she'll see these people.

You might want your DB to be a positive influence on your DD's life, but one way or another (either by being a bit of a cock or by just physically being the other side of the world), he's not going to be, that he can treat this young woman so poorly suggests he doesn't have the greatest respect for woman. So pick someone else to be godfather you can trust to be a good influence.

Hmm well most of the RC I know only are so that they can get their children into their schools!

The brother was asked to be Godfather before the OP knew of his plans to emigrate, so it wasn't despite his plans.

And he was the one who first laid down an ultimatum. Invite a girl he has been involved with for less than two months and who he is not serious about, or he won't go to the christening, won't be godparent to his niece and won't see his sister before he leaves for Australia.

The OP perhaps shouldn't have responded with "well then you'll never see us again" but as she has explained it later as meaning that she wont be going out to Australia and doubts he will be coming back, it does seem to be a little bit less awful a statement than it first sounds.

I've seen so many threads on here where the OP is criticised for not wanting to go to occasions like this if their partner or children haven't been asked. And these are long term partners. So many replies about "It's their wedding, not yours, they can invite who they like" and "why can't you go out for one day without your husband?" The brother is doing exactly the same thing here, laying down the law about who comes to someone else's event or he won't go, and yet he is being defended for it.

And his girlfriend has been called an adult when the age gap is being defended and a young girl when the OP is critical about her perceived nature of the relationship. It can't be both ways just because the OP has used a horrible ten to describe what she thinks of their relationship.

OP I was really on the fence about this before, but having written that down and seen how little he appears to think of being her Godfather, in that he won't do it if his new-but-very-temporary girlfriend can't come as well, I can understand you telling him not to bother then and finding someone else who thinks more of being asked.

Look, it's up to the op what she does, but constantly referring to this young adult/girl as a fuck buddy is horrible.

i'd be the bigger person and back down. He'll probably change his mind and not bring her but even if he does its no big deal. I'd be concerned that he hasn't told her that he is going to oz/or that she sees the relationship as more serious and he does but as long as he doesn't expect you to lie for him. Also he may be bull shitting about the nature of the relationship or just be wrong - i have known these sort of relationships turn out to be serious.

But i think you do need to talk to him about what being a godparent means to him as you may have different ideas

Maybe your DB and you are better off apart. You are a judgy, worried what peopke think type over how your DB feels and he is a total user unless his shagpiece knows of his intentions and is OK with that etc...

"Hmm well most of the RC I know only are so that they can get their children into their schools! "

I think that says more that the people that you know than the precepts of the RC religion as a whole though.

I would back down in this situation, I think, and let him come, be the GF and bring his gf. Do you really want to be estranged from him? He may not stay in Australia for long - lots of people come back a few years after they've emigrated. Life really is too short. Just call and him and apologise and say that of course he can come, you were just having a bad day. Once he's gone, he'll be too far away for a heartfelt apology with a meet-up. He's your only sibling, you said. Please be the bigger person in this instance, for your sake as much as for his.

Sorry I didn't see if you were saying other people ate bringing partners? It's really noyb about her age etc. if he is making so much fuss about bringing her he must think more if her than you think otherwise why would he give a shit?

Maybe he thinks your being judgemental? And that's why he's duh his heels in.

In any event, it's usual to let godparents bring a partner, she won't be too involved in the day, you might even like her.

I'd let her come. For you not to speak to each other again for ever over this would be awful.

OP - I think you should get a new GF. I am not religious and have not done the christening thing but from what little knowledge I have, your DB doesn't seem like a good choice for a few reasons.

With regard to inviting his GF along to the christening, would it really matter that much ?? I'm a fan of choosing my battles and this is definitely one I'd leave alone. Invite them. Get some photos of your db on his own and know he's going off to Aus with no bad feelings.

If you say he isn't being gf now it would make things worse. Could you get an extra one who will be in the country?

May be nice to have an Australian gf. Visits in the future etc.

A big age gap is fine if both people are serious about the relationship, but although 19 is technically an adult, she is still a teenager. However mature she might be, she is still more vulnerable than a 34 year old, simply due to having less life experience. If she was my dd I would be most unhappy about her being used as a fuck buddy for a 34 year old man.

It is entirely your right to invite who you want to your baby's christening and if he puts getting his own way above respect for the occasion then I think he is no great loss to your daughter's life. He sounds like a brat and if I were you, I'd want a better gf for my child.

Only got to page 2 and got so pissed off I can't be bothered to read the rest.

OP, YANBU why oh why do so many people think that you have to invite her when she has only been with your brother for a few weeks? It isn't a relationship yet (and from what he has said it isn't going to be).

His attitude towards you is awful. He won't see you if he can't bring her! How petulant. Being GF should be a great honor for him. I can clearly see that it is a small family and close friends occasion. No, you should NOT feel obligated to give in to his petulant demands. Why would she even want to go anyway.

I've seen so many threads on here where the OP is criticised for not wanting to go to occasions like this if their partner or children haven't been asked. And these are long term partners. So many replies about "It's their wedding, not yours, they can invite who they like" and "why can't you go out for one day without your husband?" The brother is doing exactly the same thing here, laying down the law about who comes to someone else's event or he won't go, and yet he is being defended for it.

So true!!!! Don't know why it is completely different in this case. And please stop going on about the age difference. So the OP has an issue with the age gap, that isn't the main focus here. She already said she wouldn't have such an issue with it if it was going to be a long term relationship, but THIS ISN'T. The brother is just using this woman until he moves away.

Isn't it normal ettiquette to inviite people in 2s.If they haven't got a partner you put '+guest' . It is where I come from anyway!!

OP, you don't sound like much of a Christian to me

You being an absolute bitch about this young girl, for a start

I hope nobody ever talks about my teenage daughter the way you have about this one

I love the way if anyone mentions that they are christian on mumsnet then if they express any opinion or feeling other than sweetness and light they are accused of being unchristian as if it's a really clever stick to try and beat them with.

Christians are flawed. Christians are imperfect. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. If they were perfect and infallible....well they'd probably be Jesus.

And since it is unchristian to condone sex before marriage, the OP is being VERY Christian in disapproving of their behaviour.

Is fuck buddy that insulting? It's just a cruder way of saying friends with benefits. How do you all know the brother doesn't use the term himself, or the girl? I've have friend's who said that they and x are fuck buddies. She's not calling her a dirty slapper.

in her Op she referred to this young girl, not by "person" but simply as "the 19yo he is shagging"

horrible

No she didn't. She said "my DB is shagging a 19 year old".

Factually accurate. What is he doing? Shagging? Who is he doing it to? A 19 year old. The fact she is 19 is part of the point, "My DB is shagging a person" probably wouldn't have been that clear as to the problem. It's really not insulting. Especially when the DB is the one who has said that the relationship is sex based.

Even, "the 19yo he is shagging" is still factually accurate and not insulting.

From the opening post...

The issue is my DB is shagging a 19 year old, he is 34

a 19yo what ? A 19yo tortoise ? A 19yo goose egg ? A 19yo sofa ?

no, I think she means "young girl"