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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About brothers "girlfriend" coming to my daughter's christening

154 replies

Birdiegirl · 07/08/2012 19:58

I have only one brother and I asked him to be Godfather to our DD, she is our only child (not sure that matters but just to give you the full picture)

Anyway DB has decided to emigrate to Australia and should be gone by September. The christening is next Subday so no problems there.

The issue is my DB is shagging a 19 year old, he is 34. He has told me that he's only going out with this girl to fill in time until he leaves and once he goes to Aus it will be over.

He asked to bring her to the christening and DH and said we'd prefer if he didn't because (a) she's far too young for him in our opinion, (b) it's only a temporary thing and (c) we've never met her and the christening is a family occasion with only a couple of very close friends.

Now my brother is saying if he can't bring this girl then he won't go either. And my reply has been well if you don't come to your only niece's christening you'll never see her or me again.

So am I being unreasonable, should I back down and let him bring her?

Please be gentle, thanks.

OP posts:
DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 20:19

So is there not usually strangers at a church at a christening? There has been to all christenings I've been to...and more than one child being christened at a time. :-/

TidyDancer · 07/08/2012 20:21

You realise you can't stop him bringing her, don't you? It's not something you can actually restrict someone from attending. I don't know you from Adam, but I could still go if I fancied it.

YABridiculouslyU and judgemental on the first two points, and the third is moot because it's a Church event. You can make the last point with your DB and see what he says, but if he still refuses, you need to decide whether your silly stance on this is more important than having your DB at the Christening.

tinkersmelly · 07/08/2012 20:22

I was 19 when I married a 34 year old and although we are now split up it lasted 15 years so I think its unfair to make sweeping generalisations about age. Personally I would backdown a bit, her presence there isn't going to ruin your day really and it would be a shame to fall out with him before he leaves for the other side of the world.

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2012 20:23

But I assume there will be some form of 'tea' afterwards?
So he will be bringing a total stranger to a very small family gathering?

Wouldn't be a problem to me if it was a serious relationship, but it would be quite hard for me to look this girl in the eye knowing what my brother thought of her.

(And I wouldn't think too much of him either, tbh)

akaemmafrost · 07/08/2012 20:23

I can understand why you might be raising eyebrows over this but to threaten to NEVER see him or let him see your dd again? Seriously?

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2012 20:24

Oh. And he's behaving like a spoilt brat.
Does he understand the importance of being asked to be a Godfather?

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 20:25

If its the party bit after that you're worried about maybe say there isn't enough food/drink to cover more people? If its the church I don't think you have a leg to stand on. Just don't let her on the photos I guess

Original poster
Birdiegirl · 07/08/2012 20:27

Why does it matter - honestly that's what I'm trying to work out in my head.

As a previous poster said I think it is making me look at him in a different light, he's just using this girl - do I really want him as GF to my daughter?

My head is wrecked!

OP posts:
TalHotBrunette · 07/08/2012 20:29

YABU. Why do you care so much about your brother's sex life? Grin

Seriously, however temporary, she is his choice of partner. He obviously cares enough about her to kick up a fuss about her not being invited and it's no skin off your nose if she comes is it?

Threatening him with never seeing his niece again over something so trivial is very ott.

DozyDuck · 07/08/2012 20:29

Does the girl know she's being used? Sad

If she's quite happy with the arrangement then I'd say he isnt doing much wrong. It's consensual.

If she thinks it's all going to be great and long distance and he knows it won't be then you are right to question his morals tbh.

TidyDancer · 07/08/2012 20:30

And that's the point you need to focus on.

If you have an issue with your DB's character, then YWNBU to not have him as a GF. But be prepared for a fallout there, since you've already invited him.

FWIW, my BIL's track record with, and treatment of, women is the reason my DSis is in mine and DP's wills to be guardian to the DCs should we both kick the bucket.

polkadotsrock · 07/08/2012 20:30

I really wouldn't overthink it. Perhaps he's mad about her but is doing that blokey thing of making out he isn't. Perhaps he's trying to convince himself he's not arsed so it's easier to leave. Who knows? You know your brother and if you thought enough of him before I wouldn't let his personal life change your mind, it's hardly likely to affect your child is it?

bogeyface · 07/08/2012 20:33

It was me that said about you looking at him differently, because I think I would too. And I dont think YABU for not wanting a stranger who he has only known for a couple if weeks there.

BUT, dont use her age as a reason, it just makes you look bad. Focus on the fact that it will be a very small intimate occasion and if it was a bigger "do" then you wouldnt have a problem with it.

But please dont threaten to cut him off, that will hurt you the most :(

Original poster
Birdiegirl · 07/08/2012 20:35

Sorry should have said he sent me a text saying that if she wasn't going then he wasn't going and then said maybe he'd see me sometime In Australia!! So he's basically said he wouldn't be coming to see us before he leaves (we live 2 hours away from each other). My reply to him was that if he didn't come to the christening we'd never see him again as I wouldn't be going to Australia.

Also the christening is in a church and we're having a family gathering afterwards upstairs in a local pub, it's a buffet and we are paying per person who attends.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 07/08/2012 20:37

Don't think the age difference is relevent TBH 13 years between DH and I we've been together since I was 18 and very happy all our kids are grown up so the question about wanting your daughters going out with men with similar age difference doesn't occcur to me. I think the problem you have is it's just a new relationship casual or not, not really appropriate to bring her but to say you'll never see him ever again for this sounds bloody immature to me its his choice whether her goes or not. Far more serious family issues affecting people in this world than this.

TidyDancer · 07/08/2012 20:39

Surely you can't be quibbling over the cost of a buffet meal though?

You need to stop accumulating reasons to not invite this poor girl, who probably has done nothing wrong.

Your brother is at fault. If he comes, you need to accept he may bring someone.

You should not have made a silly threat about never seeing him again.

Northernlurker · 07/08/2012 20:41

OP - do you attend church regularly?

A1980 · 07/08/2012 20:42

Never see you or his niece again?! yabvu. It's a.christening ffs. Also be careful what you say: if he's emigrating you May not see him very often ever again anyway.

My parents lived abroad when I was a baby and because of that none if my grandparents or my aunts / uncles were there. I can't honestly say it's damaged me for life.

JumpingThroughHoops · 07/08/2012 20:47

TBH, OP he's moving to Australia to get away from your control freakery. I think he's made a brilliant life style change.

Casmama · 07/08/2012 20:47

I think maybe you are really irritated because you want him to feel honoured to be asked and take it seriously and bringing along his latest fuckbuddy is neither very religious nor implying he is taking it seriously. Also if he is promising to support the religious upbringing of a baby girl whilst bringing along a girl he is using for sex, I onder how he can reconcile that in his own head.
For what it's worth my dh is fifteen years older than me and things started on a casual basis so no judgement from me but I didn't attend family functions until things were more serious.

bogeyface · 07/08/2012 20:50

What a stupid thing to say JUmping What evidence do you have for that exactly?

StillSquiffy · 07/08/2012 20:51

It's your mum I feel sorry for - imagine having to bring the two of you up.

He IBU. You ABU.

Gingerodgers · 07/08/2012 20:54

Really, you should have asked someone else to be gf. Clearly he does not value the relationship he has with you and your child. That said, you need to mend bridges before he goes, or you might never see him again. I do think that it is only yhe parents who view the christening as such an important event, like weddings! Let's face it, I have been to many weddings as a partner, never having met the couple, and just viewed it as a fancy piss up with my mates, probably he is viewing the christening a bit like this. Good luck.

RVPisnomore · 07/08/2012 20:58

You are making a big assumption that the girl doesn't know that he's going and that will be the end of the relationship. However you don't know that.

If he said wants her to be your daughters godmother then you might have a point bu he hasn't, he just wants to bring her along.

Sorry but I think you need to remove the judgey pants and put thm away or you're in danger of alienating your brother.

usualsuspect · 07/08/2012 21:01

YABU and a little bit uptight.