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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About brothers "girlfriend" coming to my daughter's christening

154 replies

Birdiegirl · 07/08/2012 19:58

I have only one brother and I asked him to be Godfather to our DD, she is our only child (not sure that matters but just to give you the full picture)

Anyway DB has decided to emigrate to Australia and should be gone by September. The christening is next Subday so no problems there.

The issue is my DB is shagging a 19 year old, he is 34. He has told me that he's only going out with this girl to fill in time until he leaves and once he goes to Aus it will be over.

He asked to bring her to the christening and DH and said we'd prefer if he didn't because (a) she's far too young for him in our opinion, (b) it's only a temporary thing and (c) we've never met her and the christening is a family occasion with only a couple of very close friends.

Now my brother is saying if he can't bring this girl then he won't go either. And my reply has been well if you don't come to your only niece's christening you'll never see her or me again.

So am I being unreasonable, should I back down and let him bring her?

Please be gentle, thanks.

OP posts:
CommaChameleon · 07/08/2012 22:02

Do you feel awkward because it is the first and probably only time you will meet her and you know that your brother has described the relationship he has with her as a way to pass the time until he leaves? And that you will meet her, knowing this, in church at your daughters christening?

I'm assuming since you are having her christened that religion is a part of your life and that his relationship and his attitude towards it don't sit comfortably with your values.

Would you feel better about it if you could meet her before the christening? Or is it really that she is a total stranger you will never see again and see no point in having her at your daughters special day?

wildfig · 07/08/2012 22:02

Do you even know if she'd come? It may well be she's busy discussing 'AIBU to want to skip the big family occasion with my four-night stand?' with her mates...

TellyBug · 07/08/2012 22:03

Some people like a bit of family drama.

Invite her. Be happy. Enjoy the day.

CommaChameleon · 07/08/2012 22:12

The OP said that only 2 non-related friends and their husbands are coming, but there will be a larger group of family there as well.

And she also explained the comment about never seeing her and her DD again, he said he would not go the christening or see them before he leaves but that he might see them in Australia instead if they go. She said in that case he wouldn't see them again as she will not be going to Australia. My BIL and SIL have emigrated there and I don't know if we will see them again. They have four children so flights here won't be cheap and I can't say I relish the thought of flying out there with DS for a few years yet either. Plus the costs and the length of time you would need to stay make it very difficult too. So that's not really an unreasonable comment.

I think the OP is getting quite a hard time, considering she's obviously posted while het up about all this. She has explained these comments and it's difficult to explain the entire situation properly in a short OP when your feelings are running high.

OP I've thought of another issue, are you worried that his turning up with his girlfriend will somehow upstage your DD if everyone is talking about the age gap and if she knows he's emigrating etc?

sweetkitty · 07/08/2012 22:12

I would just invite her personally.

My nieces brought two plus ones the first I knew about it was when they turned up late in the church, niece1s plus one was her best mate, niece2s was some wee 17 year old BF. hadn't met any of them before, hadn't known they were oming, thought shit hope there's enough buffet

DoItOnce · 07/08/2012 22:17

Ok, maybe horrifing is a bit strong. I don't think a big age gap is wrong but I stand by the fact that I would be concerned if a 34 year old started dating my 19 year old. A 34 year old should just be at such a different stage of their lives to a 19 year old. The OP's brother would be the type I would be worried about. Obviously the older the younger partner the less a big age gap matters.

I moved in with my DH when I was 18 and he was 24 and I thought he was old Grin

OldGreyWiffleTest · 07/08/2012 22:21

How will your DB fulfill his Godparent Promise if he is going to Australia and won't be around while your child is growing up?

NovackNGood · 07/08/2012 22:23

It's a Christening. Just invite her and have a great anecdote for the rest of your child life including for the kids 18th about when old uncle brought a 19 year old to the Christening.

dottyspotty2 · 07/08/2012 22:27

Thought horrifying was an insult to those of us that had big age gaps, glad you rephrased it, I'm 41 DH is 55 this month been together since I was 18.

Kladdkaka · 07/08/2012 22:27

My mum married my dad when she was 16 and he was 36. They were very happily married until he passed away 40+ years later. Age gaps mean nothing, it's the people involved and their relationship that counts.

Olympicnmix · 07/08/2012 22:31

He's being an arse. If my brother had told me he was bringing his short-term shag to my dcs' christening I'd be less than impressed. YANBU

Ask someone else to be godparent.

bogeyface · 07/08/2012 22:31

THat is still quite shocking though Kladdkaka.

How did your grandparents feel about it? I would be very Hmm if a 36 year old man wanted to go out with my 16 year dd tbh!

50shadesofslapntickle · 07/08/2012 22:35

I think you need to rethink who you have as godparent to your child - someone closer who sees your child more often would be much better?
Also - yanbu in not wanting her there as he is only shagging her and it is odd he is insisting she be there at such a close family gathering but don't fall out over it

DoItOnce · 07/08/2012 22:40

Funnily enough, my MIL and FIL had a 15 year age gap, with my MIL being the elder partner. They married when he was about 24. They moved to a new town and she lied about her age from then onwards. It was not a happy marriage though, however I don't think that was age related more that he was a bit of an arse.

dottyspotty2. Yes, sorry, I did not mean to be rude I was just referring to how I would feel if it was my actual 19 year old. I am not an old Mum myself and would find it a bit odd to say the least. I would be suspicious of the 34year olds intentions.

DoItOnce · 07/08/2012 22:42

Sorry for the hi-jacking of your thread OP.......

Back to the question everybody......

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 07/08/2012 22:44

He clearly doesn't appreciate the weight of being asked to be a Godfather. Probably he doesn't want to do it and mow he's found an easy excuse. Why have as s Godfather someone who is never going to be there for your DC?

CommaChameleon · 07/08/2012 22:48

Big age gaps are quite common in my family, 13 and 16 years are the biggest.

I suppose it could be a concern at first but the difference with all the examples being given here is that the relationships are serious and most seem to have ended in marriage and children. Nobody has announced they are just passing the time with someone for a few weeks but expect them to come to an important family occasion that may well be very emotional given that he is emigrating (perhaps that's why he wants her to come).

Would you mind her coming if he wasn't emigrating OP?

CommaChameleon · 07/08/2012 22:49

Actually that's a lie, my aunt is over 20 years older than her husband, I forgot about them (rarely see them).

Sallyingforth · 07/08/2012 22:59

How can he be a godfather if he's immediately buggering off to Australia?
Do you and he understand the commitment he will be making?
How can he fulfill that promise from the other side of the planet?

If it is to be a genuine christening rather than an excuse for a family pissup party, you need to find godparents who are actually going to be around for the child as it grows up.

Wowserz129 · 07/08/2012 23:04

Your not being unreasonable. It's your daughters christening and you don't know his gf.

He is being an immature brat saying he won't go and should respect your wishes! It's hardy that big a deal for the gf not too go!

Kladdkaka · 07/08/2012 23:22

THat is still quite shocking though Kladdkaka.

How did your grandparents feel about it? I would be very hmm if a 36 year old man wanted to go out with my 16 year dd tbh!

I think they were a bit Hmm, but over time came round. My Nan once told me that she couldn't have wished for a better son-in-law because he had proven that he was totally devoted to her daughter and had worked his knuckles to the bone to provide for Mum and us. She was right. I never once heard my parents argue and my mum was the centre of my dad's universe, right until he died.

DilysPrice · 07/08/2012 23:33

He is being an arse, but if you can't persuade him to back down then you need to cave in, it's annoying but shouldn't do you any harm beyond one more place at the buffet, and it's worth it not to part with your brother on bad terms.

Original poster
Birdiegirl · 08/08/2012 00:05

Hi all thanks for all the replies, definitely food for thought. I would like to try and answer a few of the questions asked if I can and hopefully give u the full picture.

(1) DH and I (and both our families) are RC, are regular church goers and our faith is important to us so this isn't just an excuse for a party, it's a really big day in our daughter's life. Yes anyone can attend the church on the day so I can't stop her just turning up there but that would involve a 2 hour drive for her.

(2) I absolutely hate any kind of drama, I just wanted a nice day for our DD. is it too much to ask that he just come and do his bit without causing a fuss. DB has form for causing a fuss. We asked him to be a groomsman at our wedding (as he is my only sibling, and thought it would be nice to include him). My DH was considering wearing a kilt on the day, when DB heard this he threw a wobbler and said he wouldn't do it, there was no way he'd wear a 'skirt' - cue another argument! Personally I think it's an honour to be asked to be part of someone's bridal party and should wear what you're asked. As it turned out we went with trousers in the end!

(3) I asked DB to be GF as again he is my only sibling, and before he decided to emigrate. TBH if I'd known he was going to Aus I might have thought twice about asking. I have two GPs that I never saw and wouldn't want that for DD as her GM lives in England (we're in NI).

(4) Yes the age difference is a factor BUT it's the nature of the relationship - she is basically just a f**k buddy. If it was anything more than that I wouldn't be overly concerned about the age gap.

(5) The invitation (given 2 months ago) was just to him as he said he wasn't in a relationship with anyone. He only mentioned in passing a couple of weeks ago his little f**k buddy, and when I asked what would happen when he went to Aus, he said that would be the end of it. Then when he asked if he could bring her I said we'd prefer if he didn't and he was fine about it. I only found out yesterday by accident that he had decided to bring her along anyway without telling us and just turn up on the day.

(6) My mother has some serious mental health issues - but that's a whole other thread. DB and I had become close over the years as she left us both damaged in our own ways by things shes said and done in the past. She has facilitated a lot of selfish behaviour in DB, and he is currently in counselling himself to help resolve some of these issues.

I suppose really it now boils down to this - one of us has to back down! Like someone said do I want to sacrifice my relationship with him over this? I just don't know. Part of me thinks it would be just easier to let him go to Aus and never see him again.

OP posts:
YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 08/08/2012 07:44

My personal thoughts are that he wants to show off his new bit of arm candy to the rest of the family.
He sounds very immature and i wouldn't want him as godfather if i were you

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 08/08/2012 07:48

Why would you ask somebody to be a godparent if your relationship with him is so dodgy that you'd banish him from your family if you didn't like his girlfriend?

Get another godparent or else stop being so controlling, I think.