I don't often reply to posts but I could not let this one go by. I feel your pain, i've been there.
I was in your position, except it was my ex-dh who was not interested. We went almost 10 yrs with no physical intimacy . Fertility issues worked in our favour in terms of conceiving is all I'm saying. On many levels, we loved each other but physical intimicacy was this ENORMOUS constant elephant in the room. It was this cloud that followed everywhere. . We had sex in the beginning but gradually he just lost interest and flatly refused to discuss ,engage etc. During that time, we had 2 lots of counsellings (6 months stretches), once after we married and once just before we agreed to call it a day. Nothing worked. I tried everything I could think of and then gradually stopped trying, the rejection was too much. I then spent years trying to tell myself it wasn't the be all and end all. I was in denial because coming from a family where divorce is prolific, I had promised myself I would never divorce my husband.
BUt I think you can only be in denial for so long and after some pretty earth shattering events (death, illness), I decided I couldn't do it anymore. Life is short. The turning point for me was imagining my daughter having a conversation wiht me in years to come, describing her marriage as being the same as mine and asking my advice. My instinctive response was she would deserve so much more. I realised I was 38 and this couldn't be the rest of my life.I wasn't ready to accept I would never have a physically loving relationship again.
After the initial upset, it was a relief all round. I am not going to lie and say it is easy, but it felt like the only honest thing to do. Ironically, it took us splitting for him to start actively parenting his children. I do find it difficult not seeing my girls every day and I miss them terribly. But they seem to be doing famously and their life is rich in many new way. there is no conflict between me and my ex, we are still friends so I live in grim hope that they will be unaffected in the long run. I still don't know why he was like this but I do realise now, it was his issue and not mine (for years I thought it was my fault). He has since remarried and I hope for his sake, the issue is now resolved. It could eat me up, the waste of those years but i made a conscious descision to leaave it all behind. I think the chemistry just wasn't there for him. I just wish he had said.
I am now with the most amazing man, who happens to have been a friend for years. And finally I am living what I hoped a loving relationship would be . OUr sex life is what I'd always hoped it could be and it helps cement the love and support between us. We are getting married next year.
I went through a grieving phase for my marriage, no-one wants to make these choices and I do still feel angry that the cost that I have to pay for his refusing to address these issues with me, is not having the priviledge is being with my children every day (although they are with me most of the time). I also know that if I had not tackled it, we would still be together, yet ironically he has remarried. What keeps me focused is thinking that now I have an opportunity to model a healthy relationship fo my children and that they get the best of me as I am so much happier. I hope that they understand when they are older, that me staying would have been so much worse for everyone in the long run.
I wish you well. It is a tough tough decision. Tke your time. Counselling is worth doing, you will know you tried everything. I hope you find peace in the decision yu will make. All the best.