to be on the verge of breaking up my family because of lack of sex?

[Namechangedthistime]

It's 6 years since we last DTD or had any intimate physical contact, including kissing, many more years since the decline started. The marriage is bearable but dull and unfulfilling apart from that. Two DC under 10. I crave intimacy, DW doesn't seem bothered at all by the lack and I'm 99% sure she could never get any desire for me. Starting counselling next week.

I want to stay at home with my kids but there's this massive, gaping hole in my life where intimacy should be that's just full of sadness, resentment and rejection.

AIBU?

I am in a sort of similar situation.

It has been the last 12 years out of an only 14 year marriage. My husband has zero sexual desire. BUT. We have fun together, laugh together, kiss and hug and he tells me that he loves me every day. (I have been to hell and back during this time, coming to terms with it)

But there's a huge difference between a fun and loving (but far from perfect, I assure you!) relationship and one where you're politely chatting about the weather from opposite ends of the living room. PIV isn't that big a deal (imo). Intimacy and love is. You, you poor sod, are in a relationship with no affection. That is no way to live.

You say you are going for counselling, that's good. I hope it works. But if I may offer some advice - see whether she loves you. If she loves you, but it is just sex she isn't interested in, then if you love her too - it doesn't have to be the end - unless you both want it to be. If you can be intimate and affectionate and it is just, pardon me for being so crude, an orgasm that is lacking, well, you can always do that yourself.

But that depends on whether love, affection and intimacy with no PIV is enough for you. It may not be. But perhaps the love and affection would come back if the pressure to have sex was removed? And who knows, if the love and affection are free to come back, then things might be different sexually in the end too.

Ywbu to break up the family just for lack of sex, but presumably this is a symptom of a bigger problem. Not feeling close to each other and not feeling loved or valued is obviously really serious and not surprised you can't carry on like that. I hope the counselling helps. Once you've sorted out the fundamentals, I'm sure you could find someone specialising in sex counselling and maybe work on those issues too. Good luck with it.

I don't think the Op is made to be a sex pest tbh.

The reality is that they both knew about the sex not being great at the start and sex not being great doesn't have to be the OP's DW responsibility (as she has sexual 'problems'). It could be the Op's issues or just incompatibility.
But one thing is sure the OP knew (as he said sex had never been great).

I don't think making love (as in having sex) is a need like eating or drinking. I think being loved is a need like this. And it doesn't have to be though sex.

On the other side, I did do what you did MrsBucketxx, ie make an effort, having sex even though I didn't quite feel like it. It meant loads of resentment from my side. Me becoming completely off sex with my partner (as 'Can't contemplate to do it ever again as felt so disgusting'). And he didn't quite enjoy it because to be fair, having sex with someone who is only doing it 'by duty' isn't much fun (ie it was even less great sex than it was before)
Hence why I would never advise someone 'just to get on with it and do it anyway for the sake of your marriage'.

I would find it a difficult situation to live with op. Sex and more importantly intimacy are really important to me and a basic need in a relationship. I can understand that the sex can wear off at times and isn't always practical but I think making time for a kiss and a cuddle is vital.

What happens if you make a move to cuddle her in bed or on the sofa? Does she push you away?

why would you feel resentment if you love and fact your partner??

atm op is getting nothing nada. no kisses nothing, DW doesn't love him in the way he wants.

maybe my marraige is odd there are unwritten rules that we would know if broken would end our marraige, no sex being one of them.

fancy not fact.

I think OP is being made out to be a sex pest.

I don't think he's even begging for sex. He's begging for affection.

If a woman posted this, saying her husband wouldn't even kiss her the responses would be very different. And I rarely pull that card but in this case it's true.

Feel free to PM me OP if you want to chat, I really hope counselling works for you and DW as it's obvious you love her very much. I second the suggestion, find out if she loves you, or if your marriage has become one of convenience.

I agree with you, lurking. It is so sad to think of someone in a marriage where they aren't even allowed to hold the other person. I can't imagine what that could do to you. And it isn't easy to walk away when you love someone and you just want them to love you back and you think that if you just hang on in there, maybe they'll love you again.

tearing up here.

TBH even at my age I've had affection withheld as a form of punishment so it's getting me teary too.

If a woman posted this exact OP, my first response probably would have been along the lines of emotional abuse because it's just so cruel, but I'm very hesitant to say that because as another poster said, she could have sexual abuse in her past, etc.

I know what it's like to lean in for a kiss and have the other person pull away. Not being allowed to cuddle takes so much away. How can you watch a movie under a blanket if she won't even touch you? :(

Again, teary

everyone deserves to be loved :(

Agree MrsBucket. And before anyone jumps in, yes OP's DW may very well love him, but she certainly isn't showing it. :(

It sounds like a very hard situation.

I would say YANBU to end the relationship. I had a simalar situation (but without kids) with my ex, I was the woman and we were sexually incompatible from the start. I was 16 when we got together and stayed with him for 8 years. I didn't think there was anything else in life other than that form of relationship. I loved him and I still do in a way, but the sex was just no fun. I was the one saying no and we did have sex around once a month but i hated it.

When I ended the relationship I felt like I was floating, it was the most amazing feeling. I am in another relationship now and it is so very different. I am so glad I didn't just settle for the first relationship, I couldn't imagine having the feelings around sex that I had before. I am a much happier calmer more confident person now.

good luck.

I only got to page 1 before having to go, so after this paragraph are the replies I wrote up to that point. I really do appreciate everyone's support and advice, and the offer of PMs from Lurking. One problem I've got is that I'm a talker and need to talk things through with people, whereas she bottles it up and afaik hasn't discussed this with a soul yet.

Megatron - "How do you feel about your wife, do you love her? is it sex you want or sex with her?" I'm fond of her. I'm still very attracted to her and I'd rather have sex with her than go elsewhere. I'm not interested in going shagging, I need the intimacy more than the in-and-out.

Lurking - been married 16 years, together for 3 years before that. It was never really magical, and there were always problems. Yeah, I know. By about 10 years the sex had gone down to a dutiful couple of times a year. We spend a lot of time together as a family, probably too much really - neither of us has much of a life outside the home and work. I think she probably has had periods of depression, as I have, but the intimacy problems predate this.

Jumpingthroughhoops - we just kind of drifted along. I know, I know. I don't know how much help counselling will be but I wanted to give it a go. It's not as if she sees me as a cash cow, she's not like that.

HidingfromDD - I'm glad you're happy now. That's reassuring. Even more so that your kids are happy and understand.

Wigglewoo - it's crap, isn't it? It's not as if it's done with any malice, it's just the way it goes.

FollowingtheTao - I'm aware that I'm speaking of sex rather than making love, but what I really mean is intimacy. Sex just seems like an easier term to use. I take your point though. I also agree about sharing the responsibility.

MrsBucketXX - Setting a date just adds pressure, which is the natural enemy of passion (or so I'm led to believe)!

Better get to work. Thanks for the replies and thoughts, everyone.

Perhaps she's withholding affection because, for whatever reason, she doesn't want it to lead to sex ? I think I'd concentrate - perhaps with help of counseling - on seeing if some friendly and loving affection (with no other pressure) could be re-introduced to your relationship ? Agree with Hecate really - I think some expression of affection is needed in a good enough relationship. How much I think does vary between individuals and couples.

I might well stay for the sake of the children - but I'm sure I'd often be reviewing the situation. Best of luck to you all whether you stay living together or you and DW go your separate ways. I hope you can find good ways forward for you all.

Just to clarify - I think the lack of any intimacy or physical contact, even non-sexual, is out of fear that I'd take it as a green light (I wouldn't, but it would kindle hope). And the talk of emotional abuse doesn't sit well with me - she hates what the situation is doing to me and seeing how unhappy it's made me. It's not a path she's chosen, she's a good and kind person.

Then that at least is within your control. To separate intimacy from sex. To make her understand that a cuddle and closeness will not lead to you asking for more. Once she truly believes that, she may want to bring back the affection. Which would be so good for you both.

Oh, and if she feels guilty about being close because she doesn't want to get your hopes up, then she may think she is being kind, but she needs to believe that you can enjoy a cuddle for itself and without expecting it to develop into something else.

I wasn't meaning she was being emotionally abusive, I apologise. I was just saying that would be my natural response if you were a female posting.

Hopefully counselling can help her see allowing cuddles and kisses doesn't have to lead anywhere to begin with, I really hope you can pull through! Maybe spend more time together as a couple without the kids? You know, just making each other laugh etc.

mmmmm I dunno tbh. I always remember someone telling me that love is knowing you could still be with someone if, god forbid, they had an accident that meant they couldnt 'do it' anymore. And for me sex is a bonus in my relationship with DP, its not an integral part of it, its not what makes me love him and want to be with him IYSWIM.

Saying that you are not in the accident situation so its different. Im not much use, sorry

I don't think any amount of counselling is going to make your DW want to have sex with you, to be honest. It all sounds pretty miserable. I don't think you are self-pitying at all, I think you have every right to feel unhappy. So no, YANBU.

But Hairylemon, Op's DW won't be affectionate in any way. No kisses.

I'm sure (I know personally) that people who suffer accidents that stop them being able to perform don't just cut off intimacy with their loved one.

OP had the same issue last week. DP announced that he didn't want to have sex with me ever again. I wrote in relationships about it.

It was suggested he may have deeper issues or be cheating or be preparing to leave etc. I have struggled with the idea of breaking up my family because of my selfish needs.

It feels like the person I am in relationship with has disappeared and now I'm expected to live along side his twin brother.

DP refuses to discuss it. But now I'm left wanting things to improve but knowing if they do it will just be because of my needs and not his.

So anyway this is only after 18 months of no contact (DS is 10months). I haven't decided what to do yet but if the relationship continues like this I don't think I can make it to 6 years with nothing.

Hecate - I would like the full package, but I'd settle for affection with attendant fiddling about, IYSWIM . "well, you can always do that yourself" Only for a certain number of years before it's just lonely and depressing, in my experience. Again,

We try having a cuddle on the sofa every year or so. Lasts about a day. Too weird.

FollowingtheTao - agree totally about duty-sex. That's just as broken as no sex, probably more so.

Ana - I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it truly sucks doesn't it? I hope it gets better for you. I think the longer it goes on for, the harder it is to regain. Don't know if that's any help.

namechange, I have to say you sound like a very nice guy tbh.

I can only give what has been my own experience and of course, it could be very different for your DW.

I think that separating affection/intimacy and sex is very important. And also for her (and you) to really feel it's OK to have a cuddle, a passionate kiss but it doesn't have to lead to full sex after. Now my experience is that my partner finds that very difficult.
To be blunt, if we have a passionate kiss, he will get an erection and will be ready for more straight away. And he will try and do some moves to go along that sort if lines (Nothing bad I assure you, but I know that's where he wants to go iyswim). When, for whatever reason, you don't want to go PIV, it is difficult to deal with because it means I have to push him away (or stop him) which then makes me feel bad about it. It seems that, for me at least, it is easier to do.

I also don't agree with the 'emotional abuse' thing. Withholding sex is abuse when you do it to hurt the other person, as a way to get your own back etc... But if you don't have sex because you don't want to ...well, you don't. Why should you be 'made' to have sex or be accused to be abusive?

Having said all that, counselling is probably the way to go so you can find ways to reconnect again.
I would also say, for each of you, to rediscover yourself and who your are on your own. Having a life of your own, learning to enjoy life (or the rest of your life) so it isn't just work and family. Nothing is as unattractive than someone who is miserable and expecting the other to do something to 'make' him/her happy.
And then perhaps, spending some time together with no dcs, out of the house (then sex is NOT on the agenda) doing something you both enjoy.

How does it sounds to you?

followingthetao - the expression 'making love' makes lots of people want to puke, including me. So I don't think use of the word 'sex' instead of 'making love' (vom) is relevant.