to be on the verge of breaking up my family because of lack of sex?

[Namechangedthistime]

It's 6 years since we last DTD or had any intimate physical contact, including kissing, many more years since the decline started. The marriage is bearable but dull and unfulfilling apart from that. Two DC under 10. I crave intimacy, DW doesn't seem bothered at all by the lack and I'm 99% sure she could never get any desire for me. Starting counselling next week.

I want to stay at home with my kids but there's this massive, gaping hole in my life where intimacy should be that's just full of sadness, resentment and rejection.

AIBU?

Following - you sound like a very nice guy tbh thanks, but remember you're only hearing my side of events

I don't know if hugging, cuddling etc would ever lead to kissing, let alone anything further. She said once that it'd be 'like with a family member', which I took pretty much as a death-knell. I'm going to be interested to hear what the counsellor says.

Oh, and I think I misunderstood the 'emotional abuse' up-thread. No one's suggested that in relation to my situation.

Sadly, I think if she said that she sees you as a family member I'm not sure if there's any way back from that. I have a suspicion my exh was the same, as the real issues started after I became 'mum' and no longer a sexual person to him.

In the interests of giving all the facts, I did have the discussion about meeting 'needs' elsewhere. He basically said I should do what I wanted to do, and as long as we kept up appearances he was ok with it. I did try that for a few months. It clarified that was I was missing was the intimacy and the affection, not just the sex. It also confirmed to me that I am not cut out for that type of 'compartmentalised' life, and I don't think it would have been a good relationship model for the children either.

After a rocky few years, we now amicably co-parent. I'm still very fond of him, but in the same way as I'm fond of close friends and siblings, I would be very happy if he found someone else to be in his life. As for me, well, I've done the 'internet dating' thing, met a few (quite a few) 'casual' friends that way and had some fun. I've not found the person who I can be with for the affection and intimacy (sadly hampered by the fact that I'm still longing for the ' few months' man, but that's another story) but life is so much clearer when I'm no longer waiting for a sign of affection that never comes.

I wish you well in whatever you do, it's never easy

Fuck me SIX YEARS???

No advice but I really hope something works out for you both.

I too am 39 and have been in a sexless marriage since i was 23. Dh is older than me (62) Its been 16 years here but in that time ive had a one night stand and a long term affair.Dh became ill 6 years ago so for the first 10 of the 16 years without sex he didnt want it and for the last six years he cant. He hasnt hugged or kissed me for years and because its been too long i no longer want that with him either. But since i posted on a thread about sexless marriages on here last summer ive found a lot of support and ive come to realise NO ONE has the right to enforce celibacy on another person and they certainly dont have the right to then act all hurt if an affair occurs. To keep you only unto them is a marriage vow but so is With my body i thee worship.

Of course im not referring to those months after a baby is born. im not referring to months without sex but years.

Hiding from DD my DH said the same thing to me a couple of years ago "do what you need to do. Just please be discreet about it"

HidingfromDD / Carernotasaint - the 'be discreet' option isn't one I think either of us would be happy with. As you found, Hiding,it's the intimacy more than the sex I need, and DW would be devastated by it. I can't figure out why she feels she still has a claim on my sexuality, but I know she would be and I don't want to hurt her. Apart from that though, after so long (it's been many more than 6 years since it was fun and uninhibited), I'm erm...kinda unsure of myself and I'd need to be with someone I trusted and who wasn't expecting an instant hit .

I think the sort of split you've got is where I see it going, Hiding. I think it's essential to stay friends to co-parent, and I'd like to be able to still do stuff together. I hope that given the history, a future partner wouldn't feel threatened by that. I'd love for DW to meet someone and be happy, too.

It's reactions like that, Whois, that reassure me that IANBU

You seem to be talking already about an inevitable split.

I have read your posts and it seems like my life is similar, except it is my DH is not interested in sex. He doesn't enjoy intimacy, he is incredibly shy (even with his wife). We have been together 10 years. We have 2 young children, which is almost a miracle that we managed to get pregnant given the lack of sex.
If my Dh does get frisky I feel very awkward, almost like a teenager again. It happens about once every 8-12 months. My DH suffers from anxiety and also (I believe) a complete fear that I will get pregnant. We have had sex so few times over the last 6 years I have got pregnant almost every time (I have also had 2 miscarriages). He really wanted the children, so I didn't trick him or force him to have them. He just doesn't want any more.

I really find it hard not having any other intimacy. I don't feel very loved. He doesn't naturally just give me a kiss or a cuddle. I wish he would. I feel quite empty.

I wonder if a split is inevitable for us. I really don't want to break up our family, not just because of our kids but because I really hope we can work through this.

I don't know if it is inevitable, Humblebumble, but I think it's heading that way. It overshadows a lot of my life now - hate to sound like a pervy old man, but the physical frustration (and attendant resentment, self-doubt, blah blah) has just risen up to a level where it's disturbing my sleep and changes a lot of my interaction with her. I understand that it's simply not something she's able to do.

I'm sorry you're in that situation. If his lack of desire comes from anxiety though, wouldn't some sort medical intervention help, either pharmacological or psychotherapy? And if you're both happy with 2 kids, couldn't he get the snip?

OP has not said that his wife does not give affection. He said she doesn't want sex. It could well be that because she don't have sex with him he can't show affection to her. It could be that every attempt to get close, a kiss or reaching out for a hug is interpreted as sexual so she avoids it. Love does not equal sex. Sex can be one manifestation of love. No sex does not equal no love. Why is everyone assuming the lack of affection is all the fault of the wife? She might love him but just want no sex. He might be the one who has withdrawn affection because he's feeling unloved because he's not getting his end away. We've only heard one side after all.

The problem is sex and differing expectations of it in a marriage. With luck the counselling may help.

The ting is, if something is withheld from you without your consent it does become the thing you obsess about. It's like people on a diet craving chocolate. This is not the same as people who say they haven't had sex for a few years from their choice and now no longer miss it. This is someone you have made a commitment to 'share' your sexuality solely with who is saying 'I have decided you are not going to have sex for the rest of your life because I don't want it'

It really made me grumpy (to put it mildly ), and I tried many times to get him to engage in sorting this out but he just wasn't interested, hence the discussion on going elsewhere. I can still confidently say I didn't 'cheat' on my husband, even though I had an affair. However, I did feel like I was cheating my children because I was lying, and also disengaging, and that didn't feel right.

I think if we had stayed together (with me having 'liaisons' outside) they would have noticed before too long and it would have damaged my relationship with my children irreversibly. As it was, things were rocky with the eldest for a while as she could see it was me who 'changed' (I spent 6 months working on myself, to the extent that people actually didn't recognise me!) but, as said previously, she's now comfortable with the fact that we were two people who just grew apart (which is how we both present it)

If she's avoiding hugs (Op said they cuddle once a year?! Bloody Hell ) and kisses because she thinks they may lead to sex, then yes she is withholding affection. Cuddles and kisses are affection.

I really feel for you OP :(

This is someone you have made a commitment to 'share' your sexuality solely with who is saying 'I have decided you are not going to have sex for the rest of your life because I don't want it'

Hidding are you saying that it means you should have sex with your partner even though you on't feel like it because... you have made a commitment? That the fact you don't want to should trump the fact that the other partner wants to have sex? One person needs over the other is OK?

isn't that the point following, making someone do anything they don't want to either way is wrong.

DW is not showing any affection , but is not letting op go and get what he needs elsewhere. Thats just cruel, in a "i don't want you, but no one else can have you either" kind if way.

i was in a similar situation to dw and i knew i would lose the person i loved if "I" didn't change. DW needs to decide if she really loves op, surely making love to the person your mad about is easy peasy.

i have seen this situation in my last job over and over again, i was a pa for a director to a sex contacts web site. thousands of mainly men with sexless relationships looking for what they need else where. sad but true.

I think the crux of the issue is OP needs to find out why DW wants no sex. Sadly, I think saying she sees him as a family member says it all. :(

If she honestly views her husband like a brother, it's not fair to expect the marriage to continue unless OP is okay with that sort of relationship.

OP, I think sadly you have three options: counselling and trying to regain a healthy sex life you can both compromise and agree on and work towards. This option only works if DW wants it because she wants it, not because she doesn't want to lose you.

Option two: Divorce, hopefully amicably and can co-parent

Option three: Accept your wife sees you like a family member and resign yourself to a life of forced celibacy.

Obviously there's also the option of an open marriage, but OP has said that would make DW very miserable and he craves the intimacy and affection, which I assume you don't get from one night stands.

FollowingTheTao - I understood Hiding's comment to mean not 'you have made a commitment therefore you must have sex whether you want to or not', but rather 'you made a commitment, if you choose to break it (by not having sex in this case) you cannot expect your spouse to uphold their end of the commitment (to honour the marriage).

What I am trying to say here isn't that the OP should just learn to cope with it or accept it and that's the end of it.

What I don't agree is to put blame on one of the partners because there is a sexless marriage. Granted the DW hasn't had an accident that stops her from having sex. But there might be a lot of other things that might have happen that can explain her behaviour. And the reality is that not wanting to have sex doesn't mean that you don't love the person any more or that you don't want to live with them any more.
Of course, when you want to split, it is much easier to put the blame on the other person, but I think that putting the blame of someone 'because they don't feel like having sex' is crap. (Note: this is obviously different if someone is withholding sex.).

surely making love to the person your mad about is easy peasy is just bullshit tbh. You might love someone but be depressed, exhausted and not want to have sex with your partner.
However, telling someone that if they loved their partner, then they should have sex with them is very damaging. Talk about pressure to 'be the good wife and satisfy your husband' whatever is going on .

As to keep your commitment to the marriage, well actually I would not put sex as a requirement. I would put love as a requirement and being respectful.
The Op is actually taking about intimacy rather sex as such. He is talking about feeling loved which is a very different ball game.
If a relationship has come to a state where the two partners do not love each other and do not have any intimacy at all (emotional, deep personal thoughts etc... not just physical intimacy), then there is a big issue in the marriage. And yes these are good reasons to end a relationship.
But if there is any respect in the relationship left, then no partner should feel they can make any demand re sex. Ie one partner can not 'demand' or expect sex (because it's part of your marriage commitment) nor can they withhold sex or expect the other partner to live wo sex wo having tried to redress the situation/do something about the cause of the problem.

So I don't think he is being unreasonable to say 'I have enough' because his DW doesn't seem to want to do anything about her lack of sex drive/libido. But it would be wrong to put all the responsibility on the DW for the situation (we actually don't know what has brought his DW to that point. For all we know, there might be other very big issues in the marriage that the OP hasn't talked about) and blaming her to the impending divorce.

What's with the implications this must be somehow the OP's fault?

But I didn't say that either ....
I am talking about shared responsibilities (which is what happens in most cases anyway) and the fact that, as we don't know the reason why the DW is acting that way, we can't make her solely responsible.
How is that making the Op responsible for it??

Or is it that there HAS to be someone responsible/someone to blame?

i would leave if i were you

i couldn't live with someone who didn't want to touch me or hold me

intimacy is tied up in every single aspect of our lives together and to not have that would just be too sad.

For the person who said should yu have sex even if you don't want it-then i think that if you NEVER want to have sex then yes sometimes you should go with it. The phrase fake it till you make it springs to mind!

Gosh this is sad.
OP - when asked how you felt about your wife you said that you are 'fond of her'. She said she views you as a family member, presumably one she is 'fond' of. Perhaps you're lovely polite people who are fond of each other but not in love?

Of course we only hear one side on here. That's true of any issue about relationships.

However, judging by the ops posts , the tone not simply content, I honestly Cannot see what more he can do to try to repair the marriage. Many people would actually be doing far less and would not feel as concerned about protecting the other partners feelings as the op does. I think the op feels a great sense of responsibility to his wife and children, and is desperately trying to find a solution, but he cant do that alone.

Btw the issue about marriage vows- of course they don't mean 'the right to have sex absolutely whenever, regardless of whether the other partner is knackered, depressed, just given birth etc! Thats a ridiculous interpretation. But it does mean the right to an intimate sexual relationship, which is precisely what the wife is denying her husband. The op also mentions that she still feels she has a 'claim' on him sexually which is just awful; she is preventing him from moving forward in any way whatsoever

there is a reason that the marriage vows say 'with my body i thee worship'!!