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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be on the verge of breaking up my family because of lack of sex?

135 replies

Namechangedthistime · 07/08/2012 05:42

It's 6 years since we last DTD or had any intimate physical contact, including kissing, many more years since the decline started. The marriage is bearable but dull and unfulfilling apart from that. Two DC under 10. I crave intimacy, DW doesn't seem bothered at all by the lack and I'm 99% sure she could never get any desire for me. Starting counselling next week.

I want to stay at home with my kids but there's this massive, gaping hole in my life where intimacy should be that's just full of sadness, resentment and rejection.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JugglingWithFiveRings · 08/08/2012 09:33

A lifetime of having sex with the same person can maybe be too long for some people.

Perhaps some of the trouble is with the institution of marriage. And not everyone may be very clear about what exactly they are signing up to.

I'd kind of agree that in a marriage you are promising to love and respect one another. You can't really promise that there will always be sex as there are so many unknowns.

janey68 · 08/08/2012 09:35

No one has to get married if it's not for them.

JugglingWithFiveRings · 08/08/2012 09:38

But it has always been put forward by society as the expected thing to do ?

janey68 · 08/08/2012 09:40

It's also entirely socially acceptable to separate or divorce. The ops wife doesn't seem to want to do anything to change the status quo. If she doesn't want marriage any more she should be proactive about letting him go- since she is the one who seems to have decided she doesn't want a marital relationship

Ormiriathomimus · 08/08/2012 10:16

Agree with Tao. She is doing something, she is going to counselling unless I misread the op.I think that most of you who are putting all the blame on the wife have never been in her position. It may be that she isn't happy - op said as much in one post- but she doesn't know what to about it or feels too humiliated to find help. It really isn't simple, not much about human relationships is ime.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 08/08/2012 10:33

I'm only 34; I think about the fact you're 39 and you have been in a sexless marriage for 6 years and there's no physical touch either and I just feel so so sorry for you Sad YANBU. I think I'd start to die a little inside everyday, with treatment like that.

Are you afraid if you did end things, that you'd barely see the kids? That it would be acrimonious and difficult?

This is no way to live at all. My ExH never felt like it, sadly he then found his labido with a girl 10 years my junior. I do remember the horrid feelings of rejection and low self esteem I suffered from his rebuffs. But we did still hug and kiss before the affair.

Do you look after yourself and keep yourself in shape? Although I think her issues run deeper than that Sad I hope the counselling helps you both, I really do.

HidingFromDD · 08/08/2012 12:59

Just to clarify, I absolutely agree that no one should be expected to have sex if they don't want to. However, I believe it is morally wrong to expect the other person to remain committed to a 'no sex outside the marriage' when there partner has said she doesn't expect/want/imagine to have sex with them again.

I believe that the only way to resolve it is to openly talk about the options available. Maybe the op would be able to remain in a sexless marriage if the affection and intimacy (mental, not sexual) are restored, maybe they agree to be open, maybe the dw could try some 'other' forms of sexual intimacy without going for full Piv (and no, I'm not suggesting a hand job just to keep him quiet, I'm suggesting that there may be alternatives she would be happy with as well).

Original poster
namechangedthistime · 08/08/2012 13:07

Answering a lot of posts in a jumble here:

I think it's very valid to raise the point that you're only hearing my side of things. Although I'm trying to be as objective as possible, obviously my account is going to be biased towards putting myself in a good light. There's nothing I'd change for veracity, although there are details I've missed out - mostly because DW would be utterly mortified to know that I posted them. She would be to know that I'd posted this much but although she'll probably never see it, it feels disloyal to take it too far.

The decline started years ago, when the physical side wasn't awkward but wasn't completely fulfilling for DW (we were both in our early 20s, but kind of young). In trying to make it better we just made it awkward and self-conscious and a lot of spontaneity and fun went out of it. That became the norm and eventually it stopped. Since then I feel as if I've been on the back foot and responding to her, because any attempt by me to change things is seen as pressuring.

I'm pretty sure that I haven't interpreted affectionate non-sexual contact as a green-light, but she might differ on that. Presumably we'll discuss that at counselling - I'm very glad that she's finally agreed to get counselling.

I wouldn't want sex out of a sense of duty from her. That'd just be sad and depressing and I'd feel like a rapist. No offence to people for whom this works.

I've put on a few pounds (haven't we all by 39 Smile?) but I look OK. I asked her the other day and she said I was 'above average' looking. I don't think I'd be starved of female attention if I was looking, not on grounds of being hideous anyway. Good personal hygiene, dress OK etc. Own teeth and hair. Generally come across as confident and cheerful in most situations. I don't shirtk with the house and kids, although I could probably do more. I'm happy doing it, but tend to leave the planning and organisation to her.

I know that if I wasn't forcing the issue, she'd never do anything to try to change things. That's why I'm sceptical of any softly-softly long-term plan to reintroduce intimacy - she just doesn't have a vested interest in it, and I know that the thought of it is quite distasteful to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedthistime · 08/08/2012 13:17

lurking:
^OP, I think sadly you have three options: counselling and trying to regain a healthy sex life you can both compromise and agree on and work towards. This option only works if DW wants it because she wants it, not because she doesn't want to lose you.

Option two: Divorce, hopefully amicably and can co-parent

Option three: Accept your wife sees you like a family member and resign yourself to a life of forced celibacy.

Obviously there's also the option of an open marriage, but OP has said that would make DW very miserable and he craves the intimacy and affection, which I assume you don't get from one night stands.^

Option three isn't an option to me any more. I just can't handle it. Four doesn't appeal - I think some cultures can do this well, but we don't here. So that leaves one and two...

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 08/08/2012 13:50

"I know that the thought of it is quite distasteful to her."

Oh that makes me so sad to read Sad On the receiving end of that, if that was me, I'd feel awful.

It's hard to know what to do in your shoes, but you have had some good advice.

I'm divorced and I can say that I get on better with my ExH now than when we were married, we have a great co parenting relationship and the kids see him lots. But my situation is unusual, even so the DCs still struggle with it all at times and wish we were still together, even 3 years on.

The counselling is the best solution and you're going to do it. Will you keep us all updated? It would be lovely to hear if things do improve and you both find a way forward that works for you both and the DCs.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 15:04

your wife considers intimacy with you as "distasteful" ?

game over, sorry

MrsBucketxx · 08/08/2012 16:10

i cant see how you can move forward from that comment. i would be looking to leave if it was me.

looks like a case of i love you, im just not in love with you.

solidgoldbrass · 08/08/2012 16:16

It really does sound as though your best option is an amicable separation. A good counsellor will help the two of you work this out: it seems from your OP that neither of you bears the other any malice.

But it's quite wrong for someone to insist that, just because they have no llibido, their partner must be celibate forever. If you don't want sex with your partner, it's no longer your business who s/he has sex with. It's just as bad as trying to insist on your partner allowing sex on his/her body against his/her wishes.

JugglingWithFiveRings · 08/08/2012 19:46

That seems a little harsh sgb where you say "Just because they have no libido ..." and "It's just as bad as ...."

I'm not sure it is just as bad

LindsayWagner · 08/08/2012 19:58

It's definitely not 'just as bad'. That's an awful thing to say.

carernotasaint · 08/08/2012 20:13

But it's quite wrong for someone to insist that, just because they have no llibido, their partner must be celibate forever.

I actually spoke to someone from Womens Aid about this and they said it was controlling.

Original poster
namechangedthistime · 08/08/2012 22:22

Mrsbucket - that's the whole point of my post! Should I be willing to go just because of the lack of physical intimacy? We're still close in many ways. I dunno. No easy answers.

SGB - I agree with you on a logical level, but when you involve someone you care about and have a lot of shared history with, it's not that easy.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 09/08/2012 00:06

OK, (I'm going to use A and B rather than 'you' so it doesn't get too confusing or make anyone feel that they, personally, are being addressed) If A who is in a relationship with B wants a lot more sex than B then it's something to be discussed and a reasonable compromise reached eg A agreeing not to pester, not to take every affectionate gesture as a green light for orgasm-producing activities, and to listen and act on any issues B might have with specific sexual activities or A's technique. And also for A to listen to and act on any other issues B might have, such as feeling taken for granted or hurt or insulted.

Or there's the option of agreeing, as amicably as possible, that A & B are so sexually mismatched that they can't continue as a monogamous couple or as a couple at all.

If B has no libido at all and has never much liked sex and doesn't want to engage in it ever again, then it's something to be discussed and a compromise reached. Which doesn't have to involve B engaging in sex when s/he really doesn't want to; the compromise might involve A & B agreeing that A will not interpret hugs, kisses etc as a cue for orgasm producing activities but B agreeing to engage in hugs and kisses from time to time and/or B agreeing to A seeking orgasm-producing activities outside the relationship as long as discretion is observed.

Things that are wrong are: A insisting on having sex on B at stated intervals, or B insisting that A not only doesn't make any sexual overtures but must remain in the relationship and not seek sex elsewhere.

JugglingWithFiveRings · 09/08/2012 00:17

That all sounds admirably thorough and fair enough sgb - but it is sad if a relationship has to end isn't it ?

solidgoldbrass · 09/08/2012 00:25

Yes, it's sad, but not as sad as continuing a relationship that is making at least one person miserable.

Whatmeworry · 09/08/2012 00:34

6 years is too long, no one should have to put up with that. Do whatever you have to now. Counsellihg may work (I doubt it from what you've written) so try it 1st - but I suspect you already know its going to resolve into mistress, leave or put up with it.

Original poster
namechangedthistime · 09/08/2012 05:45

Written like a lawyer, SGB Smile

Whatmeworry - yeah, that seems pretty much like the options I've got.

OP posts:
broodyandpoor · 09/08/2012 05:53

Im sure I remember your other posts and I'm surprised that you're still putting up with this situation, it is quite extreme to be without sex for such a long period, you seem like a respectful and good guy so even if you feel bad for ending it maybe a year down the line of you're having a healthy and for-filling sex life you may look back and think, 'what took me so long'?

janey68 · 09/08/2012 07:10

That would be a great scenario broody. But I suspect even if he's not in a new relationship or having amazing sex, he could be feeling a whole lot better, simply because not having sex but knowing that it's not being witheld by someone is very different to just not having sex because you're not currently with someone you want to have sex with.

fluffyraggies · 09/08/2012 07:43

Yes, i agree. Being alone through making the choice to leave - but with the hope of finding a new relationship - is surely preferable to struggling on in this way.

OP how do you feel about the thought that both of you may in fact benefit from a split? She too may find love with someone else and rediscover her physical side.

Would you/have you ever been able to discuss this with her?