to be on the verge of breaking up my family because of lack of sex?

[Namechangedthistime]

It's 6 years since we last DTD or had any intimate physical contact, including kissing, many more years since the decline started. The marriage is bearable but dull and unfulfilling apart from that. Two DC under 10. I crave intimacy, DW doesn't seem bothered at all by the lack and I'm 99% sure she could never get any desire for me. Starting counselling next week.

I want to stay at home with my kids but there's this massive, gaping hole in my life where intimacy should be that's just full of sadness, resentment and rejection.

AIBU?

It doesn't sound just like a 'lack of sex', and personally that would be reason enough. SIX years?! YADNBU. I really hope the counselling helps, and intimacy returns to your marriage. So sorry to read this though, what an awful way to live.

Fuck NO you are NOT being unreasonable!

There are serious intimacy problems in your marriage. If your marriage does end. it's not you who broke up the family BTW.

"If your marriage does end. it's not you who broke up the family BTW. "

But I'm the one who can't carry on like this. She'd be OK staying as we are. I hate the thought of not seeing my DC every night and them missing me.

No way could I live like that, no hugging or kissing my own husband makes me sad thinking about it. Sex wouldn't bother me so much as there are other ways to express love.

I hope counselling helps you both to get the intermacy back into your relationship.

I'd view it as a form of cheating TBH but then again I'm a horny 20 year old. The rejection you must feel...I truly sympathise.

I hope that in counselling she can explain why she feels no need for intimacy. Sex aside, no snuggling watching the Olympics, kissing, hand holding etc isn't normal.

Best of luck Namechanged, keep us updated.

Never thought of it as a form of cheating. It's not her fault, it's just the way the cookie crumbled.

"But then again I'm a horny 20 year old" - I'm a horny 20 year old trapped in the body of a frustrated 39 year old, which doesn't help matters!

Thanks for your support though.

I'm assuming that you have discussed this with her many times. What does she say?

Not much to say anymore. We never really clicked sexually and it just got more awkward as time went on. Sometimes she says we could try, slowly and gradually, to get it going by doing more stuff together, but we haven't got much in common and she's got no motivation other than to stop me leaving - I think as soon as the immediate danger of me going had subsided, so would her efforts. I don't think she'd be able to, tbh. Last time I suggested it she grimaced and said it'd be too weird.

Enough self-pity from me now

LittleMissTickles - it's not just me then, other people would find this an 'awful way to live' too?

You need to carefully consider what the alternatives are. It's possible you could separate and then not find another partner and still have no sex or intimacy in your life. Look very closely on how you think you would be living and compare it to how things are now before you make a decision.

Obviously, you may the relationship you want with someone else if you leave but it's not a given. I suspect that if you stay where you are with no changes though you are ripe for an affair

I'm speaking as someone who was in exactly the same position as you were. I eventually left when children were 12 & 13. The thought of being on my own was preferable to living desperate for some sign of affection that never came. We now do shared care, week on/week off. Would this be possible for you?

Oh, and although I don't have the relationship I'd like (possibly partly due to me tbh, I think I'm wary of commitment now), I do have a number of 'casual' relationships and lots of sex . It's now 3 years on and I'm ten years older than you

YANBU, what a sad situation and how devastating for your self esteem. Do you have any idea why this decline started? I don't mean to point the finger but did you do anything (like cheat etc) that could have contributed. Sorry, that sounds really terrible but I was just curious as to whether there were any unresolved issues behind it.

By the way, this "last time I suggested [sex] she said it would be too weird" is not a marriage.

How do you feel about your wife, do you love her? is it sex you want or sex with her? it must be really difficult for you not to have any affection. Has she had any significan issues in her life like depression or bereavement?

Is she depressed? I know lots of people can be quite content with celibacy, but it's not fair to force that on someone else. What gets me is the lack of intimacy. If she didn't want sex but was affectionate in other ways (eg. kissing) you'd have more room for counselling I think. Can you suggest counselling? Would your wife go?

Honestly the hurt I'd feel if a partner told me I was weird for wanting sex would be huge. Desperately clinging to any scraps of affection of physical intimacy you can get is not a healthy marriage.

OP, can you give us more of a back story? How long have you been married, how regular was your sex life beforehand, was this a sudden change six years ago or was it gradually declining before that? How is your marriage in other aspects, do you spend time together as a couple/family etc?

Just trying to get into your wife's head a bit more.

Please don't feel guilty for 'rocking the boat' so to speak. No one should be expected to live in a sexless marriage unless it's something that's been agreed to by both parties. I think you've been amazingly patient to get this far to be honest!

I really hope the counceling helps. You're going about this the right way.

HidingfromDD (love the name!) - I know, there's always the risk that it'll just be me on my own. At least I'd have taken matters into my own hands, although it's easy to say that now. I don't have the logistical skills for an affair and I know it'd devastate DW, although I find that a little bizarre. It'd make things too unpleasant, too - at the moment things are generally fairly amicable although there does seem to be a decline in that.

Are you happier now?

Neverquitesure - it was pretty much sexual incompatibility leading to awkwardness and a complete loss of desire for me on her part. We probably handled it clumsily way back when, but it was never wonderful.

Wow. It sounds unbearable and a very unnatural situation. YANBU to be feeling as you are.

As someone with a healthy sex drive how did you end up marrying someone with whom you never really clicked sexually? Genuine question...sorry if nosey

May I ask why you continued with the relationship and got married if you were so sexually incompatible?

Do you think therapy/councelling will help or is it more deep rooted on her part?

There could be a million and one reasons behind this. That could range from a genuinely low libido, Deeply buried sexual abuse isues in childhood, a highly religious upbringing where sex was viewed as 'dirty', to being gay.

You say she doesn't want you leave, yet there is no day to day affection of any kind. Does she love you though, yet is undemonstrative? Or does she view you as a cash cow?

Yes, I'm much happier now and so is exh. Was helped that neither of us left to be with someone else so was fairly (but not totally) amicable. Has been an emotional rollercoaster for us all though so never underestimate that.

Now we get on ok. Would never ring up for a chat but quite happy to go out for family meals for kids birthdays etc.

Eldest dd (now nearly 17) actually told me recently she can't figure out how we both stayed married so long, and why on earth we weren't arguing all the time as we are such totally different people!!

Hmm this is difficult as your dw could be me.

Although at the beginning I had a very high sex drive and dh and I would have sex probably once a day. I had been a single mum for a while and always had "boyfriends" before dh and I think the not living with them / trying to catch them ting meant my sex drive was higher...

In long term (post 2 years) I find my sex drive just dies. My dh is struggling with this, as you are. I don't know why this is. Yes we have dc and are tired but then I always was. I just don't have the interest. I do try for dh and he doesn't really realise I don't have the same drive I did but he realises its not as frequent and he says I lack intimacy. Its a regular arguement.

I don't really know how to fix it. We have regular arguements and he gets very upset and thinks I'm going to leave him. I'm not. Just because I'm not all over him doesn't mean I want to be all over someone else. Sometimes I just feel very asexual and that extends to kissing and touching too. I was the same in my last two long term relationship sadly.

I love my dh and our life together and I can even find him attractive but I have no or little desire sexually for anything. I don't know how to rectify it and I wouldn't blame dh for getting fed up and leaving me really.

I know that's not very helpful. Your thread just struck a chord with me.

NameChange what did attract you to your DW then?

From what you are saying, it's not just the sex issue is it? Or is the sex problem then let to resentment etc...?

I personally can understand why she said it would be 'weird'. If you haven't had sex for so long and it was never great to start with, then I can see why it would feel 'strange' to have sex again (as surprising, out of the ordinary, perhaps even uncomfortable).
FWIW, I have been at her place. And I have been finding it easier to push the issue out of my mind rather than tell my partner I didn't like having sex with him (or that it wasn't fulfilling for me). I learned to live with no sex, got use to it and accepted it (as you would if you were single with no casuals). That's not the end of the world tbh.

I also notice you are talking about having sex, not making love (I know some people will cringe at that word) but for me having sex (ie meeting a physical need for sex) isn't the same than making love (ie a loving act). I would have been happier with making love than having sex iyswim ( but my partner would have been happy with just sex...).

There were a lot of other things that lead us to that situation, incl dcs (ie extreme exhaustion), sex life wasn't fantastic to start with, lack of support on his side (see exhaustion), lack of empathy/seeing things from my pov etc... Even kissing was an difficult thing for me because a kiss that would be more than a peck on the lips would be interpreted immediately as an 'OK to have sex' (same with a 'loving' cuddle etc..) so it was safer to keep away from that too.

Having said all that, I think that the idea of counselling is a really good one tbh. I don't know if it will help with restore your relationship, but it will give you some insights as to what it is like for the other and will allow you to decide what is the best course of actions.

FWIW, I don't think the dcs are a good enough reason not to get divorced. I also don't think that sex is indispensable in a relationship. Love is as well feeling loved but that can be done in a lot of other ways than sex.

BTW, I think that if 2 people decide together to get married and have dcs even though they are not sexually compatible, then both partners share a responsibility in the situation.
I think it would be unfair to put all the blame on the Op's DW when he knew that things were not fantastic in the first place but was happy to accept things as they were in the first place.
Also if sex has never been great, it might just have being that that was a big turn off for her too. In which case, the OP should shoulder half blame too

no intimacy is really the death nell for any relationship.

you really deserve to be loved (in every sense of the word), and i would rather leave and be loved and happy than be trapped with basically a gloryfied room mate.

my sex drive dropped dramatically after my dd, and it caused no end of issues. Now i make a point of being loving and sexy even if i don't feel like it, and because i love my dh it doesn't take long to get turned on and into it. our marraige is much better now and thats cause all our needs are being met.

be completely open with her tell her what you expect or you will leave give her a date that you will leave by if it doesn't change, its in her hands then.

harsh but she sounds like she needs kick up the arse.

I really feel for you OP, and for your wife. It sounds like you are both unhappy :( And sadness doesn't make people feel very sexy, does it? Can you do more to make you laugh together? That might help...

A word of caution... I have a high sex drive (or had) and have always seemed to want more sex than any boyfriend/partner. It has been a factor in the breakup of a couple of relationships. But since I split up with DS's dad almost a decade ago, I have had almost no sex. A couple of flings, but nothing meaningful. And not even a shag for 2.5 years now :( It's harder than I thought it would be to start a new relationship, and casual sex just doesn't do it for me.

If you do leave your wife, do it because there's little intimacy, not because there's little sex.

de didn't mention the sexual problems at the start did she?

how could op know?

kissing doesn't have to lead to sex no, but op is not getting anything. ds knows he won't just leave because of dc's and she knows that.

why is op being made to feel like a sex pest. making loving is a need like eating and drinking to most men (and women for that matter)

dw stupid phone