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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To be annoyed that a complete stranger picked up my child and tried to play with him!

332 replies

Sunny08 · 06/08/2012 19:29

Went to a beautiful wedding on saturday, on sunday we had a celebration bbq. ds didn't attend wedding but did come to bbq next day. Whilst he was playing he wandered over to this group of guys and girls, and one of the girls without warning just scooped him and started spinning him round trying to get him to play. He is only 18mths and shy at the best of times. She made a comment about him being mr grumpy as he was struggling to get away from her and as I was only a few feet behind her I walked up, took him off her and said 'I'm sorry he isn't great with complete strangers especially when they just randomly pick up!' I turned and left as didn't want to cause a scene at our friends celebration. She had been drinking and I was polite but obviously annoyed - I had never before seen or spoken to this girl in my life and it was quite obvious she was trying to use my son as a 'look aren't I good with children' infront of her friends'. Apparently she complained to the bride later that I was really rude to her - AIBU? Personally I thought I was bloomin polite given what i was thinking of saying!!!

OP posts:
wankpants · 07/08/2012 09:20
Biscuit
TeapotsInJune · 07/08/2012 09:34

I think regardless of whether the OP was unreasonable or not it's the way it was done.

I don't think she was unreasonable at all to step in and reclaim her son; I think the way it was done was over the top unnessecary and above all humiliating for the other girl - who was standing in a big crowd of friends who will have all witnessed that.

I am sure many will step in and say "why should a stranger's feelings matter more than my child's" - well fair enough IF it's an either/or situation but if you can get the same effect without being unpleasant - why not do so? Hmm It's that I don't like about this post, not the getting the child back part!

libelulle · 07/08/2012 09:36

poor girl, is all I can say. She meant well, even if she was a bit clumsy in the execution, and she was unfortunate enough to encounter someone like the OP. On what planet is it acceptable to be rude to someone well-intentionedly wanting to play with your child?! So he cried was a bit grouchy. So what? You give him a cuddle and move away or, even better, turn the situation around and try to show him the person is actually being friendly.

Save your rudeness for when people are being actively unpleasant to your child; there's enough of that around. I'm sad to think that girl might be wary of approaching other kids in future because of one unfortunate encounter.

And the continental thing might sound like a cliche but it truly isn't. At a wedding in southern France for instance your kid would have been scooped up by all sorts of 'randoms' for a play, a dance and a cuddle. You'd have had a fit, I'm sure, but most parents there would just smile benignly if they even noticed at all and get on with enjoying their own night. The attitudes are light-years apart.

Velmadaphne · 07/08/2012 09:36

Still don't get it. Please someone tell me why a person would see a child they didnt know, who was happily playing and not trying to engage with them, stop their own conversation, and pick up the child. Why? Is it an irresistible urge?

plutocrap · 07/08/2012 09:41

Holding onto a child who's already struggling, and calling him Mr Grumpy makes her seem both stubborn and sulky. That could be attributed to the alcohol (and the OP did say from the beginning that the person had been drinking), but complaining to the bride makes it sound as though she was either drunker than everyone realised, or more stubbornly and rude.

I think it's a shame the OP wasn't blunter.

plutocrap · 07/08/2012 09:41

stubborn, not stubbornly!

libelulle · 07/08/2012 09:47

Velma Because they really like children and on the whole children like being played with and interacted with? Because they perhaps don't have children themselves, or have very sociable children, and don't necessarily realise that some kids won't like it? Because they are used to the kind of culture where people are not sensitive uptight about children interacting with people other than their immediate family?

Whatever it is, it certainly doesn't justify being rude to the person concerned if their intentions are good.

TeapotsInJune · 07/08/2012 09:51

Velma - why does anybody try to talk to anybody? To be friendly possibly. I work in a primary school, I like children. People find babies and toddlers sweet and appealing.

At any rate I doubt the girl will do it again Grin

Mrsjay · 07/08/2012 09:54

Long long thread i see but tbh if your child is so precious why did you let the toddler wander about and. toddlers are appealing and maybe the girl thought it was ok to talk to a child who was wandering about at a friends party She wasnt a stranger in the street and i think you are a bit strange and I bet the girl will never talk to a toddler again ,

hawaiiWave · 07/08/2012 09:54

Yanbu. I would be furious about this too. A child is an individual, not a plaything. The woman should have asked you if he would like to be swung round. If you did it to my ds, he would probably be sick over you as he isn't good with being swung around etc.

The fact she was drunk makes it even worse.

lisianthus · 07/08/2012 10:08

But this child wasn't liking being played with in that way and was making it clear by struggling and crying. And the woman didn't say "sorry kid" and put him down, she carried on when he didn't like it and then tried to save face with her mates by calling him Mr Grumpypants, implying the fault was with the child.

Surely you don't force your interactions on children who aren't liking it as this woman did even if you find children irresistably sweet and appealing?

And why is everyone defending this woman not seeing that there is a middle ground between ignoring a child and swinging a child around who is making it clear he isn't having fun? Why not start with a kind hello and see how the child responds?

deepbluewave · 07/08/2012 10:09

Sunny08- I wouldn't like someone picking up my son & swinging him round, especially if he was just running round, minding his own business. Most children dont like being picked up by total strangers & that is a good thing! I would loose my rag if the women then called him grumpy! No answer on here is right or wrong, but my god- you' re all BU. why is she being attacked over it?

deepbluewave · 07/08/2012 10:10

Mrsjay- seriously? Are you for real?

Kayano · 07/08/2012 10:12

the child wasn't crying til later in the thread fyi

Original poster
Sunny08 · 07/08/2012 10:14

Thanks deepbluewave. what amazes me is the response I have had to this and the assumptions about my personality. I was trying mumsnet as a place for helpful support and advice, 2 weeks ago I posted for support about miscarriage - got hardly any responses, posted this and attacked from all angles. I wil never use Mumsnet again - this is horrendous. Even if I was rude (which I have responded many times to say I get that point of view) some of these responses are unbelievably nasty and I think say more about the other posters than they do about me.

OP posts:
Velmadaphne · 07/08/2012 10:21

Sunny I think mumsnet can be really helpful so don't rule out posting again. I'd avoid AIBU though - it seems to bring out the worst in people. Whatever you say, people will attack.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 07/08/2012 10:24

I really wish this forum had a rule against flouncing.

Mrsjay · 07/08/2012 10:26

yes seriously,

LadyBeagleEyes · 07/08/2012 10:27

You asked if you were BU on a topic called AIBU.
Some people said you were, others disagreed.
Why did you post here if you were so sure you were right?

Sassybeast · 07/08/2012 10:27

I don't think that there should be a rule against flouncing. But there should be a rule against flouncing BACK after flouncing......

Shelly32 · 07/08/2012 10:31

Don't leave Sunny! Some people are rude and judgemental and have nothing better to do with their time than try and stir up trouble. I had a really bad experience just after my twin were born. An innocent comment from me turned into a witch hunt. It put me off for about a year. Tried it again for some advice and got a really positive response. You just have to ignore the mean posts and take on board the helpful advice/comments X

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 07/08/2012 10:33

That's awful about being given horrid comments on a miscarriage thread. But I don't think that is representative of Mumsnet. AIBU is definitely a place for strong opinions and if you can't handle being told you were BU, you should avoid posting on it.

Nancy66 · 07/08/2012 10:44

LadyClarice - she does not say people were horrible to her on a miscarriage thread. She is talking about this thread.

You asked for opinions and then got stroppy when people said you were in the wrong, constantly changing your story to strengthen your argument along the way.

TeapotsInJune · 07/08/2012 10:46

I don't think it was that people were rude on the miscarriage thread but that she didn't get as many responses. Sunny, it's just that AIBU is busier than other parts of the boards, it isn't personal towards you.

I am sorry about your miscarriage.

I also have been upset at posts on here (had people telling me I needed striking off the teaching register and thank god I wasn't applying for headteacher jobs at their child's school - I don't even want to be a head Grin) but you just have to shrug it off.

I reckon some of the meaner posters are swilling gin half the day anyway!

But I will be honest here and say that I would have been at least as upset at your comment at the wedding as you have been here - food for thought?

usualsuspect · 07/08/2012 10:48

I really do think MN needs an agree with me topic.

Why ask AIBU and then get arsey if people say actually yeah I think YABU.