AIBU To be annoyed that a complete stranger picked up my child and tried to play with him!

[Sunny08]

Went to a beautiful wedding on saturday, on sunday we had a celebration bbq. ds didn't attend wedding but did come to bbq next day. Whilst he was playing he wandered over to this group of guys and girls, and one of the girls without warning just scooped him and started spinning him round trying to get him to play. He is only 18mths and shy at the best of times. She made a comment about him being mr grumpy as he was struggling to get away from her and as I was only a few feet behind her I walked up, took him off her and said 'I'm sorry he isn't great with complete strangers especially when they just randomly pick up!' I turned and left as didn't want to cause a scene at our friends celebration. She had been drinking and I was polite but obviously annoyed - I had never before seen or spoken to this girl in my life and it was quite obvious she was trying to use my son as a 'look aren't I good with children' infront of her friends'. Apparently she complained to the bride later that I was really rude to her - AIBU? Personally I thought I was bloomin polite given what i was thinking of saying!!!

well as somone who cant go anywhere without kids wanting to talk, dance or for me to play along with them.

i think you were very rude.

Blimey Velma, I hope I never come across you and your family. I might smile at your children and make them cry. Best just to keep them hidden away from everyone I think

OK maybe livid is a bit strong, but I certainly wouldn't be happy. I just fail to see why people feel the need to interact with kids who are doing their own thing, thereby upsetting them and making extra work for their parents.

I think that anyone who thinks it's OK to pick up someone's baby and swing them round has only ever had sociable kids who don't mind that sort of thing. DS1 is shy, and hates that kind of uninvited interaction. It would upset him and make him want to go home. Yes it's a pain and yes it's his (and my) problem, but I'm fed up of having to apologise to adults for his lack of positive response to their behaviour, when really I just wish they'd minded their own business in the first place!

And before anyone says it's my fault - I've always been very sociable myself, and "socialised" my kids from an early age. But kids are what they are.

For what it's worth I wouldn't have been as frank as OP, and would have muttered my usual apologies about DS being nervous of strangers, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't have been cross that the woman had felt the need to interrupt my child and upset him.

And LeeCoakley - nasty little sarcastic post - of course smiling at my kids wouldn't make them cry, when did I say that?

But please, someone explain to me why a child should be interrupted when they're playing, and swung around by a stranger? What possible explanation is there for this?

YANBU .. 18 months is still little and my DS can be shy with strangers. Weddings must be overwhelming for children.

I don't think you're being especially unreasonable to be annoyed that a drunk person picked your child up and started spinning him around, especially if he was upset.
I find all the "OH BUT ON THE CONTINENT THEY ALL LOVED MY BABY HEAVEN FORBID YOU EVER GO BEYOND OUR NATIONAL BORDERS!!!!!!!!" posts a bit trite.

ywbu. And grumpy.

nor mention of a "drunk" person, only she ahd been drinking. Could be 1, could be 2 drinks, does that constitute drunk? FGS!

In the OP, it says that 'she had been drinking' and that 'I had never seen or spoken to this girl before.' So I am bemused at the implications that she has changed or exaggerated the story.
Think the girl was very out of order to mention it to the bride. It's not as if you told her to fuck off.

OP has never said that the woman was drunk, but as the thread's gone on more and more people are taking that as established fact. There is a good range between "had been drinking" and "drunk".

You were rude and precious. You can't win with the parents of small childn really, if you ignore them (as is my inclination with other people's children) people get miffed that you aren't paying attention to their little darlings, engage and you are damned for being inappropriate.

I think you were rude too, sorry, but that poor girl. I'd have said he's a bit shy and stood and talked a bit and given him chance to interact with them. It won't do him any good in the long run if you won't let him be around other folk.

Trust me Sunny, I would never be miffed if people ignored my children. I have no interest in other peoples kids. If they approach me I'll smile and say hello, then carry on with what I was doing. If they're just in my vicinity but not trying to interact with me, I totally ignore them. Seems fairly logical and straightforward to me.

there's another thread on mn today where the op whines about people/strangers not speaking to her child. what do parents want from other people?

Children are individuals too, who have the right not to have their physical boundaries ignored. If the OP had said that a drunken woman had grabbed her and swung her round just because he walked nearby, people would be (rightly) saying it was outrageous, etc. Giving a stranger's child some positive attention, ie "Hello Cutie", nice smile, etc., is one thing, and no-one would say that is bad, but launching into a big effort of physical play that involves a small risk of danger is another matter entirely. My DS is sociable and a daredevil, and his favourite thing in the world is to be swung round by me or my DH but it would terrify him if a complete stranger did it. Things like that are only fun for the child when they trust the person doing it. I hate it when adults do things ostensibly for a child's enjoyment, but they're really for their own, like this or the proverbial MIL trying to give a baby chocolate cake at 4 months because it'd be 'cruel' not to.

OP, I'm with you on this one.

Yabu, you were rude and very pfb. If you leave an 18mo to walk off at a weddimg full of people, of course someone is going to want to play with him.
You should find it nice someone is showing attention to your child rather than ignore him surely?
If you do not like your child recieving attention at a busy wedding put him in his pushchair or keep him close to you.

It's a cultural thing, in some cultures what happened to OP's child would be totally normal & OP would be the obvious weirdo to mind. It wouldn't bother me if it were my child (obvious foreigner).

YANBU. She was rude to your son, hanging on to him while he was struggling to get away. Sounds like the "I'm sooo good with children!" type. He's not a toy just because he's little.

There's a heck of a lot of difference between speaking kindly to a child and picking him up and swinging him around without warning and continuing when it is clear he doesn't like it, and her remark about "Mr Grumpypants" made it clear she was aware he wasn't enjoying it.

I love these snooty posts about how 'now she'll know for next time.'

I seriously doubt it. I'm always interacting with children, getting cuddles etc. If I ever get a response like from the OP, I would just assume she was a total fruitloop and carry on with my life and affection for children.

All the bitching and moaning about how the West isn't child friendly. No wonder! Posters practically bursting a blood vessel at the thought of someone looking at their child.

Then we have threads like 'BAWWWWWWWW my toddler was wandering around a coffee shop and someone didn't say hello to him!!!'
Assumptions that strangers are only kind to children to show off, everyone is a paedophile, eats babies etc.
Then another thread pops up about how children aren't wanted/accepted in certain places and usually the same posters there's outrage about how the West isn't child friendly.

Can't have it both ways. Either unclench, or accept that no one will want you your kid around.

OP: YABVU. You were breathtakingly rude and obviously really upset this girl and spoiled her night if she went to the bride. As many other posters have stated, you could have ended the situation with a thousand different comments than the one you chose.

Someone sober doing this would not bother me at all.

Someone drunk doing this, I'd be concerned about them dropping or knocking toddler or whatever. or maybe I just can't handle my drink for falling over

It's the 'very tipsy' thing that would bother me. How drunk was she? Falling over giggling point? I have no sense of physical space or proximity to things when I've had a few. The safety aspect would concern me.

But I would have no issues with a 'stranger' picking my DS up at a wedding, if they were sober.

Yeah but this girls drunkenness has steadily increased with subsequent posts. She could have been red cheeked and jolly, she could have been the stumbling shrieking drunk girl at the party.

Personally, I'd go with the first since she was coherent enough to tell the bride that the OP was nasty to her.

I don't think anyone is saying it's okay for the truly drunk to be picking up children, I just think people are doubting that she was as drunk as the OP is suddenly claiming.

Lurking you're missing my point. I would object to what this woman did, but not out of fear for my child's safety. It's because it would turn a happy peaceful situation into one in which my child was upset and required comforting. What would be the point of that?

I think we should be child-friendly in this country, but that means accepting the presence of children in social settings. Surely it's possible to achieve that without said children having to put up with being picked up and swung around by strangers when they were perfectly happy playing?

And for people saying we can't have it both ways ie respecting the rights of kids who want to be left alone whilst simultaneously indulging the ones who want to be social butterflies - why is that so hard? Surely this is what we all do with adults in social settings - we gauge how sociable/loud/chatty/gregarious/shy they are, and adjust our interaction with them accordingly?

This is nothing to do with OP being uptight. It's about people not deliberately doing something which turns a happy child into a moaning one. A moaning child at a party is a parent's nightmare.

OP - do you think she set out to upset you and your DC, or do you think that she was trying to be nice but was a bit thoughtless (possibly due to inexperience with young children, friendly atmosphere, having had a glass of wine)? If the latter, YWBU to speak to her so rudely. Her actions were thoughtless, yours were mean.

Actually I think they are relevant points when quite often I see threads about people not interacting with their children.

I think someone else said it much better than me and I believe you've truly outlined this in your post: You want a child friendly society, but on your terms. Makes it a bit difficult when every single parent has different 'terms' doesn't it? Easier to just live in a child intolerant society.

I much prefer the East's take on childrearing except for children at the cinema!

So yes, I do think if people want to fight for a more child tolerant society, they need to unclench a little.

Not everyone can gage social interactions the same way though val, (sheldon cooper for example) sounds like she made an error, she didn't maliciously upset the child! Still no need to be unduly rude. A 'oh he doesn't like strangers.' and a smile at her for her misguided good intentions would do.

YABU and precious. And I'm afraid you were rude to her. You could have just said. 'I'm sorry he isn't great with people he doesn't know' rather than 'complete strangers', and saying 'especially when they just randomly pick up!' is plain rude.

Oh, and PS it's not a very nice assumption to make that she was 'obviously' using your child to show off about being good with children.