Feel humiliated long one sorry

[JudgeJodie]

So we were at my mums 60th birthday party yesterday, in the garden, bit of music nice food etc. my sister and her (grown up) children were visiting from 300 miles away. As the day went on my sister and I were singing and dancing with the little children having a ball.

My husband keeps shouting me over to where he is in the gazebo. I was happily dancing but on the third time of him shouting, I went to see what he wanted. He was smirking and as I walked over my nephew (25!) tipped the entire afternoons rain from the gazebo roof on top of me in front of all my friends and family. My husband had planned it with him. Now I am 35 and my husband is forty so not little kids.

I feel completely humiliated that my husband would do that to me. I am annoyed at my nephew as well but tbh I see him once in a blue moon and he doesn't really know me to know I would not find it funny. So I go in the house and all I want to do at that point is go home and get changed into dry clothes. I was SOAKED. where is husband?

Well after doing that, rather than apologise he has taken the only set of keys we had with us and gone home on his own. Left me to sort the kids out who were upest that mum was upset. So now I can't even just go home, I have to scrabble around soaking wet in front of everyone Getting DC together.

When I get home (long wet walk with two sobbing DC) he is i front of the tv watching Olympics with the excuse that he was only shouting me over to say he had to "go home and have a poo, the type of poo you can't have in someone else's house". I know that it was planned because my nephew had the decency to be mortified, apologise and admit what they had planned. I feel he should have been man enough to say no I won't do that to my wife, she is a grown woman and it will not go down well.

I called his Dad to come and pick him up so that we could all have some space, only today he is still insisting he did nothing wrong. I have said when he is ready to apologise he can come home, but until he realises he is massively in the wrong then he can stay back with his parents.

So as not to drip feed a couple of things. My mums 60th was not only a big birthday anyway but the first birthday since my DF passed away in December. Her 60th was the date he wanted to fight to (cancer) but sadly didn't make it.

I also had a conversation with husband before we set off in the morning to ask him to be supportive of me on the day, as for some reason that I can't put my finger on, I sometimes feel quie self conscious around my nieces and nephews. They are lovely and I am usually an incredibly confident person socially so don't understand it but I had talked it through with him that morning.

So I am prepared to hear that I am over-reacting but I can't help but feel humiliated and disrespected and happy to have a bit of time to myself.

Yanbu, what a complete bastard 1:for doing it and 2: for ruining your mothers birthday.
Its sounds as though he wanted the occasion to be all about him, so delibrately caused an incident in an excuse to leave.
What makes it worse it that he even took the key so you had to walk home with dcs in wet clothes
My inlaws & dh are like your dh, they like to make sure they ruin every celebration except their own.
My dh did a simular thing to me last week, i organised a family bbq with my sister of whom i see just once a year. Everyone was enjoying the food and drink when suddenly dh decided to humiliate me by throwing a really wet, muddy foam ball at me showering my legs in mud! I was so angry that i chucked a small amount of my drink at him, only for him to start swearing at me infront of everyone and storm of making me look like the bad guy!
Of course it was ok for him to humiliate me but not the otherway round

How do you know for a fact he is there?

All the information you have given smells a bit funny to me, as usually he will try to get back but hasn't. Usually he apologizes, but hasn't this time.

Personally, the actual prank wouldn't of bothered me. I would of laughed, and then plotted to get my own back but ten times better, but maybe me and my DP are childish, including many of our friends of similar ages...

That aside, the day being what it was, I can see how that, plus the fact you don't like pranks could end up really upsetting you and him knowing this, and you asking for support, is way out of order. I wouldn't say that alone is enough to "leave the bastard" though. Drink was involved, you appeared to be having fun and relaxing, so I think at most on his part, was a lack judgement...

BUT, him then not apologizing, and buggering off, speaks loud to me. Have I read correctly that he took the keys and walked home? Not actually driving home? After drinking? Then used the excuse he needed "one of those poos", well, how did he know it was going to be one of those poos? Unless he had the trots and had cramps? does he usually go home for one? The timing is a bit questionable, and I wouldn't be quick to believe it. Did he know you was planning on going home or had he already bolted?

I'm not sure whether it would be worth throwing away 13 years especially with it being so out of character, but, I would be seriously digging because of the prank, and his actions after till now, being so out of character. Something is behind it, and I would be making sure he was where he says he was and demanding answers before I would want space to think it all over.

Yes I would be pissed off - but above and beyond that by now I would be seriously questioning who I was married to and whether we could continue. And what my next steps should be. It's gone past an apology now. It's telling that you are enjoying the time alone and seemingly perfectly calm without him.

I think I may seem not bothered more because I am used to being alone. Until November he worked away a fortnight at a time so it is almost normal to be on my own of an evening. He has called the kids on Dds mobile.
All good on Friday and Saturday am.
The only thing is the pressure with bad tenant costing a bloody fortune and being so evil and spiteful. Maybe that is getting to him more than I realise tbf. It was ours 1st house where our daughter was a baby so it does have an emotional impact when someone is treating it like that and we are paying for the privilege. And he is as entitled to feel that as me. I just assumed he wasn't as bothered as me.
Not to let him off the hook for anything though, just to answer number locks question.
I suppose why I Posted on here is to hear so many different points of view and make me look at how i behaved myself in the situation (well the aftermath anyway).
I have to say for all the AIBU threads I have read, i never really knew how difficult it is to hear someone honestly give their view on YOUR situation. Not complaining you understand. I posted with my eyes open.

And I do also have a plan now involving a tarantula!

Yanbu! I would be furious!

Shullbit Agreed. Definitely more going on here which is why I suggested in an earlier post he engineered such an outrageous situation.

If he's not been in touch, who told you he's at the workmate's house, OP?

What has he told the kids? Your 12year old must be asking questions?

YA DEFINITELY NBU, what an absolute arse, I'd go fucking mental if my DH did this to me anywhere, nevermind at the event you described given the circumstances.

The workmate is a good guy, lives with his girlfriend. I know for sure he is there (hopefully feeling sorry for himself and a little embarrassed to admit why he is there). They set off to work together at stupid o,clock in the morning so it is prob the best place to be. Nothing gets in the way of work, he is not a sicky pulling kind of guy and he will get up and go to work tomorrow, so it makes sense to stay there.
I do appreciate the comments but I really do have no doubts about his fidelity, not naive or anything just confident that is not the angle I need to be looking at.
And he is not a sneaky kind of person, definitely wouldn't engineer a situation like that.
I think he bolted after the prank went wrong, and then made up a story about why he was shouting me over. The poo excuse is obviously a load of shit but once he had said it he had to stick with it. Kind of proves his lack of sneakiness that he couldn't come up with a better excuse.
Still think that even allowing for alcohol and bad decisions yesterday without malice, today's behaviour is the worrying bit. I wonder if he is kicking himself that needing a shit was the best he could come up with even with a Wendy minute head start!

I see. So you think it's just stupid pride preventing him from returning? Possibly will just come back from work tomorrow night as normal?

Not sure what a wendy minute is. Twenty!

12 year old knows I am mad at him because she saw it happen. She is ok about him being out if the house as she is so used to him being away with work. Can't exactly hide it or pretend

Maybe pride. Maybe he is stressed with everything and this behaviour is his way of getting it out. I don't know, maybe things will seem clearer tomorrow for him. I figure hisnhead will have been a little fuzzy today

I would imagine said workmates girlfriend will be of the same mentality as you guys. If he admits what he has done I am sure she will tell him as well.
He cannot come back from work tomorrow as normal, we definitely need to sit and talk about this. I may even show him this thread so he can see that I am not being a drama queen. But under no circumstances is this just an argument that gets swept under the carpet. This will take a lot of apologising and talking to get through.

By the way, I wasn't questioning his fidelity directly. Could be anything as to why he is willing to stay away with ease this time, and never previously. Stress, embarrassment etc but whatever it is, I would be wanting to know why he wasn't as desperate to get home this time around.

No excuse for treating you with utter disrespect and disregard, the longer this goes on the worse it is. What sort of man cannot apologise to his wife after what he has done

All down to him now then, JJ.

Sorry shullbit, misunderstood a little there. I do need to get to the bottom of it.

Yes show him this thread so he knows what a prize knobber he is

So you think to relieve his stress he decided to humiliate his wife? Obviously you can see that is absurd so don't give him the stress get out clause.

Also, you called his dad to stop it escalating. Escalating to what?

Are you sure he's actually 40? Because saying things like "I need to take a poo in a place that's not someone else's house" and dumping water over you in a prank and acting like such an idiot that his dad had to come get him are hallmarks of a 14-year-old, not a 40-year-old.

Has he always been the boy who never grew up? How often do you find yourself treating him the way you'd treat your children, or covering/apologising for his immaturity in front of other adults, or just generally having to act like the adult in the relationship because he doesn't or won't?

The very fact that you have to call anybody to "come get him before I brain him" makes me think you have more of a teenage boy and mother relationship than husband and wife relationship. Except that he holds all the power for whatever reason -- he is walking all over you.

Baffling.

YANBU but frankly YABU if you've been putting up with this immaturiy idiocy for years. Aren't two children enough? Having a third who's actually your husband sounds like a lot of extra unnecessary work.

What an utter arse!
You need to see that he really GETS what he did and the effect it has had on you and your family. Once that happens you might start to feel differently about being able to find a way forward.

I do wonder whether he didn't realise how much water there was, and thought you would just get a bit splashed rather than drenched - and then went into panic mode and scarpered in embarrassment/guilt when you got soaked? As from what you've said about him, it doesn't sound the sort of thing he's done before. So it could be just a stupid male pride/embarrassment thing making him not want to back down and admit it was a silly mistake. Does that sound the sort of thing he might do?

Not that it makes his subsequent behaviour any less twuntish of course, but it might be a partial explanation, if not an excuse!

What a mean thing to do. To anyone, let alone your partner! Then to follow it up with a ridiculous story and maintain it was just a joke... words fail me.

No, I do not think that to relieve his stress, he should humiliate his wife, but he may of had a lapse in judgment and didn't think it would humiliate her.

As I said, I would find it funny. But I would also get him back and make sure he was drenched twice as much if that makes us childish, then so be it so I don't see harm in the actual act, it was the other circumstances surrounding the act that makes it wrong IE he knew it was an emotional day for the OP, he knows she isn't one for pranks, he then bolts without so much as a kiss my arse, then makes up a shitty no pun intended excuse before not fighting to come home to his family and apologizing.

But, in her position, I would want to know what the fuck was going on in his head, and then I would send him packing whilst I thought it over. If I didn't so much as get a text off him whilst he was away, I would be definitely telling him to stay away.

so sorry to hear about your dad.

he has trampled over his marriage vows to love and cherish at this difficult time when you are grieving and regretting dad did not make it to this special date. he should be supporting you and helping you through this difficult time instead of acting like and immature idiot.

I am not sure I could get past such a betrayal... as that would be what it would feel like... (betrayal of trust/care)

I think not only does he need to apologize to you, but he needs to apologize to your mother for spoiling her birthday party. He's a total disgrace.