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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feel humiliated long one sorry

176 replies

JudgeJodie · 05/08/2012 18:18

So we were at my mums 60th birthday party yesterday, in the garden, bit of music nice food etc. my sister and her (grown up) children were visiting from 300 miles away. As the day went on my sister and I were singing and dancing with the little children having a ball.

My husband keeps shouting me over to where he is in the gazebo. I was happily dancing but on the third time of him shouting, I went to see what he wanted. He was smirking and as I walked over my nephew (25!) tipped the entire afternoons rain from the gazebo roof on top of me in front of all my friends and family. My husband had planned it with him. Now I am 35 and my husband is forty so not little kids.

I feel completely humiliated that my husband would do that to me. I am annoyed at my nephew as well but tbh I see him once in a blue moon and he doesn't really know me to know I would not find it funny. So I go in the house and all I want to do at that point is go home and get changed into dry clothes. I was SOAKED. where is husband?

Well after doing that, rather than apologise he has taken the only set of keys we had with us and gone home on his own. Left me to sort the kids out who were upest that mum was upset. So now I can't even just go home, I have to scrabble around soaking wet in front of everyone Getting DC together.

When I get home (long wet walk with two sobbing DC) he is i front of the tv watching Olympics with the excuse that he was only shouting me over to say he had to "go home and have a poo, the type of poo you can't have in someone else's house". I know that it was planned because my nephew had the decency to be mortified, apologise and admit what they had planned. I feel he should have been man enough to say no I won't do that to my wife, she is a grown woman and it will not go down well.

I called his Dad to come and pick him up so that we could all have some space, only today he is still insisting he did nothing wrong. I have said when he is ready to apologise he can come home, but until he realises he is massively in the wrong then he can stay back with his parents.

So as not to drip feed a couple of things. My mums 60th was not only a big birthday anyway but the first birthday since my DF passed away in December. Her 60th was the date he wanted to fight to (cancer) but sadly didn't make it.

I also had a conversation with husband before we set off in the morning to ask him to be supportive of me on the day, as for some reason that I can't put my finger on, I sometimes feel quie self conscious around my nieces and nephews. They are lovely and I am usually an incredibly confident person socially so don't understand it but I had talked it through with him that morning.

So I am prepared to hear that I am over-reacting but I can't help but feel humiliated and disrespected and happy to have a bit of time to myself.

OP posts:
wolvesdidit · 05/08/2012 19:08

That just sounds so utterly cruel and degrading. Has he got form for this type of behaviour?

pigletmania · 05/08/2012 19:10

stop making excuses for that behaviour op, he showed what a coward he was that day no excuses

bringbacksideburns · 05/08/2012 19:10

What would hurt me most is that you specifically had a conversation with him before setting off about supporting you because you felt a bit nervous.

Then he did that! Was he expecting you to laugh it all off or something? And if you had done that to him infront of everyone how wold he have reacted?

NYANBU.

KurriotsOfFire · 05/08/2012 19:13

Hi JudgeJodie, - what a horrible thing to have happened.

It's hard to say what I would do in your situation because I just cannot imagine my DH (or most people's DH's) doing something like that. It is very bizarre behavious. It is the sort of thing you would do to someone you really disliked - if you were about 12.

The thing that would have upset me most is his complete lack of respect for the whole occasion and your mum's and your feelings about it, - very hard to get through your first birthday after the loss of a loved one. Especially as you say, your Dad would have so wanted to be there.

I'm not being very helpful I know - I don't think I could forgive what he did if I were in your shoes, - it was so utterly stupid. But any move towards forgiveness would have to start with a very heartfelt apology from him to you, your DC and your Mum - for spoiling her day. And he'd need to really show that he understands why his behaviour was so bad.

Good luck with sorting things out in the way that you want to.

Olympicnmix · 05/08/2012 19:15

Oh, I would lay it on the line with him about how humiliated and hurt you were by the drenching incident, leaving you to go home on your own with two distraught children, then not apologising but blustering out his behaviour that had brought the whole party to standstill after you had specifically asked him to help and support you and your family after the death of your df..... and then see what he had to say.

I would ask him if he even knows to apologise when he's ballsed up or has any remorse for hurting those he loves, or is it all about him and saving face?

Olympicnmix · 05/08/2012 19:16

And then cry buckets to really ram it home.

Pandemoniaa · 05/08/2012 19:16

I'd be livid. Just livid. To then run home like a coward just compounds his action. But I do think you need to have a serious conversation about why on earth he thought it'd be appropriate to behave in such a childishly cuntish manner. If this is totally out of character then is there any sort of underlying reason why he behaved like this?

Jakadaal · 05/08/2012 19:18

YANBU

I would be livid and very upset especially on such an important and poignant day for your family. Sounds like oafish school boy behaviour showing off to the younger kids. As bringback says would be interesting to see how he would react if you did something similar .... but then again I doubt if the thought would enter your head

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 05/08/2012 19:18

YANBU Angry

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 05/08/2012 19:23

Schlock I have a range of sizes/viciousness to suit various wrongdoings.

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2012 19:25

I've been reading through this again and sorry, OP, but I really wouldn't want to be married to someone who behaved like that. Not just the water (though that on its own is enough) but everything. Absolutely everything. I couldn't bear to look at him and I'd never ever believe it if he said he loved me.

BMW6 · 05/08/2012 19:31

OP - what does your Mum and family that were there have to say about this?
(and it's not the "prank" itself that I find so vile, but his running away from you and his children to sort it out yourself)

chinam · 05/08/2012 19:35

YADNBU. Your husband has behaved like an utter knob. What did your mum and sister say?

MrsHelsBels74 · 05/08/2012 19:41

You are so not being unreasonable. The prank could be forgivable, but his behaviour afterwards was totally out of order.

You need to have a long talk with him before he comes back from his parents.

quoteunquote · 05/08/2012 19:45

forgive me OP, and it's just something that ran through my head as I read your post,

First I agree it was a very stupid misjudged thing for your husband to do, and his response when the prank went wrong was also not the way he should of handled it, total childish twonk behaviour.One of those horrible moments when you wonder why someone who loves you, can behave that way.

but the bit that jumped out at me was, I called his Dad to come and pick him

why? that's odd to me, tell him to leave and give you some space, and let him sort out where to go, but phoning his parents, is weird, it's like you are taking a parent role with him, if you are(?) is that why he is behaving like a child?

Do you think your nephew picks up that you are ill at ease around him, and was making some stupid attempt to break down barriers?

If he got the go for it from your husband, who older and should know better, will he now feel even more awkward around you?

Shutupanddrive · 05/08/2012 19:53

YANBU, I would be furious! Angry
I think your under-reacting if anything, what a complete twat. Stop making excuses for him. I'm actually angry on your behalf Angry again!!

Original poster
JudgeJodie · 05/08/2012 19:58

Hi quote.

I called his dad because he was being a belligerent idiot still thinking he had done nothing wrong. I didn't want it to escalate in front of already miserable DC so I called his dad who he would never behave like that in front of.
Re my nephew he came in agave me a big hug, really apologised etc. I don't think he picks up on anything from me but it is possible I suppose. I know he felt terrible so I made a point of going to see them all before they set off back home today, made sure the air was cleared.

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 05/08/2012 20:04

YANBU What a vile, nasty thing to do. He's disrespected both you and your mum and proved himself to be a coward by leaving you and your dc in the lurch.

ChaoticismyLife · 05/08/2012 20:06

I called his dad because he was being a belligerent idiot still thinking he had done nothing wrong. I didn't want it to escalate in front of already miserable DC so I called his dad who he would never behave like that in front of.

OP that speaks volumes about the level of disrespect he has for you SadAngry

AgentZigzag · 05/08/2012 20:06

I'm not making excuses for him, but did he perhaps underestimate how much water was there?

Or could he be covering for your nephew?

Although in either case he should still be apologise for all he's worth regardless of how it came about.

Also agree with Quote about how odd 'I called his dad to come and pick him up' sounds, not just because you've kind of sent him home, or that his parents did as they were told, but also because if he thinks he's done nothing wrong why did he go?

IWantWine · 05/08/2012 20:11

Wow. I think that was very cruel and I doubt I could forgive that, not just because of the overwhelming embarrassment and personal hurt but also because of the lack of respect for your mum.

I would never be able to trust him ever again let alone forgive him.

Pandemoniaa · 05/08/2012 20:11

In 13 yars together I have sent him away to his mums maybe twice

What do his parents say when he gets sent home to them like a naughty child? Only as someone with grown-up children I'd be staggered to receive a call from their partners asking me to collect my sons in the same manner as you would a misbehaving 7 year old at a party.

This doesn't excuse your dh's awful behaviour at your dm's 60th birthday party but I do wonder quite how you balance the infantilising effect of banishing him to a parent's house with your quite reasonable desire for him not to behave like a child. As for being "a belligerent idiot", this is unacceptable but surely best dealt with without parental involvement?

lunamoon · 05/08/2012 20:18

I have read your op twice and still I am failing to find anything at all remotely funny about what your husband and nephew did.

You are not over-reacting at all.

Littlebluetoo · 05/08/2012 20:20

He has treated you with utter contempt. Have been there myself as in being humiliated by my exH and I don't think I ever quite felt the same about him afterwards. He developed a real line of ways to make me feel small.
I would think his attitude to you as his wife, and mother of his children, is of serious concern and if he can't see this then he (you) has/have a serious problem...

lovebunny · 05/08/2012 20:23

that was the sort of thing my husband would do. i divorced him - i think it became absolute in 1988. I haven't had to put up with him since.