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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel humiliated long one sorry

176 replies

JudgeJodie · 05/08/2012 18:18

So we were at my mums 60th birthday party yesterday, in the garden, bit of music nice food etc. my sister and her (grown up) children were visiting from 300 miles away. As the day went on my sister and I were singing and dancing with the little children having a ball.

My husband keeps shouting me over to where he is in the gazebo. I was happily dancing but on the third time of him shouting, I went to see what he wanted. He was smirking and as I walked over my nephew (25!) tipped the entire afternoons rain from the gazebo roof on top of me in front of all my friends and family. My husband had planned it with him. Now I am 35 and my husband is forty so not little kids.

I feel completely humiliated that my husband would do that to me. I am annoyed at my nephew as well but tbh I see him once in a blue moon and he doesn't really know me to know I would not find it funny. So I go in the house and all I want to do at that point is go home and get changed into dry clothes. I was SOAKED. where is husband?

Well after doing that, rather than apologise he has taken the only set of keys we had with us and gone home on his own. Left me to sort the kids out who were upest that mum was upset. So now I can't even just go home, I have to scrabble around soaking wet in front of everyone Getting DC together.

When I get home (long wet walk with two sobbing DC) he is i front of the tv watching Olympics with the excuse that he was only shouting me over to say he had to "go home and have a poo, the type of poo you can't have in someone else's house". I know that it was planned because my nephew had the decency to be mortified, apologise and admit what they had planned. I feel he should have been man enough to say no I won't do that to my wife, she is a grown woman and it will not go down well.

I called his Dad to come and pick him up so that we could all have some space, only today he is still insisting he did nothing wrong. I have said when he is ready to apologise he can come home, but until he realises he is massively in the wrong then he can stay back with his parents.

So as not to drip feed a couple of things. My mums 60th was not only a big birthday anyway but the first birthday since my DF passed away in December. Her 60th was the date he wanted to fight to (cancer) but sadly didn't make it.

I also had a conversation with husband before we set off in the morning to ask him to be supportive of me on the day, as for some reason that I can't put my finger on, I sometimes feel quie self conscious around my nieces and nephews. They are lovely and I am usually an incredibly confident person socially so don't understand it but I had talked it through with him that morning.

So I am prepared to hear that I am over-reacting but I can't help but feel humiliated and disrespected and happy to have a bit of time to myself.

OP posts:
50shadesofslapntickle · 05/08/2012 20:28

I don't get it - why would he do something like this and so - as you say - out of character? Are you absolutely telling us the truth that this is out of character for him? Was he drunk?
Very strange if it was a first twattish behaviour from him. I don't get why he doesn't see that what he did was really vile. He needs to understand that he acted like a total wanker.

ShellyBoobs · 05/08/2012 20:37

Your husband is an utter twat.

I know this isn't helpful, but where do people find these men?

There are lots of nice men somewhere but loads of people on MN seem to have snared themselves a tosspot.

quoteunquote · 05/08/2012 20:42

JudgeJodie,

Oh, I understand that you need him not to behave like a belligerent idiot, but it is very odd to get his parents involved.

If he didn't have parents near by or they were dead, how would you handle it,

I'm now wondering every time my husband is a pillock, I should phone his parents and ask them to collect him, mind you if I did, they would be a bit confused, I'm sure they would wonder why I was involving them.

DappyHays · 05/08/2012 20:45

Does he normally huff when you are enjoying yourself?

By the sounds of it you absolutely needed yesterday to be fun and to let your hair down. Is there some resentful, arseholeish reason your man can't let you do that?

I hope it didn't ruin the day for your mum also.

Clytaemnestra · 05/08/2012 20:48

When you say belligerent, do you mean you were calling his dad because you felt threatened? How did you see it escalating if you hadn't called his dad?

GranToAirMissiles · 05/08/2012 20:48

Honestly he sounds mentally deficient, especially the bit about calling his father to collect him.

DappyHays · 05/08/2012 20:56

I remember a night out with DH's workpals, all male and one female (who does a mainly male dominated job). Everyone's partners were there. She was clearly having a great night, we all were. Her partner apparently didn't like it that she was having fun and her workmates were including her and as he handed her a beer when it was his round he clunked it on the bottle she was already holding so that the beer sprayed all over her face. She was laughing and trying to shake it off but I kept thinking what a fucking disgusting individual. Your man sounds like him. DH's former workpal soon left the bastard.

littletreesmum · 05/08/2012 20:56

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sherbetpips · 05/08/2012 21:05

He behaved like a child yes, but you called his dad and told him to come and get him?? Whilst he is clearly juvenile I think you may have gotten a little used to treating him like a kid so he happily continues to act
as one.

Original poster
JudgeJodie · 05/08/2012 21:06

Just to clear the parent calling issue up. I told him he needed to go and find somewhere else to sleep and give me some space to calm down. Crossed the line, unforgivable etc etc. he refused to go anywhere so I rang his dad to come and get him being the only person close enough and sober enough at that time on a Saturday to do so. Had his brother or best mate been available they would have got the "come and get nobber before I brain him in front of the children" phone call.
He has gone to stay with a mate tonight, so not banished to his parents house. He can stay in a hotel if he likes. I am having an early night with a bag of minstrels and a galaxy counters.

OP posts:
neuroticmumof3 · 05/08/2012 21:28

Yanbu. His treatment of you was extremely disrespectful and cruel. I can't believe he then went off and left you to manage dc alone and wet. I would be in no rush to have him back.

lovebunny · 05/08/2012 21:28

i think you made a sensible decision to call his dad. well done.

my guess is, your dh and bro or whoever, saw that the gazebo was holding water and wanted someone they could 'get away with' drenching. he must have thought he'd get away with it, with you.

if its a one-off, hold out for the apology. but if he routinely treats you like this, start making plans for a future without him.

pigletmania · 05/08/2012 21:30

he sounds like a manchild if when he misbehaves you send him back to his parents Hmm. your nephew sounds so much more adult than he is, you have to really assess the situation, if he is not apologising and think that he is right, this speaks volumes for the type of person he is.

Numberlock · 05/08/2012 21:35

So this is the second night away from home? Has he been in touch in the meantime with an apology or suggestion to meet and talk? Is he staying away indefinitely?

blueskycp · 05/08/2012 21:39

Y are so NBU. Reading your post made me feel upset for you. Absolutely awful thing to do esp in the circumstances. I'm sure everyone there felt for you & thought your H a dick. Make sure you give him a hard time x

Original poster
JudgeJodie · 05/08/2012 21:42

He has not text, which I have to admit I am sad about. I would have thought by now he would have realised and make some attempt to at least apologise. As I said I don't want him to come back tonight, I am still angry and enjoying a little time just me, V+, and my galaxy family size and AIBU of course. I told him to give me some space, but, and I know this is VU, I would have thought he would at least have made some effort towards apologising even if by text.

OP posts:
Wowserz129 · 05/08/2012 21:44

I also have a real issue with the fact that he clearly knows he has upset you to the point he is staying away from the house but he still doesnt apologise?

To me that is not the picture of someone that cares about how you feel?

Numberlock · 05/08/2012 21:55

Has he acted outrageously on purpose then because he knew he'd get thrown out and that's what he wanted for some other reason? On the other occasions you've sent him back to his mum's, when did he return?

Numberlock · 05/08/2012 21:57

Who is the mate he's gone to stay with and how old are your children?

Original poster
JudgeJodie · 05/08/2012 22:02

The last two times he went to stay with his mum he came back after I had gone to bed and slept on te couch. Daughters bedroom is being decorated at te moment so no living room to sneak into. He is with a workmates I know and trust, no issues in that respect. Dc are 12 & 4.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 05/08/2012 22:11

I'd have changed the locks then, you don't seem to be missing him and he seems like a prize twat. But then that's just me.

I can't see any benefit to him returning. Is he required for any practical reason any time soon, eg child care while you're at work?

The longer he stays away with no contact, the more serious this becomes as I also presume he's had no contact with the kids.

How was everything immediately before the party ie Friday night, Saturday morning? I'm still wondering if there's something else afoot here.

beautyguru · 05/08/2012 22:14

Pissed off does not even cover it...I would be absolutely furious...and the fact that he has not yet apologised shows a complete lack of care or respect for you Sad Can't offer any advice but just wanted to offer a hug and a Wine or Brew to go with your Galaxy Smile

Figgygal · 05/08/2012 22:15

I can't believe he hasn't come home and apologised op Sad

Very shitty thing for him to do!!

Vix07 · 05/08/2012 22:20

yes he's defo a twat tho my dp would also have thought that funny (dickhead) but by now it's a different ballgame. Why should you have to back down to get some respect when they were being infantile?

Good luck with sorting this one hun, why do they have to make it so feckin hard all the time??

BarredfromhavingStella · 05/08/2012 22:21

What a twat he sounds-I personally would have ripped him a new one.............