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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at these comments from mil??

161 replies

GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 17:24

It is dh birthday today. He very unusually has the day off so although we had made no concrete plans I thought we would probably do something with the kids.

Dh announces late last night that he is in fact going out for lunch with his parents. When I question whether or not we are invited he shrugs and says we can come if we like....

So I ask the kids what they want to do-2 want to go and 1 doesnt so I say I will make other plans with that dc.

When I return today eldest dc announces that gran has been making comments about meHmm

When I question dh he says his mum is upset because she feels as if I am avoiding her and dont like her because we havent been down for dinner on a sunday the last couple of weeks-we were on holiday 1 of the weeks!!!!Angry

So now I have had row with dh because 1)he didnt pull his mum up on her comments 2)blamed me for the fact we are not going down this sunday!-we are going out on saturday night and I know will be hungover plus she saw dh today!!

AIBU to be furious at mil for her frankly stupid comments-we have went there for dinner every sunday for 16 YEARS!! also aibu to be really hurt and upset that dh thinks I am BU because I am sick to fucking death of going EVERY BLOODY SUNDAY!!!!

OP posts:
beingagoodmumishard · 04/08/2012 17:24

are you going there for lunch tomorrow?

pictish · 04/08/2012 17:35

God.

Right ok - you have done absolutely the right thing in putting your foot down. Whatever the fall out from this, you will know better your position for the future.

It is perfectly reasonable to not want to spend every Sunday with your pils. I really really like my mil...but I have NO interest in giving up half my weekends to her. The expectation that you should is just daft!

Enough is enough. YOU OP, have done your time. Set yourself free from this stifling arrangement.

If your dh does not support you through this, then you'll know how little regard he has for your opinion and wishes.

You are not being unreasonable. No way.

Badvoc · 04/08/2012 17:43

Yes Goran you are spot n.
She will wait and try and cause as much upset as possible.
Stunt give her the fuel to fan the flames.
Stay away.
She can't argue with you of you aren't there?

futureunknown · 04/08/2012 17:56

For goodness sake don't go tomorrow. It will be like walking into the spider's lair. She will crush you and your DH will just stand there and you'll be too stunned/polite to retaliate.

Stay at home. She can't get a reaction out of you or control you if you stay away.

Ideally your DH will stay home tomorrow too (if he can ever stand up to his mother this would be a good time) and you can have a lazy day or nice day out.

cocolepew · 04/08/2012 18:00

Don't go anywhere near her. If you get an abusive phone call, hang up, or put the phone down and walk away. Let them rant to empty air.

Good luck, stay strong!!

Uppermid · 04/08/2012 18:15

If she calls and abuses you put the phone down on her. You do not need to accept that level of abuse. The phone is for your convenience. Not for them to abuse you.

You also need to start standing up for yourself with your dh. Don't let him talk to you or treat you like this, let him know you mean it.

clam · 04/08/2012 18:42

You need to make it very clear to your h that you are not suggesting he stops seeing his parents altogether, just that you reduce the "every Sunday" routine. How about you all go there once a month, and he goes on his own once a month and you have a family time on your own the other two Sundays?

JUbilympiX · 04/08/2012 21:38

Oh please take dh out to a really nice restaurant for lunch tomorrow, with the children. Then call in quickly at tea time on your way home for birthday wishes, cards and presents. You can take the kids into the garden and all play while the slaggers are slagging and then after about 20mins sweep in with children and say you have to go now, sweep up dh and jump in the car ..........

Original poster
GoranisGod · 05/08/2012 12:27

No we are not going today as we went out last night-this is one of the reasons why she is so angry!!

I am hoping that I have got dh more on side now as he seems to have conceded that I have a point about not going EVERY sunday

I think that if bil goes to dinner today then it will be the chance she is looking for to stir things up even more. So we will either get bil on the phone or calling round later shouting the odds.

Or she will do what I said in my previous post and wait until I am actually there and then let loose. But I am not going to givr her the opportunity!!-am going to tell dh that he can take dcs next week but I am staying away until mil acknowledges how manipulative she has been.....

OP posts:
Original poster
GoranisGod · 05/08/2012 12:32

Btw in case anyone is interested this is a precis of the text I sent her-

Hi mil
Sorry I didnt make it to lunch today but as dh didnt see fit to tell me about it until late last night I had already made other plans. I am not avoiding you in any way and find it a bit odd that you saw fit to make that comment.
I need to explain that we can no longer come to dinner every sunday as the kids have lots of activties on and it is simply becoming too much for us.
I had asked dh to explain this to you but he clearly didnt. I apologise for that.
You are more than welcome to come round or take the children out for the day any time you wish.
I hope to c u soon. goran.

Is this BU?....still no reply btw!

OP posts:
LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 05/08/2012 12:35

I think you are the model of diplomacy, with just the right sprinking of assertiveness, Goran.

HermioneE · 05/08/2012 12:37

Yes your text is BU... unreasonably nice!!

NarkedRaspberry · 05/08/2012 12:39

Excellent. You should work for the UN with those diplomacy skills!

Adversecamber · 05/08/2012 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GoranisGod · 05/08/2012 12:47

Adverse-how did you cope with sil having a go at you? I know my sil wouldnt dare-even though I know she doesnt like me but its mutual!-but bil has a huge temper and I have had runs in with him before....

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 05/08/2012 13:08

If BIL dares to call and give you an earful I would simply say that since he is so concerned why doesn't he go every Sunday for dinner? And until he can speak with a civil tongue the conversation is over. Then hang up.
Btw your txt was the height of diplomacy and I really hope things start getting better now you have taken the first step to regaining some control

Adversecamber · 05/08/2012 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GoranisGod · 05/08/2012 13:23

See adverse-that is what I am worried about as although it takes alot for me to lose my temper when I lose it I lose it BIG time and I have been known to get physical in the past-not for donkeys years I hasten to add!!

But I know I will find it hard to hold my temper if bil loses his....

OP posts:
Badvoc · 05/08/2012 13:50

Erm...do your dc want to go?
If not the tell her!
If Gil comes end to your house shouting calming tell him if he doesn't stop/ leave you will call the police and get hm charged with harassment.

forehead · 05/08/2012 16:49

Goran, whatever you do, DON'T lose your termper, however much they provoke you .I found this worked with my mil, who would prefer it if i abused her, so that she could use it against me in the future.
Definitely don't engage in any coversation with bil. Avoid, Avoid, Avoid.

DaftMaul · 05/08/2012 20:15

Send a text to bil saying that you and your family have done Sunday lunch for the last 16 years and it is now his turn for the next 16 years! Wink

JUbilympiX · 06/08/2012 17:46

How was yesterday?

Original poster
GoranisGod · 07/08/2012 13:01

We didnt go yesterday. Still no word from either her or bil....

I wont be going this sunday either-fuck that! would be suicidal!

Dh is trying to pretend that everything is hunky dory but he must know that there is stuff going on behind the scenes when his own brother hasnt even wished him a happy birthdayHmm

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 07/08/2012 13:29

Goran, you are a complete star for putting up with all this crap and being so dignified. Your text was absolutely perfect. Your in-laws sound a bit like my parents - loads of expectations about regular visits, alw, ays going to them and never the other way around, huffing and puffing when things don't go their way. I find it helps a bit to think of them as being toddlers emotionally - and they need firm boundaries and consistency just like toddlers do!

Agree with forehead - stay cool and calm and simply hang up or walk away if you get loads of abuse. They would just love the chance to paint you as some kind of diva. Then go and scream into a pillow if you need to. And keep posting!

CommaChameleon · 07/08/2012 13:48

Whatever you say Goran, try to keep it brief. Especially if you are writing it down.

I know from bitter experience that trying to write everything down doesn't work, from when my MIL was writing to me and I was responding. In the end I told her that I would return her letters unopened and without a reply and that worked better than anything I could have said to try and justify myself. When really, she was in the wrong and I had no need to justify my stance.

Something along the lines of "I know what you said about me, my DC's were upset to hear you talking about me in that way and in future if you are unhappy with me I would prefer you to say so directly to me rather than to anyone else and especially not to my children."

Then if she tries to justify herself/blame you, just tell her the same thing over and over. The children are getting older and wanting to do their own thing, you cannot commit to every single Sunday anymore but also cannot be held responsible for her taking this as a personal slight.

My PILs are exactly the same and for reasons that would take far too long to explain (and would thread hijack) DS and I no longer see them at all. This is their own fault and didn't happen overnight, but behaviour like this was at the crux of the problem.