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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at these comments from mil??

161 replies

GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 17:24

It is dh birthday today. He very unusually has the day off so although we had made no concrete plans I thought we would probably do something with the kids.

Dh announces late last night that he is in fact going out for lunch with his parents. When I question whether or not we are invited he shrugs and says we can come if we like....

So I ask the kids what they want to do-2 want to go and 1 doesnt so I say I will make other plans with that dc.

When I return today eldest dc announces that gran has been making comments about meHmm

When I question dh he says his mum is upset because she feels as if I am avoiding her and dont like her because we havent been down for dinner on a sunday the last couple of weeks-we were on holiday 1 of the weeks!!!!Angry

So now I have had row with dh because 1)he didnt pull his mum up on her comments 2)blamed me for the fact we are not going down this sunday!-we are going out on saturday night and I know will be hungover plus she saw dh today!!

AIBU to be furious at mil for her frankly stupid comments-we have went there for dinner every sunday for 16 YEARS!! also aibu to be really hurt and upset that dh thinks I am BU because I am sick to fucking death of going EVERY BLOODY SUNDAY!!!!

OP posts:
maybenow · 03/08/2012 20:29

if she contacts you after the text just remember that you are NOT obliged to visit her and you have given her a lot of your family time over the years so do not feel guilty about not continuing that level of visiting (particularly if the kids want their space).

i think you've got a problem with your 'd'h though not your mil i'm afraid Sad

gobbledegook1 · 03/08/2012 20:29

YABU.

Doesn't sound to me like your MIL is the problem to be honest. From what you say it almost sounds as though she was expecting you to be there and the fact you weren't coupled with the fact you've also not been for a couple of weeks has made her think you are avoiding her for some reason or that she's done something wrong, she wasn't being nasty she was upset which sounds like she actually cares. Your husband should have pointed out that it wasn't that you had chosen not to go but that he had told you he wasn't sure you were welcome!

I agree 'every' Sunday is a bit much but I'm sure if you were explained that it is nothing to do with her and you don't hate her its just that being the only day you and your DH get to yourselves it would be nice to actually just do something together just the two of you she would understand.

If you need to be pissed off with anyone it should be your DH for not backing you up.

angeltattoo · 03/08/2012 20:36

Well done Goran! Good for you.

Don't let her or your BIL or your DH say one disrespectful word to you because YANBU!!!

Just picture all of us standing behind you, rooting for you Grin

Keep posting too if it helps

As for his attitude to finance SadAngry...the income for your house/marriage is half yours, and i can't believe he doesn't think so!

Can you start saving some money in tour own account? You really should, how do you pay for shopping etc? Start taking some for yourself!

QOD007 · 03/08/2012 20:40

GOod for you!!

We got int something similar years ago, I used to work every Saturday, dh and dd would go to MILs in the morning, then I had to meet them there ...l naturally this meant that when I went to do shopping or whatever, that dd was suddenly MY responsibility .... So I had to go there to meet them, then dh would feck off and leave me there!

Took me years to get out of it and now I NEVER commit to anything regular

StarryCole · 03/08/2012 21:06

GoranisGod

Woah, you are stressing yourself way too much, suffering from FOG. (Fear/Guilt/Obligation).

Life is too short to get stressed like this.

First of all - Clarity- Let your DH deal with HIS side of the family. If he wants to see them, let him. If he calls he calls, if he doesn't then he doesn't. Make it clear to your DH - there needs to be an explicit request and desire for your presence in any family gathering. Foggy comments = confusion = people falling out for no justifiable reason.

Secondly - Keep your MIL at her door (I mean metaphorically) and don't let your MIL get to you. If she talks shit at you on the phone, cut the chat right there. Leave her comments to herself -Talk to the hand not to my face thing.
Don't feel obligation to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. Do it because you want to and it makes you happy. She has a voice right? If she wants you for lunch- she'd call you herself.

Thirdly - Every day counts, make good use of your time. Organise your family time and book it in. Let you DH know in advance so there's no arguments. You'll feel heaps better when you start putting yourself first ;)

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 03/08/2012 21:09

Well done you! If your 'd'h isn't going to stick up for you then you need to do it yourself. It was well out of order to criticise you in front of your DC.

When she does phone, make sure you put her on the back foot straight away. Prepare some choice phrases you can use and keep pointing out the inappropriateness of her criticising you in front of your DC. If she does have hysterics, end the discussion.

StarryCole · 03/08/2012 21:17

Goranisgod - Just to add, you know this already but you and your DH may not play well together all the time, and perhaps that is ok? You don't need to drive home messages to your MIL again (it can come across hurtful for her I guess). Actions speak louder than words or any text messages. Take control of your life and what you want to fill your time with. If your DH wants to share that time with you then fine, if he doesn't then at some point in time, you and DH need to think about whether there is any point in staying together.

From what I've read, you are not at that cross roads. You have a choice on who you want to interactive with. Hope you feel better soon! F^ck everyone else!!

Nanny0gg · 03/08/2012 21:28

Well done for telling her.
And remember, if she phones and 'starts' on you, just tell her that until she can be civil, you will not be speaking to her.
And put the phone down.

WildWorld2004 · 03/08/2012 21:53

Why is it always men who cant cut the apron strings? How often do you hear of a female acting like this with her parents.

Keep strong OP and keep your head held high. Do not let them treat u like dirt.

JUbilympiX · 03/08/2012 21:54

And please hang up if BIL phones and starts abusing you; don't even hand the phone to your h. It's none of BIL's business anyway.

Good luck. You've been over-reasonable for 16 years, and everyone is taking you for granted. Can your parents help out in any way?

justjoiningtosaythis · 04/08/2012 07:38

everything Starry said and also-

familiarity breeds contempt! ive found that with some people the more you give to them the less respect they give you, i bet they'd actually treat you better if you'd kept them more at arm's length and not been such a doting dil every sunday.

you need to start caring less about their approval (all of them-your h included) as this is what is giving them the power to hurt you. if you're going to stick up for yourself you will need to make peace with them being pissed off with you and you not being the good dil --doormat, they have come to expect.

well done for txting yr mil, any reply yet?? i dont think you need to walk out of yr marriage right now, just carrying on standing up for yourself and putting yourself and your children first and see what happens - you changing may prompt your h to change and if it doesnt it will at least give you the self esteem to walk away in due course if you want to.

good luck!!

TheSkiingGardener · 04/08/2012 07:59

Oh it sounds like a horrible situation to be in. Well done for deciding to make the change and good luck.

holyfishnets · 04/08/2012 08:20

Text her, say sorry to miss you today. DH wasn't sure if we were invited and DS asked to go to xxx instead. Looking forward to seeing you at sunday lunch on the xx date. Did DH tell you we about the holiday and his night out?

diddl · 04/08/2012 08:24

From husband´s POV-I don´t think seeing his parents every week is "wrong".

But if it´s taking up most of Sunday, then their needs to be a compromise imo.

Or if he´s doing it rather than be with his family.

My parents used to visit every week-but-I didn´t work, so they could spend the day & just see husband for an hour or so when he got in.

When are men who work supposed to see their parents?

If nearby, can he pop in after work one evening?

holyfishnets · 04/08/2012 08:28

Or text and say Hi MIL, I'm needing to do fortnightly Sunday lunches instead at the moment (I'm wanting to take xx swimming/have quiet time/time with one child etc). I'll let DH make all the arrangements and call you with details for Sunday lunches. Will really look forward to our next lunch, it will be ages and it's nice to catch up.

futureunknown · 04/08/2012 08:37

Wow how on earth have you managed to do this for sixteen years? You are a saint.

Your DH is seriously out of order going to his parents' house so often when you and the DCs don't want to go. Sitting and watching tv there every Sunday is not good for your DCs, they need to be spending the weekend doing something more stimulating.

You must do as everyone suggests- and it sounds like you've made a good start. Deep breaths when/if they and/or BIL call and do not let them get to you. You must look after yourself and the DCs and do not let them come between you and your DCs.

They sound barking- how can they expect you to be at their house when you are on holiday? They are so self centred they hadn't even taken on board you were away.

You will not change them, but you can change your reaction to them. Good luck.

HoleyGhost · 04/08/2012 08:51

Be prepared for confrontation.

It is long overdue.

ByTheWay1 · 04/08/2012 09:26

You need to sort it out now! OR..... I hesitate to say it , but you have probably been thinking it.... what will happen when one or both of them become infirm and unable to cope alone.... who will be the one who does the "carer" role - are you willing to be the doting DIL permanently?

Original poster
GoranisGod · 04/08/2012 09:40

A quick update-Dh stomped off to bed at 9pm last night so I knew he wasnt happy. I went up and insisted he got up and that we talk about this. He still cant see why I am upset about the comments mil made but he did concede that he shouldnt try and blame me when we dont go every sunday.....

Still no phone call so I dont think she seen it yet....

To the poster who asked if I would look after then in later years-hell no!! actually their other dil has sort of already adopted that role-she is the one they ask to look after house/finances when they are away or to run errands but as she is a huge martyr I let her get on with it!!

OP posts:
MadamFolly · 04/08/2012 09:47

Uh on, its all going to kick off but I think it needs to :(

Original poster
GoranisGod · 04/08/2012 15:08

bump.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoranisGod · 04/08/2012 15:09

Another update-still no reply to text but bil has not phoned dh or called round to wish him a happy birthday for yesterday-very unusual-so I know there is def stuff going on behind our backs.....

OP posts:
IamnotaStepfordHousewife · 04/08/2012 15:39

A big unMN hug, well done for standing up to your MIL, she certainly sounds controlling. I am lucky concerning my MIL and can't imagine the crap you have had to put up with. I'm not religious or anything but honestly believe in Karma and your MIL & DH will get whats coming to them if that's how they choose to treat people. xxxxx

angeltattoo · 04/08/2012 16:20

I keep checking in Goran!

Any fall out yet?

Well done for making H talk, or at least listen, if you have something to say, you should say it!

Ps It's bugger all to do with BIL, if he DARES voice an opinion, keep it short and sweet, 'it's not actually any of your business how I choose to spend my time' should do it Wink

Original poster
GoranisGod · 04/08/2012 17:19

Still no phone call so she is obviously furious. She will wait until all the family are there and try and either humiliate me or put the guilt trip on. I know her too well.....

OP posts: