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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at these comments from mil??

161 replies

GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 17:24

It is dh birthday today. He very unusually has the day off so although we had made no concrete plans I thought we would probably do something with the kids.

Dh announces late last night that he is in fact going out for lunch with his parents. When I question whether or not we are invited he shrugs and says we can come if we like....

So I ask the kids what they want to do-2 want to go and 1 doesnt so I say I will make other plans with that dc.

When I return today eldest dc announces that gran has been making comments about meHmm

When I question dh he says his mum is upset because she feels as if I am avoiding her and dont like her because we havent been down for dinner on a sunday the last couple of weeks-we were on holiday 1 of the weeks!!!!Angry

So now I have had row with dh because 1)he didnt pull his mum up on her comments 2)blamed me for the fact we are not going down this sunday!-we are going out on saturday night and I know will be hungover plus she saw dh today!!

AIBU to be furious at mil for her frankly stupid comments-we have went there for dinner every sunday for 16 YEARS!! also aibu to be really hurt and upset that dh thinks I am BU because I am sick to fucking death of going EVERY BLOODY SUNDAY!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 18:25
Sad
OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 03/08/2012 18:26

It's up to you really.

Your husband wants to spend time with his family, you don't you can ask your children what they want and let them do accordingly ie visit their grandmother or stay with you and spend a lazy family sunday doing things together.

Your husband can go to his parents if that's what he wants.

You may not want to spend sundays apart but if he wants to spend the time with his parents it's pointless you all being miserable together.

I'd do my own thing personally, I reckon you've done enough time!!!!

If MIL throws a strop, let her.

Familyguyfan · 03/08/2012 18:29

Maybe a big row is exactly what is needed rather than just the same old thing. Do you want to change it? If so, let him piss off to his parents every Sunday and you have a good time at home with your children. His parents don't like it- tough! He can't MAKE you do anything. Just stay strong. Why are you getting upset while he's just sticking his head in the sand?

Having seen my own parents experiences with their in-laws I can confirm things never naturally get better. Something or someone has to give. Don't let it be you.

IslaValargeone · 03/08/2012 18:36

I am metaphorically bowing at your feet at every Sunday for 16 years!
Can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, regarding the main issue being your dh. Please don't sit in tears about it though, it's just not worth it.
As an aside and off topic, but are you a D'Onofrio fan?

quoteunquote · 03/08/2012 18:41

I would find a hobby that takes up all day sundays, MiL can look after the children and husband,

get in training for something.

Original poster
GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 18:41

No isla lol- a goran invansevic fan-tennis?

If I felt mil would behave like a grown up then I would have it out with her but I know there would just be tears,a tantrum and then bil would get involved-it happened before and I had bil screaming abuse at meSad

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IslaValargeone · 03/08/2012 18:43

Ah, sorry Blush

beingagoodmumishard · 03/08/2012 18:44

why would bil scream at you when he doesn't go and see his mother every Sunday. Maybe you should suggest to him that as you have been every Sunday for the last 16 years it is his turn

IslaValargeone · 03/08/2012 18:48

What did your dh do when bil was screaming at you?

Original poster
GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 18:49

I said exactly that tonight to dh when we were arguing-why do we have to go every sunday when his brother and his kids dont? he just repeated that I am not going to stop him seeing his parents....

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Original poster
GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 18:51

It was over the phone isla so I just handed phone to dh. He argued with him for a bit but didnt tell him off for the way he spoke to meSad

Dh idolises his brother-its a bit weird imo as dh is actually the older sibling. I know that if it came to a choice dh would choose them over meSad

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pjmama · 03/08/2012 18:52

I would just state to all concerned that you would all love to go for Sunday lunch once a month/3weeks/fortnight (whatever works for you), but any more than that has now become too much and is cutting into your family time. Tell them that the children don't enjoy it as it's just too frequent and you'd prefer that it's a family event they look forward to rather than dread.

Privately tell DH he can please himself what he does as he sounds like a self centred mummys boy anyway.

Let them scream and throw tantrums as much as they like, regard them with a calm impassive face and say you're sorry they feel that way but this is how it is. Don't rise to it, don't shout back, don't let them bully you. And frankly if BIL gets involved tell him to fuck of and mind his own business.

pjmama · 03/08/2012 18:53

"I know that if it came to a choice dh would choose them over me"

Oh dear - why are you still with this man?

Original poster
GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 18:56

pjmama-I actually did tell dh that over the xmas shenanigans-we have spent 5 out of the last 8 years with inlaws-inlcuding staying over night so dh can get pissed with fil and bilAngry

This year I put my foot down and said we werent going. Dh threatened to still go and I told him to do as he pleased. He eventually did concede but when his mum tried to play the guilt card he blamed it all on me-oh sorry mum but goran insists we stay at home this year so what can I do....-you get the picture.

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diddl · 03/08/2012 18:56

Does she enjoy seeing her GC or just her son?

If he really would choose them-why stay with him?

And as for not stopping him seeing his parents-does he realise that seeing them less doesn´t equal stopping him seeing them?

diddl · 03/08/2012 18:57

"goran insists we stay at home this year so what can I do."

Fuck off to Mummy imo.

TeamGlaikitBritain · 03/08/2012 18:58

Oh goran,I remember your thread from before about Xmas.

I've nothing useful to add other than look after you and you children.

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 03/08/2012 18:59

Your husband sounds like he's got his (manipulative) record stuck - 'You're not going to stop me seeing my parents'.

My ExH was like this. I'd say, I'd like a weekend to ourselves, and he'd respond with some bizarre statement like the one above from your husband. Highly unpleasant and deliberately obtuse.

You could try being utterly calm - 'Of course I'm not, my darling; you must see them as often as you like. On your own. For that quality time.'

I really feel for you, though.

Original poster
GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 19:00

To answer diddl question-no I dont believe she really enjoys to spend time with gc. As I said she never babysits or offers to take them out-her and fil both drive and they are comfortable financially.

I know on mn you are accused of being entitled if you expect gps to help out but quite honestly in my circle of friends it is the norm-they have gps who will have the dcs for the weekend,take then out etc....

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Original poster
GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 19:01

diddl-I have actually said those exact words to him before-fuck off back to mummy and I just get a Hmm face or the classic "this is my house"Angry

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diddl · 03/08/2012 19:01

That´s really sad.

I´d keep them away then & start a Sunday tradition of you & the children!

Original poster
GoranisGod · 03/08/2012 19:03

I have actually only to come to realise how sad it actually is over the past couple of years when I have observed how friends are treated by their dhSad

But I am too much of a coward to walk away from my marriage so am stuck.Its shit.

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diddl · 03/08/2012 19:06

If you enjoyed/wanted to go, it would be OK.

Does your husband enjoy spending time with you & the children?

Does he care if just he goes for Sunday lunch-other than having to answer to his mum?

Primrose123 · 03/08/2012 19:07

Goran, good luck, I hope this works out for you.

I have got myself into a similar situation, but not nearly as serious as yours. We go to the in laws every Saturday evening for a meal. They are nice people, but we don't have much in common, so the conversation is the same every week. The DC are getting a bit bored with it too. The problem is that Saturday is the only day we are all free to do something together as a family, and we are watching the clock, and usually end up not doing anything. My argument is that we are still (relatively) young, and should be having fun on a Saturday night, not spending it with two old age pensioners (although I do like them, honestly, they are just a bit too clingy).

For the last few weeks, mil has been unwell (nothing serious) so we didn't go. We have had lovely Saturdays, just done things on the spur of the moment, and been out for meals. I have suggested to DH that we go one evening in the week instead (and I won't have to cook that evening!), he has put this to them, and hopefully this is what will happen.

Do you think this could be an option for your family?

beingagoodmumishard · 03/08/2012 19:09

if dh actually went on his own to his mother's on a Sunday would he end up having to actually talk to her rather than just sit there and read the paper and watch tv