Please Help me- I am in shock my life has suddenly turned into the Jeremy Kyle show

[broodyandpoor]

Tonight my DP (of 3 years) me 28 him 45 came home to tellme that £460 has been automatically taken out of his monthly wage from the CSA
Today is the irst he has ever know of or heard of the fact he even has achild.
He is apparently 21 now and my DP owes £9000 which without any warning the CSA have taken from his wage. It is as simple as this- he is on a minimum wage and another month of this will leave us homeless
He rang the CSA who said that they tried to contact him in 1998 to no avail.
When he told them that today is the first he knew he even had a child they hung up on him
This cant be right can it Please does anyone know anything about the laws on this where do we turn to?

Think you phoning the CSA also shows how crap he is. He couldnt even do that. L

Poor lad You really don't want that to be your dc in a few years time.

OP, this situation isn't just about money though, is it? It's about a 'man' who has known for probably 21 years at least 9 months that he has a son. Has he mentioned anything about his son, such as a desire to meet and get to know him, to apologise to him, to try and be part of his life? No? Then he's a fucking arsehole twat.

He's clearly known about this longer than 9 months. £2500 has already been paid by him to the CSA ffs. He's now claiming tiredness as a reason not to discuss things . Sorry OP, but he's not the 'burying his head in the sand' type, as you describe him - he's an unfeeling, selfish, immature, sorry excuse for a man who is financially abusive to boot (lying about money, brushing off threat of bailiffs etc). My advice would be to get him to leave or leave yourself, then financially disassociate yourself from him, as his debts will affect you if you have joint financial products such as joint account. If you stay with him, he'll bring you down too. Dont wait to see where you'll be in September because that'll be a passive decision, almost one that's made for you - take control and decide based on whats happening now.

Your life is just beginning - start your uni career as a confident single woman with your head held high.

apologies havent read all

no way will the csa just take the money

i have just had dealings regarding my dc and his father,a loose term i use

hes didnt want to go on BC and then claimed to csa our son wasnt his

long story short has taken 6 months,had dna test etc and by monday will have £300 a month payed to my son (through me)

they would not just put phone down tc there is more to this than youare being told

sorry but ive been through this and i think theres more tan you know

I don't believe him. As an employer, I was asked by the district council to agree to pay a small percentage (can't remember exactly how much, but about £25 per month) back to the council straight out of my employee's wage packet, for her non-payment of council tax. The form I received was a legal document, signed by her and it had all been agreed in court.

Ask him for proof. No-one can just take money - if his son is 21, then he's not legally entitled to receive child support anymore, is he? He is hardly a child.

Doesn't ring true.
Very best of luck with it. Get proper advice from CAB.

Broody, what a horrible situation for you. I'm sorry, but he's still lying.

Child maintenance doesn't become due until after an assessment has been made. If an assessment isn't in place, no money is due. To do an assessment, the CSA needs a correct address and proof of income; and if they don't get these, they can't make an assessment. They write, and maybe phone too, and ask other people (including exes and employers) but ultimately, there is no getting away from the fact that they MUST have had contact with your partner at the date the assessment was made. If maintenance has been due since 1998, then this is when he knew.

Am so sorry.

What happened over the weekend?

I know it is a horrible situation, I have not seen him much as I work very long hours over the weekend.
For those of you that have been so helpful to me...

I am in following a 12 step programme myself (OA) and my sponsor has told me that people with the illness of addiction tend to be in relationships with other people who are 'unwell' she has pointed me in the direction of Debtors Anon for my DP as he is terrible at handling money and the symptoms are burying your head in the sand, inabilty to deal with deadlines/life stuff etc.

DP felt relieved when he heard that other people are like him and we have both decided to be in recovery together in order to have a healthy relationship, I think admitting he is not well has been a big step for him, unfortunately the nearest DA group to us is a 2 hour drive away.

For me this is a last resort and if he shows no progress or willingness to recover I will have to leave him as a message to my own self about my worth.

I have established by talking to the CSA that they had been writing to incorrect addresses over the years and that he didn't tell me in October because he himself is a little boy because he was so confused and didn't know what to do or say, or if it was even true.

My issue with all of this was the feeling that he had lied to me and to be honest I am still grappling with that.

My dad is quite worried about me and I don't want him to I just want to stand on my own as a stable person.

For the benefit of my own recovery and my wish to some day have a family I have told him that I wont be able to stay with him if he does not seek help and do the 12 step programme.

I know this is unexpected but it helps me to write it down as it documents this very confusing time.

Hi broody thanks for coming back to us with an update. Well done on discussing it with your sponsor, it sounds like you've been given really good advice and I'm glad to hear you have real life support. please don't let this jeopardise your own recovery, stay strong