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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please Help me- I am in shock my life has suddenly turned into the Jeremy Kyle show

159 replies

broodyandpoor · 02/08/2012 21:53

Tonight my DP (of 3 years) me 28 him 45 came home to tellme that £460 has been automatically taken out of his monthly wage from the CSA
Today is the irst he has ever know of or heard of the fact he even has achild.
He is apparently 21 now and my DP owes £9000 which without any warning the CSA have taken from his wage. It is as simple as this- he is on a minimum wage and another month of this will leave us homeless Sad
He rang the CSA who said that they tried to contact him in 1998 to no avail.
When he told them that today is the first he knew he even had a child they hung up on him Confused
This cant be right can it Please does anyone know anything about the laws on this where do we turn to?

OP posts:
CommunistMoon · 03/08/2012 00:34

Sorry to say this, and I know it will be no consolation right now, but it is a good thing for you that this has come out now rather than later. Take care.

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 03/08/2012 00:36

Thank you for your support everyone, its helping.. im just reading a letter from october 2011 warning him if he didnt ring them they would take the money out of his wages hignored it for 9 months and didnt tell me ;(

OP posts:
MarygoeZforgold · 03/08/2012 00:42

And to add to the problems there is some poor kid out there who is 19 and whose father has not only done a runner, but when caught up on is ignoring the whole thing Sad.

I agree this isn't the type of person you would want to have children with.

CuriousMama · 03/08/2012 00:47

Sad So sorry you're going through this. And agree, his poor son Sad

balotelli · 03/08/2012 06:29

Be Inspired by the Olympics and RUN RUN RUN, then cycle, swim and row away from this twat as fast as you can. Before its toooo late.

Isityouorme · 03/08/2012 06:42

There is no way you can have a relationship with this man. He has lied, dedieved you, been a twat in other ways, but worst of all he has hidden a child from you. How can you treat a child like that. Wanker. Go to uni and start afresh.

ettiketti · 03/08/2012 07:14

He's got to be lying....my ex was found after 16 absent years, they can only backdate to the day they made contact with the absent parent, I was told, and cannot take so much money as to make you suffer financial hardship. My ale friend has a charge on.his house for £6k for his arrears and pays a reasonable amount each month. Only until 18 tho!

holyfishnets · 03/08/2012 08:03

blood test.

holyfishnets · 03/08/2012 08:17

Sorry just read whole post. How awful for you. He really hasn't been honest. He should have told you as soon as he got his first letter - sat you down and laid all his cards on the table.

how long has he truely known? If it has been years then I would consider leaving him. Who wants to be with a lier? The fact he has a kid from years ago isn't the issue, but the deceit is.

I think if he talks to the CSA they will make the payments more affordable and reflective of your income. The problem is that he has refused to deal with the issue and has decided not to tell you.

In your shoes I would 1) demand complete honestly and an end to lies. 2) demand he contacts the CSA today and arrange for more affordable payments.

greenwichgroove · 03/08/2012 08:23

I'm sorry op but I think he fully knew about the child and the csa, I was fed a load of rubbish like this by an ex, how she was always lying she was pregnant and trying to trick him into pregnannncy.

It was a load of rubbish :(

Is house just in his name?

holyfishnets · 03/08/2012 08:37

Actually on second thoughts I would make him move out.

Yes and also he has known he has had a kid for years and yet has decided to ignore the kid completely. He has had no fatherly role in his life. What kind of father would he be to your kids?

I would want to know the truth and I don't think I could take his word for it, considering how he has lied so far.

Is it worth FB the mother? Could you be honest but not too detailed. Don't mention the money. Explain you are the partner and just say that you have only just discovered that he has a son and am struggling to get to the route of things with DH who says that he only first got the letters from the CSA about a year ago and even then wasn't sure what the letters were about. Explain that you are concerned that he hasn't been honest with you about how long he has known he has had a son/been receiving CSA letters and wonder if she could let you know things from her point of view. Maybe say you need to make some decisions about your future over the next few weeks and wanted all the facts before knowing what to do next.

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 03/08/2012 08:47

No the house is not in his name we are both renting a house together.
I woke him up at 2 am because I was feeling a bit neurotic about the fact he could have lied to me. He said he really didnt know anything about it untill last October. I said that he makes me feel insecure that he doesnt a)tell me about such letters or b) ring the CSA in the first instance, one of the threats is that the bailifs have every right to come, his driving licence could get taken away, he ould go to jail- he didnt think to tell me and he cant understand why that hurts me so much- Confused
Im off to work now after a very short nights sleep, thanks for your help. Im wobbling now about whether to break up with him over this, this is so hard Sad

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 03/08/2012 08:52

whatever he says, i don't believe he was JUST burying his head in the sand, I think he knew EXACTLY what he was trying to get away with, both in ducking out of his parental responsibility and in lying to YOU all along. he has heard stories about how crap the CSA are, and thought he could get away with it, you would be surprised what folk think they can get away with, keeping secrets and lying and leading double lives.

ask yourself, what else has he been lying about??

if he doesn't step up to the mark with HUGE apologies, remorse, and a sensible mature attitude to all this (going off in a sulk FFS!!), and a proper explanation, then you have no future with him

thats harsh, and I am sorry for you, but its true

gettingeasier · 03/08/2012 08:52

What Morloth said

Its hard when you feel you've got your future mapped out and bang something happens to lay it to ruins

For me this would be ruins. He has lied about something huge over a long period of time and that would be that. Also, call me harsh, but I wouldnt want to be tied to someone with such a poor grip on finances

KristinaM · 03/08/2012 08:58

Did he move to France years ago to avoid his responsibilities to his child?

OlymPicture · 03/08/2012 09:03

I don't often say this but this is definitely a "leave the bastard" thread.

He has lied to you, put you in a precarious financial position, but far far worse is that he ran from and denied a child - would you want to have a child with a man who treated the women and children in his life so shoddily and with such disdain?

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 03/08/2012 09:04

No he is French which is why he knew nothing about the CSA

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 03/08/2012 09:09

An aside. People do get frightened about money though. How many people get into debt because they can't face all the bills and letters? Typical ostrich behaviour.

He hasn't told you because he thinks you will leave him if he has "baggage". You very well may leave, not because of his past but because he hid his past. Different thing, but same consequences.

It needs to be sorted out NOW; CSA contacted etc.

Have you managed to uncover whether he is the father, or can the CSA just make assumptions based on letters ignored? (Sorry, no dealing in these matters)

mummytime · 03/08/2012 09:15

A friend of mine once told me that more relationships split over money than adultery. You can leave him over this and be fully justified.

DontmindifIdo · 03/08/2012 09:21

If you want to leave him and are renting the property, can you talk to your landlord? Most will be sympathetic if you want to get out of a tenancy due to the relationship ending if you aren't too early in the tenancy agreement. You will probably have to sacrifice your deposit unless feckless DP can find a flat mate to take over the other half of bills.

Get out now, even if you do end up together, at least this way you can do your course and focus on your career without being financially tied to him - if you want to date him then do that away from your future and security being tied to him until he's got himself sorted out (of course, the sort of man who can just pretend this isn't happening isn't someone I could be arsed building a future with...)

MarygoeZforgold · 03/08/2012 09:23

The money issue is, in my view, secondary.

The fact is that he has known for nearly a year (by his admission) and probably for a lot longer that he has a child. And for that year he hasn't told you, and even worse, he has made no effort to confirm the child is his or to find out more or contact him/her.

If he genuinely didn't know there was a child at all, any decent man would be furious that it had been kept a secret from him and would be fighting tooth and nail to get contact.

He should also be offering money, not waiting for the CSA to catch up on him.

So no matter what the outcome financially I think if I was you I wouldn't want to build a future with him Sad.

Paiviaso · 03/08/2012 09:33

OP, I think you should look at this situation as a lucky escape.

You have been very fortunate to realise, before marriage and children, that this man is not who you thought he is - he lies to you, he has a child with someone else, he is in debt, and he does NOT face up to his responsibilities.

Do not stay with this man now that you know his true character. You are still young. Find a genuine partner.

Good luck :)

Dprince · 03/08/2012 09:42

I don't believe for a second he didn't know what the csa was.
He had already paid. I know if dh got a letter he didn't understand and actually really didn't understand, he would at least mention it, to me. Probably show me.
We had a letter from a debt collector chasing us for money. Dh didn't get it as we pay by dd. He passed it to me. Then he rang them to find out what was going on. Turned out our previous landlord had said we moved out of the house this march when we moved last September.
We had rang them and told them we moved. Then the landlord moved. They checked their systems and saw we had set up a new dd the day we moved. They sorted it all out. Took 30 minutes, tops to sort out.
Had he have just called them when he got the first letter, he wouldn't be in this position and wouldn't have betrayed you.

AKMD · 03/08/2012 09:49

Agree with everyone saying that this is a lucky escape. You're 28, you're not married to him, you don't have a joint mortgage, you dont have any children together. This is an awful situation but it could be so, so much worse.

futureunknown · 03/08/2012 10:13

I am so sorry OP but as AKMD says it could be so much worse. You could have a mortgage and two children to support. You are independent, young and can move on. Good luck.