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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please Help me- I am in shock my life has suddenly turned into the Jeremy Kyle show

159 replies

broodyandpoor · 02/08/2012 21:53

Tonight my DP (of 3 years) me 28 him 45 came home to tellme that £460 has been automatically taken out of his monthly wage from the CSA
Today is the irst he has ever know of or heard of the fact he even has achild.
He is apparently 21 now and my DP owes £9000 which without any warning the CSA have taken from his wage. It is as simple as this- he is on a minimum wage and another month of this will leave us homeless
He rang the CSA who said that they tried to contact him in 1998 to no avail.
When he told them that today is the first he knew he even had a child they hung up on him
This cant be right can it Please does anyone know anything about the laws on this where do we turn to?

OP posts:

AGiraffeOnTheDivingBoard · 03/08/2012 10:13

Yes mummytime - My DM was a family solicitor and said divorces are either about sex or money and usually both. Financial honesty is crucial.

His inability to face up to his financial responsibilities are indicative of an immature attitude. If you're the type of person who is happy to take control of finances and can be the one who always sorts out the household admin then a man/child might not be a deal breaker. It would be for me.

He should also be having serious conversations with you about how to build a relationship with his son - not lying to you about letters and saying the CSA are hanging up on him . My DS is growing up with the (increasing) realisation that his father has chosen not to be a part in his life and it's heartbreaking.

Please don't take this as patronising - but 28 is young, you have so much time. In 6 months your life could be completely different. I called off a wedding at 28 and money was one of my many reasons - it remains one of my finest decisions plenty of shit ones followed but now is not the time to share those gems

CinnabarRed · 03/08/2012 10:14

He's been living in this country for many years - of course he knows what the CSA is. Or, if he really didn't then 30 seconds on Google would have informed him.

FrothyOM · 03/08/2012 10:25

This is a lucky escape even though it hurts.

And just remember, it's not your life that's like something on Jeremy Kyle - it's his.

wineandroses · 03/08/2012 10:27

Also, the works 'Child Support Agency' might have given him a clue as to what the CSA are! Actually, it's all nonsense. He knew exactly what was what. I would think he's managed to avoid paying all these years, probably by staying one step ahead of his exgf, and thought if he ignored these letters the CSA would go away.

Op, if I were you, my biggest concerns would be:

He has not wanted a part in his son's life, which I find heartbreaking for the poor boy;
He has taken no emotional or financial responsibility for his child;
He probably dumped pregnant exgf as soon as he found out;
He's been dodging and weaving that responsibility ever since;
He's lied and lied to you for 3 years;
He's still lying and trying to get away with telling you as little (or as twisted a version) as he can get away with;
He is 45 FGS and he still isn't mature enough to want to take some responsibility for his past mistakes, still can't sort out his finances, still fucks off whenever there's an argument.

You can't possibly want such a feckless git to father any children with you, can you? Because you have a great big picture in front of you of what the future holds. Run now.

CinnabarRed · 03/08/2012 10:29

And you said upstream that he's already paid them £2,500 - not something you'd just do on a whim, to an organisation you didn't know, hmm?

bringbacksideburns · 03/08/2012 10:29

I couldn't have any respect for a man who ignored his child. I understand relationships fail etc and not everything is cut and dried, but no financial support whatsover in 21 years and ignoring letters when he's 45 years old and up to his eyes in debt.

He really doesn't look like a good bet. Get out now whilst you can.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 03/08/2012 10:35

I echo what everyone else has said. He received a letter stating he has a child and money was going to be taken and HE DID NOTHING to find out what it was all about!!

I really really could not be with someone like this, however I think as you are now "wobbling" about whether to leave this soon after finding out and without having discussed IN DEPTH what you and he are going to do about this basically indicates you will stay.

Therefore be aware that any money or financial security will always always be under threat and you will for ever be wondering what next big "surprise" will be landed on you to sort out.

You say you "love" him - so you love the traits of a liar, feckless Dad, someone who cant take responsibly for their own actions?? I personally have more respect for myself which is why when I was in a relationship with a gambler - I worked away (and thank god I did as he got his house repossessed meaning his future wife and newborn baby were made homeless)

ThighsTheLimit · 03/08/2012 10:37

The CSA most certainly can take money without proof of paternity. My ex husband got a letter through the door one day for a child he knew nothing about. The onus was on him to prove he WAS NOT the father of the child.

He was not on the birth certificate and hadn't had a paternity test. He was sent threatening letters for money and if he didn't comply, it would be taken direct from his wages.

As it turns out - he was not the father - an arsehole who had an affair, but not the father. He had to pay up front for their paternity test, and pay maintenance until the results came through. He was then refunded everything, but they took the word of the mother first with no proof.

AKMD · 03/08/2012 10:46

OP, are you seriously thinking about staying with this man? This has been a shock but you are in a comparatively good position. Continuing this relationship would be an utter disaster - no financial security, no foundation of trust and honesty, a partner who doesn't take responsibility for his actions. It's none of my business but that is just doomed.

Sallyingforth · 03/08/2012 10:55

OP I hope that work doesn't got too badly for you today after the terrible shock you have had.
I'm going to be blunt, and I apologise in advance if it hurts.
You are thinking at the moment that you are unlucky for this to happen to you.
You are not. You are bloody lucky to have found out in time that this man you are living with is a lying bastard who can impregnate a woman but is incapable of being a father.
You are also fortunate that you are about to start uni which will give you a fresh start in life, new friends and a new career. You have a lot going for you now and you don't have this git hanging round your neck any more.
Get out now and get on with your life. In a few months' time you are going to feel so relieved that you ditched him before you became his second fuck-and-run victim.

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2012 11:03

It wouldn't even matter if the child is not his as far as you're concerned, op.
What matters is you're with a man who is a weak, lying, jellyfish with no backbone or integrity. He has nothing to offer you.
The child is of course is another matter . But for you, just walk.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 03/08/2012 11:06

You are a fool if you believe he didn't know tbh.

BlueMoonFergie · 03/08/2012 11:15

Didn't know what the letters meant? What absolute claptrap. He must think you are an idiot OP if he expects you to believe that. If I got a letter I didn't understand the first thing I would do us ask DH what he thought of it. He didn't do that. Why do you think that is? Because he understood full well what it was, and knew showing you would bring up awkward questions.
He understood those letters well enough to know he didn't want you to see them. That tells you everything you need to know about this man's lying, deceitful, cowardly nature.

CuriousMama · 03/08/2012 11:31

I really hope you're listening to the wise posts on here OP?

Madmum24 · 03/08/2012 11:50

Sorry OP, it doesn't matter if he is French, Afghani or Papua New Guinean, if he has a basic command of english then ignoring the letters because "he doesn't know what CSA is" is a very poor excuse. This man is not father material for future children so you must reconsider your life with him.

wfhmumoftwo · 03/08/2012 12:16

It IS plausible that he genuinely did not know anything of his child until he was grown up. He may not have dumped his gf leaving her pregnant and on his own. THis could have been the first he heard of it - BUT - receiving the letters back in Oct should have spurred him to do something, contact CSA, get proof of paternity if he doubted it, and most of all TELL you about it, at which point you could have dealt with it together, rather than burying his head in the sand, ignoring it and hoping it will go away.

What you need and deserve now is the truth. IMO its not the child (rather adult now) or the money thats the main problem here, its the fact that after 3 years together he does not respect you enough to tell you about it all those months ago, and even now doesn;t appear to be honest about the situation.

On this i would find it very difficult to stay with a man like that.

oldraver · 03/08/2012 12:31

OP says the letter of October 2011 states they will take the money form his wages (Attatchment of Earnings). It takes the CSA a long time to get to this point, probably years

Original poster

broodyandpoor · 03/08/2012 18:34

Thanks all, I have decided that I have 2 options, either stay and allow my self-esteem to be dragged to the ground or go and work on myself so that I don't always attract people with such issues.
Its horrible I dont know what to do RIGHT now, Im waiting to hear back from my local uni to see where Ill be living in September then Ill go from there

OP posts:

noelstudios · 03/08/2012 19:03

Good luck OP, you're 28, still really young. You're not tied by marriage, children or mortgage etc. You can literally just pack a bag and take off. I'm sure you'll be able to sort out accommodation for Uni.

My money is on you meeting a keeper in Freshers week!

I'm sorry that this has happened OP, but it sounds like you've got a great future ahead of you!

CuriousMama · 03/08/2012 19:04

I think you've answered your own question.

Sallyingforth · 03/08/2012 19:08

Well done broody. You know what you have to do.
Once you have broken free your life can only improve. Good luck!

PedanticPanda · 03/08/2012 19:21

He's lying to you sorry, they don't just take money from your wages. If your partner isn't on the bcert they contact him to confirm he's the father and he's offered a DNA test to prove he isn't.

Original poster

broodyandpoor · 03/08/2012 19:49

I think he is, Ive looked at the child (man) on facebook (I know it's terrible) but he is definitely my DP's son I feel so sorry for him, probably my projection but he has sad eyes.
I just spoke to the CSA who were very helpful and patient with all my questions, they said that sometimes letters get sent that go to the wrong address so it is possible that the first he heard was last October but that's still 9 months of keeping a massive secret from me.

OP posts:

PedanticPanda · 03/08/2012 19:52

I'm really sorry broody

FrothyOM · 03/08/2012 19:55

Good luck

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