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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please Help me- I am in shock my life has suddenly turned into the Jeremy Kyle show

159 replies

broodyandpoor · 02/08/2012 21:53

Tonight my DP (of 3 years) me 28 him 45 came home to tellme that £460 has been automatically taken out of his monthly wage from the CSA
Today is the irst he has ever know of or heard of the fact he even has achild.
He is apparently 21 now and my DP owes £9000 which without any warning the CSA have taken from his wage. It is as simple as this- he is on a minimum wage and another month of this will leave us homeless Sad
He rang the CSA who said that they tried to contact him in 1998 to no avail.
When he told them that today is the first he knew he even had a child they hung up on him Confused
This cant be right can it Please does anyone know anything about the laws on this where do we turn to?

OP posts:
meetupmisery · 02/08/2012 22:34

Not right this OP, where has they gone?... Hmmmmmm.

flow4 · 02/08/2012 22:35

I'm sorry, I don't think he's telling you the truth. :(

I have been trying to recover some child maintenance from my son's father for 13 years. I haven't yet had a penny. Before the CSA can get to the point of taking money from someone's wages, a whole process MUST have happened:

  • The child has to be proved to be yours, by birth certificate or DNA
  • The CSA makes an assessment
  • They ask for the money
  • They ask again (and I think again)
  • They apply for a County Court Judgement to confirm you owe the debt - and you are notified about the application and when the Judgement is made
  • A debt/arrears repayment arrangement is agreed - you are contacted about this even if you don't respond
  • If you fail to make or keep it, they apply for an Attachment of Earnings Order
  • You have to provide your income and employment details
  • If you fail to provide that, a warrant is issued for your arrest, and/or a bailiff is sent to bring you to court to complete the paperwork
  • Finally, money is taken out of your wages

It is conceivable that the CSA messed up and/or he failed to find out about one or two of these steps (they are totally rubbish - which is why I have still not received a penny!) but I'm afraid I don't think it's remotely possible that all of this could have happened without him knowing about some of it.

Binkyridesagain · 02/08/2012 22:36

This is a very wiffy OP, has a smell of bullshit about it, I just can't tell if it's the OP or her DH

hairylemon · 02/08/2012 22:44

I didn't think you could get maintenance backdated, certainly not once the kid is over 16/18?

Socknickingpixie · 02/08/2012 22:49

fwiw it wont matter if his name is not on the cert, a birth certificate can be used as evidence of paternity by a rp but the absense of a name on it cannot be used as evidence of a lack of paternity by a nrp.

the max figure they could take used to be 40% in total to inc current maintainance as well as backpay unless a welfare benefit is recived then its a quid a week.they cannot leave you with an ammount less than your personal protected income.but i am unsure if it is still the same ammount

given that its an actual previous gf that he has admitted to being with i would eat my own left foot if this is really the first hes ever heard about unless ofcourse she had several bf's with the same name and dob.sorry op but hes either lieing or has memory issues,the csa at the first contact ask you to confirm you are the parent if you do not disagree within a certain time you are deamed to be so.

didnt the csa only start up in 93? they only cover cases of cm since the start date and even if a claim was made on the same day they cannot backdate to befor the agency existed.

Minshu · 02/08/2012 22:51

I know someone who had money taken from his wages, but it was the employer's error as it should have been deducted from the pay of another man with the same surname working for the company. CSA had given the employer the details, which would have included the national insurance number, but the payroll department processed it incorrectly apparently using the first employee with that surname (friend's first name begins with A).

Obviously, the mother being someone known to OP's DP makes this explanation a little unlikely...

LordOfThe5Rings · 02/08/2012 22:53

Flow is right. This makes no logical sense.

achillea · 02/08/2012 22:55

SHE was 18, HE was 24, child is 21. £9000 is just enough to cover a degree course. I think the CSA are just trying to hit their targets in the face of massive government cuts.

bisjolympics · 02/08/2012 23:04

Fwiw when the CSA had a computer problem that delayed my application being processed for 3 months they could not have been more helpful. When they called this week to say ds's father had filed his latest tax return and the payment was revised to £16 per week they couldn't have been mor apologetic or more helpful. They gave me the number of the HMRC tax evasion phone line to report my ex (he must be the only self employed plumber with a net income of £140 per week!).

Based on what you have posted it seems your dp is being either selective in what he has told you or you have misunderstood what he has said. Either way it doesn't make sense.

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 02/08/2012 23:05

Okay Im back yes he was 24 when he was breifly with her.
I am cross because my DP has just shown me letters dating back to October of last year regarding this which he said he ignored because he didnt even know what it was Confused
surely he'd have at least told me??????4

Then I looked up mother and son on face book and the boy looks exactly likemy DP

I have had a go at DP at first I was supportive we can get through anything girlfriend
Now I am Angry Angry Angry That he has been burting his head in the sand

One of the letters threatens to take him to prison and send Bailiffs roud.

Ive told him that he is a walking catastrophe and he has stormed off because he says he is tired

Confused

I am so confused right now and so mad that he has kept these monthly letters from me for 9 months- This is mental

OP posts:
bp300 · 02/08/2012 23:05

ENormaSnob Thu 02-Aug-12 22:20:29
Anyone know Richard Bransons ni number?
_
You won't get away with it he's VIRGIN

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 02/08/2012 23:07

How can I have children with someone who is such a disaster with life.
He has a court letter too which is about unpaid credit cards-

AND AND

last month they took 490 quid and he told me that he just thought that he'd spent too much on holiday all our direct debits bounced and he only just realised to day that 50 percent of his wages were taken out?????

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 02/08/2012 23:10

Sad I am sorry OP. I knew he would have known more than he was letting on.

What do you want to do? It's a heavy weight to start family life with.

LordOfThe5Rings · 02/08/2012 23:10

I am sorry but how stupid is he! If he didn't understand he should've gone to CAB or soliciters to be given advice.

squeakytoy · 02/08/2012 23:12

If this is all true, then I would seriously rethink a relationship with someone who is such a feckless waste of space.

It has disaster written all over it.

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 02/08/2012 23:13

Well I know it sounds terrible but though I love him I want to leave now this is very shaky ground to build a life with someone on- we are compatible in every other sense apart from the way we handle money but I think it's enough to put an end to it Im very Sad and I cant sleep- have a knot in my stomach.

OP posts:
LordOfThe5Rings · 02/08/2012 23:13

Don't start a family with this man. He can't even be honest, doesn't know how to deal with money and isn't understanding how this has made you feel. If you have a joint account please suspend it- don't let any of your money pay for his incompetence.

LordOfThe5Rings · 02/08/2012 23:14

How long you beentogetherOP?

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 02/08/2012 23:14

3 years Sad

OP posts:
LordOfThe5Rings · 02/08/2012 23:14

Supposed to be a space between together and OP - whoops!

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 02/08/2012 23:15

my parents are coming up soon and we were all going to go to this hippy festival together I cant beleive this has happened Sad

OP posts:
LordOfThe5Rings · 02/08/2012 23:15

I am so sorry it has come to this. You can think you know someone...

larks35 · 02/08/2012 23:15

"How can I have children with someone who is such a disaster with life."

Don't. You're 28, you've got years to find someone less feckless to make a family with. He hasn't told you the whole truth yet either. If said son is now 21 the mum must have claimed several years ago and he would have been contacted, probably before you and he got together.

Ditch him and move on is my advice.

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 02/08/2012 23:16

Im just about to start Uni (teaching degree) Couldn't be more disastrous

OP posts:
froggies · 02/08/2012 23:16

I have been waiting for the CSA to catch up with my ex1 (again) he owes nearly 30k in arrears over 15 years.

The CSA told me that: 1) they can take up to a maximum of 40% of income to cover regular payments and arrears. 2) they only put an attachment of earnings on if there is history of avoiding payment. 3) payment is backdated to the date the claim was received by them. 4) payment is taken until the 19th birthday as long as the child is in full time non-higher education -so being at uni would end the eligibility of the claim.

However, ex2 who is self employed, has an older daughter, and while he was with me he decided to not reply to CSA (idiot) and they ended up taking him to court, landing him with a liability order and then took £4.5k directly from his bank account, even though he had already agreed a payment plan with them.

Also, as an aside... My uni fees are £9.5k per year, wish I could get he whole lot for £9k.... If the catch ex1, and he has the means to pay, I might manage to finish my degree, and pay DS through his! (if he does an work to pass his exams)