To tell my DP things friends tell me?

[CharlieMouseWillDoIt]

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

And seriously I'm in a long term relationship and find plenty of other stuff to talk about with my DH. Telling your partner other people's secrets in not a measure of how close and strong your marriage is. Its a measure that you can't keep your mouth shut.

Well that's absurd though. My husband wouldn't give a shit if you had piles.

Neither would I and I would expect you to find another friend to divulge those kinds of "secrets" too

But the point Kick is that if a friend tells you something in confidence - you should keep it to yourself.

But this is clearly one of those issues that people will never agree on.

Wow so this is the MN that people talk about?

Self-righteous bitter nasties?

Shew

Or vipers Kick - whichever floats your boat

Lord Almighty, why would someone else's secret cause you hurt or distress??????

It doesn't belong to you!

I don't tell DH anything my friends tell me, unless given explicit permission to do so. I have, on occasion, asked if they mind if I discuss it with DH because I want his input.

It wouldn't occur to me TBH.

But then, I don't think DH would care about most things my friends tell me. Friend X is about to start trying for another baby? So what?

But yes its terribly self-righteous and nasty to keep a secret.

That's it Kick, if in doubt slag everyone off who disagrees with you.

FermezLaBouche I don't have a DP or DH either and I don't feel the need to blab anyone's secrets but when I did have a DH we talked about pretty much everything and it was certainly not in a gossipy way we just had that kind of relationship. My ex partner (can't use the 'D' on that) now I wouldn't have told him anything as he was a bit of a twat.

I wasn't neccersarily referring to your piles Mrs can't say I've ever actually had that news from a friend.

But In that case I expect it would come up in passing, DH would snigger, I'd tell him not to be a git. He'd forget about it.

Life would go on.

It's bizarre this paranoia.

Where is the harm in married couples sharing if it stays within the marriage and noone is a twat?

my ex used to tell me stuff about his friends that I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want me to know and I made it clear I wasn't interested . He was actually, just a self-important gossip and I think it made him feel more important that he "knew" this stuff about people so had to let on to someone that he knew it. This just meant that I rarely told him anything of any importance unless I was happy for it to be passed on and I absolutely, no way, would have told him anything someone else told to me in confidence.

I think passing on most things told in confidence is quite shameful actually, and is gossip.

Where is the harm in married couples sharing if it stays within the marriage and noone is a twat? Totally agree

BARF at "i think of me and DH as one"

depends on the secret TBH. When I had an ectopic pregnancy I told a few close friends. One of their DH's came up to me at an appropriate moment at a party and said very senstively that he was so sorry to hear what had happened. Didn't bother me in the slightest. infact i thought it was very nice of him to say something so thoughtful.

I tell my DH the stuff I think is ok to share (who's TTC, who's not enjoying their job) and don't tell him the stuff that isn't (who's cheating on their 'd'H, who's picked their wedding dress and stuff i've been asked to keep secret)

but still barfing at "i think of me and DH as one"

Felicity - do you possibly get that the thought of your DH sniggering at one of your friends isn't terribly nice? Ok the piles thing is obviously just an example but surely you get the point?

And lots of people are married to twats but they don't realise it at the time.

"Where is the harm in married couples sharing if it stays within the marriage and noone is a twat?"

Because it's not up to the person who is told the secret to decide who else to tell.

So not only will you tell your DH what I say but I'm not even allowed to discuss my piles with you or any other problems for that matter because I'm dumping negativity on you?!

This does seem like the separate holidays issue, each couple has different opinions.

I just cannot see how private topics can be shared with your partner. If I wanted him to know I would have told him.

Because if someone has said 'please don't tell anyone' well then it's not your secret to tell.

It really is that simple.

"But In that case I expect it would come up in passing, DH would snigger, I'd tell him not to be a git. He'd forget about it."

Wow. Just .......wow. So glad you're not a friend of mine!

I tell DH everything.

Even if my mum says don't tell anyone I say 'other than DH'

But he
Is the most trustworthy person ever

No point really worrying about this sort of thing. There are plenty of men out there who no doubt think that anything that happens in the bedroom is absolutely confidential and would be horrified to think it may have been shared and giggled over during a drunken gossip with their partner's best mates. There are other people who would be appalled if they knew that moments of intimate family life were being broadcast to strangers on the internet, but MN runs on it.

Everyone follows their own moral code through life in the end. Ultimately if you really don't want other people to know something, don't tell anyone!

Agree with ruby that what you tell and don't tell your DH depends on the importance of the issue in question - it is a scale. If my friend tells me something inconsequential, like she's going to Greece on holiday this year, I might tell DH if he knows her or we've been talking about holidays - ie its relevant. Tbh I equally might not, because we don't talk about others that much - I guess the short time we do have we've enough to talk about with our own family and generally I find us a much more interesting subject - and it might not happen to be something he's interested in.

Equally there are more serious issues and sometimes it could be appropriate to discuss them, I think I said in my first post there are exceptions, for example when they're impacting upon you to the detriment of your relationship or family, because they then become DH's concern. But what I still think is there's a very strong need to respect that person's privacy, safeguard it as much as you can by only discussing what you need - basically, to respect that person.Because everyone on this earth deserves respect, be they husband, friend or stranger, and you can't trump that, unless there's a relevant reason (Bonkey in your example, if a friend told me something about DH but asked me not to tell, it obviously concerns him therefore, bearing in mind and subject to the reasons for her telling me and the consequences for him and her if I shared the confidence, it could be one of those exceptions).

In a case such as OP mentioned, though, I would still say,, unless you're certain that a friend would be happy to share personal news with your partner, then if it doesn't matter to him one way or t'other, might be best not to.

My issue isn't whether someone is the most trustworthy person ever or not.

If I want someone to know something personal to me I will tell them myself. There are lots of friend's husbands and partners that I don't know hugely well and certainly not to the extent that I'd want them knowing personal, potentially sad, potentially embarassing things about me.

I am just horrified by this thread. "don't tell anyone" means just that. Not "anyone except dp" How could anyone think differently?