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Original poster

To tell my DP things friends tell me?

378 replies

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:08

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

OP posts:
HugeMedalTally · 02/08/2012 13:16

When I was in my early teens, I told my mother something (a bit embarrassing) in confidence. Later my father mentioned it to me.

I never told my mother anything in confidence again, and do not tell other people's secrets to my own DH (including my DC's secrets).

My own secrets are a different matter. I can choose if I want to tell him everything, or not.

ohmysilverballs · 02/08/2012 13:17

I absolutely would not share things like a friend having a termination with my husband, I would imagine it would go without saying you wouldn't.

KickTheGuru · 02/08/2012 13:20

I tell my DH everything

Especially if I need to talk something through. If someone tell me a "secret" that I know upsets me or hurts me or makes me think, then I talk it through with my DH

If someone is an exceptionally good mate and she tells me something that she is upset about and I'm worried about her, I don't care how "secret" it is. Sometimes, it will make me change MY behaviour and that means, it becomes my DH's problem.

I does depend on the secret but my DH is the person I offload to. I don't think it's necessarily fair to discuss something with someone, then ask them to keep it a secret - especially if you're a good mate...

NarkedRaspberry · 02/08/2012 13:21

I wouldn't ever tell DH about something like a friends termination.

squoosh · 02/08/2012 13:21

Yeah KicktheGuru they're the ones being a bad friend! Shock

bobbledunk · 02/08/2012 13:23

yabu not to warn her first that you have to blab everything to your husband. I don't understand why people can't keep things to themselves. Do you really have so little in your own life to talk about? No shared interests at all? Gossips are the most boring people, you're not even gossiping about anything remotely interesting!

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 13:26

God - wonder how many of us now will be keeping our secrets/problems very much to ourselves after reading this thread.

KickTheGuru · 02/08/2012 13:29

If a mate told me about a termination, I would have no other choice but to discuss that with my husband because, given how long we've been trying to have a baby for, it would upset me.

Discussing it with him would help me be able to help her - it would allow me to vent and rant and cry and then be the support she needs.

My DH doesn't judge, nor does he talk through things that we discuss outside of our relationship.

I also wouldn't say that it's "gossiping" to discuss something that a mate tells me. I would absolutely expect that things I tell my mates will get to their DH. Even if its a warning..."xx is considering terminating their pregnancy. Don't talk about how long we've been TTC for or anything"

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 13:31

But the thing is, no-one exists in a bubble - humans are social beings so saying "do you really have so little in your own lives to talk about" is kind of missing the point that interacting with others and sometimes talking about what they get up to is part of talking about your own life, iyswim.

OP posts:
KickTheGuru · 02/08/2012 13:32

And yeh, that coming from people who spend our lives on an internet forum, talking to strangers...

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 13:33

Kick - I get what you're saying but then if I was that friend the person I confided in about a termination wouldn't be someone who was actively ttc. Again its about sensitivity.

And that I think is the key - random stuff - of course I chat about with DH but not if its most definitely very personal or clearly a secret.

But all good news for mn as more people will be name-changing and confiding on here rather than in their friends who can not be relied upon to keep a confidence.

seeker · 02/08/2012 13:35

I am utterly horrified by this. "don't tell anyone else" means just that. It doesn't mean "don't tell anyone except your dp"!!!!!

Spuddybean · 02/08/2012 13:35

For me, like others have said, it does depend. If they said don't tell anyone, then i wouldn't and if it was a 'bad' secret (mate's having an affair) as opposed to a 'good' secret (trying for a baby) and yes I would judge whether to tell DP or not.

There are also things DP wouldn't give a shit about (how much mate spent on shoes - not that i would discuss that anyway - far too boring), and things he may care about (friends welfare, trouble at work - in which case i may pick DP's brain for suggested remedies).

Also to those who say it is 'gossip' there are some 'oooh you'll never guess what?' gossipy things but then again there are just conversation points, ie 'how's mate doing?' This is the kind of thing couples talk about, otherwise you wouldn't say much to each other. DP also tells me stuff about his staff (never met any of them btw). Ie so and so is pregnant/not working well/doing brilliantly etc. Often this is for advice (i work in HR) but also just to share what is going on in his life.

FermezLaBouche · 02/08/2012 13:37

KickTheGuru - I don't get your logic. I have no DP or DH and when someone confides in me I don't feel the need to share it with anyone, despite how much the secret might make me think. When female friends have shared their pregnancy news with me, that's obviously had an effect on me considering my termination - but I keep it to myself, take a deep breath and just be a friend.

I am shocked that you would share such personal secrets with your DH - would you tell your friend you had divulged her most personal concern? I would really hope you'd warn someone before they shared that you had no intention of keeping it to yourself.

thebody · 02/08/2012 13:37

This is a really interesting thread.

I tell my dh pretty much everything unless I know it would hurt or worry him,example one of my sons acted as a guarantee to another mates loan to a pay day loan. He was left with helping to pay the debt which he did.

Dh would have been livid so didn't tell him.

I think if a friend told me specifically NOT to tell dh then I wouldn't but noone has yet.

seeker · 02/08/2012 13:37

"If a mate told me about a termination, I would have no other choice but to discuss that with my husband because, given how long we've been trying to have a baby for, it would upset me."

You would most certainly have a choice! You could choose break your mate's confidence.

squoosh · 02/08/2012 13:38

There's a lot of Hallmark fluffy bobbins being spouted here as to why other people's personal stuff can't possibly be kept from partners.

Admit it, you get some gossip, you gotta spill.

RubyFakeNails · 02/08/2012 13:40

Is there an age/generation split about this?

My parents would have been in the 'not sharing camp' a secret was a secret to them.

I imagine my DDs generation to be in the share everything camp.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 13:40

I think thats the truth of it Squoosh. And utterly depressing it is too.

FermezLaBouche · 02/08/2012 13:41

Absolutely agree with squoosh

edam · 02/08/2012 13:43

Had this debate recently with two very close friends from university. The single friend was pissed off that we other two had both told our dhs something she'd said. We were both bemused - I don't think she'd said it was a secret, and it wasn't anything particularly damaging if it got out.

We decided she was being a bit innocent about how long-term partnerships/marriages work - I'd never expect anyone to keep a secret from their dh unless I'd specifically said 'don't tell'. Couples talk to each other - about all sorts of stuff. I wouldn't tell a third party anything personal that a friend had told me, but I might well tell dh, without really thinking about it.

FelicitywasSarca · 02/08/2012 13:46

But if you tell a friend something and they tell their DH (who is not a twat and does nothing with the information except support they DW). Why on earth does it matter? If anything you benefit from better support from your friend because she is also supported.

KickTheGuru · 02/08/2012 13:46

I think my mates know I discuss everything with my DH. Also, it's rare that mates tell me stuff that can't be extended to my DH.

And finally, how many people ONLY tell one person when they have problems? If you can tell the world about your issues and dump a bunch of negativity on me, then I will chose who to tell and to spare my negativity.

I guess my mates also understand that most of their secrets will be told to my DH. Much like I accept that my secrets will be told to theirs. I have never, EVER expected a truly close mate to keep something away from their partner. Not if I know that my secret is likely to cause them some degree of stress or hurt.

I guess it's also about what you expect and I don't expect my very close friends to keep my secrets from their other halves. I accept that by having those very close friends, that I will embrace their partner into my life. If I don't like or trust the partner, I don't tell that person anything that I find highly sensitive.

I also have a very good husband and brother and I know that everything I say to my brother goes to my SIL. Do I stop telling him stuff? No.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 13:49

Yes Felicity you are so right - it would be so much better if my friend's husband knew i had piles so he could support her through the trauma of my trauma Hmm

I don't have piles by the way.

NatashaBee · 02/08/2012 13:50

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