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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DP things friends tell me?

378 replies

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:08

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

OP posts:
nkf · 02/08/2012 12:46

I'll answer the question abour what I said about a husband to friends. I only ever said good things about him until our relationship went into meltdown. Even then, I kept things bottled up until they were unbearable and I had to find support and comfort. Talking about him outside the marriage was a sign that we had broken down.

I think a lot of damage is done by people's inability to stop gossipping.

squoosh · 02/08/2012 12:48

Really doingkatereddy even if it was for exampleto do with a friend's health, and it was a delicate and sensitive matter?

Is it unreasonable of the friend to expect you not to disuss this?

PedallingSquares · 02/08/2012 12:49

I think it depends too. Some things I would tell DH and some things I wouldn't. But in my defence DH probably wouldn't be listening anyway Grin

firawla · 02/08/2012 12:50

ffs its not deception just to keep things your friends tell you private!!
can't ever imagine my dh being like "omg you knew your friend so&so was trying to get pregnant, or had such and such personal problem, and you never told me - how could you!" - if you consider it as deception are your saying your dh would have a problem with it if he realised you knew something and never told him?

is that not a bit controlling if partners are like that??? why would they care?

RubyFakeNails · 02/08/2012 12:50

This thread is worrying me, there are certain things I've told friends I wouldn't want them to have told their DHs/DPs. Feel I now need to check.

I also wonder, what happens when relationships end or marriages breakdown, whats the divorce rate now? Things must be shared then breakups and divorces happen.

If you support your friend through a divorce or break-up and there is animosity from the ex towards you and they know your secrets, how would you feel about that?

squoosh · 02/08/2012 12:50

I have always been under the impression that a marriage can happily exist alongside friendships without any need for the two to overlap.

nkf · 02/08/2012 12:52

I feel I need to check too. Very unsettling thread to be honest.

DizzyKipper · 02/08/2012 12:52

I tell DH most things but not if I'd explicitly been told not to tell anyone, if I thought it would upset the other person or it was very sensitive/personal in nature. In reverse I would be quite upset if I told a close friend something in confidence and then later found out she'd told her partner, their being in a relationship doesn't also mean I am equally as close and comfortable with their partner knowing.

I'm another who would assume it was a given not to go spreading it further, and so also wouldn't have spelled it out not to tell their partner. I'm also glad this thread has highlighted how common it apparently it is, I'll have to ensure I remain even more private and closed off in the future.

DawEtoHaul · 02/08/2012 12:54

Yup, still disagree with those who say talking to their husbands helps them be a better friend. How?! My husband doesn't know my friends as I do and anyway, I'm able to think things through and give advice on my own, if it's a confidential matter and it matters who knows.

Bonkey, if someone told me something I really seriously needed to discuss - don't know what, a crime? Something so serious they needed help from outside agencies? If it was an ongoing issue that was wearing me down, then I'd say that does become more of a concern of my husband's as it would affect him and our family too, but that's different from the situation OP describes. And even in that situation, I think it's very very important to be aware of that person's privacy and rather than indulge in chat, discuss with the friend themselves what their options were and try to get them the help they needed.. Goodness knows what could happen of the friend found out in that situation and stopped confiding, it could have serious repurcussions - I just don't think it's worth risking it. If it was a friend my husband knew and I needed help regarding their situation, I'd probably go online or seek help from a helpline relevant to the issue.

I'm not trying to be holier than thou, I just want to emphasise I think it's a really serious issue, sharing confidences, whereas it seems that very commonly people are seeing a non-issue. I just disagree.

Bluegrass · 02/08/2012 12:54

I feel free to talk to DP about pretty much anything unless I've specifically been asked not to (although to be honest even then...). I just use my discretion and it depends on whether I want DP's input/opinion. I tend to assume anything I tell people will be shared with their OH as that relationship trumps everything else.

PedallingSquares · 02/08/2012 12:56

I had this the other way around once. Someone told me something in confidence so I kept it quiet. Months later it all came out (not from me) and the person who had confided couldn't believe that I had never told my DH and wanted to know why Confused

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:56

My DH isn't a twat and I can trust him not to go around spreading things we've discussed with people outside our relationship.

To answer the question a poster asked above about why do we talk about our friends - it's about being interested in each other and our friends. We'll often say to each other "how's X?" when we've seen friends or spoken to them. Now, unless I say "fine" and not say anything else, then stuff about my friends lives is bound to be discussed.

Usually it's boring stuff about new kitchens/pet being taken the vet/how work is going/stuff about DC, but very occasionally a friend will tell me something a bit more personal, but very exciting (like trying for a baby) and as I can trust my DH not to talk about it with anyone else then I'd tell him.

OP posts:
QuenelleOJersey2012 · 02/08/2012 12:57

YABU

I wouldn't share anything a friend tells me in confidence with DH.

FelicitywasSarca · 02/08/2012 12:59

''A question to those of you who pass on your friend's confidences to your husbands/partners, and I'm not being sarcastic here, I genuinely do not understand it -

why do you tell them?

because he is my husband and I want to share things with him, it's not that i religiously tell him everything I know, but we talk, and conversations we've had recently form part of that conversation. Also because it feels natural and normal

What is this information to them?
usually not a lot, I'm sure he forgets much of it! Sometimes it might help him understand why I'm distracted, or help him help me help the other person (confusion much?)
Do you think they will be interested?
sometimes yes, sometimes no! Usually it helps him understand the relationships I have with my friends, and vise versa

Are you sure they will not repeat it?
yes, categorically, and if I wasn't I wouldn't do it/probably wouldn't have married him

Do you ask them to not repeat it?
yes, usually implicitly, he understands this fully, as do I when he talks to me

How do you think your friend feels about your husband knowing something about her that she considers private?
she either totally understands because she does it to, or it has never crossed her mind because she wouldn't know

Just - why?''

because I love him, and talking to him, is a lot like talking to a more rational version of myself

BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks · 02/08/2012 13:01

Ok, how about if your friend told you something that directly affected your dh and said, "but don't tell him because i shouldn't have told you" .?

RubyFakeNails · 02/08/2012 13:05

I think its a scale.

Say I meet up with a friend, lets call her Jo. Jo tells me about her various troubles.

I go home and DH says "Hows Jo?" Answers could range,

  1. She's fine
  2. She's having a hard time
  3. She's having issues at work and home
  4. She's struggling with her boss and her DH
  5. She thinks she is about to be sacked and possibly split from her DH
  6. Discussion of her issues at work and Discussion of her marriage problems without being too specific
  7. In depth discussion about her self-esteem issues that make her struggle at work and In depth discussion of how her husbands erectile dysfunction has made him unable to satisfy her leaving them both frustrate and heading for divorce.

I would probably stop at number 3 or 4 and only if DH asked. I have no problem telling him that she doesn't want me to tell. He has no burning desire to know Jo's problems either.

FermezLaBouche · 02/08/2012 13:06

I feel betrayed when close friend who I've specifically asked to keep something quiet have then discussed with their husbands/partners.

I'm going to be specific here. When I was pregnant a couple of years ago and planning on having a termination I told my very closest friend as I knew she had been through the same thing. For reasons known only to her, she decided that "do not mention this to a soul" did not include her partner.
Partner, it ermerged, put two and two together and realised the person I had been seeing was an acquaintance of his and went and passed on the good news.

I will never, ever trust anyone with anything so personal. Friend is no longer a friend.

hattymattie · 02/08/2012 13:06

I wouldn't if it's important ie. girl stuff/health stuff. DH has a way of forgetting what's confidential and what's common knowledge so it's better he doesn't know. Also he's best mates with my best friend's husband so things can potentially go full circle.

squoosh · 02/08/2012 13:08

That's pretty outrageous Fermez.

Some people's love of gossip outweighs everything else.

NarkedRaspberry · 02/08/2012 13:11

DH tells me about all his family - I know everything that's ever been said to him by all of them! He needs to vent. Beyond that we tell each other the more general stuff eg I talked to x today, her DD2 is still having trouble settling in at school but keep the private stuff private. If we're going to be seeing the person we would give each other a heads up on any issues on a 'you don't know this but...' basis. So that if eg Y is having fertility issues I'll make sure he knows enough not to make any comments about how lucky they are to get unbroken sleep etc.

FermezLaBouche · 02/08/2012 13:12

It is squoosh, and I know her defense would be "I didn't know he knew about X" or similar but for me it just shows that if you're told something in confidence, keep it to yourself!

FelicitywasSarca · 02/08/2012 13:12

That is outrageous Fermez and falls into the catogory of don't tell your DH if he happens to be a twat!

In answer to Bonkey, I just don't know it's never come up. I can't imagine a friend of mine telling me something that affected my DH without considering the impact of telling me. I think I would probably discuss it with DH and we'd find a way to deal with it without it becoming obvious that he'd heard it from me. Forwarned is forearmed and all that.

ohmysilverballs · 02/08/2012 13:12

In fairness I would expect most things I tell me friends to go back to their OHs.... The only reason I don't tell mine something especially gossip is if I'm too busy and forget....

KellyElly · 02/08/2012 13:12

If I said 'don't tell anybody' I wouldn't be including husbands/partners in that, I would assume that many (not all obvs) couples tell each other pretty much everything. If someone said 'don't tell anyone, not even your OH' then that's different.

FermezLaBouche · 02/08/2012 13:14

Narked the reasons you give there are different and I can see why you'd share things so as to avoid crashing social faux pas....! am a world champ at those