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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DP things friends tell me?

378 replies

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:08

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 14:20

When I started this thread, it was intended to be very lighthearted and I honestly didn't think opinions could be so divided.

However, just to make it clear - my friend absolutely did not say "my DH and I are TTC, I'm telling you in confidence and you must not tell anyone". If she had, then I would have respected her wishes and not told my DH.

OP posts:
seeker · 02/08/2012 14:25

When in doubt, tell no one.

KellyElly · 02/08/2012 14:27

seeker horrified is a bit strong surely Grin. Just people having a different opinion.

Kayano · 02/08/2012 14:28

I would have told DH if a friend was ttc because we are going to ttc soon too. I don't see it as a big thing. I don't even see why ttc is a big secret don't tell anyone thing anyway

RubyFakeNails · 02/08/2012 14:28

Well I think you've had your original question answered, some people think yanbu, others think you are being massively unreasonable.

I'm with seeker in being quite horrified. JUst to clarify if some of you were my friends and I found out that you had shared with your dh when it was something private, I wouldn't just be angry, I would completely eradicate you from my life and share a good few of your secrets with the world its not a small issue in my eyes.

Am going to be checking with my friends and will take this on board for when I meet new people.

DH and I have got a good few hours travelling later and I think this is going to be a topic for the entire time.

FelicitywasSarca · 02/08/2012 14:28

Ok, I'm putting this thread down as one of the rare occasions I don't get mumsnet at all and will probably get flamed for breathing so I'm going to stop posting now.

Although before I go, one more thing for the people who haven't yet consigned me to hell. I am a good, loyal and honest friend. I don't hide the fact I tell my DH things because I've never felt I had to (and wouldn't lie anyway). He is my husband, not my DP/friend/acquaintance/colleague. We share things because we are married and that is the closest relationship on earth (except perhaps mother-child. And if I wanted genuine advice I'd probably break a confidence to discuss things with my mother too, although as the relationship is different now I am an adult, I wouldnt share most things with my mum).

My husband doesn't 'do' anything with the information except (if necessary) Support and advise me. He wouldn't think badly of a friend of mine, or judge or treat them differently on the basis of these things. They would never feel any effect of my confiding him in. They would probably 'know' as everyone I know in real life would also share things with their DHs like this, but they wouldn't categorically know. Iyswim.

One of the reasons I love being married is this closeness, this togetherness, this '2 sides of the same coin' sharing. And since, I think this is entirely normal I'm not going to post anymore in this thread as some people seem wont on making me out to be a monster for this normal behaviour.

Spuddybean · 02/08/2012 14:31

What about work stuff then?

My DP works with people who are also friends. Sometimes they do stuff to do with work which affects DP but is also a bit of a secret ie DP went to teach at a conference in Europe. Friend saw this as an opportunity to bring his OW. DP was left in the lurch to do a lot more work and felt uncomfortable as OW was brought along to the dinners/functions. Is that a secret he shouldn't have told me? TBH i wish i didn't know as now i think mate is a twat.

And just to clarify in my earlier post, i meant i would only tell good stuff, unless asked not to. But then i don't really think that is a secret is it - that is just considered news.

I also don't buy the 'we are one' attitude.

squoosh · 02/08/2012 14:32

But Kayano it doesn't matter a jot that you don't think it's a big deal, your friend may and it's their business.

BBwolefs · 02/08/2012 14:35

YANBU I tell DP everything, hes is great and listens even when he finds it boring, ive found this actually helps me falling out with people too, as he gives me perspective or hears my niggles. In fact im so used to telling him stuff its been hard for me not to ask his opinion on my wedding dress! Grin

BBwolefs · 02/08/2012 14:36

not to fall out with people i mean Blush

Kayano · 02/08/2012 14:37

But they would never know I had told DP Wink

seeker · 02/08/2012 14:38

But the whole point is that it is not up to you to decide who you share somebody else's secret with. Your dp might well be the best secret keeper in the world- but your friend DID NOT CHOOSE TO TELL HIM!!!!!!!!! So you have no right to take that choice away from her by telling him yourself.

This isn't a matter of opinion- it is a matter of honesty, trust and decent behaviour.

squoosh · 02/08/2012 14:39

To be honest, from what you've said I think your friends would have a pretty good idea that you'd told.

Kayano · 02/08/2012 14:40

Well don't tell me anything then because if I want to discuss something with my DH I will and I he says 'what's brought this up?' I will tell him. He is my husband, I'm not going to lie to him or not discuss something that may upset me.

Usually his perspective is more
Common sense than mine

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 14:40

I know you said it in a hyperthetical sense, Ruby, but sharing secrets with the WORLD in retaliation for a friend telling their trusted DH something is just not the same.

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RubyFakeNails · 02/08/2012 14:43

Spuddy I think thats slightly different. I guess as its something that your DPs friend hasn't told only him its more something he has witnessed. He has taken this woman out for all at the conference to see as opposed to confiding on your DP that this woman exists.

A couple DH and I were friends with, although originally it had just been the 2 husbands had a similar situation. The husband was having an affair, which he alluded to my DH about but he didn't tell me, because he was told not to tell anyone. However one evening the OW gave my DH a lift home from a night out with the other husband (knowing I was at home waiting), then he told me.

squoosh · 02/08/2012 14:44

I'm not going to lie to him or not discuss something that may upset me

And there we have the nub of it. It's a 'me, me, me' issue.

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 14:45

FelicityWasSarca - thanks for putting basically everything that's in my head much more eloquently than I can manage.

OP posts:
RubyFakeNails · 02/08/2012 14:47

I was only joking, I think thats quite obvious, hence the strike through.

But I don't care if its your 'trusted DH' if I wanted him to know I would have told him. Telling is telling. The betrayal of trust still happened and you would become an enemy to me rather than a friend in an instant. I think its immoral behaviour.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 14:49

Quite Squoosh.

And Felicity I don't think you're a monster but I think you're wrong. And its fine to have different opinions and argue them even when you're wrong Wink

DizzyKipper · 02/08/2012 14:54

I think you missed the point Felicity that it isn't about your relationship with your husband, when sharing confidences it should be about the other person's relationship with him and whether they would actually mind whether this information was divulged or not. Fair enough to the people who assume and don't mind about secrets being divulged with partners, but I think it's only right to find out whether they do or not first rather than assuming just because it's what you do.

Kayano · 02/08/2012 14:54

Ok I'll be upset about something and have no one to confide in myself? I wouldn't tell everything for the sake of telling but if I need to talk to someone, sorry but for me DH is that someone.

And it's not like you would know so be outraged all you will

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 14:55

I'm sorry Ruby - I realise it was a joke.

Yep, this is certainly one of those things that has divided opinion.

OP posts:
squoosh · 02/08/2012 14:57

And yet again it's all about you and how your friend's news impacts on you.

If your friend has admitted to killing the milkman and keeping his body in the freezer, tell your husband. You may want to tell the police as well.

If your friend has told you she's got an STD, there's is absolutely no need for you to tell your husband.

seeker · 02/08/2012 14:59

Kayano- yep. That's what keeping a secret means. Sometimes it's a very difficult thing to do. But being a grown up is tough sometimes.

you trust your dp implicitly. Your friend may not. And if she had wanted him to know, presumably she would have told him. You are betraying her and taking her choices away by telling him her secret.