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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DP things friends tell me?

378 replies

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:08

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

OP posts:
motherinferior · 04/08/2012 19:43

RL example: a friend of mine was abused as a child. She introduced me to a friend of hers, and we went out together for three years. I never told my then boyfriend that our mutual friend (whom he had known much longer than I had) had been abused, because it was not my secret to tell. Yes, it 'weighed heavily on me': no, it was not my secret, or burden to share.

motherinferior · 04/08/2012 19:45

Nobody can assume their mates don't secretly think their partner is a twerp. Really they can't. Believe me. I have been terribly polite about many twerps. And friends have confessed to me that they thought my exes were twerps, after exemplary politeness to them for the duration of our partnership Grin.

motherinferior · 04/08/2012 19:46

In fact they're probably gossiping to their DPs that they think my partner is a twerp, given this thread....

HesterBurnitall · 04/08/2012 19:49

That can a bit of a blessing, vintage. I've been sworn to secrecy on pain of death only to find I'm one of twenty close friends specially chosen and that everyone else is having cosy chats with secret bestower's implicit blessing. I once brought something up in conversation because I'd forgotten it was a secret. Had to watch a friend dig herself into a massive hole because to warn her would have been to betray another friend's secret.

I don't like having secrets from DH because my mouth has often gotten me in to trouble and my home is the only place I can speak without thinking.

There are lots of ways of being a good friend, one of mine is to make it clear I'm not your go to person when you have a secret you want to share. There's a fair few options between being a blabbermouth and being the keeper of secrets.

ilovesooty · 04/08/2012 19:50

Clearly if in the event I was on a jury, I would either decide to keep information to myself, or be clear in the selection process that I was not prepared to do so

I doubt if doing the latter is an option.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 04/08/2012 19:51

That's so true motherinferior. I've even been a bridesmaid at a wedding of a dear friend whose husband makes my skin crawl. I really dislike him.

She thinks him and I are wonderful friends.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 04/08/2012 19:55

Hester I've been in that position too, it was a really major burden and keeping it was a moral grey area, anyway after years of keeping it but wondering if it was the right thing to do, situations changed and believing I was the only one left alive with the information I had to tell for the sake of someone else.. turns out half the secret teller's family and friends new all along - it was commonish knowledge Angry - I'ld been told I was the only one that knew and noone else must know!

quoteunquote · 04/08/2012 20:05

That's horrible Vintagewhine, did she not tell you she has that sort of relationship first?

Lurking, I also find the "we are one thing" rather strange, yet to feel that,

Nobody can assume their mates don't secretly think their partner is a twerp. Really they can't. Believe me. I have been terribly polite about many twerps

You can if your friends with me, you see I wouldn't have any hesitation telling your partner he is a twerp(if I thought he was) and why I think so, nor would I not tell you exactly what I think, I'm very direct, I couldn't pretend to like someone or their behaviour if I had issues with it,

Do you really not tell your friends what you truly think? Now it's my turn to be shocked, why? If they are your friend then don't you want to be honest with them?

Kayano · 04/08/2012 20:10

I told a friend I thought her do was a drug dealing waste of space when discussing him...

I got bollocked and dumped by said 'friend'

Who later dumped the guy because he dealt drugs, was nasty to her and didn't work.

She never did speak to me again though. Now I pretty much smile and nod and then rant about it to DH

quoteunquote · 04/08/2012 20:11

That's so true motherinferior. I've even been a bridesmaid at a wedding of a dear friend whose husband makes my skin crawl. I really dislike him

She thinks him and I are wonderful friends

Seriously, you pretend to like someone, why?

HesterBurnitall · 04/08/2012 20:12

That's horrible, Lurking. I felt very used and manipulated and angry and relieved all at once when I went through something similar.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 04/08/2012 20:15

I'm all for being friendly and polite to friends' OHs, theres not much to be gained from being otherwise! but if someone is so phoney they can pretend to be "wonderful friends" with someone they despise I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them - its not really something to be proud of y'know!

motherinferior · 04/08/2012 20:39

Oh god, now being polite to twerps is duplicitous?

Look, lots of lovely women take up with twerps. I myself have been guilty of this on several- occasions and so have beautiful, clever friends of mine. I have been to at least one wedding where I (and, it happens, Mr Inferior) felt a consuming urge to shout DON'T DO IT! HE IS A COMPLETE DISASTER!

I am quite sure I am not alone in this, dammit. And it is entirely possible that friends of mine think DP is a twerp. (I think this from time to time myself, despite all his sterling qualities.)

quoteunquote · 04/08/2012 20:46

I'm in no doubt my husband is a twerp at times, I'm sure he would agree as well as point out my failings,

I wouldn't have to ability to pretend to like someone when I don't, I'm not that skilled at subterfuge,and wouldn't see the point anyway.

I wouldn't expect someone to pretend to like my husband if they didn't, nor would I hold it against them if they expressed a dislike of him.

MrsCampbellBlack · 04/08/2012 20:50

Of course some of us pretend to like our friends partners when we don't really - because we value our friends and hope it won't last.

And I'm still humming when 2 become 1 - so thanks squoosh.

Also discussed this with DH earlier and he was equally as bemused that people can't/won't keep confidences.

motherinferior · 04/08/2012 20:51

Well, most people do manage to be polite and feign niceness towards their loved ones' partners. (Then they go home and blow off steam about said partners' twerpitude.)

The world is sadly full of gorgeous women who have married twerps in the full belief that these twerps are in fact utterly (a) trustworthy (b) wise and worth listening to. Which is why it is always better to keep one's friends' confidences, just in case one is oneself among these deluded women.

Raspberrysorbet · 04/08/2012 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 04/08/2012 21:35

there's a world between being polite and nice to someone you don't like and pretending to be "wonderful friends" with them though

seeker · 04/08/2012 23:56

What about the older child thing? If your teen chooses to confide in you, do you tell their dad, or do you keep their confidence?

As for telling people their husbands are twerps - I hav friend I love and I wouldn't risk that love by telling them what I think of their dp's.......

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 04/08/2012 23:58

Ahh, so now it's phony. FFS.

Yes, she does think we have a great relationship. Because o care about her, why would I hurt her feelings but carrying on about her choice of husband?

Funny how it's 'phony' to yes, be polite to a friend's husband, yet it's not 'phony' to tell a friend's most intimate issues and not have a care in the world because 'she'll never find out.'

nailak · 05/08/2012 01:06

firawala i have said this before, I think it is important men know about womens busines, how can they protect their sisters if they dont know whats going on?

But normally it would be to ask for advice as we dont gossip anyway, so i may say so and so has this issue with her son what should i tell her? and then I would go back and say to so and so my husband said this,

HesterBurnitall · 05/08/2012 05:28

I don't know seeker, it would depend on the circumstances. My mother kept one secret from my father for me, I appreciated it but knew it was a big ask and would never have abused that. I would never promise to keep a secret and then betray the confidence but would expect it to be discussed not assumed.

seeker · 05/08/2012 11:42

" I think it is important men know about womens busines, how can they protect their sisters if they dont know whats going on?"

I honestly can't believe I just read that. Please tell me you're being ironic?

StillSquiffy · 05/08/2012 11:59

Tis true, seeker. These ladies are divulging the secrets of their friends not for the sake of simply spreading salacious gossiping in order to titilate/make themselves more interesting to their menfolk, Oh no. They are doing it for the sake of womenkind

motherinferior · 05/08/2012 12:07

If just to take an example I were experiencing problems in the bedroom and wished to know if these were entirely normal, and I asked my mates what they thought, I really would not expect their DPs to become intimately acquainted with my tales of erectile dysfunction or suchlike.