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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DP things friends tell me?

378 replies

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:08

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

OP posts:
firawla · 02/08/2012 12:36

Yabu this is out of order to routinely tell your dh everything! by all means tell him everything from your own business, but not other people's. I don't tell hmy dh my friends' private business, whether they specify to keep it quiet or not. If someone told their dh my personal business I would be pissed off and probably not trust them again.
My husbands is not my friends friend and their husbands are not my friend so would be like some random men just knowing our business and that is not fine with me. Not the done thing among me or my friends at all.

nkf · 02/08/2012 12:37

Exactly, Squoosh. Never heard such bollocks. You are actually two people and people have two separate relationships with you

RubyFakeNails · 02/08/2012 12:37

Completely agree with squoosh & firawla

BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks · 02/08/2012 12:37

Charlie Im with you there. Dh isn't 'all-and-sundry' .

If it was very personal and sensitive then of course i would keep it to my self unless there was a very good reason to tell dh.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 12:37

YABU - If I tell a friend something I tell her not her DH. And I don't tell my DH stuff either and to be honest he's not interested.

And the we are one stuff - lordy!

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/08/2012 12:37

A question to those of you who pass on your friend's confidences to your husbands/partners, and I'm not being sarcastic here, I genuinely do not understand it -

why do you tell them?

What is this information to them? Do you think they will be interested? Are you sure they will not repeat it? Do you ask them to not repeat it? How do you think your friend feels about your husband knowing something about her that she considers private?

Just - why?

LST · 02/08/2012 12:38

If the person said don't tell your OH I wouldn't but if not we share everything. And its not classed as gossiping Confused

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/08/2012 12:38

YANBU. Me and dh do this and I assume that anything I tell friends will go back to their DHs and expect them to assume the same about me.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 12:39

Yes what happens if your friend's husbands are twats - would you really want them knowing personal stuff about you?

QuacksForDoughnuts · 02/08/2012 12:39

You may or may not be BU here. Sorry, I know that's not hugely helpful. But I had a think through various scenarios - there are times when I would tell OH something, for example if I wanted him to be more sensitive than usual dealing with the person in question or if I wanted to vent and knew it wouldn't impact on my friend if he knew. I wouldn't tell him if it was private female stuff or anything that might bias him against the person. There are many cases where I wouldn't care if a friend's partner knew something personal about me, other times when I really wouldn't want that to happen. For example, if the friend was in a relationship with my senior colleague I wouldn't want him to know anything that might affect me professionally. But I'd be tempted to explicitly say 'don't tell X' then anyway, as I don't always know friends' policies on passing things on...

squoosh · 02/08/2012 12:40

If it was very personal and sensitive then of course i would keep it to my self unless there was a very good reason to tell dh.

And what would a 'very good reason' be? Confused

nkf · 02/08/2012 12:40

Someone once said to me that everyone thinks it's okay to tell their best friend. That's how secrets get out. The difference is when we tell a friend a friend's business, we know we are gossipping. You are hiding gossip under "we two are one". Didn't there used to marriage licences that people attached to cars that said that? It's not on in my book.

squoosh · 02/08/2012 12:41

Two people discussing another's business could quite easily fall under the gossip category.

ohmysilverballs · 02/08/2012 12:41

I would tell DH things unless I thought it was the kind of sensitive issue the person concerned would rather I didn't share with him, in that case I wouldn't....

BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks · 02/08/2012 12:41

Yes what happens if your friend's husbands are twats - would you really want them knowing personal stuff about you?

No, in which case i would think twice about telling my friend with the dh that is a twat.

Maybe this is why I am reasonably private. I am quite happy to talk about a lot of things but some things are kept very very close to my chest.

quoteunquote · 02/08/2012 12:42

I'm(as is DH) very clear with anyone I come into contact with, Do Not tell me anything if you don't want me to share with my husband,

I'm not watching what I say in my relationship for anyone, I wouldn't introduce duplicity into my relationship, why an earth would I allow anyone else to.

It's never caused any problems as we operate as a unit anyway, so anyone we have interaction with wouldn't expect us to deceive each other.

nkf · 02/08/2012 12:43

The thing is you are not checking what your friends think or feel. It might be she assumes that she is telling you, her oldest friend. But in reality she is also telling your husband who she may have very different feelings about.

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:43

Just to play a bit of devil's advocate here...

Do you sometimes discuss things your DH/DP has said and done with friends, without your DH/DP knowing?

OP posts:
BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks · 02/08/2012 12:43

Squoosh Child safety, life threatening, things that come along with that.

I would very much value his opinion on things before I had to take it any further.
It would have to be serious shit!

squoosh · 02/08/2012 12:43

Slightly melodramatic quoteunquote?

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 12:43

Bonkey - same here.

Quoteunquote - golly. I'm not duplictious in my marriage but really do not feel to discuss other people's personal stuff with my DH. Its none of his business and he's not interested anyway.

nkf · 02/08/2012 12:44

It's not deception not to tell a friend's private business.

Doingakatereddy · 02/08/2012 12:44

I'd object to anyone telling me not to tell my DH something. My marriage is to him, my friends are second to that.

My DH & I worked at same company at very different levels & I always made it clear to MD that if he told me something I would tell DH, but we could both be trusted

DuelingFanjo · 02/08/2012 12:46

depends on what it is, there are lots of things I don't tell my husband that my friends tell me. I think as soon as you have told another person then you lose control and it could go anywhere.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 12:46

God Doing - so your friend tells you she's got piles and you automatically tell your DH?

How would not telling your DH such stuff endanger your marriage.

And I guess thats also why so many companies don't like employing married couples.