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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my DP things friends tell me?

378 replies

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:08

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 09:23

Of course you discuss things about friends-I thought we were talking about things told in confidence. confused

exoticfruits · 03/08/2012 09:23

sorry Confused

Morloth · 03/08/2012 09:23

Because if he asked then I would tell him, because he is special as far as I am concerned. That's it really, he has privilege in my life. I don't think I can put it more simply than that.

We have an 'agreement' as far as work goes, that neither of us ask and therefore neither of us tells. If he asked about work I would question what the fuck was going on. If he asked about a mate I would assume concern and tell him.

It is fine that you disagree, I don't think you and I have ever agreed on MN. But it doesn't change anything. Nor does it make you (or me) right.

In my relationship this is the way it is.

Whatmeworry · 03/08/2012 09:23

At the risk of being flamed again, I really find it hard to believe that some posters on here NEVER discuss ANYTHING about their friends with their DH/DP

What - you mean they may be being disingenuous - surely not :o

DuelingFanjo · 03/08/2012 09:50

I discuss loads with my DH but I have had a couple of frineds confide in me and ask me not to tell anyone. I think it would be wrong to think 'well my husband isn't anyone and tell him anyway.

AKMD · 03/08/2012 10:01

I tell my DH run-of-the-mill things but if something is discussed in confidence then I don't discuss it with anyone, including him. Either he is the same or he doesn't get told many confidences! I'd be mortified if my close friends discussed the very personal things I've told them with their DPs.

seeker · 03/08/2012 10:07

"At the risk of being flamed again, I really find it hard to believe that some posters on here NEVER discuss ANYTHING about their friends with their DH/DP"

Flamed?

And no, nobody has actually said- they don't discuss things with their dps.. Only that they don't break confidences. To anyone. And they don't consider themselves and their dps to be "one person". And they don't believe that they honesty of their relationship would be tainted forever by keeping a friend's secret from their dp.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2012 10:23

What seeker said.

lynniep · 03/08/2012 10:33

depends what it is really a) whether the person who is telling me would be upset/whether they are including partners in the 'ban' b) whether I think DH can cope.
I told my BF I was pg before any of my family as I was going to be her bridesmaid - I asked her to keep it completely secret for the time being. She told her whole family - I really thought she would tell her DH only so I was quite upset but at the end of the day it didn't really affect anyone as her family dont know mine.
I tell DH about marriage breakups, issues with children etc etc about my friends.
I don't tell him about their medical issues unless its in a general manner
I still havent told DH one of my female BF's was born male. I know him too well - he couldnt process that information, so its not fair to either of them to mention it. This may bite me in the bum in years to come. So I shall deny knowledge if that day does come...

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 03/08/2012 10:38

Exoticfruits - the example I've just given, does that count as being told something in confidence?

OP posts:
AKMD · 03/08/2012 10:43

In that example, I might have said somethign general like "One of my friends has been TTC for years and today she had a 12 week scan that showed a healthy baby. I'm thrilled for her."

Examples of things I've been told in confidence that I have never mentioned to anyone:

  • someone getting arrested.
  • someone being pregnant. Once they started telling people (on FB etc.) then I feigned surprise.
  • someone 'borrowing' their dad's car and crashing it.
  • an office affair.
ImperialBlether · 03/08/2012 10:44

Of course people talk to their husbands about things their friends have said, but surely to god they are individuals too with separate relationships with friends?

I have been really shocked when I've found that a couple of my friends have told their husband really, really private things that I told them in complete confidence. I didn't tell them in front of their husbands because I knew their husbands well enough to know I didn't want them to know.

It's certainly meant that I consider very carefully who to talk to about serious and personal things. Do you really want to be a person who a friend says, "Oh god don't tell her, she can't keep it to herself"?

Obviously the minor everyday things that happen at work and within friendships are discussed - that's always been accepted.

But if a friend trusts you enough to talk about something really difficult and personal then you have a duty not to tell anyone.

Think about it - if you and your husband were sitting in the same room, would she have told you? If not, there's your answer.

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 03/08/2012 10:46

But if I'd said "someone who has been TTC for years is finally pregnant", my DH would immediately know who it is anyway as he knew (as did most people) that this particular person had had problems conceiving. There would have been no point in trying to conceal her identity.

OP posts:
BlackOutTheSun · 03/08/2012 10:46

If one of my friends told me something that they wanted to be kept secret then no way would I tell dp, it would have nothing to do with him.

AKMD · 03/08/2012 10:47

Think about it - if you and your husband were sitting in the same room, would she have told you? If not, there's your answer.

This.

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 03/08/2012 10:51

ImperialBlether - she probably wouldn't, but that's because she has only met my DH a couple of times. BUT, it has absolutely no bearing on the outcome - as I said there was zero chance of the news spreading to other people who she may not have been ready to tell.

I honestly can't see how me telling my DH a friends exceptionally good news, and knowing that it would go no further, makes me a bad friend.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/08/2012 11:04

No, I don't think that's the wrong thing to do, OP.

I was thinking of a couple dissecting my husband's affairs when there's no way I would have told him myself.

AlbertoFrog · 03/08/2012 11:06

Well this thread has certainly opened my eyes.

I've been with DH for over a decade and though we're a very close couple we still remain separate individuals. If either one of us were told a secret (as we both have been over the years) we wouldn't dream of telling each other. It's not our secret to share.

I'm going to be very particular from now on when speaking in confidence to someone Confused

twofingerstoGideon · 03/08/2012 11:31

This thread's opened my eyes, too. I really hope this attitude of "we are one unit therefore I feel free to share my friends' confidences" isn't as prevalent as it seems to be on this thread.

This is the bottom line really...

Think about it - if you and your husband were sitting in the same room, would she have told you? If not, there's your answer.

quoteunquote · 03/08/2012 11:35

Interesting that people think that is you are entirely honest with each other that you then become one person,

we often have quite different takes on things, one of the reasons we like to discuss things,

as for not taking friendship seriously, how funny, of course I take friendships seriously, especially the one with my husband,

Nearly all my friendships are very long term in depth, I share everything openly with my/our friends, they do the same,

since this thread started, I have brought the subject up with those friends I have spoken to, a friend has just read through it, we discussed if the way that we operate would deter them talking openly with either of us,

all of the people I have asked so far have said that they are very comfortable with us.

I think it helps in a way(friend has just pointed out) as people know exactly where they are with us, because we are clear that we talk to each other, they know that where any discussion would happen, end of, so there is no worries about it been share else where.

I also think it means I can take on more of other people's stuff as I don't get overloaded as it is shared with the person who has to live with me.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2012 11:36

"Think about it - if you and your husband were sitting in the same room, would she have told you? If not, there's your answer."

Spot on.

quoteunquote · 03/08/2012 11:38

TwofingerstoGidionvery good point,

Think about it - if you and your husband were sitting in the same room, would she have told you? If not, there's your answer.

In our case the answer would always be yes,

seeker · 03/08/2012 11:49

Quoteunquote-do you and your dp not have any separate friends either?

This might be a wild stab in the dark- but are you by any chance members of a kibbutz or something like that? Or some other closed/semi closed community?

squoosh · 03/08/2012 11:54

Do friends always have to be shared? Most people I know have mutual friends and then their own friends also.

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 03/08/2012 12:04

I told one of my friends that my DH and I were TTC (the same one who has just told me that they are TTC again). I probably wouldn't have brought up the subject had her DH been sitting in the same room as us, but that doesn't mean I didn't want him to know.

I know that she told him, because moments after I had told her that I was pregnant, her phone rang and it was her DH. She passed the phone to me and he was full of congratulations, saying "I'm really happy for you, I know how much you wanted a baby".

No way was I upset that my friend had told her DH that we'd been TTC. In fact, I think it would be even stranger if she hadn't. BUT, as I said above, I probably wouldn't have the conversation with her DH in the room. Hard to explain why.

OP posts:
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